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age
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writes: Im 19 years and about to graduate high school. My life couldn't be better, even though it's not perfect. I was adopted by my grandparents when I was a baby, after my biological mother had me at the age of 16 but couldn't take care of me. My grandparents are who I call mom and dad, and to me there is no other mom and dad, they will always be my parents no matter what. My real mother on the other hand has big issues. At this point in my life, I have realized that she is an unappreciative, inconsiderate and cynical person. Inclusive she is a bad mother and not a good daughter as well. In reality she has been like a sister to me, but now I just see her as a human being, nothing more. If I would explain all the reasons why is she such a bad person, this question would be too long, as it already is. All I can say is that everything she has ever done and continues to do at this point just bottles up my anger. I have no love, no compassion, nothing but anger towards this woman, and I think it's unhealthy. All I want is for her to get out of my life as soon as possible and have no contact with her whatsoever. I have to say me and her are completely different, like were not even related. If she continues with the way she is, she will end all alone. But I could care less. Is it wrong for me to to think this? Is wrong that I could possibly hate her? I mean if I have my parents and the rest of my family who I love, is it right for me to no longer have contact with her?Even though this isn't relevant to the question, I'll add that my biological father abandoned me and got married to another woman and had 2 more kids. So not only to I have 2 half brothers but 2 half sisters as well. But I know for a fact that he is out of the picture, for never even giving me a chance. In case people ask what happened to my real father. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 marriedlady,
Thank you for your beautiful post and for pointing out my errors.
If anyone felt offended ,outraged or upset,it was unintentional and my regrets and apologies to you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): laura i apologize for calling you out. it was not my intent to belittle you. i am all for love and understanding. i just know that sometimes...in some cases it just does not work no matter how bad we want it to. i have a very very dear friend who has a mother just like the ones described here. from the time she (my friend) was born she has spent her whole life trying to please her mother...trying to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, anything to get a positive response from her mother. in 45 years, it still hasnt happened. she was forced to eat vomit...she was left alone at a very young age...just unimaginable things. i cannot comprehende it. but i know it happened. when a poster or a person answering one of these posts reads,"well you should just try to understand and love them"...it causes them great pain because they have spent years trying to understand and love them. then saying that they are not god to judge the heart...i DO see what you are saying, but can you understand that you dont have to be God to see that there is no love there? In 98% of the posts i would agree with you even. but to watch a grown woman weep because her mother (whom she has taken into her own home to care for because she was unable to stay alone any longer) no matter what she does, cannot give her even a crumb of positive affection, causes you to remember the other 1%. i appreciate your apology, i respect your right to your opinion, as much as i am entitled to mine. I hope that we can move on with no hard feelings. we are all here for the same reason and lets not lose sight of that... to help a troubled heart. we may approach that differently at times but i truly believe you are here to help. hugs, mal
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (16 March 2010):
I get the feeling that it is wrong to tell people like OP to have more love, more compassion's, more understandings and more kindness for their moms who have failed or unable to carry out their duties as a mother.
If I am wrong ,I stand to be corrected. . Whatever I have said, I will withdraw them and I apologize for my mistakes.
Perhaps, I am not eloquent enough to express my thoughts in the right way or what I wrote was taken into a different context because of our cultural differences.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Married lady's answer was a beautiful and just end to this thread of posts. Had it finished there, I think would have left it there...
The way to 'break the cycle' is not to stay in it, or to encourage a 'child' (regardless of age- but in respect of this relationship) to try and mould a parent that is not in their capability or in their responsibility to change. The role of mother (or father) and child would actually make it extremely unlikely that the child could quintessentially change their parent in the long run or to such an extent that they could ever consider them 'permanently affected'. The way to break the cycle is to get out of it. There is absolutely no reason to suggest that the OP would replicate any part of this cycle- and she has shown nothing but sensitivity and consideration.
But, I'm sorry- Laura's answers are not just 'spreading love'. Think of it as the equivalent of encouraging a vulnerable young girl to make peace with an angry bear! -It's just not safe. And I mean that emotionally as much as physically.
OP- your self esteem is every bit as valuable as your physical well-being, if not more so- and just like everyone else- you deserve every chance of nurturing and developing it to become the person you want to be. In honesty, you sound remarkably mature and well-balanced considering the pressure that you've had put upon you, and I think it’s often the case that 'survivors' are forced to mature very quickly. (Let’s face it- it’s that or get crushed in the struggle!)
You are clearly a remarkable young lady, and I wish you every success in life.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 Bet this thread gets closed..
So much pain, so much suffering.... sigh.
As Laura says, it's usually the crazy and the insane who can't love, and then they are not wicked they is just sick. Other than that, pain begets pain, it cycles. They suffered, so they lash out, or draw back and don't give. Then another cycle begins again. I hate cycles of madness, someone has to stop it, and it begins with me. Sometimes walking away dosen't heal the pain, it just covers it up, until you start your own cycle of pain with someone else.
Most wicked people have their own sad stories to tell. As far as I can see, Laura is just here trying to spread love, so what do you guys do... you start the cycle again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): laura, you don't get it. neither do i frankly because i had a loving mother. she isn't perfect but there was always love. my father was a preacher all of my life. rest assured you cannot out "bible" me. but let me say, you are way off base and out of line here. to the young poster, do your best to treat the woman with respect, but that can very well be by staying away from her. yes it is a commandment to honor thy father and thy mother. does that mean you have to stick around for more abuse? no it doesn't. the definitions of the word honor vary, but here is one that i find fitting...honor: recognition; distinction i think the poster can recognize that the woman gave her life, recognize her place as mother. but that honor is very far removed on the other hand for respect which is certainly earned. i think there has to be a place of learning to deal with the pain and hurt and emotion,and i would certainly be the last one to say how that is to be. but for the sake of the OP i know it is necessary for your own peace of mind. this is not meant to be a theological discussion, but since there were scriptures quoted i have addressed that. in terms of treatment, be civil, be polite, and guard yourself. sometimes distance when possible makes that easier. i do not think it is required on any level to subject yourself to punishment over and over again. to each of you that have posted here and i felt the anguish of your heart, may i say, that i wish i could fix it. you are survivors. you are overcoming. hugs to you all, and may god bless you all. how dare i that haven't walked in your shoes be judgemental or self-righteous. we each have a road to walk. do your best to walk it with integrity. integrity and compassion and determination and humor and the will to survive are not inherited traits and neither is narcissism. that means you have every chance in the world to be everything your mother isn't. make your life count and good luck. mal
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (15 March 2010):
Some mothers are bad mothers in a sense because they come from a culture which followed their traditions.
They treat their daughters badly and they learned it from their mothers and grandmothers.
Off course, there are some mothers who never loved their children.Those mothers who are insane and the sick (comatose).
From the outside we can see there is no mother's love but who knows what is inside the mother's heart unless you can enter her heart or you are God who can see inside her heart.
Which mother does not love her newborn? Are you saying that your mother never loved you at all since the day you were born?
Do you think this is logical?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Laura, what don't you get, not all mothers love their children, not deep down, not at all, mine never touched me in a loving way, never said I love you, never looked at me with love.
The story of bringing me home from hospital is, I looked at you and thought oh I am lumbered with this, and it went from there
I am not talking about a mother who is strict and told me off for my own good, because she loves me and wants the best for me.
I am talking about a Mother that gave no comfort or love my entire life and much worse. Mother is now 85 and is living with me for the past 6 years, I am her caregiver and to this day she is still doing it.
OP I totally understand the way you feel about your bio mum. and no it is not wrong, people reap what they sow.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (15 March 2010):
Vintage64
What makes a good mother ?
"Good mothering is often measured by the method of parenting rather than the results. Therefore, the definition of ‘good mother’ has come to mean different things to different people."
Who wants to be a bad mother ? Surely it is insane for a woman to get pregnant just that she can abused her children .
Even young girls who got pregnant at 16 would not dream of ill treating or abusing their child .
Is it rational and logical?
But we read of many cases where the mothers neglect , abandoned and abused their children. Why is that ?
They became bad mothers because they were ill equipped to handle the role of a mother or they did not receive the emotional, psychological and financial support that they needed. They crumbled under those pressures. They are only human.
Sometimes the guardians may poison their young minds or implant them with their negative views of their parents .
Even bad mothers who abuse their children still might love them in some way.You don't feel it or see it but that does not mean that there is no love in your mother's heart.
God chastise us even though He loves us.
reference;-
http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/motherhoodloomswheresmyyarn/whats-a-good-mother-parenting-and-babywise-part-28.aspx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Laura, I just want my mother to love me.
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reader, Laura1318 +, writes (15 March 2010):
It is a funny thing, when you do not have love for a person , you will see that person in a negative light .
Whatever that person does, it will come out negatively in your mind.
You may even see her as a devilish person .
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. – Corinthians 13:7-8
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Oh, how unfair it is when narcissistic people find their way to a position of power and authority! I think that you're actually maintaining a very healthy attitude in distinguishing that you hate the things she does, rather than hating her. It's a subtle difference, and it should help you in distancing yourself from her without such deep feelings of 'hate' bubbling away inside you.
You haven't 'got' to love anyone- and it's clear you've given this considerable thought, and given her 'second' chances time and time again. I quite agree with Ingwe that so many people doubt the extremity of children with stories of intolerable parents. Despite the very same people judging people for not caring for or harming young children, they doubt the validity of claims coming from the mouths of these put upon children themselves!
Please don't waste your life tidying up after the mess made by your mum. You have and deserve your own life to lead! (Much respect to your grandmother- she sounds awesome!)
To Laura- you keep waving a flag of exclusivity that; "But you cannot know a mother's anguish unless you become a mother yourself. That's a fact." -But if your own child was put in a position of being raised by this woman from a very young age? -Or of recognising her as a role model as she grew up? –Wouldn’t you snatch her back warning 'stay away from that nasty woman!'
Being a 'parent' is not a 'get out of jail free' card. Quite the opposite- it's an enormous responsibility. And as much as someone can provide someone with a safe secure and culturally rich start in life- they unfortunately have the power to do exactly the opposite. A lot of us have seen the trauma and counselling as a result of a crazy parent, and given half the chance to encourage a child away from this inevitability, would advise in no uncertain terms- stay away from her, and live your own life in the company of those you love and who love and care for you very much.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 March 2010):
See Dear Caller, we understand what you mean. But it's worth trying, even though we've told you horror stories. At 19, your relationship is still young enough for her to surprise you with some good things you never knew she had inside.
mmm... not good enough...
You may not need her, but she needs your love more than you could ever know.. :)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 March 2010):
Understand Q, and yep they can't be cured.... but they can be taught to behave. They need attention, so I use absence as a punishment. Good behaviour gets rewarded by a short visit, bad behaviour and no contact for a while. The narcissim is quite unbearable and it drains you like a vampire. But in the end, I believe a crazy mother is worth the pain they give...
Hahaha!!! mine drove my partner away, tried to get rid of all my friends, tried to get everyone to hate me, and tried to get me written out of my fathers will.. she's a bit sorry now, cause she's fucked up me life.. just a bit sorry, guess that's enough. :)
Mum's, you just got to love them right.. :)
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (14 March 2010):
It is very unfortunate that you were not brought up in a normal loving family environment by your parents but by your grandparents who have fulfilled those roles marvelously and raised you up to be what you are today.
There are quite a number of cases where the grandparents had to take over the role of being their parents.
Either their children were incapable of looking after their kids due to mental or psychological sickness,drugs or criminal activities.
Right now , you may not feel or show any compassion's or love for her. I know and understand that it is very hard to do that since she has abandoned you and have never given you her mother's love or any good memories to remember by.
It is natural to feel cold and detached towards your real mother.You do not have to be a mother to know that she is devilish person But you cannot know a mother's anguish unless you become a mother yourself. That's a fact.
I could write on and no but it will not change your opinions of your mother which you have formed since birth.
Suppose in a hypothetical situation , your mom met with an accident and passed away.How would you feel? Give it a deep thought.
We cannot take things for granted. People can change in time. You too may change when you grow older and being more matured.
Everything happens for a reason and only God can see the whole picture. You are just like a piece of jigsaw puzzle and when the picture is complete , you will be able to see the complete picture.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): Miamine, It is with so much sadness, that I have to say that no they can't change, nor do they want to. My mother, is void of emotion. I am not going to list here what it is like to be brought up with a mother like this, but the damage they do is, well it's not good.
OP, The answer to you question, no it is not wrong, to feel the way you do, society has us conditioned to be thankful to our Mothers, and for the good Mother's out there than yes that is right. You are very lucky that you had your grandparents to love and care for you.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 March 2010):
Hey Q... same here, but I stay... I'm stubborn enough to believe, that even crazy people can be changed.
Original caller, you must do what's best for you. However, you don't know the whole story, you hear parts from people who don't know the whole story too.
The fact that you are here looking for advice, shows me that your not comfortable pushing this woman aside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): Wow Q, we have something in common.
Ive always noticed the people with good parents get so upset when you critazise your parents. "your just a brat" and so forth. "your ungratful for everything she does for you".
So I am going to tell a little story of my mothers last vist, and I hope you will see why I was happiest when she went back. Btw she hadent visited in 5 years.
She had moved back to new zealand, my brother and sister were litterally thrown out, my brother was ok, but my sister moved in with unrealiable friends so had to stay with our aunt (yes everyone gossiped about it and we all looked bad) Dad and I paid her rent to my aunt and helped my brother as best we could.
Things wernt working out in new zealand so mum decided that she could get some big money by selling our family house in sydney. We have owned this house since 1987, and my parents although long seperated wernt divorced. So legally she could take our home (she had never paid the mortgage and hadnt lived there in 16 years)
Mum arrived and imediately started barking orders to Dad and myself. She literally was planning to do up the house and sell it. Thats right! The home Dad and I currently live in.
So Dad being the passive type said nothing, and I was dumbstruck. She began redecorating the house with glee, and even had Dad help her. She was surprised and angry when I refused.
I asked her what would both myself and dad do whithout a place to live. She said Im old enough to move out (fair enough, it probably is high time I left) and dad could rent a place (hes 62 now btw)
In other words what she ment was "i could care less, I want the money from selling the house".
She then gave me a long list of things to do for her while she was here, which I did without question or complaint.
It all came to a head one evening, when she recieved a reply from a jobagency, telling her she had been unsucessful in an interview. She moaned and moaned. then sat right infront of me and started tearing me to pieces, every small thing I was doing that didnt measure up.
I saw through it and wanted to tell her off, but Dad would have been upset if I had, so I kept quiet. When she came to apologise later, i told her to return to perth and take her nonsense with her.
For the next 2 weeks she stayed there, I either didnt speak with her or argued with her about everything. I guess I guilt tripped her into going because she didnt try to sell our house.
And she went back and things were much nicer here.
So you see that not all parents are wonderful selfless people that only want the best for their family, They are real people like everyone else and are just as selfish and abusive as any bad partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks once again for your answers, any more are welcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you mean Laura1318, I am too young and I still have a whole life a ahead of me. But sometimes I feel that I don't need to be a mother to understand what a develish person she is.
Recently my mom (once again my grandmother) told me a story that really hit me hard. My grandmother feels horrible about it, and she says she needs to confess to a priest cause what she did she was so wrong, she was an accomplice of my real mother's wrong doing. My real mother didn't get along with her oldest brother's wife, who was my aunt. And she had no reason to, she was just jealous of her. My aunt had this pet bird they have given her as a gift, and from what my grandmother told me, she loved that bird. So my real mother had a plan to kill the bird. My grandmother objected to this cruel nonsense, but she couldn't stop her, as she would just lash at her and tell her mean things. She had my other uncle in on the act too, (she had him brainwashed for some reason)and including my biological father!! So all 3 of them spent about half an hour or so, trying to kill the bird. They tried choking it, then they attempted suffocating it in a plastic bag. My grandmother was crying when she was telling me this. I just pictured the torture that poor innocent bird went through, and burst into tears as well. How could she be so cruel, so heartless. Even thinking about what she did makes my tears water, it's just not right. And my grandmother couldn't do anything about it, when she had 3 people out numbering her. When the bird was found dead by my uncle, my aunts husband, he went up with his clean face and told my grandmother about what happened with it. All my grandmother could do is lie, and till this day she feels extremely guilty about it. She feels she has betrayed her son in a way. How could she tell him that both of his siblings convicted such wrong act on him and his wife? Sometimes I want to tell my uncle what really happened, even though this happened more than 10 yrs ago.
This isn't even the beginning of her selfish, wrong and cruel antics. She has done way more things wronger than this, and she continues, to this day. Thats why it's hard, to have compassion for her, she doesn't deserve it. I know she's the woman who gave me life, but I just can't, I'm sorry. My uncles tell me that they hope I don't turn out like her and I should keep living my life the way I am. And I will.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (14 March 2010):
I apologize if I have made you out to be bad. I have given you another view from another angle.
Things are not what they seemed to be to your young mind. Sometimes, what you see is not what you get.
Your mother's problem is your grandparent's problem. They picked up where your mom has failed. Your mom was a spoilt child according to what you wrote about her.She became uncontrollable and went from bad to worse.
Being a mother is a very stressful job and sometimes they lashed out at the innocent children .It is wrong but some mothers just don't know how to deal with their stress.
You are still very young and you do not understand the situation fully unless you went through those journeys.
You may think you know all about life but when you grow older, you will realize that your perceptions of life will not be the same when you are in your teens and when you are in your 20's,30's,40's,50's....
That is why , we do not judge our parents. Everything happens for a reason . Our job is to love them , understand them and be compassionate and kind towards them even if they are bad parents.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll add another thing, now that I haven taken this into more thought, I've realized that I don't hate my bilogical mother, I just really hate the way she is. I hope that's not the same as hating her, cause in the end, I could never admit to doing so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers, I really appreciate it. Now as for Laura1318, you make me seem like I'm the bad one, since I'm the one hating or close to hating her, I haven't admited to really "hating" her yet. I perfectly understand if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here.
But if it wasn't for my grandparents, I would lead a miserable life now, like my brothers do. My younger brother who is 14 feels neglected by her constantly, he even calls my mom (his grandmother) his mom as well, cause she is the one who has taken care of them. And as for my other brother, who is 5, he's too young to see who his mother really is.
She has hurt my mom(her real mother, my grandmother)in so many ways. She has constantly told her that she is a bad mother, that she picked her up from a dumpster. My grandmother is the most amazing person in the world, and cause of her I have learned to be a better person, she is an excellent mother. So why didn't my real mom turn out the way I did? All I can find is that when she was younger, her father (my grandfather) never disciplined her in any way. My uncles who are her brothers tell me that she would get away with everything, one time one of them even got kicked out just cause they made her cry! And it's been like that to this day.
Another time she came to our house, just to hit my brother (14) with some cables cause she blamed him for losing my other brother (5) shoes. Is that really a good enough reason to hit my brother like that?? My dad didn't say a word to her, when what he should of done is stand up to her and put an end to her crap. Also the shoes, never got lost, so my bother got a beating for no reason. I can't imagine how many times she would of hit me If I would of stayed with her, heck I don't even want to.
Yes I understand, she has been through alot, maybe she has some emoitonal scars, but instead of taking it out on her family and putting them through pain, she should get some help instead. I don't even know why she continued to keep having kids, if she couldn't take care if them. She has been divorced many times, me and the 2 of my siblings are all from different fathers, her life is just hectic. Please dont tell me not to judge her, she has given me more then enough reasons to do so.
I will try not to keep this anger, for I know that I might even turn out like her if I keep adding to it. And I do think that at some point in the future she will look back at what she has done and apologize, and that's when I will forgive her. Im sorry if the answer was too long, and I thank you for taking the time to read it. I'll take this sitation into further thought. Once again I really appreciate your answers, they were in some form a help to me.
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female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 Your original question was "I could care less for my biological Mom...is this wrong?" The answer in one word is NO. It sounds to me that this woman is more trouble than she is worth. Some people are like that. Just because she gave birth to you does not give her exclusive rights to interfere with your life.
Feel blessed that her parents were there to step in to be your parents. Don't give her or your bio dad another thought neither of them are worth fretting over. Focus on the positives in our life.
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male
reader, steelpicker +, writes (13 March 2010):
 hey,
one of my close friends has gone through almost exactly the same thing you described.
She is also 19, had a teenage mother, a father who disappeared and remarried, and was brought up by her grandparents (she was also neglected by her mother).
From what you tell me it sounds like you have been through the same emotions too.
If you feel the need to break contact, do so if possible. Do not feel resentment though, that will harm you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): so that would make your biological mum about 35 years old now, correct. I had a wonderful mum growing up and an awful absent father who had me when he was 29 - i'm in my 20's and he's in his 50's currently and he is only just now acting like the sort of parent i could have used growing up ... life and experience has changed and mmolded him and even though i tend to think 28 is a pretty mature age, he was still very young and stupid. He has developed a lot over the last couple of years and over relationship is alot better - not perfect but better. I would say not to cut your biological mum out of your life because it is possible she is just still young ans stupid too - takes some people longer to mature sadly. She may become your friend in later years and although i'm not saying try to be her best friend regardless of how she treats you, i would also say don't cut her out completely. Maybe have distances from her but still have the door open to her still - if that makes any sense. It may be easy now to cut her out as you do seem bitter about her and it may be healthier for you but in the long run, i wonder whether it would do more damage. You are young too - i would not make any rash decisions at this age regarding your biological mother - people change, not just her but you could too - think about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): I suppose you must see your grandparents as being solid stable role models etc .. 'present and accounted for' in your life in a reliable consistent way as it were. Whereas maybe you see their daughter/your biological mother as unreliable and feel unsafe with her. I think when growing up as children we instinctively stay drawn to those who meet our needs properly and make us feel ok (I read somewhere once that we always remember how people make us 'feel'). You are not obliged to feel love for anyone because love/fondness usually flows as a result of the other person behaving well towards us and gaining our respect and liking and confidence (in my experience).
However she is your blood relative, a close part of your family and it sounds as though she has her own issues. At least a sensible decision was made within the family and your grandparents have brought you up rather than adopting you out. Your mother maybe feels inadequate within herself .. I had two children young and brought the up alone and I think if I had had to give them to my parents I would have felt like I let them down in some way ..
I do feel some empathy for her as a human being. I don't know what the details of her issues are but maybe she would benefit from some counselling. Some families consider that they have a member who is just a 'bad egg' .. it could even be that your grandparents let her down in some way when she was young and they are making it up by bringing you up well having learnt from their own mistakes over the years if you see what I mean, or it could be that your mother just went off the rails somewhere despite their best efforts.
Have you ever considered family counselling for all of you?? Your mother must have feelings deep down about all of this. There is probably a lot more to this than we can read in a quick post. I'm sorry about your natural father .. it must have been hard for your mother and for you to know that he could be so cold and just carry on with his life regardless. Don't spend your energy hating the woman who ultimately brought you into the world. Spend your energies on making yourself happy and healthy and keeping good family links. If she is truly 'bad' she will show herself for who she is but if she is not all bad and actually struggling with pain and anger herself, all bottled up, maybe some counselling can help. I think this is something to talk to an expert about, a family expert. There is a book called 'home is where we start' by a writer called Winnicott & it's all about families and used a lot by family therapists and counsellors .. might be worth a look at. Maybe you just resent her for the way she behaves towards you and your grandparents ... but you are very young still and you might be struggling with your own bottled up feelings .. I'd say the resentment you feel towards her is quite natural .. maybe deep down you care for her but can't quite believe her behaviour 'the truth is rarely pure and never simple'.
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female
reader, natnatxxx +, writes (13 March 2010):
 Wow, this is a long question :D
It sounds to me like your mum did the right thing as a kid. Considering most teen pregnauncies are terminated, she went through with it and gave you to someone who could give you a better upbringing than she could because of her young age. However, it sounds to me like your hatred towards the her is probably caused from this abandoment. Of course it's going to be hard to make a relationship with her, but she was young. And it would of been hard for the both of you if you grew up in her care. Of course, i cant evaluate this situation properly as apprantley other things have taken place, however. She is your mum. And you only get one of her. She may not be the best person in your eyes. But you can't change that, someday you are going to have to accept it and put this hatred behind you.
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A
female
reader, Wobbles  +, writes (13 March 2010):
I was a teenage unmarried Mum like your biological Mum. I do not exactly what she has done to make you so angry at her. I do know that there can be alot of emotional trauma involved in having a child when you are a teenager. I am 48 and had my daughter when I was 17 and there are still things that happened to me because of my teenage pregnancy that I still cannot talk about. These things happened during the pregnancy, just afterward and for many years afterward. They caused alot of emotional trauma.
I used to scream in the middle of the night in my sleep because of the emotional damage. I had panic attacks. I had no self-esteem at all and eventually I became very angry. I saw a psychiatrist and lived on antidepressants for years. I used to 'doctor shop' to get the antidepressants because the doctors would not prescribe them for greater than 1 year.
I am over it now but this has only happened in the last 10 years. None of this, of course , was my daughter's fault.
What I am trying to say is that your Mother may have gone through something similar to me. She may be suffering a great deal through no fault of her own. Please try to understand and get her to seek help. It worked for me.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (13 March 2010):
You cannot change the fact that she is your biological mother even if you don't want to admit it.
Your mother may not measure up to your standards as compared to your grandparents or perfect in your eyes.
She may not be a good daughter to her parents in your eyes, but that is only your perceptions of her. She could be born with some mental or emotional disabilities or shortcomings.
She may not have given you the love,care or concern.She has failed in her duty as a mother.
But before you judge her,, understand her history and what she went through at the age of 16.
Can you seriously blame her for being unable to take care of you at that age ? What could she have done, abortion or adoption?
Subsequently that experience may have warped her outlook and turned her into what she is today. She could be suffering from some kind of emotional and psychological scars.She could be a victim of the circumstances.
It is very sad when you chastise your mom.Without her , there will be no you !
Have some compassion's ,kindness and understandings for her. Someday you will learn that being a mother is not an easy job.
You can only understand how a mother feels when you have children of your own.
We should not judge our parents. They may have brought us into this world and may have done their best.They have given their sacrifices which we do not see or feel.
If you are not a parent you won't feel it because all you think is only your needs and instant gratifications.
You don't give a thought about their sufferings and their labour to bring you into this world.
Right or wrong , they are still your parents. When they are no more, only will you regret that you did not try your best to be good and filial to them while they were still living.
If you still want to hate your mom, that is your prerogative.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (13 March 2010):
You cannot change the fact that she is your biological mother even if you don't want to admit it.
Your mother may not measure up to your standards as compared to your grandparents or perfect in your eyes..
She may not have given you the love,care or concern.She has failed in her duty as a mother.
But before you judge her,, understand her history and what she went through at the age of 16.
Can you seriously blame her for being unable to take care of you at that age ? What could she have done, abortion or adoption?
Subsequently that experience may have warped her outlook and turned her into what she is today. She could be suffering from some kind of emotional and psychological scars.She could be a victim of the circumstances.
It is very sad when you chastise your mom.Without her , there will be no you !
Have some compassion's ,kindness and understandings for her. Someday you will learn what it is like b
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (13 March 2010):
You cannot change the fact that she is your biological mother even if you don't want to admit it.
Your mother may not measure up to your standards as compared to your grandparents or perfect in your eyes..
She may not have given you the love,care or concern.She has failed in her duty as a mother.
But before you judge her,, understand her history and what she went through at the age of 16.
Can you seriously blame her for being unable to take care of you at that age ? What could she have done, abortion or adoption?
Subsequently that experience may have warped her outlook and turned her into what she is today. She could be suffering from some kind of emotional and psychological scars.She could be a victim of the circumstances.
It is very sad when you chastise your mom.Without her , there will be no you !
Have some compassion's ,kindness and understandings for her. Someday you will learn what it is like b
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): Can I say first, that I also hate my mother and brother.
I just do, they are very emotionally abusive people that always take their personal isues out on everyone around them.
When they both moved to the otherside of the country, I was and still am much happier. Is that ugly to say? Its the truth.
So Im afraid you are going to leave her behind, not everyone gets along with everyone, no matter what relation they are.
Are you wrong for hating her...yes, and so am I.
But its how we both feel and theres nothing that can change it is there?
I think that like me when she isnt in your life on a regular basis, you will start to hate her less, and even get along better.
So just accept that your path is different and let her get on with her life too. As for your father, i think you said enough
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): You have every reason to feel the way you do. Your parents are supposed to be there for you. And love you. And they have, for their own reasons, failed to do so.
I urge you, DO NOT let it turn you bitter. Life is way too short to hate or hold grudges. You need to make things right woth BOTH your biological parents. Even if they don't.
You don't have to be like them. You can take the moral high-ground and open up to THEM. Love THEM. Do no expect anything in return. The good man does not do things like this with the expectation of a return. He does it because its the RIGHT thing to do.
Besides you apparently have half brothers and sisters. Sharing YOUR blood. They deserve a brother. Not an angry, angsty teenager.
The only person you hurt by allowing yourself to be consumed by anger is yourself. If YOU want to feel better... then stop moping about it and end the chain of neglect and indifference and make the first steps to reconciliation and peace.
For yourself, if no one else.
Flynn 24
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): What dose your grandmother and grandfather think of this situation? your grandparents seem to be very good and kind peaple i would talk to them about your issues with your mother and also it sound like your mother might have some deep phsycological issues that she should seek help to take care of maby if she can fix her phsycological problems she will be able to relise her wrong doings and apolagize to you and when that happens you two can work on building your reationship back together sorry for my spelling
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male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (13 March 2010):
Your feelings toward your biological mother are completely understandable and probably justified as well. But your right as well, they are unhealthy. Bottling up feelings inside is a terrible way to deal with corrosive emotions like anger. They rot at you from the inside, destroying your compassion and capability to love ever so slightly. That's whats happened with your mother. The rage at her awful behavior has killed any compassion you can feel towards her.
If you walk a path towards forgiveness, you'll find yourself a richer more compassionate person for it. (Not that you aren't compassionate and loving now, don't get me wrong for an instant)
Forgive her for being a selfish little girl who would abandon her child. Pity her, she's a woman who's thrown away so much. Mourn the loss of your relationship with her. Just allow yourself to feel it all dear, it's okay. Don't let anything separate you from your emotions.
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