A
female
age
41-50,
*attin
writes:Hi all,I met this guy last year during a spiritual trip, and I fell for him completly. I thought he was my soulmate but then found out he was married. He seems to be in a loveless relationship. I am so willing to pursue him, and also I think that if we have feelings for each other a divorce from his part wont be so bad... sometimes we have to be selfish and more so if it has to do with soulmate or twin flame potential.I dont live in my country anymore, but I will be visiting at the end of the month. I send him a lil' message saying that it would be great to catch up. He said that I should "notify him when I get home" but to "please do not write thru these channels" meaning facebook. I dont know if he is just being polite, or if he wants to see me or if he is afraid to get caught. I guess I am willing to put myself on the line and meet him...but maybe I'm just being too positive?I appreciate your help!
View related questions:
divorce, facebook, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): If you guys are really soulmates he will never leave his wife for yo, and you would not expect him to. Soulmates understand the spiritual lessons one has to learn in this lifetime and will not break a covenant previously made just to pursue lust. If you are soulmates you will be together eventually maybe not in this lifetime though...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): OP u went to a spititual retreat and now want to become a homewrecker. is this what they taught you at the retreat??
I have gone to a few spiritual "retreats" and i can assure you that they do not teach homewrecking and adultery.
i think you need to ask for your money back.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (13 August 2011):
Posters: You know, I noticed that her question was not whether or not they should pursue this, but HOW they could pursue this. The asking person is not inquiring about the right or wrong of the matter.
To answer your actual question, I am SURE this guy wants to see you again.
But there should be no reason to hide anything, because the fact his marriage is loveless makes it OK, right?
Let his wife know. She will be happy that he is now getting the love and attention that she can no longer give him. It will allow her to be free from his lovelessness as well.
His friends will be happy for him. He finally has love in his life once more!! Yay!!
Everyone wins in this situation.
And you, being the understanding and spiritual person you are, if one day the love falls out of your relationship, will have the wisdom to know that its OK for him to pursue other women.
This, the above, is the logical analysis of his and your assertions put into the real world. The above is only true if the assertions you are making are true. Its called reductio ad absurdum, a fascinating way to argue something. Google it.
Now try working out the above with the assumption that he is NOT in a loveless relationship and/or its NOT OK with his wife that he pursues another woman and see what conclusion you come up with. I am also assuming that once you get him you want him all to yourself, right? Because that is your "justified selfishness".
Ponder how these things could or could not be.
If your conscience gets to you, I think both you and I know what the right thing to do is.
BUT, if the concepts of right and wrong mean nothing to you, then forget about my philosophical exercise and just go F++k him and enjoy yourself, because no bit of advice could stop you anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (9 August 2011):
 "Men who leave their wives and marry their mistresses; Create a Job Opening."
It's a great saying, mainly because it speaks of the character of the guy who is spinning tales in order to get some.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 August 2011):
 People who have nothing to hide...HIDE NOTHING.
Leave him alone. He is married. If he is unhappily married, that is his mess to deal with.
There is NO reason to pursue a relationship where someone would keep you their dirty little secret.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): Reality check: cheating men rarely ever leave their wives for mistress or easy lays. The odds are stacked against you. Why? He already knows you're willing to settle for a less than ideal situation. He is married and in a committed relationship (theoretically) and you have already shown him all your cards. You're initiating the contacts with the messages (discreet messages, by the way,because he doesn't want his wife to find out)and he knows that he can get sex from you without extending any commitment, or promise to you. Objectively, it's a lose-lose situation for women only. He is the only winner in this game, since he has the wife and gets to have some side action. Be realistic and use your common sense and keep away from him. If not, you'll be punished by your own actions and the negatives that will come from it.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 August 2011):
I will spare you my opinion on women who willingly pursue married men. But I can't help but wonder what kind of spiritual trip would leave your moral compass intact the way it is now. But I digress.
Let me help clear your mind:
1. If he reciprocates, what exactly have you gained? How will you know for sure this 'soulmate' will not cheat on you as he was willing to cheat and leave his wife, the one he pledged love and loyalty too? What is any kind of promise from his side worth from then on?
2. What of 'please do not contact me through these (public) channels' sounds polite to you? Don't be naive. Ofcourse he's covering up. He doesn't want to get caught. I don't want to sound condescending, but this is a no-brainer.
3. Where does the word 'selfish' fit into a sentence that contains the words 'love' and 'soulmate'?
4. Don't you wonder when you'll be the one he's referring to when talking to another woman about his "loveless marriage/relationship"? And when that happens you can't even blame him because you were the one who was willing to trample someone else in pursuit of your own needs.
Take a long hard look in the mirror and decide if you like what you see. Does this still sound like a good idea to you?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): "Seems in a loveless marriage". I love how the "loveless marriage", "terrible marriage" or "unfufilling relationship" is a common thread in these extra-marital affairs or cheating scenarios. Do these "unhappy" men/women have the same script that they all use on their potential victims? Honey, you're being duped. Even worse, he's using the age-old, "loveless marriage" BS line. He even told you not to talk to him via Facebook because he fears his wife will find out, or someone on FB would relay the message to his wife. He doesn't want anyone knowing about you because you are a complication in his marriage. He will use you for sex if he can get it and that will be it. It's not rocket-science lady.
...............................
A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (8 August 2011):
 I would say don't get involved in this. You may have fallen for him, but he is legally bound to someone else and you don't know for a fact if their marriage is loveless or if he just enjoys stepping out on his wife with other women (namely, you!).He asked you not to write him through facebook for fear of getting caught. Why would he fear getting caught? He doesn't want his wife to know anything is wrong.From what I've seen men don't normally leave their wives for the other woman, which is exactly what you would be here. Not exactly a title one would like to have. More often than not these married men will string along their lover until she can't wait any longer/he resolves things with his wife/ etc. Best case scenario, of course, is he runs away with you and you two are legitimately together, BUT remember, if you two are to get married, who is to say he won't step out on you just like he did his wife?I'm not trying to be entirely negative, I'm just saying what normally happens in these types of situations.Don't become romantically involved with him unless he gets a divorce (read: not SAYS he will get a divorce, actually gets a divorce).I'm not saying he shouldn't be with you. I'm not saying he shouldn't be with his wife. You need to make sure he doesn't have both at the same time.Please think it through. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (8 August 2011):
 "Sometimes we have to be selfish......if it has to do with a soulmate...."
"If we have feelings for one another, a divorce on his part won't be so bad......"
We have to be selfish sometimes, do we? NO, we DON'T!
Just because you desire this man, you think you have a right to pursue him, even though he is married - i.e., he promised to be faithful to his WIFE when he married her. Or have you forgotten (sounds more like conveniently overlooked) that "little" detail.
You wonder if you're being too positive, do you? Well, I can tell you this: IF you choose to chase this man what you'll be doing is abandoning the moral high ground. But you CAN choose to do the ethical thing and give up any more thoughts of him........
By the way, I am a child of divorce. I know what its like when a woman cheats on her husband - even though it occurred many years ago, when I was nine years old.
But, even if that wasn't part of my history, I would still tell you flat-out you - and this man - are entirely in the wrong should you pursue this. I can't imagine what sort of "spiritual trip" you went on that you felt it was your right to go after him........and no, you don't have to tell us!
...............................
A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (8 August 2011):
 The first few months or a year if you are in love with a married man feels like you are needed, wanted and thrilled but as months pass by, you will look for more.
Easy to say, "NO, I DON'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE HIS WIFE OR FAMILY for me or NO, I WILL NOT MAKE ANY TROUBLE AND POSSIBLE, IN A DISCREET WAY" but how long are you going to take this emotionally. How honest a woman can be to herself having relationship with a married man and that she sets up boundaries and to respect the limits of a married man?
A relationship with a married man is the most painful experience you can ever have. You know why? Because deep inside you, deep within your heart you will tell yourself...wish he can leave his wife for me and it is a great suffering you inflict on yourself. A Woman who involves herself with a married man lowers her self-esteem more. Sabotaging her self-esteem and loses self-respect.
A question here now is, are you willing to take the pain? Are you willing to face the consequences of your actions? We all know this will lead to self-destruction.
Do you still want to pursue him and lead him on to get what you want or do you just leave him alone and let him live with his family in peace and whatever emotional problems he has with his wife...let him take care of it. Don't add more injury, this will not help. If you like this person, help him up but don't lead him on and confuse him more by filling the emptiness he has in his life.
Do yourself a favor, just do the right thing of what is best for you both. If he likes you, he will come to you. Let him do the effort to come to you and accept him when he is free from his wife.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): You don't. He's married & you met him on a spiritual retreat. Thats about the tackiest thing I've ever heard someone say. Just leave him alone. Save yourselves some embarrassment.
...............................
A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (8 August 2011):
 He WILL NOT divorce anybody. He is NOT in a loveless married. He is looking for an affair. He says about Facebook because he knows his friends and wife read it. Do not fall into this trap. Please please save yourself from years of sadness.
...............................
|
