A
male
age
51-59,
*ovedbyablackheart
writes:I was bereaved 15 weeks ago. My son died in a fatal car crash. My girlfriend and i had a petty row and she walked out on me. I asked her not to go because i had shouted at her. I was bang out of order. My emotions were all over and i was dreading my birthday the following day because my son had only been dead for 8 weeks and i didn't want to celebrate. My girlfriend had booked a family meal at a restaurant for about 12 family and friends. i didn't want to go because i was still crying everyday and was dreading the guilt of celebration when i didn't have anything to celebrate. I know i was so wrong to raise my voice. She had been drinking and was way over the limit to drive. When she wouldn't stay i begged her to not make her daughter get in the car. She could stay with me for the night. Although my son had just died in car crash she made her daughter get in the car. She didn't contact me for 9 days. She didn't call or text me on my birthday and the meal was cancelled. She didn't contact me for 9 days. after the text it was a further 8 days before the next text. 7 weeks later she sent me a text saying that she loved me. I was so shocked at the text. I had been left alone and lonely without anyone to cry to and hug and feel wanted. I was 3 months into grieving the loss of my son and she had ignored me for half of that time. During the first week that she left me, i was so lonely and useless that i wanted to die. I didn't tell anyone how i felt. I didn't want to be on suicide watch. My girlfriend contacted me and i told her how she had made me feel. She wanted an apology from me for shouting. She made me want to die and left me on my own and she wanted an apology. Now she tells me that she loves me and wants everything to be ok for us to become a couple again. Can i forgive her???. There has been a lot of loneliness in my life for a long time. My girlfriend always wanted to live in her own house and didn't want to live with me until her daughter has grown up. My girlfriend has never socialised with me and in our 7 years together i have never ever been invited to socialise with her friends. She socialises privately and has not invited me to socialise with them even on a night down town when other couples are going. On the last occassion she said that she didn't invite me because she didn't think i would want to go as i don't like pubs. She also admitted that she has more fun without me. She has never refused an invite from a friend to socialise without me. She left me alone at home on saturday night to have a night in with her friend. The following saturday i was invited out but she didn't want me to go because saturday night was always our night and last week was just a one off. My Questions are...can i forgive her for not supporting me whilst i was at the very bottom of low.?....Can i face the prospect of lonely in a relationship or am i better being lonely without the ties of a relationship.?My life is changing very fast and i have socialised every day with friends for the last 3 weeks. I have recieved masses of support from friends and i have not been lonely. Do i forgive and try to fall back in love with her or do i continue to rebuild my broken life and continue to have fun without guilt with friends and just wait for Mrs right to come along. Please help. sorry for the essay but if i deal with this then i can get on with grieving for my son.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (8 December 2012):
Ah, sorry OP. I missed your follow-up by accident. My internet connection is very slow at the moment. Yes, your girlfriend was a user and I'm happy you're recognizing that, as painful as it may be. I wish you the best and I hope you'll find someone who will love you unconditionally, like a true partner should.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 December 2012):
Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a person. That's why I'm very surprised your girlfriend turned this whole situation around and made it about her and her feelings. She has to be a special brand of selfish to do that.
We all have our lesser moments. When my friend got raped and ended up pregnant by the guy who did it, she was a mess and lashed out to me quite a few times to vent her anger. I didn't let her walk over me, but I didn't let my feelings get hurt either. I knew she wasn't really angry with me, she was just dealing with her situation and I was there beside her the entire way. We're still very good friends 8 years later.
What I'm trying to say is that your girlfriend lacks the basic social skills and emotional intelligence of a rational person. She doesn't love you, not really, and I wonder if there has ever been anyone who she felt strongly enough about to set aside her own ego. In your shoes I would not forgive her and I would not want to consider her my girlfriend after how she abandoned you when you needed her the most. Her behavior, quite frankly, is despicable.
This may seem bad of me to say, but consider this a blessing in disguise: you now know what she's really like: not worthy of your love. A girlfriend should have been by your side, supporting you, loving you. That's what people do when they truly love one another.
Try to surround yourself with people who do care about you: friends, family, anyone. Try to distract yourself a bit by getting out there and doing things again, like hobbies, sports, etc. Get a counsellor if need be to help you with this. In any case your son would be proud to have a father who loved and cared for him so much. Not every child knows what it's like to be cherished.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): I feel very sorry for the loss of your son...I know exactly how sad you feel because I'm in the same boat right now. My grandpa is in the hospital right now; he's very sick. Doctor said he can pass away any time. During this time, I feel very lonely, very sad and my emotion is messeup. I hope my boyfriend knows how I feel right now and gives me a hug, support me and share with me the difficulites I've been going through, but it's impossible. He's acting like nothing's happened! No caring, no supporting, nothing and nothing.Come back to your story, when I read your post, there's one thing that stuck in my mind was that your girlfriend admitted she had more fun without you. If she truly loved you, she'd never feel like that. I know you still love her, but I truly think you should move on. And I should move on in my situation. Life is short, find someone that doesn't make you starve for affection, attention, caring, loving, and esp doesn't leave you when need them!Take care!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 December 2012):
I am very sorry for your loss.
On the other hand, the small silver lining that came out of it is that your gf showed what a selfish, heartless, self-centered "all about me" witch that she is. It times like this when our sig other plays some of the biggest roles in our lives. When we're down, they pick us up. You just lost your son - I cannot imagine what thats like. You needed her support, and all she could think about is herself and "how you spoke to her."
Please, for the love of God, dump this parasite at once.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 December 2012):
 Aw sweetie..I truly am so sorry for what is going on in your life right now. You will never forget your son but hopefully in time it won't be that gut wrenching sadness that you feel right now. Just take your life day by day and surround yourself with people that care about you. Please make sure that during the holidays you are not alone because this first Christmas is going to be really rough. I'm sure you dont feel like being at a party but just be with people who love you, support you and that you can lean on. The pain never will go completely away, but it time you will be able to look back on your life with your son and smile at the good times. Please remember to take care of yourself and know that there is a woman out there for you that would treat you with love and respect. I wish you all the best in this very difficult time.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 December 2012):
 Aww bless your heart. Your story and update has brought a tear to my eye.
I think that what is amazing is that despite your grief you have had the strength to face up to the fact that your relationship was damaging, so many other people would have used it as a crutch, so you deserve props for that.
The end of this year will be difficult for you, there is something very tangible about losing someone so close (and in your case, so young) and not wishing to begin a new year without them joining you (I always find that very poignant and sad). But new years bring new horizons and by shaking yourself free of a bad relationship you have allowed yourself time for reflection and pastures new whilst carrying foward the sweet memory of your son...and you can grieve in the way you see fit without any pressure from demanding people.
I hope the new year brings you peace, new pathways and your pain gives way to beautiful memories so you can move foward and find love again.
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A
male
reader, lovedbyablackheart +, writes (7 December 2012):
lovedbyablackheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers. I have struggled so much with the loss of my son and i know that it won't get easier for a long time. All your responses helped me deal with my situation with my ex. I sent her an email with my feelings written. Her reply was not satisfactory. She had constantly told her friends that she loved living on her own and she wouldn't have it any other way. Her email response mentioned that she wanted to settle down because her daughter is growing up. She has mentioned to me that when her tax credit runs out she won't be able live. I interpretate this as as i want to move in with you when my tax credit runs out. I had waited too long.....i spent a month pondering my life over the last 5 years and realised that she was everything that was wrong in my life before my son died. I had stuck with her for 5 years and put up with her behaviour because i loved her. She couldn't support me longer than 8 weeks when I needed her. I have decided to put her outside my life and she is not welcomed into the new life that i now have to build after my son died. I now see her for what she really is. I would swap places with almost anyone to take away my sadness of loss. But i would not swap places with my ex as she is such a black hearted person who is uncapable of being loved. I would rather be myself and grieve my son than be her. Thankyou all for your comments and i am sure that one day i will find peace and love. XXX
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A
male
reader, shotover +, writes (16 October 2012):
My condolences for your loss. I know this is a tough time period for you, and ever fiber of your body is telling you to stay with this woman because the past that you share and the fear of being alone, but you are asking this question on this site because it requires resolution. As such, any "good" advice here will likely be contrary to what you want to do. However, the correct thing to do here is to express your feelings to this woman (this will giver her a chance to rectify her actions and for you to observe her response).If her response is not satisfactory - that is, if she is dismissive, argumentative, and refuses to accommodate your needs during this difficult time, then you need to leave. By not acknowledging how hard it is to suffer loss, and to ignore your needs while you are at a low point, she demonstrates her lack of commitment.A committed man/woman would be there in the pits of hell with their significant other. If you find yourself alone, then she has revealed her character.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): Just dump her and you deserve better. I am extremely sorry about your son. Take care...
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (15 October 2012):
 I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I think you will be more lonely with her, than without her. I would not waste another minute of your life on her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 I think you are better off being lonely without the ties of a relationship with this particular woman.
She gets drunk and insists for driving her own daugher home ? How irresponsible. It makes me think that's basically the reason why she does not invite you out to join her and her friends- " You don't like pubs " and " I can have more fun on my own " .. is probably the translation of " I am an irresponsible lush who makes a drunken spectacle of myself when I go out, and if you are not around I don't have to use any self restraint and be sure to preserve a minimum of dignity ".
Also, who throws a tantrum because a bereaved father does not feel like having a birthday celebration two weeks after the loss of his son ?... Who cares if invitations have been sent out already, would have she felt like going out partying if this had been her own daugher ?? ( Well, maybe yes, since she seems to be very fond of her bottle, so maybe that 's the way she'd deal with grief- but you don't , and she should have enough common sense to realize that ).
I am astonished because she seems not to have any idea of what goes through the mind of a parent who loses a child, and while if she were childless she might perhaps be justifiable, she IS a parent and has no excuses. She must know that THAT was not the moment to sulk and do the " Oh so I am not a priority for you" thing . What an insensitive , selfish diva . Mind you, technically you were wrong anyway to yell at her , because our personal troubles are not an official license to mistreat people, so I understand she may have felt an apology was in order regardless of your situation.
But,regardless of this communication misshap, she really sounds like someone you really can do without.
Look forward, and best of luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 October 2012):
She probably thinks that because three months have passed since the loss of your son that you are over it.
You are going through hell and she couldn't stand by you?
Even asking for an apology from you is cruel and wrong because evn though you did shout at her, there are few people who wouldn't feel like shouting under such a stressful situation.
She made the situation so much worse for you and in my book that is unforgiveable.
You obviously have good friends around you who will support you whilst you go through your grief. I would much rather have them than a nagging, selfish, uncaring girlfriend who will continue to impose time limits on your grief.
If you were my man and something like that happened, I would allow you as much time as you needed and been a shoulder to cry on, not acted like a selfish brat who stormed off.
Shame on her and I truly hope you come through this and find peace again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): Yes forgive her, not for her but for you and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): Sorry for your loss and I know exactly what you're going thru because my son's girlfriend beat him to death, it wasn't like my son died but his life was taken all because she was selfish.
If I were you I wouldn't want anything to do with her, you got friends that has been more support than your selfish girlfriend. I would block her number, you already going thru enough without her BS.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 I don't think you should waste another minute on her. She has proven time and again that she's not that into, by her constantly excluding you from her outings. She is also shallow and insensitive in my books, by basically abandoning you and using the excuse that you yelled at her to stay away for weeks. She sounds very immature and perhaps incapable of a really deep relationship with anyone. You would be wise to dump her and move on. There are plenty of other, loving supportive women to spend your time with. And you'll get alot more from them in return. So sorry for your loss.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 I am so sorry for your loss. You are living a parent's nightmare.
Even if people don't know how to manage grief, even if they don't know what to say, most can at least figure out how not to make things worse. Except, apparently, this woman.
Personally I think the older we get the more latitude we have to choose who will be in our lives. We can choose the people who build us up, who add positive energy, who somehow make treading the path easier. On the basis of your post, that wouldn't seem to describe this woman. Why go back to a relationship that's proven so unsatisfactory? Why not accept the chance of a bit of loneliness now, leaving you open to the possibility that someone much better will come along down the road?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 October 2012):
First of all, I'd like to express my sympathy in the loss of your son. What you experienced has to be the very worst thing that a parent can go through. I'm so sorry. When you have experienced such an incredible loss, the pain is overwhelming and you'd like to think that the person you love will be there for you to comfort you and bolster you. Your girlfriend just walked away and left you all alone...it was like adding insult to injury. You needed her and she just left you to fend for yourself. I'm happy that you found the strength to go forward. Sweetie, you've already been about as low as you can go and you made it without her. You don't need her. You can't trust her. She seems to only be around for the good times. That isn't what a relationship is all about. I personally could forgive but never never forget if my special someone left me at my darkest hour. I just would never be able to trust them again. My advice is to leave the relationship. Who wants a partner that only wants to be around when the going is good and bolts at the first sign of bad times?? Who needs that? Think about it very carefully. I'd say you're better off without her. I wish you all the best, please take care.
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (14 October 2012):
 It doesn't sound like she was supportive at all, no.I would suggest listening to your feelings about whether or not you want her back in your life, but if you do go slowly. I think it's great that you've been socialising with friends, so continue to focus on that, and healing. And be open to the possibility that someone else might come along.You've endured the last seven weeks alone without her, so you've proved to yourself that you don't need her, that you can get by without her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2012): wow, i cannot sympathise enough for you.You've had to go through what no parent should have to go though.Im a parent myself, and cannot imagine how you would get through something like that. so hats off to you for staying as strong as you are!You truly are an amazing person. And by the sounds of it, you have some amazing friends and family.You dont need this girlfriend. she is immature and selfish.You do not need to forgive her at all.Her actions do not deserve forgivness, she cannot expect you to snap out of grieving and to celebrate anything so soon after you lost your son. I dont even think a year is long enough to grieve after a child. And for her to be so reckless as to put her own child in a car after shed been drinking is irresponsible and bad parenting and selfishness in itself.Who on earth would even want to tolerate this selfish uncaring unnurturing rat bag of a woman!? If i were you, id rather be happy and content being single with your friends and family, than to be unhappy and miserable in this toxic relationship.I really do wish you all the best in life, and hope things get better for youIts so unconsolable dealing with someone whos lost a child, but if it helps, il bet hes right by your side with love.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 October 2012):
 You can feel more alone with the wrong person. She lacks the sensitivity to a person in distress. She doesn't understand why a person has to grieve. This is more than just lifestyle incompatability. She is selfish and only wants things to go her way. We support our partners through thick and thin and I really think she failed that.
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