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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I am a mother of a 14 year old daughter that persists on having sex with older boys/men. She's already admitted to having sex with a 27 year old and now she's aiming at 17 year old's. At the beginning of April 2011 she went off with someone from facebook but i don't know if she had sex with him. We ended up getting police out. But this recent event has left me feeling very angry and disappointed in her that she should feel the need to have sex at 14. She has been to the doctors today to get the 72 hour pill and between her and my husband and my eldest daughter they feel that they have to lie to me about things which leaves my 12 year old piggy in the middle and thats not good for her. I have got to the stage where I don't know where to turn or what to do. I feel i cannot talk to my daughter of 14 anymore, which i know is probably not the best thing to do. Can anyone give me advice as i feel i have failed as a parent. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): A 27 year old man having sex with a 14 year old girl is a pedophile i would be discussing her actions for this, it sounds like an attention thing but i would be asking for help from your doctor or welfare office to see how you can get to the bottom of it, Don't put yourself down and feel like you have failed as a parent you cant control every action she does. Set some serious boundaries and new rules, be stricter and ban her using facebook etc... good luck :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): hold on here but could she have been sexual abused?
Girls that have been sexual abused tend to go for older men. Could this be the thing that they are hiding form you. Maybe I barking up the wrong tree.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I think very firm boundaries are in order.She is screaming out for them and you must set them before it is too late to and she is too old. Firm boundaries do not mean you are being harsh or unkind or lacking understanding. I certainly don't agree with the approach that you need to not judge her and be soft. Of course you will not be judging her, you are her mother, however as a mother and parent you know best. It sounds like the family are waiting for a leader to emerge in this situation and no one is taking the right action. Ground her, disipline her. Make it clear to her what the new terms will be and that things are going to change in a positive way and although she might feel a bit restrtictive at first it is for her own good - she is 14 not 44. Make it clear that everytime she breaks a rule what the disipline will be, such as losing a priveledge. Be persistant it will work but you will have to come up with a good plan. Watch some Doctor Phil, or the 'Nanny'. Insist on respect in your own mind and she will give it. She will probably try and test you for a few months to see if you are joking and you will need to get the whole family behind you - and won't it be all worth it when looking back in a year and further you can proudly see the young lady she has become and the respect she has for her mother. This is the only way - people and familes cry out for some leadership. Find a good counselor and the kind of guidance and extra support you need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I don't think you area failure.., I am 16 and at age 14 I had sex with a 28 year old., I did it for the attention from him and it had nothing to do with my parents
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): No, you haven't failed as a parent. Its very common for people to attract to people older than them. Like a teenage having crush on her|his senior or teacher. And its common, that teenagers want to have sex. And many of them want to experience it with older people. So, you should spend time with her and pamper her a little, give her time, make her favourite food. Talk to her, share talks with her.
It could also be that she wants to feel older than she is. Like feel independent. Many teenagers want people to think they are grown ups. But be her friend more than her mother to her. And after sometime, tell her its not healthy to be with a person with such age difference.
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male
reader, jkirk  +, writes (7 June 2011):
For starters file charges against the child molester she had sex with.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 June 2011):
First of all, sorry in advance for the length of this post.
Having been quite rebellious myself at that age, I can emphasize. I did not have sex that early (actually, I was later than most) but I was quite a handful. For me the biggest difference was that my mom listened to me instead of judging me.
My dad was real quick to tell me what I was doing wrong, while my mom just let me talk and offered sensible advice. You can guess who I turned to for problems.
My dad came around when I got older and when I was 18 it was easy for me to ask for his take on things while I would have never done that at 14. So not all is lost. You can still change this situation.
First of all, she has admitted to you that she had sex with someone almost twice her age. That's a big admission, one that is not easily made. It means you can still talk to her. So do it. Just go to her and have a talk just you and her alone.
Some pointers that may help:
#1. Admit your mistakes and tell her you want to make it better. Tell her you want her to be able to confide in you because she's your daughter and you love her.
When talking to a teen, the worst thing you can do is to accuse. So take the wind out of her sails by admitting you're not perfect either.
My dad used to present himself as this perfect picture of a guy who always did the right thing. That's why I never went to him--it made me feel inferior and I didn't think he'd understand my struggles. Later he admitted he was actually a lot worse as a teen than I ever would be: he dabbled in drugs, sold drugs, got into fights and tried to commit suicide at age 18. When he admitted this he got my respect because he showed me that he was a human being who made mistakes, but got out of it better.
#2. She may not accept you at first--a teens first reaction is usually to reject instead of embrace-- so do not be discouraged if this is the case. You will need to reinforce your words with actions, by being there for her and not immediately judging her or getting into an argument with her.
#3. Her behavior is risky, but prohibiting her won't help. So simply explain to her why it is risky to meet people from facebook and having sex with men much older than she is. Again, don't judge, just tell her how you see it.
#4. Encourage her to take self defense lessons and to carry pepper spray on her when she goes off alone. "I know I can't stop you from doing what you've being doing. But I can ask you to be sensible, to be safe. You're a smart girl, but please, for your sake and mine, take this with you." And hand her the pepper spray. As for self defense lessons, well...there practically isn't an easier way to meet cute guys. If she's so hormonal this might actually appeal to her. And then you'll know she'll be around guys in a safe environment with rules.
When I started doing karate at age 13 I was the only girl. This also calmed down my hormones because I got to have guys around me in a normal setting that is not sexual in any way (opposed to illegal parties and such). I am still befriended to quite a few of them today, ten years later.
#5. Tell her you will not judge her as long as she keeps telling you the truth. My mom told me this. "No matter what you do or how angry you think it'll make me, please tell me about it. I want to be able to support you and I can't be a good parent if I don't know what's going on." Through this way I was able to confide in my mom about sensitive things. So tell this to all your kids.
Maybe you're already doing some of these things. Still, I think they're worth mentioning. I wish you the best and please keep us updated!
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I live here in the US and the laws are a bit different here.I am the Mother of a 13yr old daughter and I know what I would do if this were my situation.First, I would be filing charges against the men. Our laws prosecute boys/men over the age of legal consent if they have sex with an underaged minor. It doesnt matter if she was WILLING or not in our state-if the male KNOWINGLY engages in sex with a minor it is called statutory rape.Second, I would be asking her about her birth control method and disease precautions. Do some homework and show her the COST of an unplanned pregnancy and PICTURES of what some STD's look like. Insist she get on some birth control and know how to use condoms. Third, if you know who the boys/men are and they live at home with family, I would be getting other parents involved. Did you know your son is having sex with my 14 yo daughter?Fourth, Get counseling as soon as possible. This sort of reckless behavior SCREAMS that she nees attention. Care enough to FIGHT for her well-being right now. It is going to be a rough battle.You have to put your judgements and personal feelings of failure aside. Do not obsess on HOW you got here or what you should or could have done differently. Now is the time to ACT differently and do your best to prevent FURTHER damage.Last, I would do all you can to gain the support of your family and freinds. Why is your family lying to you/what do they lie about?
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reader, jc2008 +, writes (7 June 2011):
I have to admit I don't have a daughter or sister but I do work with teenagers. What I would do is sit her down one day and act like your not angry or disappointed in her and come down to her level if you like. Tell her that you love her and ask her why she is disrespecting herself by having sex at all and especially with older men. Tell her gentley that she could ruin these mens lives if they don't know that she is 14. Let her know that you are there for her and gentley let her know that you have been her age and she doesn't need to use sex to gain anyones approval or attention. Maybe she feels that you like the other children more than her, is there a way you can treat her that would make her feel appreciated and wanted. Hope it all works out for you and don't blame yourself because there are lots of factors which cause this.
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male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 You haven't failed as a parent,i think your little girl needs your attention and understanding.
She is at a stage where being rebellious is very common and without thinking twice may display all kinds of disgusting behavior as a way of getting back at you.
Parents always mean well but teenagers do not understand the love and care their parents have for them.
Rather than reprimand her,try talking to her like you are talking to a fellow woman and let her know the dangers of such behavior and need to settle down with one boy. Ask her if she has a boyfriend and also try to be her friend. Who knows you may stumble on the real reason why she behaves the way she does.
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reader, Drew21  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I would go talk to a Doctor (family doctor?) and ask them for a referral for some family counselling.
It'll be tough. Your daughter (and family?) may fight it, but be strong. If they are ALL lying to you, you need to get them in a setting where you can all lay out your concerns and get an impartial, outside take on things!
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