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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years now. Of that 2 years we have lived together a year and a half. I have a 3 1/2-year-old son and he is divorced and has a 5-year-old daughter; she splits her time every other week with us and then her mom. Up until 2 months ago we had lived about 60 miles away from her mom, but now we all live in the same town (small town). He has been divorced for about a year now and separated for 2 years. His daughter never seemed to have any real issues with them not being together (on occasion yes), but now that both families live within 2 miles of each other there is emotional turmoil happening! His daughter never wants to come to our home. She gets hysterical and cries for hours. Same with her mom. Last evening I picked her up at her mom's home and we all sat in the car while her mom and her cried for about 15 minutes about having to leave her. When I say cry I mean bawl! Fighting to get out of the car and such as well. Finally, her mom's fiance said you just have to let go. I agreed. She had her time at her mom's now it's time to go to her dad's. However, she never acts like this when it's time to leave our home to go back to her mom's. Both of the kids attend daycare. They have since they were babies. Again we never had any issues with going to care in the morning until we moved closer to her mom. For the past 3 weeks she cries and throws a huge fit because she doesn't want to go, but instead wants her mom. I'm guessing my boyfriend didn't help the situation any by allowing her mom to pick her up from care 3 days last week and then spend some time with her (seeing as we had to go thru the same crying and emotions each night she brought her home). I understand she is 5, but I believe there should be some stability with who she is with weekly and not letting her mom come in between it when she feels she needs to see her daughter. Otherwise, I'm afraid this will never get better. It's been 2 months now. If anything it's getting worse. My boyfriend and I argue over it because he sees nothing wrong with her being this way. It's definately affecting our relationship. I am sympathetic with her seeing as I was like that when I was young, but it's to the point now where it's exhausting going thru this day and night; week after week!What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, one would believe that things would be easier for his daughter seeing as we literally have to go just a few blocks down the street, but nope it's worse than ever! It's an everyday, every minute thing where she is asking when she goes back to her mom's house or if she can call her mom. I understand they may be close, but give it up already!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 The mom is setting this whole thing up.
If mom was matter of fact about this so would child be....
can anyone speak to the mother about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, her mom cries when she has to leave!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I really think you need to get a professional involved and quickly. Get the girls mother on board so she understands that is is all non threatening and say that you hate seeing how upset your little girl is since you have moved into the area - you would like to get a nice professional in for a few weeks to give you all some coping techniques. I'm sure she doesn't like the situation either and simply doesn't have the skills to handle it - don't point this out to her but make her understand that it will be a team effort between all of you - and high five for taking some good action to help a young one adjust.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): it's normal for young kids to be more attached to one parent than the other (typically the one they spend more time with) but in your case this is a new development, it wasn't always like this. You would think that moving closer would make things better not worse!and you're saying the mother also cries and bawls her eyes out when it's time for the kid to get in the car to go down the street to be with the dad??? Now THIS is dysfunctional, the mother I mean!! No wonder the kid is becoming hysterical, her closest adult role model is being like that.but sorry i don't have any concrete advice, except that maybe since you and your boyfriend, and his kid's mom and her fiance, all seem to get along fairly well, maybe suggest that the parents see a family therapist for help.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 This is such a shame. It is sad, but this is why divorce is hard on children and shouldn't be taken lightly when children are involved. It is great that you have agreed to split time equally and are striving to create stability for the child. But it seems that at this point in her life she has a greater attachment to her mother than her father. This happens. Therefore the child will begrudge having to be parted from her mother. It is not that she doesn't want to be with you and her father, it's just that being parted from her mother is very difficult, as she is so close. It seems her mother is also very close to her daughter and is unable to control her emotions when it comes to parenting her. It is up to her mother to be emotionally strong and reassure her daughter that it is ok to leave her, and that she will see her again in a week.
I think perhaps the change in you home has brought up this change in behaviour from the daughter. Maybe it is something to do with leaving her mum but not going so far away, the girl then knows her mum isn't far away but she can't see her, which she may find hard. At least when you lived further away, the girl knew there would be no way she could see her mum for the whole time she was with you. Now she knows mum is just a car ride away and finds that hard to deal with.
Don't despair. I do think that in time, the girl will begin to get used to what is going on and will settle into the routine. It may take a few more months, but over time, and keeping up the steady routine, she won't be able to keep reacting this way, as she will learn that this is how it is going to be.
I think your boyfriend needs to accept responsibility for this more, and for its affect on you. You are clearly distressed and stressed because of all of this emotional upheavel, week after week. I also don't think the fact he allowed the girls mum to pick her up from nursery in his week with her did any good at all, as this will break the routine. I think you will either need to share the collecting etc all the time, or keep it to, whoever has her staying with them, is the one to do all parenting for that week. The girl may be closer to her mum, but she has 2 parents and it is only right she should see both of them equally. Also she is very lucky to have a father who wants to be a good parent.
Perhaps you could talk to the mother about this? Just explain that the emotional turmoil is very difficult for you all and you want the little girl to be as happy and stable as possible. Try to come to some sort of arrangement so that you can all live happier. Maybe it would help to all see a family counsellor all together for a couple of sessions? This would show the little girl that you are all in this together and all want her to be happy. Talk to your partner about this too. He needs to realise this is stressing you out and do somthing about it.
Good luck!
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