A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Evening everyone. I'm in need of suggestions on how to break it off with a woman I've been seeing since this past August. I want to do in a way that won't insult her or cause her self esteem to go down. For the most part we've got on pretty well and haven't had tiffs. My change of heart's come about from some critical information that she's kept from me when she's had many opportunities to come clean. I got wind of the information two weeks past but made little of it until I saw the proof this afternoon. We put our past sexual encounters and relations on the table but she keep quite her sexuality and promiscuity. I'm appalled what I've learned. She's bisexual, has a track record for having affairs with married women and men, has broken up a few marriages, engaged in group sex and has a number of one night sex flings. I can't stomach that I've put so much trust and belief in a woman who's not who she's not. I've been bamboozled into relations with her based on raw deception. I made it clear that I didn't take on relations with women made up that way. I'm going to let her down tomorrow at brunch. How should I give her the news gently without her realizing that I need a woman who is more fit for wife material. I don't want to insult her but I do have a right to a woman who I can trust and not frown down upon because of being a loose easy floosy. Thanks.
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female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 I'm so sorry to hear how appallingly she treated you. You've done everything right and yet she still stooped to twist your actions back on you, accusing you for having found out the truth. There must be a stronger word than hypocrite for her extremities...
You have displayed remarkable self-control. You decided how you wanted to play it and stuck to that despite so much pain, upset and frustration. You remained calm and in control through her ongoing denials until actually presented with objective evidence against her, and through her abominable behaviour in trying to turn her atrocities back on you.
I have to commend you for this.
I'm also glad to know that, once out of the firing line; you were then freely able to release your emotions. This must have been extraordinarily painful and grieving the loss of who you thought she was will help you to heal and to move on.
I can only hope that she will be quick to recognise that she is fighting a battle that she cannot win. You were wise to call the police and if she persists in this obscene behaviour I would advise you to contact a solicitor to discuss whether you might take out an injunction on her requiring her to remain away from yourself and your property. You do not deserve any of this.
I would hope that she backs off before it comes to that however. Her frustration is only at herself and she is lashing out at you in a thinly veiled attempt to shift blame and to vent her frustration at herself. But her life is wrapped up in so much deceit that she should quickly come to realise just how vulnerable her position is in remaining so close to this recent exposure. She has a lot of secrets to protect, and she cannot keep them hidden when she’s shouting at the scene of the crime.
I hope for your sake that she comes to realise this and backs off sooner rather than later. Stay safe and enlist the help of others if you feel at risk from her. I have nothing but respect for how maturely you’ve handled this. I so hope that she finally leaves you to recover from this and to find your own peace. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): OP update----
I went ahead and met her for brunch. I was cordial and we both enjoyed brunch. I didn't bring the situation up over brunch because that's not the purpose of brunch. We both needed to allow our bodies to replenish themselves with ease.
After brunch I informed her that I had something important that needed to be addressed and suggested we go to a nearby park so we could have privacy, get some exercise by walking which would work well for both of us since the discussion might turn heated and we could release by movement and also keep down our body temps from the air.
I gave it to her cut and dry. I left out emotions and criticism. I expressed that our needs could be better by people who's needs were more aligned with what we individually need and expect in a relationship. I was careful to refrain from suggesting the merit of what she requires one way or the other. Basically if what she was doing "floated her boat," that's what she should standby so long as she could properly accept all repercussions in good or bad. She initially denied what I learned about her doings but admitted once I showed her proof. She was livid that I had investigated and became enraged arguing that I had betrayed her by sneaking behind her back to obtain the information. She was extraordinarily blasphemous cursing me saying she's glad she knows that I'm a man that can't be trusted. I didn't find the need to carry on with the discussion because I noted she had become defensive and had turned to manipulation to twist the actuality or rather straying of the relationship to deceit and betrayal onto me. I pretty much allowed her to finish her ranting then drove her back to the restaurant to get her vehicle where I escorted her to her vehicle, shut the door for her as I had always done, bid her goodbye and watched her drive off. I remained behind in my vehicle for three hours and here comes the tough part, I cried like a baby.
I've been locked in my house since returning home and had to change my phone number since she called continuously although I didn't answer. It escalated around 6 when I was pushed to call the police to get her off my property. She was greatly intoxicated, vandalizing my property and causing quite the verbally abusive scene for the neighbors.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring but for tonight at least she's secure at the precinct from driving intoxicated and causing chaos for me. I have a strong hunch she's not finished with me. I predict court support will be needed to restrain her.
Everyone's suggestions, thoughts have been much considered and appreciated. Thanks to all, a tremendous help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): It sounds like a mess of relationship. Yes, ending it is the best thing to do. She will most likely never change even if you were willing to accept all of this. Cheating is a deal breaker for me and concealing these type of things about your past would be also.
I would discuss at least that you know that she cheated on you, to unburden yourself of that pain.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (7 February 2011):
You poor love. I really feel for you on this. What you've learnt IS appalling.
She's not only been having an affair- but an affair with TWO people, and causing to ruin and potentially break up a marriage in the process. And indeed- not only that, she apparently has a long history of the same.
This is not in the past, it's how she's treating you and it’s indefensible. I don't see how anyone could justify it any otherwise.
At least you found all this out before it's too late. (Although obviously make sure that your information is 100% reliable and proven. It’s so horrid that it's hard to believe it is true!) You found out well in advance than the unfortunate partners of these married lovers she's been entertaining, and before you've made any commitment to her.
It's very noble of you to want to end this without hurting her. Frankly it’s more than she deserves. Although it IS true that discussing this openly with her might encourage her to think twice before treating someone like this again in the future. Maybe.
But right now, YOU are the injured party, and YOU deserve to get out of this relationship and away from her in any which way as makes it least painful for you. You don't owe her anything.
Abella has some very convincing suggestions in her post. If I were you I'd keep it as close to the truth as possible. Simply tell her that you're looking for a long term commitment and that you don't feel that stability with her. -I doubt that she'd argue her case too fervently if she gets any sense that you might know of her lies anyway.
I hope that you are quick to heal, as this must all have been so painful for you. May I wish you every good luck in finding an honest and loving relationship with a lady you can trust with your heart and future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Just calmly tell her the truth, no guilt trips but no mercy either. Lies are wrong no matter the reason. I found it interesting how many women here were sympathetic to her. I know from following DC for awhile that they would NOT be so sympathetic if it were a guy who was lying and deceiving. There is never a good reason to lie to a loved one, period. If they do it once they will do it again.
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A
female
reader, molly555 +, writes (6 February 2011):
i have been seeing this guy for just over 2 months and have stayed at his house nearly every night. the nights i dont see him he calls me for at least half an hour. he also calls me about 4 times a day. we have had a fantastic time and he has said that he has never found anyone like me. he has said he didnt want to answer to anyone or be in a full time relationship yet because of a previous disaster relationship with a very jealous woman. this is why we get on so well because i am so easy going. however, the other night i had too much to drink and had a go at him because he answered a phone call from another ex who he is still in contact with and it was late at night.i dont mind the contact it was just that i know why she was calling at that time- so that we would argue over it and we did. we ended up having a big row over it. he said he had to answer it because she was worried that he hadnt returned her text to say he was ok. he has since called me everyday and texted me a lot but is saying he cant risk me doing it again. do you think we can get back to where we were..we are both really sad x
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Ok, I can feel my ratings go down with this but as usual, going to keep it real.
I'm going to try to keep this short because I could go on forever on this topic.
Regarding judging...we all judge, every single day. Those who think we don't are frankly delusional. You're probably living in some makeshift reality you have constructed for yourself and haven't the slightest idea how the brain works. WE JUDGE ALL THE TIME!!! Whether or not we act on it or verbalize it is another thing, but we do it, it's natural, it's normal, it's human. Anyone reading this will judge me and might give me a rating. So yeah, we judge all the time.
So when it comes to dating, right again, we're judging all the time and frankly have every right to be judgemental...after all, how else does one discriminate between one potential partner and the next unless you are some floozie or 'nature's child' that everyone gets a spin? You are judging almost everything about her and vice-versa. That's why getting to know one another is a primary aspect of dating. How else are going to discern if you feel you are right form one another? It's usually the things that you knew to be true but failed to judge that will haunt you in the future. Could you imagine letting this slide and continuing on with her? You will torture yourself for millennia. You can't just tell yourself not to judge or be judgemental. Thoughts that go through your head are often involuntary, you can't just turn that switch on and off. Again, whether you act on it or verbalize it, you are judging...and there's nothing wrong with that...contrary to popular belief and political correctness. The one thing we should realize is that we will judge based on available information, so we need to temper our judgements based on the realization that we may not have all or sufficient information to act on any given judgement. BUT, at a certain point that may or may not matter if you've decided you know enough to act on it.
So, to the topic at hand...the "floozie" and liar. Do not lose a second of sleep over this woman. You are thinking rationally and looking out for número UNO...if you don't, who else is? You have judged that she is not right for you, I frankly I agree with you 100%. Of course, the assumption here is that what you have given here is factual, let's face it, what else do we have to go on? You're not saying she's not good for anyone else, you're just saying she is not right for you. Your judgements regarding her are only as they pertain to you, you are not stoning her in the public forum contrary to what some may have you believe.
And what about the she lied because she was ashamed bit? That's a bunch of hogwash. So sure, so how long was she going to try to pull the wool over your eyes? Be thankful you found out her true colors this soon because if she was even remotely starting out on a new leaf she would have been much more truthful. Your followup comment nixed that thought of trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully, her lies did not cause you to act irresponsibly when it comes to sexual activity (i.e., not practicing safe sex). One more reason to wait it out when it comes to be sexually active with someone, with the realization that no amount of safety precautions taken are fool proof. Not only did she lie, she may have gotten you to let your guard down, but you should have been weary anyway because you cannot be 100% trusting in a new relationship.
If she has been abused, she is not fit to be in a relationship, period. Sorry, that may sound cruel, but she needs help, not another relationship or penis in her. If that's true then she has the intellectual and emotional maturity of a child or minor. At a certain point, people need to be responsible for themselves and their actions. If not them, then who? That's like trying to separate the murderer from the psychopath who are one and the same...good luck on that one. And on that note, how would you like it to know someone you are dating was a murderer in the truest sense? Is that okay for them to hide it from you considering that a potential partner should know? Sure, a tad extreme a comparison, but it highlights the same...you have every right to know this woman's past especially when you asked. So you are doubly troubled, both by the reality of her past and that she is a liar. Both can be deal killers.
What does it say about someone who would lie in this manner?...that they are more interested in living the illusion of a relationship by swindling you into believing they are something they are not. The construct of their reality and how other people fit in it is skewed to say the least. They would rather have someone love the illusion of themselves, as opposed to being truthful and finding someone who loves them the way they are, past and all.
Now, in terms of 'letting her off' easy...stop trying to be the nice guy because you are not going to be doing her any favours. Screw trying to make up some BS. Sure, you want out and it should be as painless as possible for you and you're trying to make it as painless as possible for her as well. I say f$&kit. Tell her straight up to her face. Be true to yourself and your convictions. Don't sugarcoat sh!t. Many many many people who found themselves in your shoes would be thinking the same...me included, so there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. If anything, she is the one who has lied.
So tell her factually what you know, and that you don't feel you are compatible as a result because you don't believe in that behaviour. Say she lied to you (at minimum failed to be be truthful), and that as a result you won't be able to trust her...ever. You can say, so while you hoped things would work out differently, this is where you draw the line and part ways. Goodbye.
Short and sweet, to the point, full of ammunition, and you can stay true to yourself and your convictions. Her reaction at that point is irrelevant to you. A whole number of reactions are possible. She may cry and try to beg. She may say to hell with you and who the hell are you to judge? (...ha ha ha...when it comes to things that pertain to you personally, you do and can judge all you want...fact of life). She may be so far gone that she may salinity before you're done...from the sounds of it she has a few penises and vaginas waiting in the wings anyway...so big deal...you're just another penis to her...literally. If anything, you will have given her a dose of reality...it'll be up to her as to how she uses it or disregards it going forward.
Either way, just do it, short and sweet. Don't drag it out, life is too short to deal with liars, fakers and the like. Be thankful you were skeptical enough and wise enough to know relatively early on. You clearly didn't go in with complete blinders on believing everything about what in essence is a stranger. By being factual and straight up, you may also preempt her feeling that there is still a possibility that you can continue relations. Shut that door for good. I know in large part I am just echoing your original thoughts, so consider this my support in that regard. Take care.
So while you have judged that she is not right for you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Hey man!Try not to attach any emotion to your discussion and just say your views on relationships dont add up in that she is more promiscuous and you are more of the committed type and therefore you feel the relationship wont last long term. Dont address her, address the relationship as a whole. That way, she will be less likely to feel as tho you took a shot at her. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Just end it, she hasn't made mistakes, she is immoral. I wouldn't place any bets on her being faithful either.
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A
female
reader, Shelley Harris +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Hi,I can understand why you wouldn't want to be with this women, and I'm so pleased you don't want to harm her self esteem. I believe that's what this is all about. Do you know that these things are REALLY TRUE. If they are then you need to tell her what you've heard and ask her to explain, you owe her that. My take on this is that, she has been with all these people to fill some void or because it is filling a NEED for her, people are taught to behave in this manner I suspect from childhood. It does not mean that she wouldn't make wife material if this problem (if she does have one) is resolved the problem would be you might not be able to get over it. I would ask her WHY. She may not know, but in my experience it's because she has such a NEED to be NEEDED, that she is confusing SEX with LOVE.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): OP response #2-----First thanks everyone for your input. I can understand why my feelings for her questionable since I've pretty much presented it punch and emotionless. Don't let it fool you. I'm affected and probably to a greater degree than she'll be when I say goodbye in just hours. I've grown fond of her, for a decision to no longer use to in L word with her for purposes of severing and starting the process. I'm cut and dry, no wallowing. It's no good on the body or mind.There are conditions under which I would remain. Consider the weight and reason of the following preoccupations I carry. If she loved me, why did she not end her relations with the single man and married woman? Monogamy isn't part of her makings. Imagine, the count and compounding lies that she thrown me over 6 months time. Compulsive liar, you think? If shame is the culprit which provoked to deceive me, why was she incapable of stopping and starting anew? It is understandable she can't erase her past, but what prevented her from leaving it there in mind to be the woman she portrayed herself to be to appeal to me? I didn't force into relations with me, she knew what kind of woman I need and through her own choice manipulated me as a cameleon. She's an actress. There a hundreds of questions she's left me with stemming from every second we talked, wrote, touched, spoke, kissed, loved, all of it. It was all a lie. There's too much damage. I don't have what it takes to want her. I'm not willing to invest in a woman that far gone. I'm looking to settle down with peace and ease. I don't have what it takes to change her. She's not ready to change. She's proven it by continuing her loose easy promiscuity. I can only control and change myself. I can't stomach deceit. That's the ultimate deal breaker. I will call her at sun up and wish her well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Theres a saying...speak the truth and set yourself free. I think it might apply in this instance. If youve been dating her for a few months and you wish to stop now. She will probably put up some resistance, no matter what excuse you use. Using an excuse to end things might seem like a soft option. But by blaming yourself, you give her hope that she can 'change' your decision. The more she likes you, the more likely she is to object and come up with reasons to keep dating. So honesty might well be the best policy here. Just tell her what you have discovered and that you no longer wish to date her. If she has been seeing others behind your back, she can hardly object to you wanting to end things. You dont have to enter into any sort of dialogue with her. If she has any sense, she will go about her business and leave you in peace once she knows you have made your decision and wont be swayed. Its always unpleasant breaking up with someone but you have valid reasons for doing so. So dont feel badly about it. All the best.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (6 February 2011):
I can see why she didn't tell you and I can see why you wouldn't want to be with her. Sure it's judgemental, but some things about a person's past you can't really get over. If I met what I thought to be a really nice guy and turns out he used to kick puppies and slap old people and laugh, then I might question his character.
I think if you want to get it over with and don't want to debate about any of it, I don't think you should tell her about all these details that you know about her past. It's not like it's some sort of harmless character flaw that she can improve in a future relationship (like an annoying habit or something). I think you should just tell her it's not working out, do the whole, "It's not you, it's me" schpeel if you have to. Honesty is usually best, but if you have the evidence you need and you don't care to get into details, then screw it, tell her it's over and move on without a detailed explanation.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (6 February 2011):
Be honest with her because she needs to hear the truth. She needs to hear that no self respecting man will want to settle down with a woman who behaves in that manner. Then, maybe she will change her ways and stop being so loose. You may help to save her life by being honest, she may not always practice safe sex. Yes it will hurt her but I think it will be better for her in the long run.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): OP response------
Abella thanks a lot for your thoughts and suggestions. I have evidence. One thing I didn't put here she's seeing a single man and married woman since she's been seeing me. Should I tell her and show her everything? I want to avoid that avenue to keep the break up quick and irrelevent free. I want it to be debate free. There's no point in getting her all riled up. I wouldn't place merit in anything she's put out. Remember she's a liar as I've learned so even if her words ring true I won't know. Lies lies lies is what I see her as since getting the news. What do you think?
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Wow! being a little judgemental?
I can understand how hearing about her sexual appetite from the past maybe dissapointing especially when you have such high moral standards !!!... but I wonder if she had of been more explicit about her sexuality in the beginning would you have continued to see her?.....promiscuity is often the result of an abusive upbringing....I am reminded of the movie whereby Julia Roberts plays the part of a hooker and how the rich bored high society man falls in love with her and also how the high society woman were such snobs....anyway, my question is this....did you ever like / love her?...I doubt it because you would not turn your back on her...In this day an age many men and woman are exploring thier sexuality and the stastics for people having affairs is very high.....I'm not saying its right but it takes more than 1 person to have an affair and consent of all to partake in sexual activities....you cannot blame everything onto 1 person....what about the men who have taken advantage of her? I think she would be better off without you because you are like all the other men whom have used and abused this woman. If you loved her you would stand by her not walk away because of the past.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 February 2011):
 you sure you want to end it this way? You'll have to be extremely economic with the facts as you know them. And circumspect. In effect you may not call it lying, but you'll have to leave out a lot of what you do know. And may soften it with padding that is just fluff.
You may well be the nicest guy she's ever dated.
And was she unfaithful during your relationship? Or prior to it? If the former I can understand your sense of betrayal. But before? What if she's reformed, and found she is very in love with you?
But it seems your mind is made up.
So any of the following may apply.
1. You've decided you want to get some overseas travel out of your system because you realise you're not ready to settle down. And you are not ready to have children. So staying with her is not fair to her.
2.you've enjoyed her company, but the relationship is moving too fast for you. And you realise you are seriously commitment phobic and as such you want to end it on a high note, before you become insufferable. You need to get out now so she has a chance to find a nice guy who's not commitment phobic.
3. you've been examining your 2011 new year resolutions. And one is to get into some long term counselling to deal with your inability to contain your judgemental tendencies. It's ruined previous relationships. And you've started to get over anxious about this trait again. And you don't want to taint this relationship, as you have done before. So you want to remember all the good things about her and your relationship with her. And hope that in 5 to 10 years you'll be able to confidentally go forward without being judgmental.,
And that she deserves a loving, accepting, confident, non-judgemental friend/buddy/lover/partner. But that person is not you.
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (6 February 2011):
 You know you just have to tread lightly here. I wouldn't tell her why you are breaking up with her unless she asks. I would just tell her that this relationship is no longer working for me. I would just say I think you are a nice person and I want you to be happy and want to be a stand-up guy, but this relationship is no longer working for me. I would tell her you want to take a break and leave it at that, you don't have to say any more. If she asks if you want to see other people, just tell her yes. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Whoah I feel for you. Don't drag it out. Call her and put it out there for what it is. Cancel brunch and be done with her. No contact. Change your phone number, block her emails, so on and so on. Better that you found out now then later and perfect luck next time around!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): There's no easy way and she'll probably assume you are judging her.If you made it clear like you said that you wouldn't "didn't take on relations with women made up that way," or if you have ever judged other women similar to her in her presence, then it's no wonder she lied and she'll know it's her past that bothers you. I'd tell her you know about her past, tell her how you found out, and ask her if it's true.Give her a chance to come clean. This is only fair if your "proof" is second hand information. If she denies it, then I guess you have to pick between believing her and a source.In terms of softening the blow, stress that her deception offends you more than the details of her past. Be calm about it. Tell her she's broken your trust in a major way and you can't see her anymore because of it. Obviously she knows you judge her, but I would lay off dwelling on the details of the past.
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A
female
reader, ailemaaax  +, writes (6 February 2011):
I know you have your mind made up, but maybe you are being hard on her.
We all make mistakes and people change. The reason she tried to hide it all from you was probably because she was ashamed. Poor woman.
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