A
female
age
36-40,
*reamer1988
writes:So, here is the situation. A couple years ago, I went out with a guy who pretty much used me for my money. That relationship lasted nine months. It took me awhile to get over it, but when I finally did, I met someone else, and he was amazing to me. He treated me very well. He took me out to eat, paid for everything, introduced me to his family, and bought me presents. But, at the time, I wasn't feeling emotionally ready to be in a relationship that to everyone and to me seemed pretty healthy. So, I wanted to leave him. Now, I am lonely and sad. I am seeing someone else, but I constantly think about this guy who treated me like a queen. I can't just contact him though because we are on a no contact basis (basically, he is the one who initiated that.) So, there is absolutely no way that I can contact him. What do you suggest that I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): It does not matter who came up to whom...you weren't ready, you knew that, so you should have never dated him to begin with. People who break hearts give that excuse time and time again...you even said yourself that you never felt emotionally ready....so why did you have to wait till the "end of the road" for? You also admitted that now that you are "lonely and sad" and you currently seeing someone else, you think about the guy who treated you well....uh...I wonder why? I say you need to move on and leave that guy alone....you only want him now because, you are quote on quote "lonely and sad" and you probably have dated guys who didn't care all that much for you, so when you think of him and how well he treated you....you long for that.
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female
reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (30 December 2010):
Dreamer1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the question He came up to me and wanted to be with me. I had no way of knowing that at the end of the road I would not be able to go through with it. It's not like I could predict that I would all of a sudden break up with him... So, thanks for your input... but it's a little misinformed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I hope you have learned from this situation...you knew you weren't ready to date this wonderful guy at the time, so why did you allow him to spend money on your, take you to meet his family and fall for you? I will tell you from exp. that having your heartbroken is a difficult thing to get over...and sometimes a person never gets over it and if they do, they might be emotionally scared for life, not being able to trust anybody. I think you should just leave him alone....his life is NOT a revolving door...you don't get to pick and chose when you want to come and go in someones life...you didn't care that much for him to leave him the first time, so what's to say that you wouldn't do it again? I think he is a smart guy....and should stay away from you with no contact at all. I hope he finds woman who will not date him knowing she isn't prepared emotionally for a relationship.
I know you feel lonely, but that is not his problem...you have to deal with that. Go out and date others....maybe there is a great guy out there who will treat you like a Queen. I hope you have learned your lesson....
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reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (29 December 2010):
Dreamer1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have decided not to contact him and move on. If he tries to contact me (I don't know if he will), or if we somehow "meet again" (not very likely but possible), then I will talk to him. But, right now, I need to move on with my life.
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reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (27 December 2010):
Dreamer1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you; I did tell him how I feel... it's just that even after I told him how I feel, he still wanted us to just be friends from then on. At this point, it's not up to me anymore whether he wants to be with me or not. He would also make plans with me and then cancel them at the last minute at the end (when we were just friends), which is one of the reasons why we are not talking anymore.
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reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (26 December 2010):
Dreamer1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. The message I got from most of them was 1. break up with current guy and 2. break the no-contact rule and tell my ex how I feel. What I forgot to mention though is that he is seeing someone else now too. So, I think he has moved on.
Maybe, I do just "want what I can't have". It's entirely possible, since I have never been in this situation before and it's hard to tell why I do the things I do. Maybe, it's true that first I need to figure out why it was so hard for me to be in a relationship with a guy who didn't ask anything from me and loved me for who I was, but for some reason, I couldn't accept that. And, then go from there.
Thanks again
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 Before you do anything are you sure you don't just want what you can't have?
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 December 2010):
The way I see it, there are two ways you can go this.
1 - You accept that you've lost him and continue to move on. However, you need to end it with this new guy, as he's clearly not the guy for you and you need to spend time alone right now getting over the hurt you've been through.
2 - You end it with the new guy, break the no contact rule and send a letter or email to this other guy explaining exactly what you were feeling at the time, exactly why you ended what you had with him, and why you now realize it was a mistake. Basically go for broke and see what happens.
Either way here, please break it off with this new guy. If you're a caring woman, you'll know that it's unfair to keep this new guy around knowing that you still really want this other guy from the past. Do the right thing and end it with him, then decide whether you'll accept the other guy is gone, or whether you want to go for broke.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I say just leave the guy alone. He sounds like a nice straight up guy.
You on the other hand sound like you do not know what you want. Not to mention you are seeing someone else.
Commitment is a choice, which you're not ready to make and/or appear capable to make.
Sorry, but I think he's better off without you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): You discovered two things1. You didn't realize what you had until he left2. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fenceIf you want him back tell him then prove it to him by showing him because you know actions speak louder than words
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): There is nothing you can do until he makes contact again. The ball, as they'll say, is out of your court.
In the meantime, try to move on.. don't get your hopes too high up... perhaps you are merely unhappy with this guy you're currently seeing. There are plenty more out there who can satisfy you as your last did... but don't base your fondness on how materially generous they are with you. There's far more to a loving relationship than that. Don't let yourself be won over by material things and therefore blinded to ruinous shortcomings. Don't let yourself be That Girl who can be bought.
This guy doesn't seem to want to see you now. Don't bug him and push him farther away. He must come to you, or nothing more. In the meantime, waiting is a waste when there's no end- of- tunnel bright to be seen. Try to live your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): You can wait until he is ready for contact or you can gently break the no contact at some point if he doesn't contact you.
There isn't much else you can do really. He may have treated you like a queen, but that was the beginning of the relationship so that could have changed if you stayed together.
If he really is a good guy, then you have probably hurt him and you may not get another chance with him now.
I would spend time on your own and try to heal yourself from the other relationships so that you can get a fresh start maybe?
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reader, CJH +, writes (26 December 2010):
 As you've found, things change and, given the benefit of hindsight, we realise that perhaps we made mistakes in the past.
Despite the no contact agreement, it's certainly worth writing your thoughts and feelings down in an email to this guy to see if he too has changed and still has a place in his heart for you. The alternative is to let him slip into your past and forget him - so it's your decision isn't it?
As for your current boyfriend, it's not fair on him OR you to carry on acting out a farce where you're doing little more than going through the motions of being in a relationship without the emotions. You need to end this one and stay single until you're ready to give a relationship your full attention.
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reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (26 December 2010):
How long have you been on this no contact basis? If its been a few months at least, I'd say you are okay in taking a risk to send, at the very least, an email that he can read explaining everything.You can't really blame him for initiating the no contact rule. I mean, its already hard to get over a break up and I'm sure considering the situation it must have been really hard for him. Things are definitely going to be different now that you have another boyfriend. If you want things to be mended between you and your ex, you need to break up with this current guy FIRST! Don't keep him around as a back up plan in case this one falls through. That's not fair to him either.Best of luck.
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reader, DerbyGirl19 +, writes (26 December 2010):
No contact. So he has disappeared off the face of the earth, he has no phone, no e-mail, no facebook/twitter/myspace and no home address.If the above isn't true then I would suggest screwing up that "no contact basis" and throwing it out of the window. You weren't ready for a relationship. That's wasn't his fault but it wasn't yours either. What you need to do is *explain* that to him.Contact him in a way that doesn't allow him to respond immediately, e.g. letter, e-mail or facebook message (preferably letter as it shows extra effort). Use this contact to tell him how you feel. Emphasise how much you appreciate the way he treated you but that you weren't emotionally ready for such a serious relationship after your last one had ended badly. Finish on the point that you miss him and would like to get back into contact with him. Offer him the opportunity to contact you in response to what you have said on the understanding that any further contact will be entirely his choice (perfectly fair as you're the one who broke up with him). The ball will then be in his court and he has to decide whether or not to respond to your efforts. If he does then perhaps you can go into deeper discussion about a potential reconciliation. If he doesn't then sadly you will have to move on, you cannot keep chasing him or missing him from afar.As for this gentleman you are currently seeing, though I wouldn't suggest breaking it off with him immediately you need to consider whether it is fair on him to continue the relationship if your feelings remain with your ex.
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reader, MCloves +, writes (26 December 2010):
Well I'm sure between however long yull dated you know where he lives/works so if i were you i would find him, i would sit him down and tell him how i feel. You have nothing to loose.
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reader, MCloves +, writes (26 December 2010):
Well I'm sure between however long you dated him, you know where he lives/works so if i were you i would find him, i would sit him down and tell him how i feel. You have nothing to lose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): Contact him and pour your heart out matter of factly. Don't lie to him or try to bamboozle him at all because he will be watching you closely. The slightest hint of old ugly ways will close his door to you permanently this last final chance around.
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reader, ljhenhmla +, writes (26 December 2010):
Sometimes in life we don't realize what we have until its gone how were you toward the guy who treated u like a queen. Why did u leave him? These are questions you have to ask yourself
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