A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidMy son is 8 and lives with my ex-husband and his wife every second weekend. Last weekend, the wife had an argument with my son and my son lay face down on the couch. The wife told him to stay there until he had calmed down. He went to stand up, so she physically pushed her hands into his back and held him down for around ten seconds, and he struggled to breathe. He told me this, upset, as soon as they dropped him back home this Tuesday. I am very upset that someone else is treating my son in this way - what should I do?
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female
reader, yowie  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Tread very carefully.
He may be your son, but that doesnt make what he tells you infallible. Maybe he doesnt get on with the new wife? He is only there every 2nd weekend after all.
I would be having a quiet calm talk to his dad first - make sure you find out what the argument was about and if your sons behaviour was out of line. Then say that your son complained to you about being held down. At no stage should you come across as angry, aggressive or hyserical. Then when you have all the facts, you can work out acceptable discipline measures with the dad, and HE can relay them to the new wife - lets face it, if you tell her, it will get her back up no matter how nicely you do it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): get all of you together even the child and all talk and get this resolved if they disagree with this then you know they are in the wrong but you really need to nip this in the butt before it gets out of hand to many kids get hurt even killed from step parents even the own parent....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): tell your ex, and if he refuses to believe you, then set up a nanny-cam in their house and if it shows evidence of this confront them both with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): you should talk to your ex-husband first. How does he feel about his wife doing this to his son? does he even know about this?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (20 October 2011):
 that definitely sounds abusive. speak to your ex. see what his take on the incident is. speak to her as well and let her know that if there is any repeat you will be involving the cops.adults often think its ok to restrain kids and 'discipline' them by using force, but if one adult did something like that to another one they would likely find themselves on an assault charge! there should be no difference.keep a close eye on your sons behaviour too, if he seems to be afraid of visiting them, if his behaviour changes and he gets more clingy than usual or becomes badly behaved, nasty, violent to other kids, any bedwetting, ANYTHING out of the ordinary, do not ignore your instincts as it could mean there is stuff going on, even if he is afraid to tell you.that woman has got absolutely NO RIGHTS to lay a hand on your son, discipline should be down to his dad while he is there, obviously she is entitled to her say and to tell him off if he is naughty in her home but what she did is way over the top, and while it restrained him at the time, it does not even serve any purpose in improving his behaviourx
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A
male
reader, ScottishAndProud +, writes (19 October 2011):
 I think you need to have a serious word with your ex-husband. If he doesn't want to listen or cooperate then your only option is to get the police involved. Remember, this is child abuse.
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A
female
reader, Brookeee5617 +, writes (19 October 2011):
Well i am only a child but i would undertstand this because something like this has happend to me before i would say have a word with the lady warning her to never touch your son again or you will more than this also say i have phoned the police and informed them what she has done classed as abuse she shou,ld hopefully never ever ever do it again if she does phone the police immediatly then if thewy dont do anything deal with it physically ;') musch love hope i could help xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 So Very Confused is so very right here. Talk to both parents now.
Your child coud be lying, or he could be telling the truth but forgetting to mention his own behavior. In any case, his father should have intervened -and he didn't. So you need to know what there is to the story and whether Dad, so to speak, "sides" with stepmother. You need to have the whole picture.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Tell your ex-husband immediately you want to speak to his wife about the issue. Ask his wife if its the truth what your sun told you, if yes, then tell her "NEVER EVER do it again".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Talk to your-ex husband first. Get the other side of the story.
Also, you need to have a sit down with your ex-husband AND his wife about rules & punishment. All of you need to be on the same page with this.
No one should do that to a child. I would be very firm on that standpoint. And like others suggested I would look into the custody agreement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): I can not believe that your ex would allow his wife to treat your son in such a way,speak to your ex first before making any decisions
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 October 2011):
 I would calmly get his dad's and stepmom's input on this before jumping to conclusions.
IF the stepmom is inappropriate in her behaviors you should speak with them as adults... if you can't come to an agreement with them AND the child is in DANGER then perhaps legal intervention is necessary.
personally I think for the child, it's best if the adults can work it out... maybe the stepmom is new to parenting and is not aware of appropriate behavior..
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 October 2011):
Yes, speak to your ex immediately and have a look at any custodial agreement.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Speak to your ex - while the child is in his care he is responsible for him so if something like this is happening while he is supposedly caring for the child then he is responsible for her actions too.
She absolutely should not be allowed to do this to a child and your ex needs to be made aware of the incident if he isnt already.
Dont get too angry and shout at your ex, try and remain calm and talk about this in a sensible manner. But he needs to be made aware of the severity of the issue, and make it clear that if your son ever comes home and speaks of something like this again you will have no hesitations in speaking to the police and childcare authorities.
I dont know if you ever had an official custody agreement drawn up, but if you did it may be worth digging it out and taking a look, I'm pretty sure legally if something like this happens whilst the child is in his care then he could lose custody, so it would be a good idea to have a read through too remind your ex of what the outcome for him could be if something like this happens again.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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