A
male
age
36-40,
*arm
writes:My ex and I still talk frequently (almost every day, or more). How do I steal her back from her rebound boyfriend?
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (14 December 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the prior 2 responders:
I consider every bit of advice, I weigh my options, and I pick and choose whatever seems most applicable--that's the whole point of an advice website. Why else would one person be interested in the advice of multiple strangers?
Regardless, I have broken up with her. I told her she wasn't to be trusted because she can't stop lying and that I felt I could do better in terms of reliance and stability in a partner. She swore this and that would change, and she'd try harder, blah, blah, blah and kept crying, then when she stopped, I left.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 December 2009):
Seriously...no confronting. Dump her already. Everyone has already told you MANY times to let this one go and you're not. You said you would never talk to her again if she screwed up, and it looks like she's screwed up about 3 times since then and you're still talking to her. I think you should let everyone know when you're done with her for good, because it's getting to be a bit ridiculous I'm sorry to say.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (14 December 2009):
 Aww- please just run, run away! I don't even think you need to confront her. What good is it going to do? She's consistently messing you about. Just get the heck out of there.
I don't see why everyone is so fond of playing games in their relationships though? Not yourself, Garm, but the last two anonymous posters. In Garm's situation- he is being straight up with this girl. He has been honest about how he feels and about wanting to make things work between them. She, however, is messing him about time and time again, won't tell him where he stands at all, and is seeing another man and lying about it. So he should leave; simple as that. He deserves some respect and he isn't going to get any from her.
But he hasn't done anything wrong for trying. What good would it have done if he'd have played games? Of course not go over the top, but what's the benefit in anyone being so calculated? All that would have achieved is that he always would have wondered if they might have had a solid relationship otherwise. As things stand, at least he knows what she is really like- when she comfortable to act how she chooses; and knows that he should leave and not contact her again.
To be honest, Garm, I wouldn't even return contact if she comes running after you. Ideally just drop a short civil message to her so that she knows the situation. You just don't need this anymore- she's shown her true colours!
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (14 December 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLooks like I caught her at the other guy's again (after she lied to me about staying at her parents' tonight)...
How do I confront her, and what do I say?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): She had you by your jingle bells dude.Then let go.It may be too late if she dumped you, cheated then she is toast.
I agree with the guy about playing hard to get.Show interest but don't overdo it.Women are constantly testing us to see if we are the prize.It's no surprise when ladies don't like it when we finally figure them out.If you don't believe me check neil strauss book "the game" and mystery method.Women can be putty in your hands when you regain your manly power.
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (14 December 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, she finally came around and we had a serious talk. Turns out she spent nights at the guy she cheated on me with because she was snowed into work (blizzard)...hmmmm. She suddenly seems much more willing to be affectionate and to try to communicate and work things out--probably because she's on the brink of losing me. Maybe she's just being manipulative. I want to work things out, but now I can't even tell when she's being honest, and this seems to be a terrible complication. And I called her this morning: still no response.Maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion at this point. Maybe things are getting back to normal. After all this could I ever really tell? With these sorts of trust issues it's easy for me to invent problems (guilty until proven innocent). Who knows
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (13 December 2009):
Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that things turned so sour. I agree with you wholeheartedly- she's made herself perfectly clear. Get far away from her and don't look back!
However, I disagree with all these game playing ideas that the most recent poster suggested. If you have to play games with someone to make a relationship work, then it's really not working at all! Just be open and honest and keep well clear of the game players. There's no benefit in anyone wasting their time in relationships based upon a charade of mind games and constantly playing hard to get.
I hope that the next lady you meet is real and down to earth- and makes you happy!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): The words you use show that you see her as the prize to steal back. Guess what that's why she left. Remember tell yourself over and over "I AM THE PRIZE" get it through your head.You are infected with a common case of oneitis.There is only one girl for me in a world with 30 billion people.Women are attracted to strong independent men of high status.If you want to raise your status be seen with other women,take charge of your life and have a lot of fun.Mentally block her out.If you have to think about her think about her negative attributes.This is to gain back your power of attractiveness.Some call it inner game.Do not call her.Do not talk to your friends or her friends to find out about her.Yes this is going to be difficult it will hurt like breaking a strong addiction.This is your big test to see if you really are the man.Play it cool dude and reap the benefits.
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (11 December 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, she wanted to get back together (as I said before) but wouldnt kiss me, then one night she came over and wanted sex. I told her I only have sex if I am in a serious relationship because I'm not a skeez. she agreed we were, we kissed, etc. That was 10 days ago. Since then she has avoided me, called once to make plans (which she stood me up--without a call)and not returned my phone calls ever since. I waited a few days without calling then I just called today (we had a bad blizzard here the past few days, so you never know). I am done with it. As if I am to put up with such obvious and even belittling neglect?
I hope she never calls so I don't have to put her in her place.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (8 December 2009):
Kudos to you, male anonymous. It's hard to hold your own after so long growing dependent upon your other's love. Especially as they start to take it for granted that you will always be there wanting them.
You're leading a brave route which displays self-respect and also demands the respect of others.
I'm even tempted to quote 'you gotta be your own man, it's like a James Brown thing!' ...up until to the point at which she gives as much as she receives of course! -after that you can lean on, trust and support each other to a comfortable equalibrium and balance!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): OK, listen up. I am in the perfect spot to give you advice here because I am going through the exact same thing!!! After two and a half years of a very close, often tense but also magical relationship, my girlfriend dumped me. She was having a very stressful weekend (her life in general was stressful at the time, it happens) and I took her out on a Monday night to have a good time and let her get rid of some tension, but for three hours she complained about everything in her life and ruined the night. Two days later she dumped me because I couldn't cheer her up and our "energy" was off. Three days after that she was seeing someone new. Particularly difficult for me since I really really love her, was NOT over her yet (duh), and she lives a block away from me and I was basically forced to see it all unfold. I cut all contact and while on a date with another woman, ran into them at a concert, she was clearly jealous. I emailed her that we should drop all contact, and FINALLY she replied. Still, I played cool and left her alone. Three weeks later I de friended her on Facebook in order to gain some distance and then left for a week vacation. While on vacation I got an email from her about the Facebook issue and she admitted that she had been reading my email (she may not want to admit it, but clearly she has strong attachments still. The day I got back she called me and we went out for a quick beer, during that time she admitted she thinks about me all the time and towards the end of the meeting she was touching me and things were starting to get physical, that's when I left.
So, during that meeting, she also said that she had broke up with that guy and although he was a good companion, there really wasn't anything there. I told her that she should take some time for herself and really think about what she wants, would leave her alone. Two nights later, I see his car over there again.
Should I want her back? NO! Do I want her back? YES! This is where we are in the same spot. No matter what she does there will be NO CONTACT!!! Whatsoever!!!! I will be moving on.
Garm, you and I are good guys that are being used for insecure people's emotional vacuum cleaner problems! The only way that we are getting back together with these women is if we let them know we won't tolerate this BS! Have some dignity and self respect man! Unfortunately, it's not something you can tell them. As much as it may not seem this way, silence is golden. Don't give her the time of day until she makes a grand gesture and says "I made a huge mistake and I want you back!!!" This has to happen in person and with utmost sincerity. Believe me, it will be tough to wait, but oddly, you are likely to move on right before this occurs, that's just the way it works.
Easier said than done, but you are not alone!
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (26 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCarebear,It's tough to say if she's ended things with him entirely; She works with him. When I was at her place last I did notice that she had taken some of her posessions back from his apartment. She probably still talks to him at the very least. I don't feel like spying, and I want to trust her. Frankly, I believe she has more to lose if this goes badly than I do (at this point), so....I don't know if she's making a "serious go." It seems we've both decided to be "working towards fixing things" and "exclusive" with one another. She calls me plenty. Strangely she seems more passive than she used to be. It used to be that she'd reach out to hold my hand, or if I held hers she'd squeeze it. Now I do the reacing, and then it's (with her hand) limp hand central with maybe a little squeeze now and then. she does lay against me if we watch movies. I can't figure it out. I think she's still a bit worried things are going to go sour. I will try to show her they won't, but I wouldn't mind some response either.Does "he" know she's doing this? I have no idea. She claims he knows that they broke up because, as she put it to him, "things were getting too complicated," and she tells me she unloaded that her and I have been talking and seeing one another (which she kept from him for some time). If he were remotely intelligent he should be able to put it together. If you ask me, he should have seen it coming from the moment he tried to get between her and I (when we first started having problems)--it takes a certain type of stupid to haphazardly throw oneself, like a wrench, into someone else's 4 and a half year relationship--something bigger than him.I will keep you updated if anything changes or gets "funny"...
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (26 November 2009):
So- has she completely ended things with the ex? Is she officially making a go of things with you? -And does the other chap know that she is making a go of things with you?
I hope it works out for you. I know what you mean about losing interest in her- even at this distance she seems to have made so many complications and tried to push you away more than tried to love you. The whole situation sounds like it’s been more tiresome than it has been enjoyable!
Don’t go blaming any of this on women universally though- I want no part in it! Playing games with your partner and keeping him/ her dangling at arm’s length is petty and small. We don’t all want the tiresome complications that she does!
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (26 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went out to help her replace a burned out headlight last night. I told her that for my sake we needed to just stop talking to one another if things were going to be as they have been. No calls. No contact, period. I Have enough stress as it is and I can't take any more. She wanted to know what she needed to do to reverse my choice. I said, as I had said before, she needs to stop talking to the other guy: no quality time, no sleeping at his place, no anything. I told her there was no justifiable reason to ever talk to an ex unless one wants to at least entertain the notion of getting back together, which either he or she would certainly be doing--which I would not tolerate. I also told her we needed to be working on fixing our relationship because she's moving in 6 months, and the longer she "needs time" to figure things out, the less time there is to repair what needs to be. She understood. We spent long time together, had fun, talked a bunch, but she wouldn't let me kiss her.
I think I may have resolved it, maybe not, but I don't really care anymore. Funny how as soon as I don't care, she does. Women...
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (23 November 2009):
Honestly, I think maybe she's just found out that, temporarily at least; she can get away with two boyfriends, AND have all the power and attention. And I suspect that's she's exploiting this for all its worth.
Generally hunches that people aren't to be trusted can be pretty reliable. I think that your suggestion is a wise one. If you suggest just being friends you can see her reaction. All reactions thus far suggest that she really isn't that bothered. Or at least that she holds all the cards and is enjoying the power too much to treat you as someone that she loves.
If she really isn’t in this for the enjoyment, and genuinely doesn’t know what to do, I think her backing off is actually as much as a decision as either of you need. You don’t walk away from someone you love in favour of someone else; not without a great deal of heartbreak, and NOT when they’ve been trying so hard and when you’ve just told them that you want to get back together.
I think that you are right to take a step back, be friends for now and regain control over your life and your self-esteem. My respect goes out to you for this as I know it’s difficult to take a step back from someone you love and who has such a hold over you.
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (23 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI loved the woman and spent every day with her for 4 years. How has she changed from an honest woman into a dishonest indecisive one? I am so confused.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (23 November 2009):
 You are catching on my boy!!!
You yourself said it best.
"Frankly, I'm kind of starting to see that maybe she can't be trusted. She snuck around behind my back--she snuck around behind his back--why wouldn't she sneak around again?"
If you are the lucky guy or not isn't the point at all. She plays with men and you are just a toy right now.
Stick around here and stay away from her. Stop playing into any more of her tactics. She may try to pour some honey in your ear and you WILL be tempted but walk away. Its time to cut this one off brother.
STAY STRONG!!
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (23 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrankly, I'm kind of starting to see that maybe she can't be trusted. She snuck around behind my back--she snuck around behind his back--why wouldn't she sneak around again? I can hardly believe her when she says she's not seeing him anymore because she has lied so many times already. It doesn't help that some nights she doesn't answer her phone when I call and doesn't call me back. I think I'm going to tell her we should try being just friends (to see if she goes back to him), this way if she really wants me she can put the effort in and do the chasing before I'm out of reach--that would be some ACTUAL verification, one way or another, at least.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (22 November 2009):
Well... you've done everything right. But ...I just don't feel that she's living up to expectations. This should be the second 'honeymoon' period for your relationship... has she even broken things off with the rebound guy at all? -If she hasn't- run!
Either way, she's making very little effort from the sounds of things. Don't jump too quick as everyone can have a bad w/end, but if she's not making any effort to make things work over the next week or so; well- I'm starting to wonder if she's worth your efforts.
You shouldn't have to have words with her every time you want to see her. You've done so this time; and rightly so. But if she continues to give you the brush off, I wouldn't beg her to stay.
You deserve better than this.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (22 November 2009):
Basic truth:
She is in control of this situation and you are an emotional mess.
You are searching desperately for love and reason and truth and it doesn't appear to be anywhere on the current horizon.
If she is, or is not worth what you have to give, do not change what you do with YOU.
SHIT brother! If you fall short of living by these standards welcome to the club!
We do the best we can. This basic truth is what has shown proven results with the men I know. Some brothers have found love and it comes in many forms but what is consistent is that worthy women stop playing games when they know that the real thing is right there staring them in the face.
Some women lose good men and some women lose good men. Be a good man by conduct and live proud even if this lassie cant see it.
PREVAIL!
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (21 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, she tried to dick me around yesterday when we were supposed to hang out at 2. I didn't care too much though because I had plenty of domestic chores to do, and I know it's her only day off from her tiring manual labor job. She called every couple of hours with another excuse--needs a nap, dinner with parents, needs to run to work for something (at 7), but she'd be be over ASAP afterward. 2 hours passed by the time 9:00 rolled around she called to tell me she "was tired" and was calling it a night. Obviously, I realized she was going home with the rebound guy from her work.. I told her I would absolutely not tolerate it; if she wanted to try and work things out she needs to be sensitive to me as well. I said "him or me" period and "we're not talking any more if you go with him." I put my foot down. I showed integrity the best I could. after half an hour she called and said she was coming over. We had a great night after that, but now I know I'm always going to have to be sweating over keeping her away from the other guy. Should I talk to her about this? What should I say so it doesn't sound commanding and insensitive? I don't want to be "controlling" because that was one of her complaints about me before.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (20 November 2009):
Dammit Garm! SLAP!!!
You gotta stop pining away by the dam phone!
Go do something productive, something you can take pride in.
You are wasting your life right now dude!
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (20 November 2009):
I agree- she could at least contact you to keep you informed what's going on. -Even if it's just a quick text just to let you know that she's okay, or that she will contact you soon or whatever.
As much as I agree with what Duce00 is saying, it must be impossibly hard to step back until you know what's going on. -has she ducked out? -has the break up just been really upsetting? –Either for him, or them both -is she just stalling? -has she completely changed her mind?
I'd be inclined to march round to see her and find out exactly where you stand!
If she's still stalling or won't give you a straight answer- which any more refusing to contact you/ return your calls would amount to the same as; then do exactly like Duce00 suggested- walk away, find your own self esteem and move on! She has you hanging on puppet strings!
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (20 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStill no reply. I don't understand why she's ignoring me. She could at least call to reassure me or tell me she's changed her mind. . .
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (20 November 2009):
I will take a different tact:
You are in love with her but you are still in the process of figuring out who she really is. Your emotions are clouding your judgment and that is a bad combo.
How do you think I figured that one out? Was it a book? Was it oodles of great advice? Was it my horoscope?
NO! I confused a woman as being my ideal doing exactly what you are doing.
This is why I am telling you to stop trying AT ALL.
You are not in your right mind to hold up your end of a relationship because you are not thinking clearly. She is sitting between two men and deriving emotional energy from both of you.
Back away...clear your mind...define your self and what you want without here as the objective.
You cant go nearly as wrong by doing this as you would on your present course.
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (19 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDay: No calls and she does not call me back. . .
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (19 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's been avoiding my phone calls all day. She normally calls at least once. She has been at work though--with her rebound. Let's see how this pans out. Maybe she's breaking up with him. Maybe she's not. Maybe it's not as easy as I wish. this could get interesting. I will keep you updated.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (18 November 2009):
Yep- firmly agreed. It's one thing to 'agree' to break up with him, quite another to Actually do so. You've got to hold her to her word for this whole stand to have been worth anything at all.
But even if there's a merry-go-round or too whilst she tries to stall, so long at you stand firm it sounds like you have your answer.
And an ace answer at that! (Albeit it that 'pretty sure' isn't quite the whistles and bells answer that you'd hope for, we knew that she was hesitant to commit, and this IS despite the issues in the past, after all). So fingers crossed...!
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (18 November 2009):
I think you should quit talking to her now because you know she's going to flip flop. Being "pretty sure" is the same as not being sure. You wouldn't have asked if you did't think she was going to. Give it time, you know she probably will. Anyhow, I know you're going to go for it anyway, so if/when she does flip flop, yes, never talk to her again.
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (18 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I put her to the decision: told her I didn't think it was right for me and her to talk the way we've been since she's got a boyfriend. She told me she was "pretty sure" she wanted to be with me, was going to break up with him, etc. She wanted to know how sure I was that things could work out. I told her I was sure. We worked out the details, I think.
I'm a bit worried that when she tries to break up with the rebound she's going to give in to him. If she flip-flops I'm never talking to her again. Agreed?
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A
female
reader, wiccanrain +, writes (17 November 2009):
 well the people on here seem to be giving u pretty much the same advice as me but i'd still like to help if i can :)
first off, there are a FEW relationships that survive long distance, but it takes a lot of work, commitment and trust. at the moment it still seems like she has trouble trusting you and since you move away soon, most likely you two will grow apart...you're already treading on a fine line, trying to have a relationship while ur off at grad school will makes things a hundred times harder, and i say that from personal experience. i'm not saying to give up hope, but trying to rush back into a relationship, especially one that doesn't have the advantage of closeness is more than likely to end up in a lot of pain
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (16 November 2009):
Garm,
I don't mean to butt-in here. But you shouldn't be trying to manipulate her into wanting her back. The best thing you can do is do what makes YOU happy--you're revolving your actions too much on how you can manipulate her into wanting you back. You can't let it work that way. You should just move on with your life because regardless if it makes her jealous or wants you back, it's what's best for YOU. Focus on you, for real. This may or may not spark her interst again, but don't wait around for her because you may never have her back! You've told her you want her back already, ball's in her court and she'll either drop the new guy or go back to you.
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (16 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionduce00,
Does your response equate to "be a distant friend of hers so she can watch you move on and subsequently go crazy"? Sound argument--but I want to know how to make her want me back. I think you may be on to something though--would you care to elaborate?
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (16 November 2009):
I would change your approach to how you draw the lines in the sand on this one.
Stop making anything about her and ultimatums. To put it bluntly it is weak, and it continues to put her in the drivers seat because you are still making your choices based on a desired response from her (its rather obvious).
You are on your own way now. You make the decisions about who, what, and why you spend your time and energy with. As part of your redefining of your self you are making better decisions about the kind of women you want to be with. Women who are more concerned with being the object of attention than loyalty to the man she is with is not what you choose to invest yourself in. You are doing this because it is the way a man of integrity lives his life not the needy little boy you once were.
NEVER give up your balls to a woman like you have obviously done with her. You get no respect from her and you cant even respect yourself at the end of the day. Women don't really want you to do this either. They respect integrity even if it comes in the for of NO.
I was tough on you here, I know, but anybody can blow smoke up your ass...its your brothers that will plant their foot up there instead because they want you to be a better man.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (16 November 2009):
Yeah, I think that the gist of this is exactly what you need. Although ultimatums have always seemed to me as though they shouldn't be necessary if the other person genuinely has the conviction towards the answer that you're hoping for.
What I mean is; you shouldn't have to ask her to leave someone else if she loves you, and if theirs’ is a rebound relationship- she would just do that anyway!
However, the essence is the same. Lay your cards on the table. Be sure she knows that you love her, and that you will not play second fiddle whilst she continues in another relationship. The rest is really in her hands, rather than for you to ask. But be sure that she understands that, if she were single, you want to be with her more than anything, and that you will be staying on your medication to ensure that you maintain balanced relationships in the future- either with her or with anyone else.
I hope you get the positive answers from her that you deserve!
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (15 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst, thanks for the advice--everyone--this forum is incredibly helpful.
Next time I speak with her I am going to put her to a choice. I am going to tell her I love her and that I want to be with her, but since she has a boyfriend it hurts to much to see her right now. I will tell her that I will not see her until she is not longer with him. Maybe I should even quit speaking to her.
Is this right? Should I phrase it differently? Maybe I should make it about her and I, not her and him?
What do you think?
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (15 November 2009):
Thank you for the follow up. My advice still stands though, and perhaps even more so than before. It sounds to me like you're letting her play you.
You’re seeing her every day, to the extent you’re probably treating her like a girlfriend in every way but for the physical relationship you enjoyed with her before, and which she’s even talking to you about. As you know- that is wrong of her. That is cheating her current boyfriend, and stringing you along to what might be. But which currently isn’t.
I’m afraid she’s absolutely having her cake and eating it too between the pair of you. Whilst she’s still getting every bit of the emotional side of your relationship, I think she has little incentive to make any decision to commit to you.
Personally I think you should explain to her that you refuse to be her emotional bit on the side. Whether she needs more time before committing or starting again with you or not, this does not justify her stringing a spare guy along in the meantime. I think you should tell her that you CANNOT be like this with her whilst she’s seeing someone else. After all, if things do work out between you two in the long run, what’s to stop her doing the same to you? Don’t compromise your self-respect for this girl; and especially not if you would like a strong and committed relationship with her in the long term.
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (15 November 2009):
Honest moment here...mental issues aside. Tread lightly brother.
Everybody has their challenges, some are lucky enough to have a medical explanation, but most are just the walking wounded trying to find peace in this chaotic world.
Don't get me wrong, I am the captain of the SS Optimism and I have volunteered to go down with that ship many times but I keep bubbling back to the surface for some dammed reason. Call it harsh reality for lack of a better term.
Your bio-chemical challenges and her desire to fill an emotional void are not the whole story here. You really are dealing with the same old stuff that a lot of other so-called "normal" people have to contend with all the time.
My single piece of advice that has stood the test of actual experience is to get right with YOU. "she" will always fail to meet the emotional and psychological needs you are really looking for. "he" (meaning you) will always prove to be another example of the failures of all the men before, most notably "daddy".
You are not crippled and you can take control of the quality of the relationships with women that you choose to be with.
Be strong and call on your brothers here when you are in doubt.
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (14 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have dinner together last night and spent the whole day together. We had lunch together the previous day. Today we had lunch together also. I'm seeing her quite a bit, and she calls frequently (every day or more). When we are together it is usually a mix of super-fun times, awkward, yet fun times (like when i tickle her or hold her hand, or sit very close on the sofa), but she doesn't stop me unless I joke about kissing her. We have excellent conversations most of the time, but sometimes they become bogged down with the "what went wrong" & "what I think you need to do" (coming from both ends), and the "I don't trust the Lithium, what if you go whacko?" sort of stuff that always leads to frustration. We often share memories of silly things we've done together in the past, and of our bizarre sort-of carefree sexual escapades all about her house and mine (fun sexy memories). I try to get her talking and just listen attentively because I get the sense that her new boyfriend doesn't listen so much/well--she seems to appreciate being listened to by me.
It has come to a point where I believe she needs to tell her boyfriend that she's been sneaking around behind his back with me--it's been going on for weeks, and now, with greater frequency. She will not tell him. If he could hear the things this girl's been saying to me, about us, love, romance in general, it would destroy their relationship (don't worry, i wouldn't do that).
Should I insist she tell him? Or should I let her sneak around behind his back?
Should i be less or more forceful in holding her hand, tickling her, etc. (she does laugh. . .)? Should I try to kiss her?
How should I be acting? What is appropriate?
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (12 November 2009):
Ooo- how exciting!
You're doing and saying exactly the right things. You're absolutely right not to persue her or to put your life on hold whilst she's still seeing her 'rebound'. Its unfair on both of you and she's messing both of you about (substantially!) in thinking she has some right to a spare boyfriend to give her back up security in case it doesn't work out with the other!
The ball's in her court. Stand firm and I hope she makes the jump to get back with you. But keep living your life in the meantime, and don't let her play games with you.
Its critical that you stay on your medication; especially for yourself and also for the best chance of building strong and stable relationships- be it with her or with anyone.
Keep respecting yourself just as you are doing- and best of luck! -Do keep us posted! :-)
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (12 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I gave her a few days of no call/ no contact. She called me crying last night because she "wants to be with me," but she's "scared, and doesn't trust it." She also said if I loved her as much as I said I did I'd have waited for her longer (because I've been going on dates), and it hurts her because she needs time. So is she asking me to wait for her. I told her it was messed up that she wants me to wait for her and pursue her while she has a boyfriend.
Today we went and got lunch. I told her she needs to drop her boyfriend and give me another chance because she's moving away to grad school in half a year, and if she even wants a chance for things to work out and for us to have a future together we need as much time as possible to repair our relationship and get over this immense hurdle. She said she was scared, and started talking about her current boyfriend and how she doesn't want to ruin her relationship with him just to have me go "psycho" again. I told her he was irrelevant, that this was about us, and that with the greatest risks come the greatest rewards. She told me he thinks about getting back together constantly, and I told her that was unfair to her current boyfriend. She told me I make her feel more special than anyone else can. What's next?
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (11 November 2009):
Okay- well; you've done it- you've dared to try. You've told her how you feel and you've asked her if she'd try again with you. Frustration over; regardless of the outcome, at least you know that you've carried out your part as best as you could have.
I'm sorry that she is not prepared to try again- at least for now. But that is her decision which you should respect, and unfortunately for now I think you would be best to move on with you're life. There's NO reason to fall out with her over this. Stay on good terms, since there's always a chance that she may change her mind in the future. But don't let her play you in the meantime, and don't get involved with petty games or jealousy. Move on with your life and find positive relationships.
You've laid great foundations by getting back on your medication and finding balance. Now go reap the benefits! You don't need anyone in your life that is being dishonest or playing games.
I wish you all the best!
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (11 November 2009):
Sorry bro but my BS meter is going in high gear with all this. Unless you feel that you your life is lacking in drama and heartbreak...
GET OUT!!
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (11 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried to give it time--months even, but it seems these months just allowed her new relationship to become more serious. It seems she wants to be with this other guy but still wants me to chase her. She lies to this guy about talking to and hanging out with me. Why? I told her to tell him because she's acting untrustworthy. She doesn't get it.
Also, She was upset the other day that another woman is interested in me, and she asked if I thought the other girl was prettier--what a loaded question at this point. She has a boyfriend--she should just care about his opinions now, right?
Also, Whenever I ask my ex if she wants back together she says "maybe in the future" or something even more vague: she "needs time." She lets me hold her hand sometimes, and others she pulls away. Honestly, I love her, but her "confusion" seems a bit misled. I have a good job, a good education, a good life, great friends, and I'm a lot smarter than most people--I could provide all of that--and her new boyfriend is a directionless loser with no future and no education, but he works the same lame low-paying job as her with the same lame hours--it MUST be true love...
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (10 November 2009):
Thank you for the update. A bit of context certainly gives us more of a clue where you're coming from. It sounds like you've both been through a lot, and that this was a very serious relationship for both of you.
Of course it's important that you stay on the medication for yourself and not just for her sakes. Don't put pressure on her, and treat her with honesty and respect; and be patient that even if she is prepared to try again, it may take her a while to trust that you can stay regular and balanced on the medication, and to feel secure in considering trying again.
But talk to her. The sooner you understand how she feels, the sooner you might be able to resolve where you both stand.
Good luck- I hope it works out for you both!
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (10 November 2009):
Hard as it might be to face, she might not be willing to go back to because she saw what can happen if you dont have your meds. It might have totally freaked her out.
Who she is seeing now may be a reflection of her insecurities and you should have a healthy fear of women who behave like that as well. Seriously, women who jump from one man to the next easily are generally bad news for long term happiness.
I think you are better off focusing on you and not her. If you two are destined it will not come about by some well planned grand action on your part.
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male
reader, Garm +, writes (10 November 2009):
Garm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, here the context: we dated for 4 years and loved each other immensely. I have bipolar disorder, quit taking meds (lost insurance), had a bad manic episode in which i did questionable things, and scared her off. Now I am medicated and I want her back. She claims he's not a rebound, but he obviously is because she got with him just days after we broke up, and he's a loser (not speaking out of jealousy--he really truly is someone you wouldn't want your daughters to date). It's not drama filled--these are actually quite sincere, albeit bizarre, circumstances. I want her back because I love her, and I know if I weren't sick in the head we'd still be together. She admitted the same to me.
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (9 November 2009):
There's a great deal of assumptions being made here, partly because you've pointedly given absolutely no indication of why you two broke up. But nonetheless; there’s a lot of ‘you need to’ and ‘you have to’ being said.
The fact of the matter is that some couples Can get back together and make things work. We just don’t know if you’re one of those couples from a couple of sentences.
I don’t think using the word ‘steal’ persuades anyone that this new relationship of hers’ is just a rebound relationship, or indeed of your good intentions. But whether you stand any chance or not, I don’t agree with playing games outside of a relationship for the same reason I don’t believe in playing games inside a relationship.
Treat her with respect and maturity. Simply talk to her about how you feel and ask her if she still has any feelings for you. If she doesn’t want to get back together when you ask her straight out, why would she if you ‘stole’ her away in any over complicated scheme.
If she shows no interest, you might find it easier to move on by cutting back such regular communications as you’ve been keeping. But I don’t see you have anything to lose by asking her. If nothing else, it might give you the ‘closure’ you need to move on with your life.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 November 2009):
Eh, you just want her back cause you can't have her. So, you know that the relationship probably isn't going to work out in the future. But you pretty much have to follow what anonymous said, the more you act like you don't care, the more she'll probably be more into you. Yes, you have to still be nice, but moving on is what keeps people interested because she's going to wonder why you don't seem to want her anymore.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): I assume she broke up with you. It feels great to her that she still gets your attention.
This might sound like a jerk move, but it works. If you want her back, you need to stop talking to her and go show her that you are your own man. Go do your own thing. Show her you DON't need her. DO NOT contact her. Let her come to you.
But don't be a jerk about it. Be super cool. Tell her you're happy for her that she's dating. You need to go do some dating of your own and have fun. Make sure she knows about it, but don't let her KNOW you're making sure.
She needs to think "why is he having so much fun without me?" And she'll start to think maybe she made a mistake.
Right now you're probably being a great friend to her. Cut that out. Try to remember what attracted her to you in the first place, and be that guy.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 November 2009):
You don't. If she's not with you, she doens't love you enough. Also, if she needed a rebound, she's insecure and probably totally confused and if she came back to you, would probably leave you again at some point. Let her move on, and move on yourself.
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