A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have had a friend for over 8 years now. There has always been an attraction between us we have never acted on it. We never really discussed age etc it was never an issue. I knew he was older than me (he is a young looking active attractive man)but never by how much. We have remained great and loyal friends. Lately those feelings between have grown into a deep connection and we have formed a strong relationship. I would not say we are dating etc, we choose not to define what is going on between us. There is a deep emotional connection between us, we spend most fo our time together, we have never had sex. Recently the feelings have become strong to the point my friend felt that we needed to have a discussion about what was going on. At that point I found out he was 20 years older than I was. He admitted that he loved me very much and the relationship and connection we have is great. We are both established and I have a successful career and steady life. Maturity is not an issue. Our feelings for each other are mutual. He admitted he would love to have a relationship but he cannot get over the age differece. He said its something that he is just not ok with or comfrotable. Despite our connection and feelings ge just cannot seem to get over the age issue and committ. I am completely comfortable with the age situation, i have always dated older men. Is he using this as a reason not to cmmitt or can someone jsut really be that insecure? Is it his insecurities about his age that keep us apart? Is there something I can do to make this situation work. This truly is the eprfect connection and perfect pair. Is there some way to make him see that this is a great match or should I just walk away.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I think EVERYBODY would/should be concerned about a 20 years age difference . Some people decide that the pros in the relationship outweigh the cons ( age difference ) and some don't- it's a very individual decision .
It's a platitude to say " age is just a number ", it is a number that has a relevance and might create problems in the long run , of course all problems can be solved with strong committment and determination, but committment and determination are not something that you can demand from everybody as your birth right.
He might be concerned about your future sex lives ,for instance. A men in his 70's , if he is not inclined to stuff himself with Viagra, won't be exactly a volcano of passion in the best cases, while a woman in her 50's can still be VERY active ,demanding and frisky ( no, don't believe that bullshit about menopause ,for many women sex drive actualy increases around that stage ).
Or , a man in is 80s is generally in worse shape ,healthwise, than a woman in her 60's.-Maybe he is concerned that you'd end up being his nurse and pushing his weelchair.
I cannot know exactly what he has in mind- and neither can you, if you don't ask him- but surely if he has concerns about your ages, you can't just dismiss them as "excuses".
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (10 June 2011):
He might be uncomfortable, because it is a risk for both of you. He might be insecure thinking about what you will want when you are 45 and he is 65, as someone already mentioned. You mention he isn't comfortable with the age difference, but you don't mention what it is about the age difference that he is not comfortable about. What does the age difference mean to him, what are the reasons that the age difference means you can't be toghether. He needs to spell them out to you, and there might be other things you are not aware of possbily. Also, he might just be testing you. He might not be prepared to try it unless he knows you are 100% ok with the age difference, 100% happy to take the risk, and 100% aware of what things might be like in 15 years time. Have you spelt it out to him?
What would happen if you told him the following:
This is the perfect connection, we are the perfect pair, I am attracted to you, we have a deep emotional connection and great relationship. I want to be with you. I know the age difference, I know the risks, I know it would take a little getting used to. Its what I want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): I can't think of why he would worry... it seems like there are really no other issues between you. You need to maybe talk to him more about it?
But ultimately you cannot force him if he has his mind set.
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A
female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (10 June 2011):
As I read your letter, it was as though you were trying to convince yourself that this guy was "the One" for you but older. You say he is a friend of 8 years and you have not acted on your attraction for each other. Something is amiss here in my book but what I cannot say. My suggestion is to move on in your life.
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A
male
reader, wantspaintogoaway +, writes (9 June 2011):
 I think you can girl. what is age? its just a number. I dont have to pass algebra to see that. I say you can make him see that. and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 It is difficult to say whether you should walk away.
You're a young woman and you're approaching your prime, while he knows he is "not getting younger". He must know that you are fine with him now, but maybe wonders what will happen when he is 65 and you're 45. Because he will be an old man twenty years before you get there, and he might be afraid of what will happen then.
I don't think he wants to avoid a commitment.
It might well be that you won't mind his being 70 when you're 50. But he doesn't know that for sure.
As with any relationship, whatever the age, if one of the parties feels he is better off not closing the deal, there is little the other party can do.
Maybe you can work this out.
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (9 June 2011):
 If you hadn't been friends with him for 8 years, my first question would be, are you sure he isn't married. I assume you would have discovered that by now.
I cannot imagine what other reasons he would have for being insecure about a younger lady.
Is it possible he has some sexual issues and that might be what is bothering him?
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