A
female
age
,
*lmost fifty
writes:We have been married 22 years, and have three children 20, 17, and 14. I have always wondered if he was the right choice, even before we got married. I was an alcoholic in recovery when we met (I'm still struggling), and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. We had kids pretty quickly, ands have been busy with them.He is the strong silent type, and I'm the outgoing one. I always am trying to get him to talk to me more, without much luck. We have tried therapy a few times over the years, and things seem to get a little better while we're going, but then they tend to fall apart after we stop.I am constantly daydreaming about moving out, but the kids are keeping me here. I could survive on my own (and with help could support the kids,) but he would be devastated. There is nothing outwardly wrong with our relation ship, other than he wants more sex (we have it once per week to keep him happy) than I do (I'd be fine with never). I find that the only time I don't hate it is when I've been drinking. There is no fighting, he takes me out, we vacation regularly, he works hard, and he fixes things around the house. One of my big complaints is his lack of affection for the kids (and me.) I am not happy, and I dream of not having to deal with him anymore. I guess I'm just not in love with him, and I think I'd be happier without him.I don't want to mess with the kids' lives, and wonder what would happen to them. My parent's got divorced when I was 15, and I still have a strained relationship with my father.
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (29 August 2009):
 I rarely ever agree with leaving a marriage unless its the absolute last option and I really don't think you're there yet... you sound like you are discouraged, depressed... emotionally empty? exhausted?I think you need a vacation alone something that is all about you and pamper yourself, relax and fill up (no alcohol or drugs). Then when you are recharged you can relook at your situation.It sounds like you are seeking more intimacy with your husband... emotional connection. It also sounds like your husband is also seeking intimacy...meaningful sex. This is excellent news for your marriage potential. Both are necessary essential components of a loving intimate marriage. Men tend to come in from the sex angle and if they cannot meet their sexual need they rarely can cross over to emotional connection. Women typically come in from the other angle and if they do not feel emotionally connected it is difficult to give sexual love.Us women when we are emotionally drained frequently can not see that for a man sex means love, intimacy and is empowering. When we are drained sex seems like just one more thing being taken from us. You are very courageous to be looking for change and growth, although I am against divorce... there are so many other options that I am very excited for you. If you can learn to step outside of yourself and see your own impact on the relationship you will have an amazing power to change your marriage to the one you desire.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (29 August 2009):
 It seems like you have an attentive husband. He takes you out, vacations with you, and it seems what you are upset about is intimacy.
One of the things you can do is address this directly with your husband. Tell him you need him to be affectionate and loving towards you and the children. I say NEED, not want.
Tell him how much this means to you.
Second, no personal relationship can exist without physical and emotional intimacy of some kind or another. He wants to have sex with you because he loves you. You're having sex with him to appease him. What's wrong with this picture?
This is not a good situation. It seems he is a good husband and father, but your chief complaint is that he's not affectionate enough with you or the kids.
Third, if you are drinking alcohol, it is one of the chief sources of your unhappiness. Even if you drink occasionally, the struggle itself is an enormous strain on your emotional stamina. I know.
I drank heavily for many years. I decided in 1993 that I would stop cold. It took a great deal of personal strength to stop. I didn't go to AA, but I put the bottle down and never picked it up again. This was a deep, personal and emotional commitment to make myself straight inside and to make myself into a better man.
When you stop drinking the first thing you notice are all those things that were right in front of you, and you didn't even know existed. Alcohol masks ordinary pleasures just as other drugs do. When you use alcohol as an escape, as an excuse, or as a crutch, then everything is artificial.
You need to stop drinking completely, now. Get help. Go to AA, and work on yourself. If you want your husband to be affectionate towards you, then he has to know that you appreciate his efforts. Make him take you to AA if necessary and sit there with you. He needs to hear what you have to say and you need to tell him.
The only way you can attract his attention is to reward his efforts with love, affection and intimacy. The more he feels he is appreciated, the more your sex life will become pleasant and desirable to you both. If he wants sex, tell him you need to be cuddled, and you want to see the kids being hugged and loved by him. When he does that, reward him in the most sincere and heartfelt way, rather than an obligatory roll in the hay.
The one thing I can say, having been a drinker in the past, is that alcohol does one other thing. It makes you self-absorbed, selfish, and causes you to ignore and marginalize the people who love you the most.
Once you get this out of the way, your perspective will change dramatically. You will appreciate your life, and you will realize how much you do love your family. You will also realize how much they love you.
Likewise, all of the other people in your life will have more meaning and significance to you.
But what I do not recommend, is just going off to a corner somewhere and drinking yourself to sleep every night.
When you do that, you're giving up on the people who love and care for you.
I could understand it if your husband ignored you, disrespected you, failed to listen to you and so forth. Those are reasons to leave. But to me it seems he wants you in his life, and so do your kids. So if you want to be happy in your marriage, then you have to get straight with yourself.
Find your heart, and look deep inside. No booze. Straight up sober. And then look around you and try to see all those things you've taken for granted or ignored entirely.
You are fortunate to have a family that loves you. You need to make yourself right, and then start opening your heart to all of them. You will feel the love, and I am certain your husband will be much more affectionate towards you and the children.
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A
female
reader, Sarah Love +, writes (29 August 2009):
Life is to short to be unhappy. So just be honest with him and tell him how you feel, and you want a divorce.
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (29 August 2009):
 As you say, you don't love him and you don't feel loved by him. As you have already tried counselling and it has not helped, it is time you thought about moving on. But in your case this really does need a lot of thought, because there are your children to consider. It is not just the trauma that might result from seeing their parents getting a divorce. This could be kept to a minimum if you and your husband handle the separation carefully, communicate your reasons to your children in an appropriate way and make sure that you both continue to see your children regularly. But this is the second issue to consider: Seeing your children regularly. Because it seems to me that YOU should be the one to see your children regularly, while they should actually live with their father. The reason is that you are an alcoholic. Not "an alcoholic in recovery", but an alcoholic plain and simple. You say yourself that you drink to be able to endure your husband. As for your worries about hurting your husband, yes, this will hurt him, but so will living in a loveless marriage with a partner who can only have sex with him when she is drunk.I'm sorry to be so blunt but I think as an alcoholic who has been through therapy, you know that bluntness is a good thing.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (29 August 2009):
 I think that you are lucky to have him and the flaws that you describe just sound like him being a regular guy!
I think you are whining and daydreaming about something that doesn't exist. The grass is always greener on the other side, but their isn't another side. Why? Because you take yourself with you. Everywhere you go, there you are. Instead of trying to fix him or leave him, concentrate on getting yourself together.
I am at a loss with how you can't seem to see that you probably have what a lot of people coming to this site are searching for - the love and support of a decent man. You get out of a marriage what you put into it, and your husband would be more affectionate and happier if YOU treated him like you were his girlfriend.
Get back into AA. If you are an alcoholic, you can't drink occasionally, period. Go through the rules and the steps.
THEN, try a little old fashioned advice and get this book...
http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&source=hp&q=the+proper+care+and+feeding+of+husbands&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=13342619709508533869&ei=zGKZSr-bL43cNs3JoZ8F&sa=X&oi=product_catalog_result&ct=result&resnum=5#ps-sellers
You need to take yourself into your own hands and make yourself happy. You are the only one who can, it doesn't come from anywhere else - Happiness Comes From Within.
And the first thing you should try to do is count your blessings. You have three lovely kids, a husband who has been willing to see you through your alcoholism and loves you unconditionally. He deserves to be with someone that loves him exactly the same way...
Sorry to be blunt, but you did ask for opinions, and I'm sure that you want a wide range of opinions if you came to the site. XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): I wonder - would he be as devastated as you imagine? Would he not be relieved to be free of you?Living with an alcoholic is no fun whatsoever - and believe me I know all about it. Maybe the only reason he hasn't left you is because he fears you'd drink yourself to death in his absence.If there's tension in the household the kids will be well aware of it and they might be glad to be free of it too.
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A
male
reader, Ifyoudontmind +, writes (29 August 2009):
Honestly, if its dead to you. There is no point in putting emotional strain on yourself and causing unneeded anxiety. Alcohol being a depressant, may very well alter your perspective. What is it that causes you to feel so unhappy. And would it hurt more to be with or without him. Your kids are old enough to now to know that your having marital problems. If you try to trudge through a relationship, your kids will be able to sense the tension as well as assume thats how relationships appear in context to their relations.Your not doing anything healthy by staying. -iydm
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