A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I'm getting tempted by my ex and don't want to cheat on my bf, what should I do? My ex sends me racy FB and text messages, and has asked for/sent me pictures of himself in various stages of undress, telling me what he would do to me if we met up. More recently, he sent me some porn videos because he told me the actress reminds him of me and he touches himself and thinks of me when he watches it. It's kinda exciting, but i know it's wrong. He got married a few months back, but still contacts me. We were together 9 years ago for 2 years, I ended it and we haven't met in person since, but on and off, we've had these flirty contacts. I am getting increasingly tempted to either send him pics of me, or to meet up with him for one night, no strings. I know this is bad, but we did used to have great sex, and I guess this is what we are both missing in our current relationships. I've been dating a guy for a year, and our sex life has dwindled. I also found out he'd been sending racy messages to an ex-colleague and an ex-girlfriend 6 months ago. I hadn't responded to my ex for about 1 year prior to that, and I guess finding out what my bf had done motivated me to respond to me ex. My bf doesn't know about all of this. He knows that our sex life has dwindled, and that I am not too happy with it, but is not trying to change things (although I have been). He hasn't cheated on me, and I don't think he is sending racy messages to anyone (hasn't for the last 4 months, as far as I know). So, I guess what I'm wondering is whether a one night stand with my ex would be ok if our other halves didn't find out? Neither of us want more from it than great sex for one night. I know it is wrong to cheat, but I can't help thinking it might actually work for my ex and I to do this.....guys have mistresses sometimes, don't they? And they can have a successful marriage alongside it, can't they? I'm wondering if that's what my ex and I could try so that we are both sexually fulfilled, but also able to maintain our longterm relationships with our other halves?
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cheated on me, ex girlfriend, flirt, mistress, my ex, one night stand, porn, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eek  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 dont you feel bad that your allowing this to go on? He is married. Cut him off and tell him to sort himself out and to "love and honor" his wife like he promised to when he married her. How would you feel if you were his wife and this was going on behind your back?Cheating is never ok. If your not happy in your relationship then leave you partner before you start going after someone else.
A
male
reader, SonOfMan  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Seriously?
You know what you SHOULD be doing....It is hard to do the right thing....it does make you a better person when you do....we all think about "what if" but it doesn't mean we act on it and take it further...then do the right thing for yourself, if nobody else.
You'll be so much better off.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 You either care about hurting other people or you don't. You either have honor and integrity or you don't. We are a bunch of anonymous people on the internet who certainly cannot be expected to build your character for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): He is a married man and you made the mistake of inviting in the first email, contact.You also let in temptation.So time to block him in facebook, confess to your BF and confess to his wife.Why hide a darned thing if you both think this is okay to behave in such a manner?I say if you both want to text and play with fire- speed up the process but do it honestly, justly and see how it goes from there.Maybe the excitement of it all will be killed by the reality of it all.Stop being selfish, the both of you, and be accountable and faithful and start today to live honestly.You either decide if you want sex with the Ex, then you be fair to your partner and tell him. It obviously matters more to you, your lust and YOU, over the relationship with your Boyfriend so I say let him know your TRUE nature and let him decide if he will be okay and happy with being with the REAL you. He has the right to chose.ORYou grow the hell up and drop the EX and block him and rededicate to your BF.By the way, in my wisdom and my counsel, you will have to still tell your BF what was happening as it is still cheating and if it were you; you would want the truth over being lied to and betrayed behind your back.ACCOUNTABILITY- look it up.
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A
female
reader, Emily20  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 U know one thing about leaving your past behind,is for you to move on,if you were that satisfactory why did he not marry you,not let him decieve you into doing what you will regret,am a victim to same situation but you know what i did,i told my ex that i dont eat my vomit,no matter how sweet it taste,if what what i have now is not good enough for me,i will move on to something good and better,not going backward,never,just be yourself an you will find something good,just concentrate on what you gat going on,and make it better.goodluck
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 January 2012):
 You know deep down this is wrong, so why bother asking the question?
At the end of the day your ex is married so if he is sending racy messages to you behind his wife's back he is already cheating, so clearly he is just a cheat and a liar who is happy to hurt the woman he supposedly loves.
As for you - you are only thinking about this affair because your current relationship is on the rocks and you are looking to distract yourself from your problems rather than dealing with them.
How would you feel if your partner cheated on you? Would you be hurt? Or would you understand because your sex life has dwindled? I bet you would be hurt - so he is going to be hurt too if you do this to him.
And please, dont come back with the 'he will never find out' excuse - I can promise you this he will find out, one way or another. Whether it is the guilt that will eat you up so you blurt it out one day, or him becoming suspicious when your phone is buzzing late at night so one day he snoops....it will happen I promise.
Talk to your partner and resolve your problems. Dont cheat - that is not going to make the situation better, it will only make things worse. You will have destroyed a marriage, destroyed the trust in your own relationship, you will feel guilty...the list could go on and on.
What you need to address is the lack of sex in your current relationship. Cheating is not the answer - talking and resolving the problem is. If you have tried talking and he is not taking any action then you need to stress how serious this is, that you are considering leaving (dont say cheating, that wont help) because of this.
I had the same problem with my ex - our sex life dwindled and no matter how many times I told him I was unhappy he didnt do anything about it, he always said he thought our sex life was fine. It got so bad that I simply couldnt put up with it anymore so I left him (for other reasons as well but that was the main one). When I broke up with him he said he wished I had made more of a big deal about the lack of sex issue because he didnt realise how serious I was, he wished I had told him I was close to leaving because of it.
So perhaps your boyfriend doesnt see the severity of the situation, at the end of the day you are planning on cheating on him because it has gotten so bad - you need to sort this out NOW.
If he is still unwilling to change and make an effort, then you have to end the relationship - NOT CHEAT! If the lack of sex is making you unhappy, then surely you dont want to carry on like that forever, one night of dirty forbidden sex with an ex isnt going to satisfy you, you will want sex more than once surely?! So by avoiding your problems with your partner and having a one night stand you are not going to solve anything. Your partner needs to work on your problems with you, or you leave and find a new boyfriend who has a more compatible sex drive. Simple as that. Sex is an important part of the relationship and if you dont have sex with your partner the relationship will only deteriorate over time, you cant have a sexless relationship and rely on cheating to satisfy your needs, that just wont work.
So talk to your partner, work on your problems - or leave. And cut off contact with your ex, he is a married man and even if he wants to break his vows you shouldnt be part of that, marriage is sacred and shouldnt be taken lightly. You cant just have sex with anyone and everyone whenever you feel like it, marriage is for life - for better for worse, so he needs to be faithful like he vowed to be. Dont be the bit on the side, dont allow yourself to be used like that - even if he is a liar and a cheat it doesnt mean you have to be part of it. Let him find some other cheap woman who is willing to have sex with anyone with a pulse, you deserve more than that and hopefully your morals are better than that.
Dont allow yourself to do this - you know it is wrong, so be the bigger person here and do the right thing, cut off your ex once and for all and work on your relationship.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (24 January 2012):
 I can't even believe you're asking this. You really believe marriages "work" when there's a mistress? How did you feel when you learned your BF was cheating on you? You are perpetuating the cycle. Your have no respect for your ex's poor wife (& obviously neither does he). So sure, one night of meaningless sex won't hurt anybody. Except all the people out there who already struggle with the insecurity of being rejected for something shinier that comes along. And he says a porn star reminds him of you? That's charming. Hopefully one day you'll learn some self-control & how to truly love & respect others before it's too late.
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A
female
reader, SeriouslyStephanie +, writes (24 January 2012):
 The question is, could you live with the guilt if you slept with your ex? You say your boyfriend has never cheated on you, so why do it to him? I understand that you are unhappy with the lack of intimacy from your boyfriend and don't feel sexually fulfilled, however have you talked to your bopyfriend about this? Imagine how hurt your bopyfriend would be if he found out you had betrayed him in this way? Be careful hun, follow your heart but don't be tempted by lust, especially if you have a loyal boyfriend.
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