| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Are all men obsessed with their partner's past?My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. In the beginning everything was perfect, obviously. Until he asked about my past. It wasn't wild, I made out with some guys, had crushes on others, others crushed on me... most of them were older, and sadly, since this is kind of a small city, he knows a few of them. Actually, I had a friend with benefits to whom I gave oral sex once when I was a teenager - this friend introduced me to my boyfriend a couple of years after that incident.Well, he asks and asks questions, and on some occasions I've lied because he reacts awfully to the truth. I've come clean, though. So he says I've screwed it up forever. He says he used to feel like I was the one, but not anymore, that he just hopes I'm just another girl and that he finds the one in the future. That he won't cheat on me, but if he starts going out on his own and doesn't tell me what he does, then I have no right to nag or ask, since I "owe" him for all the pain I've put him through with my past and all. He says he thought I was different, but that I was a slut.Of course this hurts a lot, but if that's his decision, then I'll respect it. I love him a lot, he is my first love (despite the fact that I may have made out or flirted or had crushes on many other guys before - he's the only one I love, and the only one I care about, but he doesn't believe it). I am quite jealous, so letting him just go out, no questions asked is tough for me, especially since I know one day he'll go out and then he'll say "look, I met someone else, goodbye". I know I'm setting up myself for heartbreak in this scenario, but I can't help it.I mean, this could be just him talking out of anger, because he's said this when he's angry about something from my past. But just today, a couple of hours prior, he was talking about stuff and saying things like "so when we live together, we will do this and that...". I'm just confused.But since he seems determined to staying with me until someone better comes along, I need to know what to do with my next relationship (I know I'll have to get over him first and be on my own, but still, I'm just 21, I'll date again in the future, right?). So, this is a question mostly for the guys. Is the past really that important? Should I disclose it when I'm just friends with a guy, sort of as a warning, be uprfont about what happened with my boyfriend and my past, just refuse to talk about it, what? The only sexual thing I did was giving oral sex to that friend with benefits when I was 15 (who was kind of my best friend at the time), the others were that I made out with some older guys I'd just met at a pub, I crushed on some guys and was kind of always talking to them, writing them letters and stuff, and this other guy who had a crush on me, who FORCED a kiss on me and I kept talking to him after that... also that I used to put pictures on myself on my blog (not provocative or anything, but he thinks still I was seeking male attention), write about my feelings, etc... I mean that happened when I was 14-17. He thinks it was slutty.So will all guys be like this? I feel like damaged goods. Like with the things I did between 14-17, I'm not a respectable girl anymore, that I should have been less flirty, needy, naive, horny, etc. So how do I do it when I meet someone else? Should I talk about the past at all? I just don't want to go through this again with another guy, if my current relationship ever ends that is... I still have hope that he'll manage to get over the anger, jealousy and pain. But one day he's all lovey-dovey and the next he says he's just with me until someone better shows up... it's so confusing, what's the truth? What should I do?He always says it's easy for me, because I already screwed up, so I have nothing to deal with, but that it's hard for him because he has to deal with the consequences of my actions, the pain, anger, etc. But he fails to realize it's harder for me too, because I have to deal with his rejection. I've tried explaining him that, but he just calls me selfish. I'm just sure that if he wasn't jealous of my past, if he wasn't suspcious that I still want all my exes or other guys better (I DON'T!!!!!), we'd have a much better relationship. I'd also wouldn't be jealous, since I wouldn't worry that whenever he's out on his own he'll find someone better (ie. with a cleaner past). If only he got over his jealousy, we'd be meant for each other... we have a lot in common, so much, it's scary! :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Disclosure of sexual past is an important issue when it comes to dating. Since he doesn't accept your past there is really no point for this relationship to continue. His feelings won't go away and it's useless to suffer for something that is beyond your control. As for the rest of the guys, well... everyone is different. That's why it's important to get these issues out of the way at the beginning of the relationship instead of living with skeletons in the closet. Also, no matter what the "modern", "liberated" women tell you, if you engage in promiscuous sex you'll have a VERY hard time finding a decent guy. That may not be politically correct but it's the damn truth. In your case it was only a bj but this guy is obviously looking for something different. Don't take it personally and move on.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 October 2009):
No, not all guys are bothered. You don't even had that much of a past! So this guy is really acting very immaturely indeed. Everyone has a past, and if he can't accept it, then you'd be better of without him. Simply say to him and althoughyou have a past, he is your present adn future. If he doensn't see reason, find another guy who will accept you as you are.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Not all guys will care, but the next time you are asked, remember it's none of their business and you needn't disclose everything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009):
There's nothing abnormal about a guy feeling twisted up because his GF has a past. I don't know how much more common this emotion would have to get before everyone finally stops thinking it's weird.
But this guy is handling his feelings like an immature jackass. He needs to either close the book on it and fully accept you the way you are, or else he needs to respectfully break up with you if he can't handle it.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 First, what you did was in the past, before your boyfriend. What he's wanting to do by going out etc. is in the present, during this relationship. Therefore, his idea of just doing whatever is absolutely inappropriate behavior.
He says you'll be together, until he finds someone else?? What is that all about. I read where you said you'd stay with him until that time comes. My first thought was, "she's gonna do what!!!" Sounds like you've been faithful to him. You love him. You're not being appropriate either if you're going to just hang out and just let him walk all over you.
So, you are NOT damaged goods. These fears of not being able to date again etc. etc. are created by his ignorance, and freaking out over some teen "experimenting." And it was not wrong for you to be flirty, or horny as a teen. He is wrong for the way he's treating you, but at the same time you're not treating yourself right by sticking around for him to go play and find someone else. If I were you, I'd say, "apparently you no longer see being with me because of this, and stated you plan on ending it shortly, so let's just save us time and heartache, I'm ending it now. You find your "the one" and I'm taking the opportunity to heal from your abusive treatment, so I may do the same."
Something I noticed, you need to work on during this, and your healing process. You need to stand up to him, and demand he treats you good, or anyone you're with in the future. You deserve to be treated good, and no one has the right not to.
You asked if all guys frown on the past. That all depends. On yours, this guy is really wrong for how he's looking at this. Jealousy is often in relationships where one has a past. This is not so much the past its self but jealousy because they shared themselves with someone else. For example, you gave your virginity to your current boyfriend, correct? That's an experience you won't be able to share with the guy who'll end up being "the one" So there may be some jealousy with not being able to go back and change. But, with most guys they know there is a possibility you've had a boyfriend in the past, so your relationship with them begins when you begin dating. Can't take back past experience, but you can start new experiences.
Let me share with you a little about my experience. I grew up in a small town. I had a child at 19, separated then married at 25. Prior to getting married I had 4 girlfriends from late teens till 25. Something that attracted me about my ex-wife at the time was, so was the only one I had dated who had not been raped at least once by the same guy. So I wasn't jealous as much as pissed. When you're with someone, like them, respect them, it's upsetting, even in the past, when someone came a long and caused them the pain that being raped does. Then the questions, since I had been friends with them before we dated, such as "Why didn't they tell me, we were friends and I would have kicked his ass and put a stop to it." We know why, realistically, because of shame, guilt and not the most pleasant subject. What I would wonder is if they couldn't tell me before when we were good friends, how could I expect them to talk to me when we were dating. So we go through different thoughts of past events in different ways for different reasons.
It comes down to, does he want you or does he not? If he does, is he willing to act proper, and stop the inappropriate talk and actions? Reading this, you're far from being a slut. You did nothing that caused his pain. He owns it, decided to look at this the way he did, and is not at all your fault for his doing so. So tell him, and be firm, "We either act like a couple or goodbye." You deserve the best, never settle for anything less.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 October 2009):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
Have a read of this - it should give you some insight into the male mentality behind why a woman's past bothers them so much.
But in your case - you have just been unfortunate to meet a complete jerk and fall in love with him. No not all men will be like him, in fact I would say the majority of men would not act or think like him at all. He sounds immature and completely selfish and irrational, I have no idea why you would even stay with a guy who is looking for "the one" whilst he is still with you! I can only think of very very nasty words for him - you can do so much better.
Basically men dont like women who have had high numbers of sexual partners - this means full sex not oral sex or the odd fumble here and there. So in your case, where there has only been kissing and oral sex, in 99% of men's eyes you will be a saint! A lot of girls by your age can be well into double figures with the number of sexual partners they have had, so for you to have only kissed a few people and had oral sex - you are a serious catch for most men out there!
Your poor excuse for a boyfriend has just dented your confidence and made you insecure about something you should actually be proud of. You havent slept around, you havent cheated on him - you have a perfect past and no-one has the right to make you feel ashamed.
When it comes to your next boyfriend (I hope you leave the current one sooner rather than later and stop wasting your time on him!) there is no need to discuss your sexual past. I believe (and many guys I have spoke to on this site about the issue agree) that you shouldnt talk about ex's and your sexual history unless asked, and then if asked you should always tell the truth. Men hate it when girls just bring up their sexual history for no apparent reason - they just see it as the girl is trying to show off about her promiscuity or she thinks she is being "cute" when actually they just dont want to hear it. There is no need to talk about the past with a new partner - the past is the past and it should be left at that, so you can focus on the present (and the future) and enjoy all the things that a new relationship promises.
You are not the one in the wrong here, your boyfriend is a complete idiot. He is looking for a girl that doesnt exist - his only option will be to look for a teenager that hasnt even had her first kiss yet and that is just wrong! You are not the one that has screwed up - he has screwed up big time by treating a great girl like you so badly. He will really regret it when he loses you and realises he wont ever find another girl like you - whereas you will find an amazing man who knows how to treat a girl properly, not by making them feel like a slut and like "damaged goods". No person on this earth has the right to make you feel like that, and no person has the right to talk to you the way he does, especially someone who is supposed to love you.
It is just disgraceful the way he treats you and I really hope you have the courage to say "enough is enough, I deserve better than this. I'm not going to be on stand-by waiting for you to leave me when you find this elusive "one". I am going to move on and find a man who knows how to treat me right". You deserve so much better, you really do. Dont waste any more time on this man - how would you feel if 2 years later he left you for another girl when you know what you know right now? You would have wasted so many years of your life on a poor excuse for a man, whereas you could have spent those years with someone who actually loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Your early 20's are when you are in your prime, they are meant to be the best years of your life. Dont throw these years away on some complete idiot who doesnt know how lucky he is.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (1 October 2009):
 You take your lovers as you find them and as they were left by others. The fact of the matter is, everyone has some kind of a past.
Some people are obsessed about who their boyfriend or girlfriend has slept with, or had any sexual activities with. Its immature and frankly shows a lack of respect for your feelings as well.
Simply put, you're with him now. If he can't accept the person that you are, and focuses too much on your past sexual activities, then he's never going to trust you enough to love you unconditionally.
That's not healthy.
All of that said, its rather obvious that most men will not be as concerned about your sexual past. A few will be and they tend to be, as I said, immature, inconsiderate and probably disrespectful of your feelings as a woman.
Frankly, to me its who you are inside, and not how many people you may have had some sort of sexual relationship with, that counts. So I would have to say from a personal point of view, its largely irrelevant unless it involves a communicable disease, but that is not an issue here.
He's foolish to hold this over you, and its likely most others will not.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (1 October 2009):
 You were a virgin when you met him right? I say let him go out and find out the past of just about all the girls out there. Geez, he'll be searching for a while to find a girl that only gave 1 bj and kissed some guys. Have him talk to his friends and inquire about their partners past sex life. I looked this site up for a previous post, check it out. http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/67216He is blowing this way out of proportion as far as I am concerned. Now, what to do at this point. The guy is definately immature. And, it is quite possible he is just blowing off steam and using childish means to obtain his 'revenge.' The fact that he actually feels justified in going out screwing other women or being with other women shows he really is not thinking too clearly. However, it does show you what you have in him... immature, insecure, childish, irrational..etc etc. I personally feel you need to be firm with him and not allow him to run all over you. And, if he can't stop and reason this out, then leave him. You'll be better off. The truth is that you did nothing wrong. None of what you did was when you two were together. Compare yourself with what the girls listed on that site have done and that will show you who you really are compared to what he is calling you. Again, demand respect instead of this bullshit. And, as far as other guys, you're past is nothing to worry about, so you can surely tell them from day 1. Be prepared for how was your current boyfriend in bed though. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): alrite here it is i know what he is saying is hurting you but if he loves you and wants to be with u he would put the past to the side trust me i know all about how he is feeling i was going out with a girl who tbh was in a gang and she had to do alot of stuff in it with a lot of guys but i got over it and wanted to be with her still. we lasted 2 years but she ended it over a lil disagreement. and if you think you should hide your past your all wrong and that stuff you did wasn't that bad. go on and find someone new if he cant forgive you that just means he really dosent see you as the one. hope this helps you out
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): First off, the guy you are with is immature. You're being forced to deal with his baggage, and he isn't even smart enough to know that he needs to keep it to himself. It's unfortunate that your first love is someone so clueless. If you read threads on DC for the last week or so, you'll find a ton of discussion on this very issue. And those threads tend to be about whether people who have had 30 partners are OK, relative to the ones who have 'only' had 15. Compared to that, one bj????
Your guy is the damaged goods. He needs to go looking for graduates of a convent, because it's quite clear that a good girl who's lived in the real world isn't for him.
Let me be quite clear about this. As long as you're comfortable that you're a human being who is on her journey, as long as you're comfortable that whatever you've done in the past was appropriate for you, that you've learned lessons and are moving on, then you are quite OK. You're "damaged goods" only if you see yourself that way. And for the life of me I can't imagine how that would be the case.
As for what you tell the next guy, you'd do well to read the threads from the last while. Personally, I think there comes a time, in high school or not long thereafter, where it simply a given that you've 'done things' with other people. It's taken for granted, and mature people don't obsess about it.
Move on, and forget this loser.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I am so sorry that you've met a guy like this. TO answer your first question, "Will all guys be like this"- the answer is a resounding NO!!!!For some reason this guy is so insecure that he needs a woman who's never had any sexual expeience, but I'm sure that he's going to want her ready to get naked and party... this is insane. You've actually had a milder "past" than most people and this guy is painting you a whore. And then he tells you that YOU'VE caused him pain... listen, if it were me I'd cause him so pain in a place that he'd remember. This guy is a total waste of your time, and I'm concerned that he's going to have a negative effect our your self image. You sound like a NORMAL healthy woman. Kick this guy to the curb and let him get out there and try to find a woman that will make him "happy"...
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