A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I've been with this guy for 3 years, and he's been hitting me for a while now. A long time actually. After we were together for only 6 months he started to hit and it has continued these past three years. I had the option of course, like every other girl to leave him but unfortunately I didn't take it. Which is why I have continued to stay with him. There is never a day that I am with him that I don't get beat up by him. At first it was only slapping or a few punches but it has turned into complete beatings. My neighbor found out this weekend about whats been going on. He's new around here. He recently moved in about 2 months ago. Yesterday he came over when my boyfriend left and tried to calm me down but I kept telling him he should leave before he got back. He didn't leave until he was able to offer his help. He's a really nice guy and his offer sounds like a safe way out of this but I don't want this guy getting hurt because he wanted to help broken girl. I don't want his sympathy. I do want to get away from him but i don't want anyone to get hurt in the process of me doing so. I'm 18 and he's 20. So my question is this...Would it be wrong to accept his help? Is there really ANY safe way out of all this?And if there is, I don't want my parents or any family for that matter know about any of this. Is it possible?
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ldu  +, writes (29 September 2010):
Just break up with him , have someone near by when your doing it just in case he gets out of hand......hell even have 911 ready to dial in case he tries to beat you. If you stay with him any longer im sorry to say it but you deserve any beating you get for being stupid enough to stay with a guy like that. You got a whole lot of advice here and you probably got it from other people also, so TAKE the Advice, or continue to TAKE Beatings.. Blunt but true.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): I'm wondering where your family is in all this. Your only 18 but he's been beating you for 3 years?!?! The advice you've been given is spot on: leave now because as time goes on things will only get worse. It was nice to have a neighbor offer you help, but you need to get as far away from your "bf" as soon as possible. Call the National Domestic Violence number you've been given, call a local women's shelter or call 911. But you need to do something and not let this go on.
...............................
A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 I think you should talk to the police and accept this neighbour's help. And learn a bit of Judo. Judo can be an effective martial art for dealing with bullies. Some of the moves are quite easy too.
Good luck with it all.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (27 September 2010):
The boyfriend my wife had right before me used to beat her. He raped her, broke ribs, and beat her bloody. He would cheat on her and rub it in her face. He isolated her from her friends and family. She used to think that, as long as he was beating her, nobody else was getting hurt. She thought she was doing him a favor by not ruining his life. She thought it was her place in life to let this man do this to her. She was wrong.See, he needed help too. If she had gone to the police immediately, he would have been placed in programs to help rehab people like him (teach him that it is wrong to act this way). It took her years before she started doing something about it. His dad found out, and popped him a good one. My wife moved and found me, but that was extremely lucky on her part.Since then, that boyfriend has beaten at least two more women he claims to love. What you need to realize is that, getting into trouble is not the same as getting hurt. As kids we get into trouble with our parents because they are trying to teach us something, the kinds of things we need to know (don't touch hot stoves or look both ways before crossing). You are getting hurt. You don't deserve that. You deserve a man who treats you more gently than he would a sandcastle on a windy day.He is also getting hurt. He is getting hurt by his ignorance. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be for him. The longer it continues, the more he will believe that he can do it and get away with it, and that it is normal and rational. There are people in this world that would hurt guys like him if they knew he was beating you. They would kill him. Every day he is allowed to beat you, there is a chance that one of those people finds out.Your friends and family are fantastic support, no matter what you may think. If you don't want them to know though, you can always call law enforcement on your boyfriend and tell everyone the two of you just broke up.If you ever need immediate help, call 911. I've done it several times in my life, and when you actually need help they are very nice about it.If you ever need non-emergency support from someone who understands more about what you are going through, call 1-800-799-7233. It is the number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You get to talk to an operator who is experienced in abusive situations and can help you. The call is free, and you don't need to give them your name or anything. They are just there to talk you through what you are going through.I can promise you from experience that the best thing you can do for everyone involved is to contact law enforcement. In my wife's case, I called 911 on the then boyfriend. The police didn't catch him in the act and my wife denied that it was happening, so they couldn't arrest him. However, they did tell him that they were talking to her, and that they keep track of calls like mine in case anything came up in the future. He realized he wasn't going to jail for beating a woman (which he did because he didn't love her), and he left her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 If your neighbour is offering to provide you with shelter its probably a bad idea. You need to get right away from your abuser, put as much distance and as many people between you and him as possible. Moving up the road, seemingly with another man, wont help and could create all manner of problems for the good samaritan. Sometimes you can feel brave for putting up with things and saying nothing outside of the relationship. But its totally the wrong thing to do. Speak the truth and shame your abuser. He doesnt care about you, so dont protect him any longer with your silence. Speak to your family. Get their help. Leave this bully and start to live your life free from violence and abuse. Your family wont think badly of you. They will want to help. So please speak to them now, arrange somewhere to stay and then leave. And dont be tempted back to him when he turns on the charm or tears. Hes no good for you x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): It is absolutely NOT wrong to accept anyone's help out of this situation. I'm sure he's intelligent enough to understand the risks, but that aside, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THE SITUATION YOU'RE IN NOW and take the help that's being offered to you.
RUN, don't walk, away from your situation.
People will only know what you tell them. If by some odd chance they do find out, they will understand that it's not your fault and, if anything, the people that care for you will help you before anything else.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): You need to accept multiple people's help, as you don't want to be dependent on one person. He can be your primary way out, but find a woman's group that assists women who are domestic abuse survivors / victims.You need to build a little network of safe people and NOT rely on one person. You need to be able to reach out and find someone when you need them, and that will take a phone list of several people. This is NOT a hard thing to get and it will be given to you. Most of these people do this work as they've seen abuse first hand. There is a safe way out, and women do it everyday. Some men will mentally beat down the woman to a point where she's convinced she NEEDS the abuser. It's sick... but then again the abuser is sick, as non-sick people do not beat on other people. As for your family, do what you need to to get safe before you share what you've been through if you think that's best. Talk it over with the domestic violence councilors. You need to understand that you are likely to experience post traumatic stress over the abuse and that it may be to your benefit to have some (may be not all) family members to know so that they can assist you. If you have a cool aunt or uncle confide in them. Again, build your network of safe people so that you always have someone to call when you need to. Simple steps, one hour at a time... then days... then weeks... months... years! You can get all this behind you safely. But it will take a bit of work on your part. You can do it!
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 I know you don't want to but your family should have been the FIRST to know. This neighbor of yours is a good man and I suspect he knows what it is he's getting into. Do not let your boyfriend near you. You do not deserve this sort of treatment, leave him and if he touches you again, call the police. You have many safe options, take them and get rid of this boy.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Priyanka09  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 The sfest way is to leave the house. When he is not home, just leave from there.. Call your friends who you can live with for few days, see if you can change your city for sometime. Just go away from this guy. There is absolutely no reason why you should stay with him. Try and get in touch with your closest friends who can help you find an appartment very far from his. Just leave his house and dont live with this guy anymore. He is not stable if he beats you everday. Seriously just leave him and start your own life.
...............................
|
