A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been very stupid.6 weeks ago I started to talk to a man 11 years younger than myself, he was at work when I met him and I asked for his number for a job that I needed doing in my home. I text him and it started off innocently, I new he had a girlfriend of 4 and half years who was also his age. He opened up and told me that for the last few weeks their relationship has hit rock bottom, that he had no idea what was happening or whether they would survive this rough patch. He said they were arguing every single time they saw each other and that he was miserable. Sooner or later things turned from friendship into flirting, and flirting into meeting and kissing, then kissing into a sexual relationship. He stayed with his girlfriend and the whole time we both lied to her. I have been on his girlfriends facebook numerous of times, I just can't help myself. She's beautiful and appears to have a lot going for her, she's undergoing her training to become a doctor. I almost find myself jealous of her and wanting to hurt her more. Last week her boyfriend spent the whole weekend with me and lied to her of his where abouts. They were arguing and she appeared upset. I genuinely believed he was going to leave her for a relationship with myself. Then we got into a conversation about it and he called things off. Said that it had all been a mistake and it had hit him in the face how much he actually loved his girlfriend. He said he felt bad but was going to do everything in his power to make it work. 3 days later his girlfriend found out about us. We both lied to her and said we hadn't slept together. She seemed to sad and devastated. He treated me like I was nothing, he came with her and he left with her. I saw him crying, being so tender and loving towards her. A side I hadn't seen him show me. I couldn't handle it and rang him when I new he was with her and told her everything. I'm not proud of myself but I was really horrible to her. I couldn't help myself, I put her down and tried to make her feel worse about herself. The sad thing is that deep down I know he loves her. Whilst he was not forced to pursue me or have sex with me, I know I took advantage of a young boy who was confused and vulnerable at the time. He felt unloved and trapped and I let him confide in me. Where do I go now? I've heard that they are moving forward from this and turning what happened into a stronger relationship for them. Apparently he's ashamed of himself and putting every effort into getting his relationship back. I've rang him a few times and he's ignored or my calls. I don't know what to do. I thought this would break them but it hasn't, and now I'm the one by myself. I want to tell her that he can't possibly love her if he did that to her, I want her to see that he doesn't care about her. Shall I contact her?
View related questions:
affair, at work, facebook, flirt, jealous, kissing, text, trapped, unloved Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 I hope Karma will ride you hard.
Don't you understand what you are doing is wrong on SO many levels?
WHAt has the GF EVER done to you? (other then, according to you, be in YOUR way?)
Can you HEAR yourself? Have you the slightest notion of what kind of woman you are portraying? Or really, what kind of woman you are?
I have no advice on how to FURTHER hurt this girl. All I can say is, you will in 10 years be writing on websites asking why you are forever alone, why you have no friends, why people don't like you. And then... maybe, you will remember this episode and how to acted and realize that THIS kind of behavior will ALIENATE good people.
I really could say a lot more, but I don't feel you would take it to heart, and I don't really want to waste my time or yours. I presume you will do whatever you want regardless of what people tell you, because you something think that WANTING something means you DESERVE it.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 You've acknowledged that doing what you did was 'very stupid' and now you're asking us if you should keep doing it? Really?
OP, not everyone is going to like or want you. That does not mean you're worthless. It just means THAT person isn't for you.
The man has made it very clear to you that he has chosen his girlfriend and doesn't want to communicate with you again. If you have any self respect at all, and any for anyone else, please accept that decision, grieve in private and move on.
For Pete's sake.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (2 September 2014):
Do not contact her......your contact is only hurting her and that is not serving any good purpose.
Do not contact him.......he was interested in using you for sex.
You had your time with him. Big the mature lady that you are and move on.
Good Luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2014):
Let it go. You're the one who will be hurt the most in the end. The real point is why did you have this affair in the first place? I think you need to take a look at yourself and get some perspective again. You're better than this mess.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 September 2014):
If he felt anything for you, trust me it's gone and likely being replaced by hate for your attempts at breaking them up and hurting the woman he loves.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 September 2014):
Dear OP,
If you call her, you will look crazy and embarrass yourself, because it's obvious that your motives are selfish. You were horrible to that woman and now she surely won't believe a word that comes out of your mouth. And you'll look repulsive to the man you once loved. He will ask himself why he ever had feelings for you, now that he knows your vengeful side.
OP, you lost this "battle". A 100%. You need to accept that before you make a fool of yourself or hurt other people in the process. Stop obsessing about them, delete their facebook profiles from your friends list, delete his number, get back your life and move on. I don't think you took "advantage" of a confused boy, I bet he knew what he did and it's not your place to feel sorry for his unfaithfulness. But don't daydream that you can get back together, because he clearly showed you he doesn't love you, and that wouldn't change, even if he broke up with his current girlfriend. You can't force anyone to love you or treat you right. But you can chose to walk away when you've had enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): You need to let this one go. He's doesn't want you. He wants to be with her. You've done enough damage.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): Sometimes, when people have the evil intent to destroy; they get the opposite results. What is meant to be, is meant to be. Destiny can be delayed or altered, but not completely obliterated. There are many trials and challenges sent to test our love for someone special in our lives. That was your purpose. You were part of a grand plan.
They were going through issues and he had a moment of weakness. It never dawned on you that she may have cheated on him as well. Or that she realizes the pain she inflicted on him; and that she anticipated he'd do something stupid and hurtful. She knows women are after her man, and she wasn't going to let a moment of his weakness throw them completely off-course. Oh, he will pay dearly for his transgression. Count on it. He is not yet forgiven; just delivered from his path of self-destruction. You witnessed the love.
Youth makes us do stupid and irrational things when we're in pain, or confused about issues of the heart. Your attempt to pull them apart pushed them even closer together. Try as you may, you'll hurt yourself more and more. You can't steal love. It is evasive, and will only come to you when it's your turn. When the person intended for you comes your way. You're delaying all the good coming your way, by trying to hurt someone who has done you no wrong.
You did cause some serious damage, that may not be apparent to either of them right now. You have created trust-issues between them; and seduced him into betrayal. He had a choice and gave into temptation. So he has an obligation to make it up to her, for however long that takes.
The thing about love at their age, is that it is quite elastic. It can be stretched to the limit, and still the couple can snap back. Remember how resilient and shock-resistant we were in our early twenties? They know each others weaknesses and strengths. Even more important, what they are willing to bypass to save what they have. They may eventually breakup anyway; but it will not be fully attributed to your deeds. You're just another obstacle.
You are more experienced and mature. You aimed for the heart. She may have been taking what she has for granted. Until she realized how lost and out of control things had gotten. Your intrusion snapped them both out of a trance. They were in a fog and temporarily couldn't find each other.
They got overwhelmed by their disagreements and their lack of experience makes them very vulnerable. They are learning as they go.
In spite of all the stereotypes set on men. Women are just as territorial and competitive as we are. You don't just come along out of nowhere, and steal what another woman has. She will fight to save her cubs, her home, and her male beast. He may be wrong, but you are challenging her power. She will show you she can take him back, and make you feel the sting. "Hell hath no fury...!"
Put yourself in her place, and remember what you did when faced with something similar, if not the exact same situation. You fought to save what you had; because you felt it was worth it. You put all differences aside; because you had to take control of a situation spiraling out of control. Fate steps in and turns things around. You had to fight the forces against you, and reset your course. Like a ship in a storm.
Your karma is that your plan failed and backfired. Not back at you to destroy you; but to push you in another direction, and to save that couple. Your bad turned to good.
Your pain is your payment for the deed. Your poison will only work in reverse. You working against forces greater than yourself; and your karma is still in full effect. Telling her things now, will only prove how dangerous and cruel you can be. It will only work more against you than for you. Choose another path. Never bother either of them again.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (2 September 2014):
 The smartest thing you can do is to admit that you felt good to have a younger man give you his attention and time. You knew he was involved and yet you let things progress. Now you're hurt and angry because in the end he went back to his girlfriend. Let go of your pride and admit that its over. Hurting his girlfriend didnt work, you hurt an innocent person. At least you have the decency to feel badly about it. Let it go! You had a little fling and now he is making it clear that its over and you aren't the one he chose. Do NOT continue to contact them or the next thing you'll know he'll say you're a stalker and get the police involved. Go lick your wounds, swallow your pride and next time use better judgment on whom you get involved with. We've all made mistakes, and we have to learn from them. So learn from this.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 September 2014):
 "Hell hath no fury...". What say you show these two youngsters how a real adult handles this kind of situation and leave both of them totally alone, show a little class will ya?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Stop it while you can or you'll have the police after you and a restraining order. Accept that your affair has ended, that the man has realized his folly and moved on and that you accept that your behavior is absolutely abominable.
You are not a kid in a candy store, throwing a tantrum and stomping your feet just because you didn't get the lollipop that you wanted.
Act your age. Stop trying to make the poor girl pay for your mistakes. Her boyfriend is a much bigger person because at least he's realized that he was wrong and he's trying his best to make it up to her. By behaving the way that you are, you're actually bringing them closer together because in comparison to you, anyone would look like an angel, more so the poor girlfriend who's been utterly and completely wronged.
You cant "want" her to see that he doesn't care about her. That's really none of your business. Basically you want her to be unhappy because you know she's better than you and you cant get yourself to accept that. She's younger, prettier and highly qualified so you want to punish her for that.
You really need to get a hold on yourself soon or you'll be in big, big trouble in many ways. You'll have the police after you, you'll lose your sanity and your peace of mind and will be incapable of a healthy relationship in the future. Stop it right now. That's all I can say.
...............................
A
male
reader, crushed_by_love +, writes (2 September 2014):
I'm not going to comment on the rights and wrongs of the affair, that's for your conscience to handle. However, contacting this girl would be cruel and punishing the one person in this triangle who is blameless. Just consider this, will this guy want to be with someone who chooses to be unnecessarily vindictive?
Let them work things out between themselves, if they split over it, then you've got a clear run at him, but he won't be interested if you show your petty spiteful side
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 September 2014):
 This is about your ego. You had the affair with the younger guy to show yourself that you "still got it" and can compete with younger seemingly more beautiful women.
You wanted to take him from his girlfriend of 4 years, which is also about ego. You had built this up so that you would be the one he drops his relationship for. The fact that he told you a lot of stuff about their relationship hitting rock bottom fired up your ego more that some younger girl would fail and you wouldn't. You didn't realize that he would say whatever it took to get in your pants because a cheater's words are worthless.
You see her on Facebook, and your ego can't handle that she's beautiful, she has him, and has a lot going for her. You want to tear her down because your self-esteem isn't good.
Your ego went haywire because ultimately, he rejected you for her. You lost control because of all the things he said to her about you, as in "she meant nothing", "it was just for sex", and regretting ever being with you.
To strike back, you decided to take things too far and not just tear her down in your mind while you look at her on Facebook, you called her straight off and acted horrible toward her. The problem with that is, you are an accomplice to cheating and made yourself look awful when you did that. You put her down, who was the innocent one in this story. The one who is the most guilty and deserving of derision is the guy who cheated on her, who was neither vulnerable nor confused, but manipulated you and used your ego to be a disgusting cheater who doesn't deserve his girlfriend.
Now, your actions actually may have gotten him off the hook because you portrayed yourself as a cougar cradle-robber who preyed on him instead of what he truly is - a cheater. Now, they bonded over a common outside threat, which is you.
Leave her alone. Leave him alone. Salvage what dignity you have, and tell your ego to knock off the behavior. Stop trying to boost your self-esteem by doing self-destructive things, and don't ever be with a guy who is in a relationship. Trying to steal guys away from partners will leave you the one who is rejected.
...............................
A
male
reader, lifesgreat +, writes (2 September 2014):
no leave it .
All you are doing is dragging stuff up again and for what purpose?
He isn't going to come back to you and they have already got a thorn in their relationship of which he has done.
Just move on with your life
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Bottom line… do not contact her. it’s not your place or your relationship.
He has ignored your calls because you mean nothing to him.
You said “The sad thing is that deep down I know he loves her.” and then you said “I want to tell her that he can't possibly love her if he did that to her, I want her to see that he doesn't care about her.” SO WHICH IS IT? Either he loves her or he does not….
Clearly he’s young and not sure what he wants but what he knows he wants to try with her NOT with you.
What good will contacting her do? He is not even talking to you now. He’s not leaving her for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, SeaGreen +, writes (2 September 2014):
 It sounds like you really don't care about her at all or him.
You're grown women acting like a child that is not getting her own way.
Stop bullying the poor girl and leave the couple alone before they get the police involved.
I have a lot more to say but will not because it's too rude and it probably wouldn't change your mindset anyway.
...............................
|
