A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Alright, it's somewhat of a long story here so bear with me. Before I begin, my last ex cheated on me with a buddy of mine in my own bed, at which point I was in the living room during the party and heard everything. She walked out of my room, shrugged, and said "I didn't want you." Needless to say, for a long while, I was broken up about this and didn't date for nearly a year. Now, I have had a friend of mine in my classes every single day for a year. She is beautiful, but has always had a boyfriend so I never really played with the thought. Well, a few months ago, she had broken up with him, but I never got the "she's interested" vibe so I let it go. Well, two weeks before our finals (we're in college), I am working on an assignment late at night, and she logs onto Skype, so I just casually chat her. Well, that casual chat turned into a 8.5 hour flirting session, which ended in her coming over at 5:30am to sleep over, in both senses of the word. After that, for two weeks, we hung out and slept over, went to movies, went out to eat, etc. There were no fights, and I know I made her happy, she was always laughing. Well, the night before our last final, she rolls onto my chest, and whispers in my ear "You don't think I'm a bad person because I have a boyfriend do you?" I said no to calm her down, but inside I was heartbroken. Basically, he would ignore her, not stay over, only come over for sex occasionally, and go out of town every weekend to "visit" female friends, which she later confirmed he was cheating on her with. So he pushed her away, along comes me, and voila. Well, I told her she could still sleep over, but we can't "do" anything anymore until she breaks up with him. She kissed me and said "dang...you're amazing. I can't wait to see you when I get back" and smiled. So we went on break, and were texting completely fine back and forth until for a solid week, her facebook, phone number, and Skype all disappeared. All I could imagine was that her b/f found out, she got back with him, and blocked me from her life. This started my downward spiral into craziness. Well, about 8 days later, she finally comes back online, and we talk briefly on facebook. Apparently she was having some family trouble and isolated herself. Well, the day before we head back to college, I was ecstatic to see her once again...until that night, when I found out that her dad got in some MAJOR trouble and was in prison now for life. So I was sympathetic, and the next day, when she was driving back, I was on the phone with her, and she was complaining about having to carry so much inside. So without her knowing, I picked up flowers and drove over, not to stay, but to simply help bring stuff inside then leave. She got mad at me for being there, and yet, she wouldn't let me leave. Every 10 minutes or so I offered to leave, and she kept saying "No, stay." I stayed for nearly 2 hours before I finally left. Well, she started ignoring my texts, messages, calls, and was basically avoiding me. Finally, I get a text saying "Hey, I just want to be friends. I just got out of a bad relationship." And I lost it. I was never rude, I mean lost it to myself. I legitimately cared for my friend, let alone someone who I had gotten so close to, and now she doesn't even want to see me, let alone talk! So I messaged her a few facebook messages saying how much I was hurt by this, which she responded to saying she was being standoffish on purpose so I wouldn't be hurt, and she cared for me and such. Since that message, which was two weeks ago, she hasn't responded to ANYTHING of mine. I stopped trying to get in contact about 6 days ago...but it's been destroying me mentally. I have no idea what to do or think, please help. I really do love this girl, and she cared for me before this whole issue with her father. Despite everything, she still has not deleted my number, me off of facebook, keeps my comments on her page, and still is friends on Skype.
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cheated on me, facebook, flirt, flowers, heartbroken, in jail, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, so I took a week and a half off from any contact whatsoever, and I saw she had her first test in a few hours, so I wished her good luck. Through sheer terrible luck, I happened to run into her on campus that same day and said a quick hello and made a little joke. She smiled...but it was terribly fake, and her eyes just showed NO emotion whatsoever. Now, I looked online, and see that it says "(name) is no longer listed as single" and I lost it. Is it time for me to throw in the towel and just send her an angry as hell message, then delete her from my life?
A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 When I read your post, I get a very different take on things.
I get feeling lonely, and confused and hurt, but she went and slept with you knowing that she had a boyfriend.
From your original post and follow-up, it sounds like she purposely misled you about her relationship status. So, what does that tell you?
She then lead you on for a long time, and then basically got rid of you. I think her not deleting you, etc from her contacts is more about her liking the attention.
Unfortunately one of the most annoying and contradictory things about human behaviour is that we never go for the ppl that want us, but those that ignore us.
When you first noticed her, and started to pursue her, you kept your distance because of her situation. She probably sensed you liked her, but you keeping your distance attracted her.
I know she has had some MAJOR family issues, but that is no reason for her to make you feel badly. To be fair, she did say she needed space/time right now. She may be conflicted about being with you, but also knows that she is probably not in the right state emotionally to give you what you want.
So listen to her, and just keep your distance.
Don't contact her in anyway. Give her a chance to miss you.
It may take a couple of weeks, or it may never happen, but you do need to back off.
No email, no texts, and no phone calls. Chances are, she will contact you within a week or 2 if you do this. But this doesn't mean you jump back in.
I think though, that you need to question how someone so "sweet" could sleep with you while involved and lead you on for weeks.
You can find someone who will do better by you.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, Gothic_lady  +, writes (25 January 2011):
I know it's hard, but try not approaching her. Just wait and see what she wants. You can't make someone love you. In the meantime, try talking to other girls, so that you at least can forget her for a little while. Don't let her use you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 You cannot do anything right now. You have to be patient and give her time to sort things out. Family issues will always have a troublesome hold on an individual so give her more time before you talk to her again, a month or two but, when you do, try to talk to her as a friend before anything else.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, and btw, a little background on her personality. I was actually cautious to flirt months ago because she is so sweet. She doesn't even swear. Additionally, she is not a slut. The first night we hooked up, she said she has only been with 4 people, each she has dated for many months. I had NO idea she was dating that new guy when she came over, it had never come up in conversation, nor was it online. Plus, when we studied for that final together, her background image was the two of them, which she dragged a game of solitaire over to cover his face "without me knowing". She was legitimately lonely and hurt, and came to me, and now unwillingly, is making me feel the same.
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