A
female
age
51-59,
*olleenmc
writes:My husband and I walked in on my 17 year old son performing oral sex on his girl friend who is 16. My husband and I disagree on what we should do. I think that we should call her parents and tell them what happened. My husband on the other hand said I should forget about it. We have talked to our son many times about safe sex and we rarely leave them unsupervised while they are at our house but I know that they are teenagers and I am not shocked that they are sexually active but I think it is my resposibility as an adult to let her parents know. I know as a mother (espically if I had a daughter) I would want to know. As a parent would or wouldnt you let her parents know?
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female
reader, SlightlyLost  +, writes (11 November 2011):
To bring a different perspective to this, I am a 16 year old girl.
Although I am not sexually active I can emathise with what is going on. From my viewpoint, telling my mother that I had been caught in a sex act would create a myriad of problems. Although we get along and she is comfortable discussing the fact that I may become sexually active, this is not a conversation that needs to come up. It will not help in any way and will create awkward situations. just continue to educate your son on sexual health and leave it at that.
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female
reader, mooh  +, writes (26 October 2011):
from the moment that you've done your parent duty: educated your son on protected sex and making the right decisions in life, let him be! up to now he's not putting his girlfriend in danger/breaking the law so the parents of the girlfriend don't need to know what happened. Mentioning the oral sex to the girlfriend's parents would probably create lots of drama and i think you would lose the trust of your son too.
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female
reader, jewelz111  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 I would
not tell her parents! ! All that is gonna do is Create hurtful feelings between both party's. And yes I have a daughter as well....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2011):
 I strongly agree it's NOT YOUR PLACE to talk to the girl's parents.
My mom walked in on me at age 16 with my boyfriend...
she said "oh excuse me" shut the door and we never spoke of it again....
well done mom!
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female
reader, lilgirly  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 don't do it
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male
reader, landomando +, writes (2 October 2011):
I am not a parent but dont be the lame parent, be the cool parent!! Bye telling your sons girlfriends parents what happed your son is going to hate you and not tell you anything. He is going to hide stuff from you and you. Forget about it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): Out of respect for your son then I agree, with those who have said the same, that the ONLY person you have a right to discuss this with is your son. And IN private without his girlfriend present. You have no right to alienate his girlfriend from him. And definitely NO right to betray the trust of yoru son and embarrass his 16 year old girlfriend.Under no circumstances would I contact the girl's parents, nor discuss it with anyone else but my husband, and then in private.In fact I would not even discuss it with a 17 year old son. The sex life of a 17 year old son should remain private from his mother. As long as he practices 'safe sex' then that is the major consideration. And as long as it is not an exploititive nor abusive sexual relationship - - NEITHER of which apply to these loving 17 and 16 year old lovers.I would respect that a 17 year old son is in a relationship with a 16 year old girl who he cares for. Cares enough to keep her safe and act responsibly with. And leave it at that. A Mom should never just walk in on her son. Teen son's bedroom doors are invariably closed. Knocking before entering is a respect thing.You son will never forgive you if you meddle in this. Your son is 17 and his girlfriend is 16. They are not little children. They need you to respect their privacy. They are also legally able to do what they are doing. And they are in a relationship. Please respect that fact.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (1 October 2011):
 The ONLY person you need to be talking to is your son.
Discuss all your reasons of concern in a calm manner. Health, emotional, consequences, etc. Whatever you feel is really important.
Discuss respect. If you do not want him having sex with his gf in YOUR home. Say so and make that absolutely clear.
For God's sake, KNOCK on a bedroom door. Even if he is alone. Yes, it is your house, but you teach others to respect you by emulating it yourself.
Teenagers are going to experiment. Make sure they are well informed while they make those choices.
No, you should not talk to her parents, but you could talk to her about what you expect from them as a couple while the two of them are minors.
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (1 October 2011):
 I have daughters who are 16 and 18, and no, I'm quite sure I wouldn't want to get that call from their boyfriend's parents. I've had my chance to let them know what our views are about sex. They are launched into the world now armed as best I can arm them. As long as the act was consensual there's no issue.
As an aside, that's not to say that I like it. While I know intellectually that success and happiness in life include an enjoyable sex life, emotionally I quietly scream "not yet!" So then I ask myself "when?" We have a cousin who lived with her parents well into her 30s who was a bitter and unpleasant woman. Somehow she met a guy and moved in with him, and has blossomed. If 16 is too early, and 35 is too late, when? Of course it depends on the kid.
FWIW, I commend your concern. Good luck.
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male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (1 October 2011):
If you want your son to detest you for the rest of your life, go ahead.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (1 October 2011):
 I have kids 22 and 19. It is safe to say that most young people are going to experiment sexually to some extent. Her parents might have the same assumption. What are you hoping to accomplish by informing them of this? Are you surprized by what you saw? Do you think by telling them it won't happen again? It is normal behaviour. Safe sex is most important. I think the only issue here is you happened to catch them and feel a confused sense of obligation to fix it. The only way her parents could fix it would be to lock her up. This is an awkward situation at an awkward age. It is the beginning of the age where we arm our kids with the best information we can and hope they hear what we have to say.
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male
reader, Moonknight +, writes (1 October 2011):
 No disrespect to you as a parent but i am shocked at the thought you actually think spreading this young girl sexual activity all over the world is the right thing to do, and yes, you will be spreading it all over the world as her world revolves around her parents/home and yours, two very important homes.What woman likes her sexual activity spread around and talked about with and without her knowledge?? scrap the idea right away before you tear a hole into this young girl sex life leaving her with a twisted view of sex.You have no idea if this is there first time or how they got to do it, they could just be trying and seeing if their relationship is ready for such a thing, maybe not, but it would have been there choice, with you making the choice to tell her parents you are directly suggesting she's having full blown sex and totally 100% ready for all that when it isn't the case.Think about this very carefully what do you expect to achieve from this situation with your choice?You say you know as a parent if you had a daughter you'd want to know... okay cool, now think if you was the daughter, would YOU want your parents finding out from your boyfriend parents? think about how they would take it in, they would totally act like parents do and that is ignore the "oral" part and say "You had sex with a boy in someone else's house?" see how that makes her feel and look?The correct thing to do as any worried parents would should do, is speak to them both about safe sex, make no reference to their sexual acts whats so ever, because no matter how you look at it, them being kids or adults it is none of your business and you need to respect that. Once you have spoken to them respectfully about safe sex, leave it at that, do not drag it out and make them feel isolated, if they have questions or concerned they will feel that they can confine in you as a parent.If you don't respect them that way, you run the risk of them having unprotected sex outside of your home away from you behind your back without your knowledge on a daily basis, and there is nothing you can do about that, because the harder you try at this point the more you will isolate them from ever trusting you.I understand your concern as a parent however you need to understand that young people are growing up much faster than people your age or even my age did, and therefore will learn and adopt to life faster. (I personally feel that you are the one not adopting to changes and seeing they are at this age and you should give them more privacy)Do not blow this out of proportion you will regret it. there are many post on here of young people parents doing exactly the same thing you are talking about, find these post hunt them down and read how destroyed it leaves these young people!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): No, no, no.They are legally allowed to engage in sexual acts.If you don't want them having any kind of sex in your house, fair enough if you make that clear.If they break this rule then you have every right to be angry and to be firmer with them in future.But you have no right to interfere with the girl's relationship with her parents. She is sixteen, it is therefore her decision. If she was 15, different story, but you stand to look like an interfering mother who can't accept that her son is sexually active -- even though you say you have accepted this, you clearly haven't, because what you witnessed is part of it.Your husband is right on this one.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2011):
 No I think it's ok to trust your son, I would however re-tell him to be safe.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 October 2011):
 I too am on the fence about whether to call the girl's parents. I can see the pros and cons of it and I only very slightly agree with your husband -- mostly because it avoids drama and possible conflict. I suspect if you want to break up your son's relationship with his girlfriend, this may be the best route -- but your son will always hold you responsible for it.
The person you NEED to talk to, however, is your son. A lot of young adults think oral sex is safe, but it can transmit many diseases, including HPV and HIV. Also, he needs to learn that that behavior won't be tolerated around the house (if applicable) and that pregnancy is a serious issue. Hopefully, he has learned that there is only "safer" sex, not safe sex and that condoms are a must-have at his age and even they aren't guaranteed to work 100% of the time. You also need to talk openly about a what if situation: what if his girlfriend becomes pregnant.
Ultimately, kids are gonna fool around -- whether its in the back seat of a car or at a party or what not. They just need to be armed with the fact that the behavior they are engaging in could have lifetime consequences. In my opinion, by discussing those consequences ahead of time, they can usually be prevented from happening in the first place.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): Why didnt you knock on the door first,if they were in a bedroom that is ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): Stay out of it. You probably would NOT want to know what your child is doing in bed with their SO despite what you say. Worst case scenario is the parents are horrified, forbid daughter from seeing your son, your son gets mad at you, etc all over something that is completely legal and not the least bit unorthodox.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): No I would not let her parents know. She is at the age of consent, so therefore the law states it is none of anyone's business, even parents. You will be the one who is hated by your son and his girlfriend. It is their business, and although you may feel that as a parent you would want to know, the law states that you do not have a right to know and neither do her parents. My brother's wife did this to her son and his girlfriend when she found them even though they were legal, her son and his girlfriend are now married, and he has nothing to do with his mother at all, he doesn't trust her, and believes that she is a controlling woman who can't mind her own business and can't accept that she has no right to interfer in his life even though he is over the age of consent (it is sad but that it is the way it is with them). Please don't do this to your son, and make a mess of the relationship that you have with him, and as for his girlfriend you have absolutely no right to interfer with her life and cause trouble between her and her parents, you will be the bad guy in this, and even if you don't agree with the fact that they are sexually active, they are not doing anything against the law and it is NOBODY"S business except their's so please stay out of it. I know that as a parent it is hard, but are you willing to risk losing your son's respect and trust because you can't handle that they are legally allowed to consent to this in their relationship.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 October 2011):
I'm not a parent. I do know this though - the legal age of consent in Canada is 16. Therefore neither were breaking the law. On top of that, if you said something and her parents suddenly turned against your son, your son would seriously turn against you. And he'd be right to, because he and she haven't broken the law and in the end, what they do sexually is legal and therefore not really your business. You risk making a real mess out of this. I don't think your son would ever trust you again with anything if you told them what happened. And if you did and her parents stopped them seeing each other, then you'd have destroyed a relationship. I don't think anything needs to be said.
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