A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together for 3yrs. He is younger than me.He had the opportunity to go to Florida to study for a year, which I have supported and encouraged. I was, however, aware of all the temptations that would be there in Miami etc for a guy and the fact that we will perhaps see each other just once over the coming year. I also told him it would be a test for him to prove to me that he is becoming more mature and responsible to be with me. I have always had an issue with lapdancers. I know we live in a society where people think it is acceptable to have a naked girl grinding and touching a man in all sorts of places, despite him being in a relationship. But, I am old fashioned - to me it is not acceptable for my guy to pay for a naked girl to be rubbing her breasts and vagina all over him. He has always known how I felt about this (long before he went to Florida). And again, before he went to Florida he promised me he would not go to have lapdances nor put himself in any situation where he could kiss other girls or take things further.He has been in America now for 2 weeks. It was his first weekend out. The first pic he puts on fb is with a topless girl on the beach with the caption "Welcome to Miami" and then he ends up in a stripbar having lapdances and kisses one of the strippers.Now the pic of the girl is not such an issue and it didn't bother me too much but it just made me think actually it is an immature thing to do. The lapdances are another thing. I just can not believe this happens after only 2 weeks in the US and on his first ever time out! After everything he said to me and all that he promised me! And to me this IS a form of cheating as this is the first thing he does, despite KNOWING specifically how I feel about it AND he kisses another girl - all in only 2 weeks!Trust is completely gone. It is not like we have the option where we live in the same country and I can even begin to try to forgive him and he can make it up to me. Because in this situation, it means I will not see him for a whole year. And where he lives of course is full of stripper, girls in the club wearing short dresses and no panties etc. How can I trust this (or even more temptation) will not happen again in the next year, considering it happened so quickly and so easily and he forgot my feelings all in one night! Plus if things happen again, there is no guarantee he will even tell me. Every weekend he is going out I will now feel paranoid and insecure about what else will tempt him. And believe me, I am pretty open minded and not at all the jealous type. He can not promise me and says it is a one-off, how can I even believe him now or again considering he is thousands of miles away and I will not see him for a year! Plus he was meant to be proving to me he is ready to be with someone my age and he is just behaving even more immature it seems!Btw - I know some people will think getting lapdances and kissing strippers is not cheating, but you have to respect that for me it is. And if I expressly told him this and he does it anyway after promising, then that in itself is dishonest and cheating to an extent.Please let me know your thoughts! Not sure what to do here.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 He wants out. YouWish is correct... he is too chicken to do it so he's given you no choice but to break up with him.
If you don't break up with him he will know you are not a woman of your word. What he did was a deal breaker you both AGREED on. HE KNEW what he was doing and he made the CHOICE to do it.
to me this should be a no brainer... say BYE-BYE!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): You sound like an amazing woman. You give this young guy a chance and even support his wanting to pursue his dreams abroad. A lot of girls may even feel uncomfortable about that. But sounds like you have been nothing but supportive. And maybe you gave him a chance when everyone you know told you not to. And this is how he repays you.He sounds very immature and if he behaves like this practically as soon as he gets off the plane then who knows what he will be lile over the coming months. He is obviously selfish and his main goal was to come to Miami to party and have the wild college life. He does not want a gf. He can not because he is too selfish. I maen him leaving you for a whole year to go to America. Why would he do that? Why could he not find the same course locally? Why did he specifically need to get away from you and put himself in one of the biggest party capitals on the world? My guess is he was prob never really into this relationship as much as you. Maybe you were a stepping stone in his life till he could get somewhere "better" ie full freedom to be a party animal in Miami.I am 16yrs younger than my wife. We have been togrthdr for 32yrs. Everyone warned her off me but I knew this woman was special. And I needed to prove myself man enough for her. But it did not feel like a chore or something forced. It was a pleasure a woman like hrr even gave me a chance. And I knew she was worth it and no girl my age woulx ever compare to her. I could never imagine specifically leaving her to go away for a year in a place that is the middle of temptations of all kind (not that i would be tempted). I would never go to stripbars. That is not even a convo we ever had. I just know it would be disrespectful to her. And kissing a stripper is the lowest of the low. That is quite disgusting. If she kissed him so easily means she does it a lot and maybe zhe even does more. I would be worried about if she had diseases. The sad fact is that you are not a priority. You were a convenience to his cause. I am sorry sweetie but you need to let this one go. Do not discredit young men cos look at my wife and me. It is not about age. It is about love and respect.Try to hold your head high. My gut tells me you are a catch. If you can bag a young guy like that it must mean that you should not find it too difficukt to find a guy who can give you the love and respect you deserve.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2014):
 I agree wholeheartedly with YouWish.
This is his WAY of "asserting" his freedom and maybe even a little "dominance" in the relationship, by doing something he KNEW were off limits, that he HAD agreed to NOT doing. He thinks because YOU love him he can do whatever he wants.
2 weeks gone, and the whole out of sight out of mind played in, but I do agree he did this ON purpose.
Now my bet is, he is either too much of a wuss to end it with you, or he PRESUMES that you will (eventually) forgive his misconduct and cheating (yeah I see lapdances and kissing strippers as cheating, not "harmless fun, specially in the case where he KNEW this was something you didn't want to happen).
And like YouWish mentioned... Stripper clubs/bars are not back to back places, not in Miami not anywhere. Though you can usually find them near military installations. HE sought OUT a strip joint. He BRAGGED about what he did.
Come on now, girl he might as well have said F you and the relationship! right to your face.
If I were you, I'd dump him and cut the contact. There is no point to try and salvage this. And IF you stay with him, this will JUST be the tip of the iceberg, I bet you.
His loss...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): You want him to be something he isn't. Posting the picture on facebook next to a topless girl is immature and insulting to your relationship. Though if I am honest I don't think you have a relationship - at least not one you want and certainly not one that is based on respect. I think you need to accept he is not right for you and not what you need - and unless you do this soon you will waste a whole year of your life torturing yourself with his facebook pictures. You are also not respecting yourself by putting your life on hold while he clearly is not and has no intention of doing so. He has set himself free - please do that for yourself and find a man who meets your needs right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): I recall your previous post. Your anticipation of his behavior; and belief that American girls walk around tanned and naked; throwing themselves at defenseless foreign men. If it wasn't your post, there is someone else who wrote a post with exactly the same topic and content.
Apparently your boyfriend isn't as into you as you are into him. He's the wrong guy for you. Not as sweet and innocent as you may have believed him to be.
He couldn't wait to look for one of those places and do what he did. It was probably his main reason for coming to America. To be able to go wild and enjoy his college experience. He will eventually burnout; if he thinks partying is all life is about here. Florida is not all party-town. We have everything you have in Europe, and people here have morals and values like any other country. People are welcomed to have a good-time, but your perception that he's in some town where all the girls are walking around in short skirts with no panties is highly offensive, and totally unrealistic.
News flash!!! There are strip-clubs and short skirts in the UK. If your boyfriend wanted to party back home, he could have done so. I wouldn't doubt that he has done so behind your back anyway.
He had to get far away from you to go "buck wild." That's all about him, not about being in Florida. He should have broke-up before coming; but he probably wanted to avoid the drama. He is a certified jerk, and now you can dump him and move on. He didn't hesitate to post it on Facebook, knowing you would see it. Affirming all your fears, and exposing the kind of guy HE really is. America did not corrupt him, it is the kind of guy he was all the long.
You should have known a young guy in his early twenties isn't going to sit home like an angel on his weekends during the summer. With the exception of hermits and introverts who don't behave like "frat-boys" out of control.
He was aching to get here; so he would party "like it was 1999!!!" Like the song from Prince. The distance was all he wanted, so he could do as he pleased.
Seriously?!! Did you expect him to sit behind his desk in his room for the year he was away?
I'm sorry he hurt you. He wasn't the guy you thought he was. Don't blame that on Florida.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 September 2014):
I think you know there is no easy answer here. You can't force him to be trustworthy, and considering he broke his promises you to his first opportunity, he isn't trustworthy by YOUR definition.
Besides, kissing a stripper is kind of nasty if she's the type to start making out with clients.
Unfortunately you have two choices: live with constant fear that he will cheat over the next year and never really know if he did, or break up with him and give it a shot when he returns. Or don't.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 September 2014):
 I think getting lap dances and kissing strippers *IS* cheating, and to be honest, I think he wants to break up with you but is too chickenshit to do it properly. Why else would he post his escapades right out in public? He knew you would see them! Your boyfriend wants to be single and isn't the least bit interested in your tests.
You need to leave him, pure and simple. Your relationship is over now. You can't trust him, and he isn't interested in having you trust him. When you were talking to him, he said what you wanted to hear to get you off of his back and then did what he wanted to.
You need to drop him. No tests, no talking, no discussions, it is over, and the sooner you accept that it's over, the sooner you can move on to someone local who is more mature.
You can't change people. You can't test them to see if they are "mature and responsible" to be with you. That comes off as controlling. You have to accept someone as they are, or they're not the person for you. You can't get a guy and hope he grows into you, and for you, long distance relationships don't work. You need someone local.
As a side note, you must know that we in American don't have strip joints on every corner next to the McDonalds and gas stations. He wasn't bombarded with them. He specifically looked for one with the express intent of doing exactly what he did. He wasn't led astray by the mountain of temptations, so don't entertain that he "fell victim" and stumbled into a topless stripper trap. He made the effort. He was after this from the start, from the very first topless "Welcome to Miami" picture.
Your relationship is over. Don't waste your time with talks, trust lectures, responsibility and maturity tests, nothing. He cheated and in such a blatant way as to tell you that he's done with you. Don't waste your words or your time any longer.
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