A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in a realtionship for 23 years, we have a 15 year old daughter. We are not married, that is not the issue. The issue is, we get no respect, I am constantly getting yelled at like I am a verbal punching bag by both my daughter and her dad, ( obviously she picked it up from her dad). My spouse cannot sit down and have a nice talk with me. All he is doing is making derogatory comments about the size of my breast or privates, and he thinks that is funny and supposed to turn me on?? Whatever. He also is blowing through our account like an idiot. He tells me he wants to look hollywood, when he is such a fake. If we go shopping and sees something that he thinks may look good on me, he gets mad if I do not like it. We are going to Europe next week for three weeks to see some of his family and friends, so he is buying all these stupid designer stuff to make himself look like he has money. I know he lies to them about how we live in Canada, so I just bite my tongue and let them find out what a liar he is. After years and years of his verbal abuse, I am ready to walk, but after 23 years, how do you do it? He is thekind of person who seeks revenge and tries to make everyone elses life miserable. Even our daughter cannot stand being around him, which is sad. I have a place to go, but little money as he is the breadwinner. I am so sick of this.
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male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 It was good to hear 'pinkgoblins' story as well as your own, it shows some hope. Seek advice first from an organisation designed to help people in your position. They will tell you what can and can't be done eg eventhough he has control of the finances you may be eligible for some of it (this is the case in such relationships in Australia).They should also be able to provide support contacts to other organisations possible legal representation etc There may be a wealth of support you are unaware of including support group of women in exactly your situation. I know you are upset but you have put up with it for so long now that you can afford to spend some time doing some of the above.
A
female
reader, pinkgoblin15  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 I it might seem hard to leave him. It is very hard. Me my mom and sister have been through the same situation but harder tho . My mom did have a job at the time she left her bf but she owed money to cash advances and was paying on her vehicles and stuff like that so we had no choice but to move into a womans abuse shelter. They were pretty nice they helped us get a restraining order against him and bought our school clothes and stuff like that. They were really helpful. We had the option of moving in with my grandma but umm no..lol. A woman abuse shelter is a good way to escape from your nightmare you might think there just for ppl that have been physically abused but there not thats why me and my family were there. After we got out my moms revengeful bf just like urs) tracked us down we kept calling the police and everything and moving. My mom kept working at it. In the end we never were better :) My moms ex bf has done some pretty cruel things to us but we never gave up and so should you) Just keeping moving forward
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 You're in a very difficult situation, one that is very difficult to be in, and to escape, too. I hope my two cents will help you.
This is a very personal decision. So, think carefully what you will do.
It sounds like there is no way to fix your marriage. You sound fed up with him and his way of being. Twenty-three years of life together is a lot. Maybe you feel like leaving him would be like sending a lifetime down the tube. But, if the relationship is at so sorry a state, then it's not the past that should matter, but the present and the future. Leaving would be your way to put an end to a relationship that is just so bad and can't be fixed. I am sure you would have some second thoughts or regrets, but leaving seems the right decision to make, even if it hurts.
I wonder if your having "a place to go" means exactly that, a physical place, or another way to live your life. Sometimes, the real problem behind leaving someone is that the person has no idea what comes next, and the bad familiar things seem more bearable that the unknown. All serious changes bring stress and losses, and it's natural that we don't like that.
I think you should try to figure out what kind of a life you could have if you left your husband. If those prospects are not good, maybe you can work to improve them, and then be in a position to leave without losing everything. I am not saying that you should determine whether it's worth leaving; I suppose your mind is made up already about that. I am talking about how you would leave, when, and where to.
As to making your life miserable, I think your life is kind of hard anyways. I am not sure whether this is just fear.
You have some decades of your life ahead of you. You need to think what your life will be like in those years. Personally, I would want to live free, even if that meant living lonely. Much easier said than done.
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 Life is what we make it. by the choices we choose and the paths we walk. i think you walked down a path that suit the deck but with time all that was good dwindled down and now your seeing the path you choose for what it is and is now sick of seeing the new path. sometimes we dont like change and prevent ourselfs from doing what may be right because we dont want to test the water encase its cold. if you want to make your life better then you need to take a hold of yourself and say i can do this no matter what happens and take that leap of faith test that water out and see if you can make life better or atleast were you have respect from a partner and not from a mouse who doesnt know how to treat you well. hope this helps aphex xx
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A
female
reader, imcurioustoo +, writes (13 June 2009):
Well first of all you should never allow somone to belittle you and those smart remarks he's giving you and the lying about your life just shows he in denial and unhappy with his life not to mention that he's very insecure and miserable... he sounds a lot like my uncle carl so I can relate.. But .. Bottom line leave his butt and move on with your life if you need to inform the authorities of his revenge like behavior and advice with your daughter.. Im 17 and my mother and I don't get along very well... but yelling and screaming doesn't help.. So try to talk with her and ask her why she's so angry all the time .. But really you should look out for yourself and your child and it sounds like to me the best way to do that is to leave this guy
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A
female
reader, imcurioustoo +, writes (13 June 2009):
Well first of all you should never allow somone to belittle you and those smart remarks he's giving you and the lying about your life just shows he in denial and unhappy with his life not to mention that he's very insecure and miserable... he sounds a lot like my uncle carl so I can relate.. But .. Bottom line leave his butt and move on with your life if you need to inform the authorities of his revenge like behavior and advice with your daughter.. Im 17 and my mother and I don't get along very well... but yelling and screaming doesn't help.. So try to talk with her and ask her why she's so angry all the time .. But really you should look out for yourself and your child and it sounds like to me the best way to do that is to leave this guy
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A
female
reader, Vickett0410 +, writes (13 June 2009):
 If he really is as bad as you say, you definately should not stay with him. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Maybe you could stay with a family member until you get back on your feet?
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