A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a committed relationship for the past 6+ years with my girlfriend, "Rachel". I love her with all of my heart and I had planned on proposing but something recently has caused me not to. One of my close friends, "Tammy", and I have been flirting like crazy recently (Flirty/sexy text messages, Provocative photos). She lives out of state and I have visited her a few times in the past months (Which is nothing out of the norm. My girlfriend knows who I visit and trusts me. Which is why I feel even guiltier). We've fooled around (making out, heavy petting, etc.) a few times but have never had sex but the urge was so high at times I had to excuse myself from the room and go for a walk/smoke/drive.My question is this. How do I keep both of them in my life? I love "Rachel" and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. On the other hand I love "Tammy" and don't want her out of my life. I'm sure the answer might be clear but I'm just a big dumb guy and I could use your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I've taken a little from column A and a little from column B with the advice that was given. When I went to tell her what I was up to but in an ironic turn of events she told me she had been cheating on me (I guess cheaters are drawn to one another?). After I told her what I had done she was furious which had she not just told me 5 minutes before that she was cheating would have been an understandable response. We ended the relationship and I've severed ties with "Tammy". I'm going to take some time for myself and do some soul searching and hopefully this experience will make me a better person in the long run. I want to thank everyone who gave me some insightful words instead of just bashing me (You know who you are). And on that note I take my leave. Again... Thank you to those who helped.
A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 you already violated your gf trust. you cant unlearn what you have learnt, same goes for actions. shame on you, she gave and wasted 6 yrs of her life investing her love and loyalties in you. now she will have to restart over her life, but now she will be scarred for life, wary about every male she encounters, and in turn, guys will avoid her because they will view her as a neurotic paranoid "bitch" when in reality she was not that before.
u might as well tell her what you did, tell her u want better for her and that you kn ow you cant be that for her anymore. if she has any question, answer them, be honest, so she can walk away with some closure. dont leave her hanging. that is just as cruel as cheating. and dont lie either. you dug your grave. be prepared for her to throw u in it. own up and be a man.but really u should of thought about what it is to a man before u did what u did. do you believe in karma? trust me. paybacks a bitch. it has many faces and is called many names. but u will recognize it when it rears its ugly form to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2009):
Sorry sending flirty email/texts and horny pics is NOT friendship.
Shit or get of the pot.
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A
female
reader, Mymy  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 You're a chauvinist! simple as. Either you love 'Rachel' or you don't - making these calls to 'Tammy' indicate you don't. You can't have them both, at least not until you get find out. This is a betrayal of 'Rachel's' trust, she doesn't deserve someone as shallow and immoral as you. You can't go back to being 'friends' with 'Tammy' because the urge will always be there - you've really in the shit.You have two choices; break contact with 'Tammy' and stay with 'Rachel' or leave 'Rachel' in favour of this sexual thrill of yours... you both deserve each other anyway!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): You DON'T, you are selfish and as they say you reap what you sow,maybe one day when you find you have REAL feelings for someone they will treat you like a piece of dirt just as you are treating these two woman.Karma...............
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): You need to get your head checked dude if you love Racheal what the hell are you doing heavy panting with someone else for ??? do you kow what it means to love someone you are a fool for thinking you can have both, would you like it if Racheal did that to you shared her love body and time between you and another dude??? If you love her tell her what you have been up to you are using her trust to satisfy your own needs, if she can forgive you for lieng to her and panting it up with this other chick you are one lucky man, if she is willing to forgive you for what you did, and you can promise to stay faithfull to her marry her and love her with all your heart you might have a fairy tale love, who knows but you cannot have boht no matter how hard you try its not right what you diong is wrong and you know it
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 Still, the answer is no. You have cheated - that is simple. Either you are going to continue hiding this huge nasty seccret from rachel and then your future marriage will be based on lies - or you can be a man and come clean about what you have done. Maybe rachel will forgive you (unlikely but you can always dream) but even then, you should never want to have Tammy in your life after what you have done.
And Tammy will never want friendship from you, she now knows how attracted you are to her and she will use this to try and get you back in bed. You clearly feel no remorse for what you have done if you still want to be friends with tammy, if you felt any guilt or had any conscience at all you would run away from tammy as fast as you can and spend your time being the man rachel deserves.
If you have paid any attention to the answers you have recieved you should notice that your behaviour is dispicable and not at all accpetable - you should feel ashamed but instead you are still wanting to know if you can still be friends with your bit of rough.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (6 March 2009):
 Ok, that sounds more mature, in honesty you need to tell Tammy that although she's great looking and you get on with her, Rachel is the girl for you. Tell her you would like to remain friends but the pictures and flirty messages have to stop.
If she is a friend, she'll understand and stop, if she doesn't you need to cut contact, and change your phone number and e-mail addy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt seems I miss worded the tail end of my question. The question I was trying to as was is their anyway to keep them both in my life and still salvage the relationships with these two? In other words to keep "Rachel" as a lover and "Tammy" as a friend.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (6 March 2009):
STOP being a selfish IDIOT, get over your self and make a grown up choice, we are not here to help people like you hurt two girls! You obviously have no respect for women and certainly don't know what love is!
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (6 March 2009):
 You are showing yourself as a prime candidate to being an abuser. Is that what you want to be when you grow up?
Cheating and lying may appear as minor abuse, if any to you, but it can be "cancerous tumor" to you if undiagnosed. If you accept it is indeed within the concept or principles of abuse, I hope that you would also agree to have it "removed" before it became "malignant"
However, there is still the possibility that Rachel does not agree that your "cancerous tumor", even when removed, will not come back. The "treatment" for your abusive behaviour (cheating, lying) will be hard. And as you have outlined in your story, your encounters with Tammy appeared to be very well calculated. Would you be able to guarantee to Rachel that you would never cheat her again?
I only use cancer as a metaphor to drive the point home to you. Not to disrespect people who have cancer in real life, who face much much more hardship than you.
If you love Rachel, you will respect her. You will need to come clean. And if she left you and never want to have anything to do with you, you will also respect her decision. If she forgave you, she is the bigger person than you are.
As for Tammy ... neither you nor Rachel needs a friend like her.
Good luck.
Cat
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A
male
reader, Helpful_In_Ohio +, writes (6 March 2009):
 Are you F*n Kidding Me ? Seems like to me you don't know what a committed relationship is ! You're the type that gives us good men a bad name cause of your BS plays for attension and MACHO-ISM. You are looking for attension and i am sure your not even in a good relationship if any relationship to begin with. . . You need to just pack your stuff and move under a rock you "SCHMUCK ". Your the type that needs to just be happy with masturbation by yourself! You need a sign to warn females that your a DOG and no matter how you think you are torn your not your a DOG!!!! Sheesh I am sorry for the ladies you encounter and if your story is true I am truly sorry she gave you 6 years of her life. LAdies I am sorry you even had to read this post from such a DOG I assure you ladies not all GUYS are like this. . . He has insecurities and needs to proove something and all he is proving is that he is untrusting and a loser !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): You are a cheat!!!! You want to have your cake and eat it too. I hope that Rachael finds out and dumps your sorry ass!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): Why don't you ask Rachel this question and then she can help you decide!!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 March 2009):
I cant acutally believe you are asking this. The simple answer is you cannot keep both of them in your life! You have cheated on the woman you love and supposedly want to marry, and you claim to be in love with both of them!
You should come clean to "Rachel" about your affair with this other woman and then leave her, she does not deserve to be treated this way! You dont love rachel if you can go behind her back like this - when you love someone you are totally committed to them and would never dream of even sending flirty messages to someone, let along visiting another woman and fooling around with her. Do what is right here and leave your girlfriend, you have destroyed all the memories and happiness you had in your six years together.
As for "Tammy" - you dont love her either. It clearly sounds like lust. All you want is the sexual contact, the excitment of wanting something you supposedly cannot have. If you started up a real relationship with her after you end your relationship with rachel then you will find out pretty quickly that this is not love and aside from the physical attraction, there is nothing else there.
You are just being a greedy selfish man who wants to have his cake and eat it. You get the love and stablity from "Rachel" and you get the excitement and passion from "Tammy". In the real world, you cannot have both. You should feel ashamed of yourself for how much you have hurt your girlfriend - 6 years is a long time to throw away just for a bit of hot sex. It is irrelevant whether or not you have acutally had sex with this other woman - I think the heavy petting and making out is bad enough.
Do the right thing and come clean to your girlfriend, end it with the bit on the side, and then spend a long time alone thinking about what you have done. Until you know you can be committed and faithful to one woman there is no point in you even considering being in any relationship, never mind marriage.
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A
male
reader, vmadman +, writes (6 March 2009):
Finally, a question from a guy.
You can handle it one of two ways my man.
1. Have more sex with Rachel, and make it more interesting. Try to make yourself happy in your steady love life. Meanwhile, limit your interactions with Tammy so that you do not create opportunities to "pet", as you put it. Tammy will eventually get the idea out of her head, as women seem to do over time.
2. Propose to Rachel and create avenues for wild, raunchy, sex with Tammy. This will eventually come back to bite you in the butt, but it will be fun while it lasts.
l.c.
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