A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My grandfather recently died, and now my handicapped, 88 year old grandmother is home by herself. She is of sound mind, and can take care of herself, but she does have a number of health problems that are managed by medicine.Both my grandparents kids died (my mother died two years ago). So the caretaking is left up to the grandchildren. Myself (I live with my boyfriend and his two teenage kids) .. My brother who is married with a baby.. and my cousin (who lives 15 hours away with his fiance)On his deathbed, my grandfather told me to take care of my grandmother, and he always referred to me as his "Number 1". My grandparents never approved of my relationship with my boyfriend .. due to the fact that he is divorced, has kids already, and I make twice as much as he does. My grandmother wants me to live with her and get ride of my boyfriend, even offering to pay me money because she doesn't like him at all and is fearful for my future with him. (She thinks he is using me for my money.)My boyfriend does not want me to stay with her at all, not even one night a week. When my grandfather was dying, I stayed with them that week, and my boyrfiend was so down and depressed. I just don't know what to do or how to balance between the two. The houses are half an hour appart. I understand my grandparents concerns. I have shared them over the past year. But I don't want to hurt my boyfriend or put a strain on our relationship, but I just wish he would understand that my grandmother does need me too.He thinks that by me staying with her, I am going to end up leaving him. Please help!
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cousin, depressed, divorce, fiance, grandmother, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (27 July 2010):
 It's unfair for both of them to require you to make that choice. I think your boyfriend needs to be the mature one here (88 year old's have the average maturity level of a kid of 6) and understand that she is important to you.
If push comes to shove you're going have to ask yourself whehter you can live with the guilt of not having done enough for your grandmother or of hurting your boyfriend.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 July 2010):
Though he does need to to show support, you are ultimately going to be making a choice here. It will be him, or her. Neither like each other, and both won't want to live together. At some point, you will be making a choice. I do find it suspicious that your grandmother wants to move in and specifically get rid of your boyfriend. Because either she is after making you a full time carer, or your boyfriend is really after your money.
I think you need to stop thinking about everyone else for a moment and think about what you want to do. Your decision will be a life changing one. Either, in your 20's, you will become effectively a full time carer, or you'll be in a relationship. It's clear that with your current boyfriend and your grandmother, at some point one is going to be put behind the other. There's no way around that.
But be careful. I admit that your boyfriend's reaction to you being away was over the top. But be careful you're not being played by your grandmother. Old people can use people just as much as young people. You don't want to suddenly realize you're 40 with no parter because you gave your life to your grandmother who was preventing you from moving forward. And you don't want to stay with a boyfriend that is using you for money. So look carefully at your options.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): i can see why your bf is uncomfortable with that because he probably feels its going to be a smear campaign against him, and that is emotionally tolling on someone. But with that said you have to take care of her no matter what. Just let him know you know hes a good guy and wouldnt use you.
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A
male
reader, Roshii +, writes (26 July 2010):
 This is all down to a bad relationship with your Boyfriend and your family. You cant expect him to be totally understand with you helping her when he knows there trying to take you apart.
Its hard for the older generations to understand the world nowadays.
You shouldnt have to pick or even feel like you have to, But your in an impossible position, if you love your boyfriend, or atleast want to be with him, You should be able to do so with out having it attacked.
You dont need him geting depressed each time your there either. This situation has stress written all over it.
And my advice is simple, having been in a simular situation (not the same, the only same thing was my Gf's parents didnt like me) as you,
Get him involved somehow, Tell him how much it means to you to look after your gran and that you want him to help and support you. This closes the gap stops it being seperate. Dont however let him stay over with you when you do, Just let him come with you in the mornings and stay and help out, Give him the opertunity to change your grans mind about him. And it gives him a chance to show who he actually is.
Family is important, But he is your family too. make sure he knows that fact. If you can help your gran together, itll allow him to build bridges with your granparent, which i believe should have been attempted long ago.
Remember its not about changing your grans opinion, its about showing her what your like together. If she see's your happy shell let up on telling you to leave him. And if he knows that. He wont be scared your going to leave him by being there.
I hope that helps. Feel free to inbox me, to talk further.
Roshiii
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (26 July 2010):
 I have a friend whose mom recently died. Her husband had a hard time accepting my friend wanting to take care of her mother she had ovarian cancer. Through all the arguments my friend decided to have her mother move in and the husband in raged moved out. He felt she choice her mother over their marriage. Her mother passed away and my friend file for divorce because she could not forgive him for not supporting her when she most needed him. Whatever your decision is just remember your going to be the one who leaves with the guilt or anger, resenting one or the other.
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