A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiIm from the UK and just want someone to help me about a sex addiction before it gets out of hand. I am a 21 year old guy who has never had a girlfriend and just feels lonely. I have hobbies that i do (gym a lot) but for some reason recently i have been visiting brothels.I am very embarrassed by this and dont tell anyone as i feel have no friends which i could tell.I have visited these people 5 times, but each time i come back very upset and just never really enjoy it. All summer (after a bad experience with one) i did so well and realised i want a loving relationship and for a long time didnt even have an urge to go, but out of nowhere last month i ended up going back. I mean everytime I go there im very scared and nervous and never really have a good time? Is it maybe because i find that ive never had a girlfriend of girls giving me attention that i find them so fascinating even tho it hurts me inside and hate myself for it afterwards? I mean even when im there im totally terrified and just uncomfortable with the situation and i dont understand why i keep going back!I would like to know if you know someone who i can daily email my feelings for a while or maybe even someone in the UK who can help if you cannot?
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never had a girlfriend, sex addict Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I think you are lonely and the attention these girls can lavish on you feels good. But it also might feel empty because they are only treating you this way for money. I understand your problem because I kinda had the same problem myself. Only eventually I learned to relax and enjoy myself. Sure, physically it was enjoyable. But visiting brothels and hookers is not a proper way to develop interpersonal relationships that most "other" people have. As others have suggested, I think you simply have to start putting yourself out there where you can meet other people. Not neccasarily spend every night in a club, but you need to get out (at least more than just going to a gym). I know that's easier said than done but nothing good is ever easy.Good luck
A
female
reader, _lola_  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 That's really bad that your feeling lonely, from experience I think bottling things up makes them a million times worse.
I think everyone is right, doesn't sound like a sex addiction to me either, but I wouldn't recommend looking for a F**K buddy either, I think someone always gets hurt in that situation.
Please don't go to the brothels anymore if they're making you feel worse, you're just doing your self more damage.
Check out this page
www.slaauk.com
If you want someone to just listen to your probs or to talk email me!
Best of luck xxx
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 Its not very thrilling or satisfying to have sexual relations with women for money. There's no emotional connection there, and you feel terrible about it because you're getting sexual gratification, but mean nothing to the women you're having sex with.The act is physically intimate but the experience is not.You need to start finding women in your area who are normal, are not sex-workers and who appreciate you for who you are.If you continue on this path you won't find it very fulfilling.There are women who chose to have relations with men, but are not looking for full-time full-blown relationships. In other words they want a friend who can be intimate with them.Maybe that should be your start, sort of to wean yourself away from hookers and more towards women who can give you some insight into you as a person, and at the same time enjoy your sexuality with you and you them and their sexuality.Again its just a step, not a relationship. Try some dating sites that specialize in these sort of half-relationships. These women can help guide you in that journey of self-discovery. It seems in all of this time, you still have not come to terms with who you are and where your heart really is. Until that happens, you cannot commit to a loving relationship until you know what it is in a relationship you expect.This may have been the problem all along. Its hard to say. But what you have is not a sex addiction. An addiction is much worse than what you've experienced and takes over a person's life so that they cannot function normally.You seem to function normally, but your loneliness and lack of self-esteem, coupled with inability to comprehend what it is that you're looking for are all adding up.Try finding women who are not interested in long term relationships but who are interested in friendship with a male, and exploring. There you will find some comfort and some very good advice about yourself. Be good, be gentle, be open minded; and be honest with yourself and others.
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A
female
reader, robinp93401 +, writes (22 October 2009):
Five times and you never enjoyed it? You are NOT a sex addict. I repeat NOT a sex addict. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you needing to have sex, NOTHING. I live in the U.S. and am a woman and can't for the life of me figure out why paying somebody for sex is against the law. It's ridiculous. Don't hate yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. You're obviously embarrassed by the fact that you do this, but if you actually told a friend, girl or guy, you would probably be surprised by their lack of shock. If you go to the gym and have other hobbies why don't you start by saying "hi" to people or "how are you?" If you're openly nice to people, they'll return in kind. Put yourself out there. Don't let this "sex addict mind set" affect who you really are and what you want. Forget about it. Get out there, and if you feel the need to have sex, go back, but this time have fun, don't worry about what other people will think. Often times when a persons needs are unfulfilled they will express them in other, unhealthy and dangerous ways. We all need an outlet. However, I don't think yours is a brothel because when you leave you're not satisfied. So not a sex addict. Make some friends and I'm sure they'll be able to set you up on some dates and who knows.....? :)
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A
female
reader, Cat_87 +, writes (22 October 2009):
 I wouldnt call it an addiction just yet as ur not going there every single day. I think your just drawn back there just for company and as you say it female attention. The gym is a good hobby, i no my local gym also do classes which go along with your membership, maybe yours does to? You should join a class and start chatting that way.
Do you work? Workplaces are also very social places? Theres lots of opportunities to meet people, maybe its just that you lack confidence and self esteem, is there any way you could talk to someone about this?
One things for sure if u feel so nervous and uncomfortable you should not be going to these places, they are not safe places. I hope you stay stafe there! Anyway i hope some of this has helped! If u need to talk message me.
Good Luck x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 October 2009):
You need to look at why you're doing this. You're lonely? You have to try and make friends. The gym is a good hobby, but it's very much something you do alone. Why not do a martial art, or another hobby where you can just be around other people that you have to interact with? It might also be worth considering counselling if you're feeling low, so a proffessional can get you to speak about your feelings and then help you understand them. Good luck.
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