A
male
age
51-59,
*dotddot
writes:Me and my girlfriend broke up for 10 days then got back together. A few months later, I found messages from a sexual conversation she was having with a guy online. When I confronted her, she said she was just talking trash and that it happened while we were apart. I let that incident pass and them a few months later I found messages from a conversation she had with a guy online where they discussed spending time together. I confronted her again and she said that she was just flirting and joking around. She said she had no intentions on seeing him. From our argument she all but admitted that there have been other guys she has flirted online with. Should I believe that it was all innocent or should I no longer trust her and end the relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Am...You don't really forget details that explicit and sexual especially because it seems like she's actually getting off (deriving pleasure) from it. Basically cyber or real life, she's getting pleasured by another man and she's lying to your face about it. That's full blown cheating.
Can you trust her? No. Would you be justified leaving? Yes
A
male
reader, Adotddot +, writes (4 August 2010):
Adotddot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank all of you for your input. I told her that I understand about flirting and it can be harmless. I also told her that she may be joking but he may not. I explained that she may be just passing time but she is also playing with someone's emotions. Since the incident happened through facebook, I told her that he can get pissed and post their conversations on her wall so that all her friends can see. I asked her how she would expect me to react if he had done that? I told her from day 1 that if she does or says anything that she knows would make me upset, then it is wrong. I didn't say in the first message that she has flirted with many others in between the first and the last time I saw the messages. The day after I confronted her on the latest messages, I saw a chat conversation she had with an ex where he asked if her ***** was tingling and she said yes. Then she responded by asking if his "manhood" was hard. When I asked her about the chat she swore nothing like that was said. I told her that I could show her and she was ready to bet that I was wrong. She didn't think I had proof and when I showed her, her explanation was she forgot and it was nothing because they always joke like that. I don't go crazy over one incident but when there are more than a couple, I know some thing isn't right. Once again I thank everyone for their input. I basically wanted to know that if I stay would I be able to trust her or if I leave will I be justified.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): Well, she really might be 'just flirting' with those men. Without any intention to hurt you. My question is why is she flirting with them? Is she just a flirting type or is that a recent development? Women need attention, some of them more than others. Maybe she does not get enough from you? Don't come to the conclusions in your head, talk to her. Ask why was she was fliritng with them.
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A
female
reader, DazedConfused  +, writes (31 July 2010):
I agree with the below... Once trust is broken its broken....!!!! I mean you can forgive etc. But you never ever forget. The thing is if you believe you can truly forgive and let it go maybe you can try but if you can its a downward spiral.
Thats my opinion!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): I think its going to make you paranoid and insecure if you stay with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): I have had a similar experience except in My case We had not even split up. I had an experience like it years ago too and did nothing this time I ended it. I won't tell you what to do but I understand it is a difficult thing to get ones head around.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 July 2010):
 Im with Cerberus on this one...give her her wish. If she complains then let her know in no uncertain terms that she screwed up and it's her own stupid fault...
Go find yourself someone with more respect!!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (31 July 2010):
On the surface, it seems like she can't be trusted. Especially since it has happened again some months later.
However, when you go beyond the actual behaviour, it's often more a case of boredom and nothing to do with being unfaithful or even considering it.
The reason she is doing this might be that she is unsure exactly what she wants from life. She seems a bit lost somehow and very restless.
Going online can become a bit of an addition and perhaps it's like that with her. To her it's a bit of fun (in the absence of something better to do). It may mean very little to her, other than having fun. It is serving her as some kind of escape from reality. A distraction of some sort and probably nothing more.
It actually sounds like she needs more meaningful stuff in her life - like hobbies or creative pursuits.
It definitely does sound like she's bored with some part of her life right now. Even though she doesn't seem to have gone beyond flirting online and may not ever do so, it's possibly a dreamlike, fantasy thing that's not even classified as real to her.
I don't think that I would be giving up on her just yet, even though you naturally have some doubts. Quite often, these phases just pass as people realize that it does not really do anything to solve their life issues. Over a short time, she will probably tire of it altogether.
It's actually important for her (and both of you), to make your individual lives more interesting than her going online. So she will have more things to choose from and will bring her greater personal satisfaction.
Hope this helps you. Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, the lone addvicer  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 did you tell him to stop all this and still she continues with it if so than stop your relationship there and move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): If she wants to act like she's single, then you should give her her wish and make her single.
No you can't trust her, she's keeping her options open and trying out new guys. She might not have met any of them in person but doing it online is real too. She's basically doing the online equivalent of kissing and cuddling up to other guys and getting mentally intimate with them. If she's not going to go any further with these guys, then she's leading them on, which is also not exactly an admirable thing to do.
You know it's not innocent and you know you can't trust her. Our online lives are now as real as our non-online lives, cheating online is cheating. That's what she's doing.
She's also putting herself out there for other guys to romance. Which means she's putting herself in the position where she can cheat. There's every possibility one of these guys might represent and offer she can't refuse and when that happens you're in trouble.
Ditch her.
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A
female
reader, wee_neko +, writes (31 July 2010):
As someone who has experienced an almost identical situation, she wasn't just flirting. Even if she didn't intend to meet up with them to take it further than flirting, she still intended to meet them. She probably has met them.
I say end it, but good luck either way.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 July 2010):
Definitely end the relationship. A few months ago, you found those first messages, and she said that it happened when you were apart. Fair enough. But then a few months later, you find more messages, even discussing spending time together. Again, you confronted her and she claimed it was fun and they were joking. Now you know there are even more men. You can't trust this woman in the slightest. Yes, end it and move on and find a woman who will actually commit.
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