A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for the past year and recently he's asked me about having a threesome. I'm secure with myself and my sexuality. I'm also confident in our relationship. I've just heard alot of horror stories that follow a threesome and I don't want us to fall victim to them. He's explained his reasoning for wanting to do it. He believes that it will bring us closer and wants to try because neither of us have done it. I'm leaning toward the idea. Is this wrong?
View related questions:
threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 September 2013):
 OP first you say (and ask): "I'm leaning towards the idea? Is it wrong"
and then you update us with the fact that your mind is made up and you are going to do it.
So here is my take on this. YOU KNEW you wanted to do it which is fine. YOU knew you were going to do it which is fine... what you want is APPROVAL to do it... you don't NEED our approval or anyone else's. You need a comfort level with it. That is not something we here can give you.
As a bisexual woman I can tell you I love a good threesome.
It does NOT bring me closer to my partner. It does not leave me jealous or lacking or wanting... it is what it is.
So if you TRY it... and you don't like it... and he asks AGAIN... then what?
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 Let us know how it goes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 September 2013):
 OP if your mind is made up, I question why you asked for advise? I'm not expecting you to answer that, but just reflect.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 September 2013):
 Earlier today you were "leaning toward the idea" now you've made your mind up. I hope it wasn't anything any of us said that convinced you because I think you'll regret this decision.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the advice and personal thoughts. I have been considering doing this because like him this is something that I have wanted to try. I don't mind it being a women, to be frank I would rather it be with a women instead of a man. As far as him stating that it would make us become closer as far as what our limits are with each other, knowing exactly what turns each other on so on and so forth. If this damages our 1 year relationship, I will understand and know that this isn't something that I will not try in the future. I don't believe that we are trying this because I am not solely enough for him. If that is his reasoning for wanting to do this I don't see why he would want to include me in this rather than simply just move on all together. We have discussed this not being something that we indulge in often but something that at 25 and 29 we would like to try. I understand that everyone has opinions and wont agree with me but I believe that my mind is made up. You know when you can do certain things with certain people, these are my choices.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): I think a threesome is a good idea for maybe (MAYBE) 4% of couples. What traits do these couples have? --they are completely, one million percent dedicated to each other, and they trust each other with their lives. --they are each utterly secure in themselves, and petty jealous words that typify most couples have never passed their lips --they do not subscribe to the notion, that I see so often on this site, that once you're a couple you somehow "own" the other person's feelings, thoughts, and actions. It is extremely, extremely rare for a couple to reach the level of emotional maturity needed to carry out a threesome without weirdness, bullshit, and nuclear fallout. My fiance and I have talked about the potential for it (it would be a man, he says, for my sake), and we both agree that we're not there yet, and may never be there. We both know those rare couples that are, and I commend them. The key is being real with where you are, and not afraid to talk to your partner about it. .) If he suggests a woman and says definitely no man, I would be very wary...this is the dude's way of getting more ***** without sneaking around on you. .) If you go along with this only to make him happy, I promise you will end up feeling cheated on and miserable. .) Respect yourself and him...stand up for what you feel and believe in! If you're ambivalent, talk about your ambivalence with him...Good luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 September 2013):
 What do YOU think ? Does it feel right or wrong to you ?...
It may feel totally right for some people, and if you were salivating at the very idea I'd tell you : go ahead and have fun.
But, if you are asking us, it means that you aren't 100 % sure that it's right- for you ,or for your relationship. And you know why ?.. because you have immediately seized up the bullshitting vibes in his sales pitch.
The reasons why he 'd want to do it.. are risible. " Because neither of you has done it ". Well, maybe neither of you has shooted heroin before, or robbed a bank , or_ staying within legality :)- swimmed in a crocodile infested river . Would you want to do these new things ?.... You do something because it interests you, not just because " it's new ".
And... would bring you closer ? How exactly ? sayz who ? based on what does he think this ? what if it does NOT bring you closer but the opposite ?...
Don't get me wrong, a threesome does not have to be the end of your couple, if it is something that you BOTH fantasize about ,that you both really want to do, you might have a lot of fun , with no damages to the relationship.
What I don't like is that he is being sneaky about it . He does not have the balls to say, " look, I have this fantasy ( like 99 % of males ) and it's turning me on incredibly- you are a sexually self confident woman, and you feel secure about our relationship, - I know it has not crossed your mind before, but, you are the type who can handle it, would you help me making MY fantasy ome true ? " ... No, instead he takes the approach that it would bring you closer, it would be good for your couple- sort of like going to couple therapy :). Poor fellow... it's not like he really want to do it.. but, hey, no sacrifice is too big, - anything to get closer and grow intimacy between you, right ? ...
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 September 2013):
I'm just repeating what everyone else has said, really, but I'm betting he's asking for another woman rather a man to make the threesome?
It won't bring you closer to each other. More likely, you'll both lose a bit (or a lot) of respect for one another.
You are naturally doubtful about this, and while it's not "wrong" for you to be "leaning towards" a threesome, just make sure it's because you really want to do it, not because he's leaning on you.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 September 2013):
My last marriage died due to bringing others into our marital bed.
I do not think it's a good idea.
HOW in the world can bringing a THIRD person (a woman I assume) into your bed bring you CLOSER?
I love the idea of asking him which of his male friends he has in mind for this threesome...
would he think it would bring you closer if it was another man?
MEN in general don't think of girl on girl action as cheating... my own husband who would NOT share me with another man is more than happy for me to find another WOMAN for US to play with. He was told NO....
Tell him sure... if it's a guy of your choosing... then get back to me and let me know what he said...
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 September 2013):
I'd like to hear his reasoning on how exactly a threesome would bring you two closer. Please tell us how he explained it to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (12 September 2013):
 A threesome will bring you closer? So going by his logic, monogamy will actually make you drift apart! If you think this reasoning is right for you, then go for it by all means.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): I'll be honest, I want to have a threesome with my wife and another woman. I know my reasoning is flawed, and it will destroy my marriage so it will never happen.
I've only been with my wife, and she was with another man when we were seperated a long time ago. I want the threesome so I can have sex with another woman without "cheating" as well I want her to see it so she can be "punished".
I don't see how a threesome can be emotionally healthy, it's only feeding one halves lust, or in my case something more.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Of course it is up to you. But I want someone who thinks being with me is enough. I would never want to watch someone I loved be with another woman, I don't think I would ever get that out of my head. I'd tell him to get lost.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 September 2013):
 That Aunts and Uncles probably won't give you an absolute "right" or "wrong" to you question.... since, who are we to pass that judgement???
What you ARE seeing, in your replies, is that the odds of this 3-some destroying your relationship with this guy are 'way greater than the odds of it "bringing you (two) closer together" (as he contends).
This, once again, is a clear-cut "guy" ploy wherein HE stands to act out HIS fantasy.... whilest YOU get to be just a minor character actor in his play....
I recommend against it.... AND question if you will be wise to continue seeing this guy...
Good luck.....
...............................
A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (12 September 2013):
 dump him cos he doesn't understand how relationships work
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Well he can explain all he wants but what do YOU want? Do you want loyalty, monogomous relationship and is it MMF or is it only for his pleasre? FFM or if you are cool with introducing others into your relationship then that is different is this an open relationship? Are you sexual adventurous? Do you want marriage? Marriage from him? If you want to marry him i have a sneaking suspicion that you are not someone he has long term plans with, btw from my perspective your both still very young, maybe he isn't at the stage of thinking long term and he is just dating and getting to know what he wants thats what I did in my 20's ....but honestly if our asking , i have to assume this was definetly not something you wanted to do with someone you are in love with. I dont believe, even in these open type relationships, that people who are truly in love with someone are EVER ok with their partner sleeping with someonelse let alone trying to convince me that it will bring the two closer...cough cough BS BS...ps i am all for sexual experimentation(careful) when young and not married but ONLY if its something important to you. You can't stop him from fullfilling his desires or fantasies... But honestly hes just trying to convince you so that he can get 2 women, my response to him would be, if i were you, ok where are we gonna find the other guy....see him run.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Been there done that. And wouldn't advise anyone to do it. He's a guy, every guy wants to have a threesome. It's on there bucket fantasy list. Just that it's a fantasy and shoukd be left that way when in a relationship. If he loves you he won't mind when you say no, but if he pressures you then he was probably wanting to do it for the sex. A threesome will not bring you closer. Think of it this way how is him sleeping with another woman going to bring the two of you closer. I know they say threesome everyone's involved but someone's always left out or not getting as much attention. How would you feel waring your man that your in love with, kidding and caressing another woman. Doing all the things that you do together with someone else. Yeah sure it's fun and in the moment but just wait until the next morning or following weeks after.... And then what happens when he wants to do it again?? You ask him if he wants to do a threesome with another man or woman and then you'll get your answer. I'm just giving advice from personnel experience i love women and the thought of a threesome is hot, I love women's bodies. But not with my boyfriend.. Ever he's mine and I don't want to share. Thus is the same man that I had the threesome with by the way.. Yes we're together still :) with 2 babies now :) and on occasion hell ask about it, but I've held my ground and said no, and he's okie with that. That's a real man right there ladies :) good luck.. Research research research and truly ask yourself if this is something you'd be okie with. It's almost like opening up Pandora's box.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Ask him when and where the second guy can arrive...I have a hunch that's not the type of threesome he's wanting. If he wants you two to get closer then go on weekends away, learn tantric sex, take couples bonding group....
...............................
A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (12 September 2013):
 Yes, it is wrong. If you want to know why, then do a search on threesomes and read some of the horror stories. Your bf doesn't love you if he is suggesting this. End of!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Bring you closer? Ummmmm, no. When you bring someone else into your intimate private sex life, it does not make a person feel closer to the other. Do not confuse sexual exploration and sexual intimacy. They are miles apart from each other. Tread carefully. 9 times out of 10 it eventually ruins a couple's relationship...doubt starts surfacing, one partner wondering why the other did so and so, not being mature enough to handle what's really involved, becoming more and more emotionally disconnected with their partner because it's just another form a sex with someone else in the mix each and every time, one partner feeling jealous because the third person pleases their partner in ways they have not or can not...it goes on and on.If what he is saying is on the up and up (which I highly doubt), then suggest that threesome be with a man if you are going to try this anyway. It would be interesting to see how much "closer" he feels it will bring the two of you when it's not another women. I say this tongue in cheek because the smart thing to do here is not go there if you want your relationship to grow.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (12 September 2013):
This would probably basically end up as him having sex with another woman and you watching and then feeling like he's cheated on you.
Bad idea!
...............................
A
female
reader, loony89 +, writes (12 September 2013):
if you're totally comfortable with the idea, and not doing this just because of him, go for it. I've heard it's best to make sure it's someone you both don't know. and talk and make it extremely clear what will be done by whom (is having sex with the other person ok? what about when one of you leaves to use the restroom or something? oral allowed?). just out of curiosity, is he OK with a threesome with another guy?? i was dabbling with the thought of it when i realized that after this point, i can never say that my relationship is monogamous and we both realized we didn't want to share our selves in that way. plus if it's not broken, why fix it was my personal experience with this. hope this helped. bottom line: don't do something that you are not 100% OK with just because of him, he should be able to understand that and shouldn't pressure you into it after that.
...............................
|
