A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for over a year. Two months ago I found a sexually explicit text on his phone (I wasn't snooping, it displayed the text when I plugged his phone in the charger. You can bet I snooped after that, though). It was from a woman he's known longer than me but he had never once mention to me before this. In the texts, they were making plans to meet and have sex. He even suggested that she come over to our home because I was out of town (which was devastating). I just started to cry, I didn't know what else to do. My husband overheard me and I confronted him about it. He was upset and told me that he'd never touched her, that it was just a game of "sexual chicken" where they talk like that to each other, but never do anything. He blamed me for not making him feel wanted (which I don't understand, we have sex a few times a week at least and we're always affectionate to one another). To make it up to me, he said he'd do anything, and he promised never to do it again.Obviously he lied, because I am here now and desperate for advice. Now things are just as if I had never known he solicited another woman. I went to see my parents last weekend, and after I got home, I received a phone bill full of texts to that same woman. So when he was asleep, I looked at his phone and sure enough, he offered to buy her dinner and then take her to a hotel room for the night so they could be together. I haven't told him I know about this time. I am just so crushed. I don't know how long it's been going on, what it is exactly that IS going on, or even if she's the only one. I thought I could trust him, but now he's fooled me again. Has my whole marriage been a lie? I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Holliehocks  +, writes (10 August 2011):
I am so sorry that you are going through this turmoil. Like you, I am going through a similar situation myself, the difference only is that my husband has been texting a girl he met online and who lives a long way away, she is much younger than him too. When I first learned about what he was doing I confronted him, he was defensive and got angry at me, telling me that it was only a game, that it didn't mean anything, that she was just a friend etc., etc., He kept telling me that he loved me and didn't want to leave or end our marriage but this girl was his friend. I found texts from him to her saying that he loved and missed her, and these really hurt. I also found out that he was conversing with women in a sexual way over the internet but this didn't bother me so much for some reason, I guess because there didn't seem to be any emotional attachment, but there was with this girl. He, like your husband promised not to make contact, but also like your husband he did. Again the pain hit me, and I understand perfectly what you are going through. I don't want our marriage to end and I know how difficult it is when you love someone, but can we ever trust them again? Can we ever get over the pain and the betrayal? What do we do?
I am now constantly looking for indications that my husband is still contacting this girl and I'm watching his every move, checking up on him constantly and it makes me feel so sad that he has reduced me to this. I think both your husband and mine are two weak men. They are living in a fantasy where the other woman is giving them everything they need, but this isn't real life and the other women are also living a fantasy with our men. Would they be truly happy with our men? Would our men be truly happy with them? If they really thought they would be surely they would go and make a life with each other.
My husband avoided answering me when I asked him how he would feel if the tables were reversed. This proves that he doesn't want to face up to real life, real emotions etc. Some men are like that and its really hard to live with, don't you just wish they would grow up? Don't you just wish you could show them a snatch of life without you? What life would be like for them without you, without their understanding, caring, loving wife? They don't have to try with us, with the other women they would have to work so much harder at keeping up the pretence or the image of who they are trying to portray. I bet he never divulges to his 'piece' that he picks his nose or farts! That would be admitting that real life exists....and in their world it doesn't!
Please keep us updated and I wish you well in whatever you decide, only you can be sure of what to do next, you have to follow your own heart. Getting advice from people is helpful to sort things out in your own head to reach the best solution for yourself.
With love
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you so much, everyone, for your advice. It means a lot to me that you've taken the time to help me out.
I just want to clarify a couple things. First, no, we do not have children, so that (thankfully) is a non-issue. Secondly, I haven't confronted the woman because she already knows all about me (in fact, she helped him pick out the engagement ring he gave me which makes me feel ill).
After the first time it happened, he was very remorseful and I DID trust him again (but one does not innocently send 50+ texts to a woman you were previous caught flirting with while your wife is away). I think it's possible that I could trust him again, assuming he never slept with her. If he did, I would have to leave, because I couldn't live with him after that.
Divorce, where we live, takes an absurdly long time (5 years or more) to be finalized, regardless of infidelity or mutual agreement. I would rather spend that time and money on counseling, because it seems like the best course of action. I still love him despite this, and I don't want to leave him if he was only flirting with this woman. It was a breach of my trust, for sure, but I want to try to work it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): hun deep down u know what he is doing. u have confronted him and he still did not respect u enough to stop cheating.
iyou are a young woman and u need to prioritise yourself. cheating so early in a marriage is just an indication of what the state of your marriage will be in years to come. is this the way u want to live. being lied to all the time???
what about stds. he is having sex with someone else, does he use a condom???
time to tell your family what he has been doing and then have a good cry, pack your bags and DONT LOOK BACK.
Take back your life and your happiness. the man is bad news for your mental stability, he is emotionally cruel as well........
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 July 2011):
 I would like to reiterate what Eddie said. His disregard for you and your feelings may extend to disregard for your health as well. I'd go get checked out by your doctor ASAP. Then I'd schedule an appointment with a good divorce lawyer.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (29 July 2011):
 Please leave this man. He is totally disrespecting you by flirting so innappropriatly with this woman. It is deceitful and hurtful to you. He can't justify it by calling it a game. It is not fun for you and is not behaviour of a married man. It doesn't matter if he has actually cheated, he has already crossed the line, then after being caught out, he continues to cross the line with this woman.
This doesn't mean that your whole marriage is a lie. He may not be a complete liar, but sadly you have found out he is not the good man you thought he was. It is such a shame for you but please put it down to experience and move on with your life. As hard as it is, it will be harder to continue this relationship with a man you cannot ever truely trust again. Like others have said, there are decent, good men out there. Don't waste your life with a man who is not treating you right. I know it is very hard when you have loved this man and invested so much in your relationship. But you know now he is not the man you fell in love with and he does not have the same respect for you. He is a fool. Don't be one too sweetheart. Confide in your friends and family. They will love you and help you throught this.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): okay. i'm only 16 and obviously have never been married or in a super-longterm relationship but have you considered...
does this other woman even know that he's married? i would suggest calling or texting this girl on your cell phone and saying "look. i'm not trying to attack you. but you may not know that the guy youve been talking to is my husband. he's been lieing to me about talking to you and it's not right that he's lieing to me about you and lieing to you about me. please, i'm trying to make my family work. i'm sure your womanly instinct will tell you to do the right thing."
but if he keeps running around on you?.... my mom divorced two men who screwed her over like this. now, she's living on her own, focusing on her family and career. she's happy. you could be too! and there are better men out there who arent twats!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 I think its time to involve family now. This has clearly gone out of hand. You gave him a chance and he hasn't learnt from it. Its clear that he's sexually interested in this other woman and the hanky panky that's going on, will not cease unless he wants to put an end to it.
Tell him that you have the proof in the form of the phone bills and you have read the texts. If he still has the audacity of blaming you for snooping around, then tell him that as his wife, you have every right to know what's going on in his life, especially after he's let you down. If he doesnt want to be in the marriage, he can leave, but he cannot do this behind your back and then blame you for not making him feel wanted.
If you feel he really wants to change, then you can try couple's conselling. It CAN be very useful, provided he wants to use it and he genuinely wants to make the marriage work.
If not, then walk out of the marriage and throw him out of your life, rather than waiting to be pushed out of his. Seek legal advice on what are our options.
You have to be strong here. You cannot cry and mourn your fate, because if your husband is really that big a creep, he will manipulate you into doing and believing whatever he wants. He has already tried to make you feel inadequate once, dont be taken in again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): I would suggest going to couples counseling. What he did was very, very wrong and I am totally against him, but divorce isn't easy. Its not like he's your boyfriend and you flick the switch and you're broken up. Divorce is painful, long, expensive, and children might be involved. And after you're divorced, you're single again. Nothing wrong with being single, but theres something they don't tell you. They're is many smart, powerful, happy single women, but its not always easy. You get lonely. Sure, marriage doesn't mean its going to be a fairy tale everyday, but don't you want to get through the hard times with someone at your side rather then be alone? Couples have worked through much worse. Go, and if it doesn't help, get divorced. But don't you want to try to fix your marriage? What he did was wrong, but your whole marriage isn't a lie. He did something bad because porn doesn't get him going as much as this sick game does. But, he wouldn't be married if he didn't love you!Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (29 July 2011):
I'm surprised he didn't lock his phone or change the password after he knew you saw the texts the first time? Especially if he continued to do this after!
Makes me wonder if he wants out but is chicken and hoping you break up with him?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (29 July 2011):
 Sadly, this looks like it is a very tough and bad situation for you to be in.
I think you've found enough evidence to suggest he didn't keep his promise with you and that he is definitely playing with fire. Whether or not he has actually slept with her remains to be seen, but from this comments, it would appear that he has at least been inappropriate with this woman and at worst adulterous.
In the meantime, though, I think you need to start preparing for the worst, and that might mean seeking legal council. I'd also enlist your family and trusted friends so that you have moral and emotional support.
Optionally, you may want to try the marriage counseling routine, but I think you need to see how serious your husband is about correcting the problems that he has caused. If he is just going to lie to you again, than you are wasting time and money. Before you do that though, I think you need to confront him with the new evidence and judge his reaction. But whatever, you do, don't take his words, judge his actions if you decide to give it another try.
Once again, you have my sympathies, but hopefully you can plan for the worst without him knowing you are doing so. I'd also urge you to use protection if you choose to have sex with him again -- you never know what he has been up to.
Best wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): You need to divorce him immediately. You deserve so much better than someone like that. Once he's broke the trust, you'll never be able to fix it again.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (29 July 2011):
 So sorry this is going on.
My ex husband did this with me. Years later, I understand that my entire marriage was not a lie, but my husband was not honest. He also blamed me for his choices.
You need to let him know that your trust is broken, he did NOT keep his promises and obviously he was planning on cheating.
At this time, I would find a plan to seperate. (I did this and insisted on counseling single and couples if he wanted to mend the marriage. He didnt go, so I insisted he move out.)
Your trust is damaged and he may not ever accept or understand how much he hurt you. Now is the time for you to make choices for YOURSELF and your own peace regardless of what his are.
He is a chicken indeed!
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A
female
reader, justoverit +, writes (29 July 2011):
 I'm so sorry about your marriage, it sounds to me that your husband maybe seeing this woman. He told you that it was just a game of "sexual chicken" you expressed to him it hurt you and he goes behind your back and does it again. If it were just a game then he would be easy to just stop playing it, at least for the sake of your marriage. But you are married to him and you took vowels. I think you should approach him, see if he seems remorseful. If he does the two of you should talk to a professional and try to save your marriage.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 July 2011):
 how awful! you know what you need to do don't you? and i know it is probably the thing you don't want to do. sexual chicken seems like bullshit. i don't believe that he spends time texting this woman just to see how far they can push each other but that no sex will come of it. that would seem like a frustrating waste of time and phone credit to me so i you can bet there is more going on.
will you ever trust him again? will you ever be able to live with him comfortably without checking his phone and wondering what he is doing whenever he is out of your sight?
life doesn't have to be like this. i know you are going through hell right now. you are scared to dump him but if i were you i would be more scared at the thought of staying.
when accused he did the classic 'turning it around so its YOUR fault' (you don't give him enough attention/affection/sex /WHATEVER!) and it paid off coz you didn't kick his arse out onto the pavement (sidewalk?) there and then.
i hope you don't already have kids with this guy? if not, please don't. make your break now before things get more complicated with an accidental pregnancy.
best wishes, i am really sorry this has happened to you
x
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A
female
reader, Celest  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 :-( I am extremely sorry about your situation! I know that you cannot trust him anymore and I would have done the same... propably he will lie again...lets say that it is not real cheating and is just a mind game... he's fantasising about other women... it's a kind of addiction you know... do you like his mind after all??? Do you thing that can you continue sleeping with a man that he fancies somebody else... can you leave with a man that you dont trust anymore? I am afraid that you will be hurted again...I dont know about your marriage in general.. you see some couples despite of the "cheating" they still can have good reasons to save their marriage... do you think that can you find enough reasons for that?? And by the way do you have any children...?? Not because you should stay in a wrong marriage for your children... nevertheless when there's no children is a little bit easier to move on! All my best to you my dear!!!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 He is a liar, and it would seem he is also incapable of sticking to his marriage vows.
You need to decide if this marriage is good enough for you or if you want something different. He has already lied twice, are you going to make it three strikes and he is out?
I found the best thing to do was to put pen to paper, list all the good reasons to stay married, and all the reasons to not stay. If you share assets put as much as you can where he cant get them, and then make a decision of kicking him out or not. You take charge, seek professional advise first if you can. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, goalstopper +, writes (29 July 2011):
Confront him and then divorce him and NEVER EVER accept him back. He ruined his chances with you twice. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): Divorce him. I don't know that the whole marriage has been a lie from the start, but there is nothing worth salvaging now. You'll get over this. Really you will and you'll be a wiser, stronger person for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Leave him.
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