A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for the last 6 months. Last week she told me that she has used internet sites to meet guys for sex. This was before we dated and has not done it since. I am having a problem accepting it.It was not my business, I was not with her then, but the thought of her meeting up with strangers for sex is disgusting me. Shall I end it before we get even more involved or accept I am being too judgemental. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): What a horrible thing to have to live with. Walk out, its not a good thing to find out about her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): you have done the right thing. it would be foolish staying with her because you wont be able to respect her and if you cant respect, then all is lost anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): I am the man who posted this. Thank you to each individual answer. I have ended the relationship before it gets any deeper. I have tried to accept it but I can`t. I had also become very paranoid of going anywhere with her on grounds of walking past any of these strangers, and feeling too embarrassed to be seen with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): lets be real about it. no one wants a partner who behaves like that. its easy for someone to say its not a problem but they wouldnt think that way if they found out the same about their partner. they would be just as horrified. it is immoral and dangerous.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012):
If she goes out and does unattractive things then it will make people less attracted to her. That is not being judged, that is dealing with the consequences of her own actions.
If you can't have an opinion about people's own life choices, then what on earth are you still allowed to have an opinion about?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): She aint done anything criminal and it doesnt mean she is a bad person. She may have changed and feel embarrassed and told you this to get it off her chest. I understand though, it must be very difficult to live with what you now know.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (22 January 2012):
 Against the grain here, the answer is yes, you are being way too judgemental.
How would you feel, if she had said that she used to meet guys in a club, to have one night stands?
How about if she used to take 18-30 holidays, meet guys and have holiday romances?
Something many many many young ladies have done, and continue to do.
Are you thinking less of her simply because she met strangers through the internet, rather than in a nightclub, or on an Ibiza holiday? What, exactly, is the difference?
I am assuming that she is around the same age as you, so maybe you are feeling phased because she has had more experience.
Two things:-
Whatever she has done in her past, before she met you was exactly that - BEFORE SHE MET YOU, and her life experience has shaped her into the woman you were attracted to in the first place.
Secondly, there are not too many mid twenties women who have not had one night stands, holiday 'romances', or had casual sex with someone they have not known before. If they say they havent, they are generally telling little lies to make guys feel better.
And what about these strangers? I'd bet the men were generally married, in committed relationships, or simply horny opportunists, as opposed to old, sleazy, perverse, raincoat wearing, doggers.
Ask yourself why she is telling you her past. Did you drag it out of her? Be thankful that she is being reasonably honest, and you didn't find out from someone else.
But be careful in your decisions here, and don't be disgusted. You may not like what she did in her past, and how about looking at your own, but if you are dating her in the present, there must be something that you like about the way she is right now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): I cant understand why any dude would pay for hookers when theres broads on the web wanting to give it. I would dodge this one like a speeding truck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): I would be really grossed out if this wuz me. I would think long and hard to whether you can handle what you know. If you cant then get out sooner better than later.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): Okay, I thought girls did not have to do this as guys are always on the prowl and usualy not choosy if its only for sex. Dont other guys find her attractive? I would think very carefully about her attitude to sex. You wont be able to last the whole course if you cannot respect her. I would let her go and in good time you may meet someone with morals.
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A
female
reader, White_Lilly +, writes (21 January 2012):
 Hi,
Well, there are a few female friends of mine and acquaintances who from time to time have sex with stangers off the web, or one-night stands with people they don't know.
It's not as uncommon as people may think.
My advice is talk to her about it, and share your thoughts and see what she says.
Some girls sleep around like that and don't tell anyone, so you may never know someones sexual history for sure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): she made her choices. you have a right to make yours. if you was 20 years older and your son met an identical girl to yours then you would advise him to keep out. wouldnt we all?
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A
male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (21 January 2012):
Did she tell you this before or after you had sex with her? I can't imagine someone like that hasn't "done the deed" with you yet.
If you have been sleeping together and only NOW is she telling you this, then it was not right to withhold that from you.
I feel that when you get started with someone, you need to "have the talk" about your past lovers. Did the subject come up about how many men she slept with? What was her answer?
On one hand you are saying that it disgusts you, and on the other hand you are saying its not your business.
It IS your business. You have the right to know more than anyone else.
Lastly, you want to know 1) If she cheated on any of her boyfriends including you. 2) Why she stopped doing this and when 3) If she has been tested for STDs, and get yourself tested too.
Good luck, but I think you and I already know where this is headed. Usually when someone says "I don't know what to do about this" in a situation like this, the truth is that they DO know but they are afraid to do it.
I am sure that there are a lot of things you like about her. I am so sorry that this is happening and you are feeling this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): Men do that all the time. They might call them little affairs or dates, but it's the same thing at the end of the day. You go out on a date, have sex and then never meet again. She was just being extremely candid about something a lot of people do but simply whitewash by calling them "affairs" and "dates". Kudos to her for her honesty. If I did that, I would never admit to them or try to pretend they were "brief relationships". You have a very honest woman there, OP. So don't act rashly. Think over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): no you are not being judgemental. if you cannot stomach what she is then dont waste any more time. if i had found this out about my boyfriend i would dump him. it is dirty and yuk imo.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (21 January 2012):
If your standards are higher then end it before it gets more involved. I dont think a lot of people would want to know their partner had that kind of history.
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A
female
reader, Domolovescookies +, writes (21 January 2012):
 well... before you make any big decisions, try sitting down with her and telling her how it makes u feel... though perhaps you should avoid words like disgust . and go more for words like hurt and disappointed and confused. Because after reading that, that's what I am, why would a girl do something like that if she had a choice?? If you havent asked her why yet, i think you really should. If her answer is along the lines of her just being a horny little thing... uh...maybe the door is a good place for you to consider moving out of. If she had a lot of turmoil or something, then you need to know right now what exactly is the baggage you are dealing with! and if you can/want to deal with it.
I have to say though... +1point to her for honesty. She DID tell you after all.... imagine how hard that must have been.
If you do choose to move on with her, try not to let it give you insecurities. Do pay attention, but don't be paranoid. If shes the type that will compare you to every past partner, and/or threaten (even indirectly) to go find someone else to sleep with, or use it to attack your self esteem.... then you could be in a load of trouble. Don't be a pushover! she did something pretty horrifying to hear about, and I dont think "it was before i met you" is a good reason for her to just be forgiven without having to PROVE herself to you.
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (21 January 2012):
 It is in the past. she felt comfortablr enough to tell you rather than keep it a secret. That is a sign of trust.
Us women have needs too!!!! So what if you do not agree with it. She is not doing it now, and she is not going to run off with anyone now she has you.
Leave the past in the past and move on with your girlfriend.
Don't forget..... we all have skeletons in our closet. I am sure you have secrets you have kept from her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): You would be better out of it. If you are with her because she gives you good sex then ok. What if you ever run into any of these guys she met? Will you be proud to be seen with her? The real scenario is she will be frowned upon.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (21 January 2012):
I am trying not to be judgemental either, but I could not accept it if my partner had done that. It comes across as sleazy, sad and desperate (people who do it may well have different views). You may be better off getting out of this relationship.
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (21 January 2012):
 I think you are jumping the gun a bit. She has stopped it for now and she admitted to you that she was doing it so I think you should accept it. She could have kept it a secret and not tell you for years down the line when you could be settling down. I know it is disgusting to think she just met up with a load of random guys just for sex but you will have to put that at the back of your mind for now as she hasn't given you any reason what I know of to not trust her.
I hope this helps. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 January 2012):
 I can completely understand that you'd be grossed out by that, it's definately not something you want to hear from your gf.
Thing is you're now always going to have this thought in the back of your mind and it's going to take a lot to ensure that it doesn't get too overbearing. Do you think you'd be able to do that?
And I don't think you're being judgemental, I'd be as horrified as you are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): You have noted that its none of your business. You cannot accept it. Not a lot of people could accept that. I know i couldnt. I think i would end it if i was in your situation. For peace of mind i would also get tested for stds.
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