A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK so it has been a week since this girl I was in a relationship and I stopped speaking. I initiated it because she was lying and hurting me and we talked about it for weeks before and I know it was the best thing. BUT...it is killing me!!! It was my first serious relationship and it is like a part of me is gone. I always used to laugh at people nursing broken hearts feeling they were being over-dramatic. But now I see, wow, it is real.My question is then: how do people break up so casually? I mean, even this girl I was dating has had many boyfriends and relationships. How do people not get devastated? How are they able to have so many relationships? Does your heart have to die a little bit? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Some people date many partners to the extent of never being serious - and you ask why? They simply could be not ready to settle their heart down for someone specially, like a 'wild thing', or just didn't give you their heart. Some people can't help but feel bored easily and move on. They feel discouraged or don't like the feeling of settling down. They feel tied down. If they did not take it seriously, chances are they obviously will not feel hurt or obligated to furthermore continue the relationship. People like that will have trouble finding true love. You have a deep-set heart and I can tell you will be a loving husband one day. Nobody wants to date people who are indecisive and difficult to hold on to! Be grateful you have a quality that I guarantee most women will acknowledge. Someone dedicating and willing to give their heart. You will find someone who will treat you better and give you all the love you so rightly deserve.Never give up and keep your head high! :)Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Some people date many partners to the extent of never being serious - and you ask why? They simply could be not ready to settle their heart down for someone specially, like a 'wild thing', or just didn't give you their heart. Some people can't help but feel bored easily and move on. They feel discouraged or don't like the feeling of settling down. They feel tied down. If they did not take it seriously, chances are they obviously will not feel hurt or obligated to furthermore continue the relationship. People like that will have trouble finding true love. You have a deep-set heart and I can tell you will be a loving husband one day. Nobody wants to date people who are indecisive and easy to hold on to! Be grateful you have a quality that I guarantee most women will acknowledge. Someone dedicating and willing to give their heart. You will find someone who will treat you better and give you all the love you so rightly deserve.Never give up and keep your head high! :)Best of luck.
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female
reader, TeaLady  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Some people are shallow or never cared as much. It's the reality of how people are different. Accept reality. It's okay that people are different. You get to be you and that is really all that matters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): The more you invest, the more you get hurt. Those who do not get hurt were never really in love for whatever reason. They were just in it for the pleasure and once that fades with you, they go on the next. I really don't believe in soul contracts...the rationalization that some people use to justify a break-up or find another.
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reader, Myau  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Theres no way to just get over it. It will hurt for along time.
But one day you just wont think about it as much and then you will be fine.
Im sorry to tell you after my 8th relationship, it hurts just the same as it did the first time......maybe no 9 wont be so bad lol
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male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (22 February 2011):
 "How the hell are people able to break up and not get devastated??" This is why I stayed single and sexually abstinent for years. Pain? No thank you.
"My question is then: how do people break up so casually?" I don't know if there is such a thing as a "casual break up".
"I mean, even this girl I was dating has had many boyfriends and relationships." I think people who have had "many" relationships haven't had many or any truly all encompassing relationships. The kind where you totally let go and are 100% vulnerable.
"How do people not get devastated?" I don't know how people do it but I know they get devastated.
"How are they able to have so many relationships? Does your heart have to die a little bit?" For people who have "many relationships" I wonder how much of their "heart" was in it in the first place. For me the older I got the harder it was to do so I just didn't do it any more. Then one day a woman came back into my life and turned my whole world upside down. And it was as if someone had given me a new pair of eyes to see. It was truly amazing. A lot of people I've talked to say all the heartache of past relationships and marriages are in a strange way worth it because it brought them to the person they are 100% excited by and at ease with if that makes sense. Give it time. You will recover.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): It hurt's like crazy. It's like the person you've been closest too for so long has suddenly gone and that's amazingly difficult to adjust to. Especially if they took the decision away from you. I think some people just find it easier if they are able to distract themselves with other things. Anything that helps you to get through this time...do it. As long as it's not harmful!
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reader, dirtball +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Yeah, a really good metaphor indeed!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): Reading your post made me think back to my first break-up. I was devastated... it felt weird and terrible and it felt like going around without an arm or without a vital part of my own body. I couldn't stop crying and I thought I'd never be able to be with anyone else in the world. It was the toughest time in my life. But I managed to get through it and so will you, darling. It's tough but it'll make you stronger and after a while you'll just remember the good times you and your ex had together. I know it seems impossible right now, but believe me, you'll survive this. Good luck!
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reader, natasia  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Yes, your heart dies a bit - only a bit if you are way beyond being ready to break up, but a helluva lot if there was still anything alive in your relationship.
Think of it like getting rid of ... hmm ... for example, a scab. If it really is ready to drop off, it doesn't hurt - maybe a mild twinge as you twist it off - and the new pink skin underneath seems like a fresh chance at life. But if you try to get it off too early - my god - how much does it hurt and bleed? And how much do you wish you hadn't tried to detach something that was still attached to you, and you to it? How much do you want to stick it back down and pretend it is all still totally just part of you, as it was?
Yeah ... that is a good metaphor ... even i am impressed ... ; )
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): i just got through a bad breakup and i know how you feel. Breakups always suck, so for a while, just dont be self conscious about crying and stuff because everyone does that and it actually does make you feel kind of better. After that one of the main things is that you have to want to get over them. If you hope that shel change and things will get better than youl never get over it. You have to give up any hope that you will work as a couple or that youl get back together because that will just make the breakup harder. For me thats the hardest part and once you get past that it gets easier. Spend a lot of time with friends and try to keep yourself busy for a while and eventually it will get better, and while your doing that, keep looking for someone else that you could see yourself potentially going out with. Getting your heart broken is horrible and i know its hard to put yourself in the position where that could happen again, but you have to just let go and find someone else again because eventually everyone finds the right person, and that doesnt happen without getting hurt along the way. If your relationship was really serious like mine was then youl probably never forget the good times you had and you dont have too. Just appreciate those times but recognize that you can have even better times with someone else.
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reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (22 February 2011):
When my first love and I separated, I was sure I would never be the same. I tried dating around a bit and met some nice girls, but I just couldn't replace her in my heart. For a while, it felt like I'd be damaged by her forever. It wasn't until I met my second love that I completely forgot about her and was able to move on and show my affection for another person.
After splitting up with my second serious girlfriend, I felt the same as I did before. It hurt and it felt as though the healing would never fully happen. Now, I'm in a new relationship. And while I still have a lot of recovering to do, I know that her and I are growing closer each day and have a lot of passion for each other. One day, I'll be able to move on completely.
I tell you this because you need to know that its a cycle. Being in love, breaking up, being hurt, slowly healing, and finally being able to love again. Eventually you'll find that person that you can love for the rest of your life, but it won't come without a lot of turmoil from previous relationships.
But I guarantee it will make you stronger. From each broken heart, I've learned something new about myself and about the women I date. I've learned from my mistakes and have learned to value different things in different people. Sometimes we need breakups. We need them to grow. They are an experience that will teach us how to fully appreciate and love the final person in our lives. We need the bad so we can see how wonderful the good times are.
If someone is able to break up casually, they were never invested emotionally in the other person. They never truly opened up and sheltered their heart so that the break up process would be made easier. Those who are in long-term, serious relationships though? There is always heart ache. For both people. Its never easy giving up such a big portion of your life.
Stick in there. Keep your chin up. I know how much it hurts and how it feels like things may never be the same; but you'll heal.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (22 February 2011):
I like The Realist's perspective about your heart growing.
Casual break ups can only happen if people aren't that invested in each other. Not everyone can break up casually, people just learn how to deal with it better.
Many times people do get devistated, they are either better at hiding it or they had done a better job of preparing for it pre break up. Sometimes people will start their coping process before actually ending a relationship.
A piece of your heart will likely always love that person you shared part of your life with. It's not something to be taken lightly. Part of me still loves all my exes for different reasons. That's one of the joys of a relationship, it's also one of the pains.
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reader, The Realist +, writes (22 February 2011):
 I think that people do get hurt with every break up and it does take a piece of them away but it heals every time. Each relationship and break up is new with new feelings and the break up will hurt who ever experiences it. The difference is when you have had many relationships you know that life will go on and it speeds the healing process although the same pain is involved.
You could say your heart dies a little bit but I prefer to say that it grows because of what you learn and what you now carry on with you in life. If I had not of been hurt bad in the past and had the experiences I did I would not be the person I am today so I am thankful for what happened to me.
It will hurt for now but it will fade soon enough and someone else will come along and you will be surprised then how little of your heart you actually lost.
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