A
female
age
36-40,
*ornoutmommy
writes:He wants to take a break. He's already made plans with a co-worker to find a new place for both of them, which implies signing a lease and agreeing to contribute to another household. I'm 7months preggo and I haven't been the easiest to get along with. However, he has been 'pulling away' from the relationship ever since I found out I was preggo. We had both really wanted to have a baby, so his reaction and behavior has really thrown me for a loop. Now he says that he needs a break because of the way I'm always angry and never happy. I have been happy, he just doesn't see it. And I've only gotten more angry because he's been spending more and more time away from home. He said that he wants me to get some help and therapy while we're apart and try to make myself better. I do agree that I have some things to work on, but I want to work on these things with him- I want to do couple's therapy vs individual. Thing is, I have made a lot of changes in my behavior and attitude towards the relationship in the past year and a half, but he still treats me like I am still the person from a few years ago. If he can't realize the positive changes I've made for this to work already, how is he going to notice personal emotional changes during a break? I told him that I don't believe in 'taking a break' during a relationship and that it is either stay to work on things or done. He says that I'm not being fair and not giving him the space he needs. He works o/n and has been going to a friend's house or working out after work. He'll be home for maybe an hour before I go to work and when we are both home, he is usually sleeping or in the shower- so we haven't actually been in each other's space anyway. We've stopped talking, he never asks how the baby is doing or about doc apts. I'm in the last week of classes to earn my bachelor's degree and he hasn't asked how I feel about being done or how classes are going. I haven't been able to eat or sleep the past couple days, and really don't know how I'm going to do all this on my own. I signed a contract for deed on a place that I can't afford on my own- I did so because we both wanted a stable place to raise our family (long before I was pregnant). Has anyone else 'taken a break' and had it actually work? Is he just trying to break it to me gently? How can I tell if he actually wants to work on trying to save our relationship if the only thing he's consumed with thinking about is how horrible I am and what apartment to get with his friend? I've tried talking to him, but I have to initiate the conversations. Otherwise he just stays in the bedroom with the door shut. I just don't know what to do here.
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female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (25 February 2011):
wornoutmommy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, he came home from work this morning and told me that he isn't leaving and will go to couple's therapy with me; that he loves me and wants to make this work. He also said he needs some time away, and he left to go help his friend look for apartments and then will be going out to red lobster and then the casino tomorrow- and that his friend took money out of his 401k and has a suprise for him. I'm not sure what to make of this. I understand his need for time away, but I haven't smothered him. But I know that if I needed the same amount of time and told him that my friend was buying me all this stuff that he'd be pissed. Also, I just finished the last of my classes for my bachelors degree- he doesn't even know. I've been so excited for the past three weeks about being done, and I get to spend that excitement home alone cleaning all weekend. I didn't mention anything to him before he left because I didn't want to make him feel guilty, but it should have been him taking me to red lobster to celebrate me being a graduate finally- I've worked really hard on this.
A
female
reader, babu3u +, writes (25 February 2011):
 I believe that right now your main focus should be your child. Is hard doing this by yourself, and I cant believe your boyfriend is being so selfish and immature. Let him be, give him his space and you go on with your daily routine. And while you are on this break try to see if this man is really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Someone who right now you need him the most and he is not even there.
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (25 February 2011):
wornoutmommy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have already been looking at what social services can do to set up child support- as I've needed to get medical help in the first place :-/ Most of the info that they require will be at birth, with the birth certificate and such. I just need to make sure to jot down his SS# before he leaves...I'm not denying that I need therapeutic help, we honestly both do because of past issues/relationships... but when he finally broke down to go to therapy I stood by him to help him. He can't do the same for me. And this isn't his first child (or mine), we had both been married previously. Yes, this is a really big messed up dish... but we had it working so well! Or so I thought. He came out to dinner and to a movie tonight (my eldest's b-day) and I gave him a hug/kiss before he went to work- telling him that I love him. I really do, and most may think I'm a sucker- but I'm not a dummy. CaringGuy, I agree that he needs a kick in the ass, and I need a heavy duty punching bag right now! But he has been acting like a little boy this entire relationship. He told me how much he wanted to have a stable dependable family (he's never had one) and I tamed myself down (I needed to) and created that stable dependable family for him. Now he either is gone, at work, playing xbox or sleeping. I don't know if either of us are suitable partners anymore- but I do know that I'm not the only one that needs to 'seek help' in order to make this work.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (24 February 2011):
 If you leave him - as he so richly deserves - you must make absolutely certain that he pays child support - even though this will be something he'll have to do for many years to come.
Please, go see a lawyer - or begin with talking to a social worker - to see what your options are.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this......
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 100% agree with caring guy on this one
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 February 2011):
I've never heard of a break working in a situation like this. Breaks, I think, work more for couples who have been together for a long time (15 years plus). They never really work for couples who haven't been together for that long.
My theory about this, is your boyfriend isn't ready to face up to responsibilities. Any man will know that a pregnant woman is like one walking hormone bomb! And the right guy will stay by your side. As it is, your boyfriend has pulled away and is shying away from his responsibilities. He's even gone so far as to say YOU are the one who needs therapy. I'll tell you, if you went to a therapist and said that your boyfriend told you that you needed help, they would tell you that it's your pregnancy causing your temperament, and they would say your boyfriend needs to man up! You simply don't need psychological help - at all.
He needs a damned kick up the ass! Since you can't give that to him without him acting like a teenager, I would suggest thinking VERY carefully about whether you can trust a man like this to be there for you. If he's willing to act this way whilst you're pregnant, then what else will he do?
Is this man really going to make a suitable partner? Think carefully, because to me, he's a little boy who hasn't got the mental capacity to face up to his responsibilities.
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