A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What age do you think is people should start having a family?I have a 25 year old daughter, who is very accomplished, smart, beatifull, full of life....and doesn't want even to think of getting married and have children just yet.She is still studying for her master degree, has a wonderful boyfriend who is 27 for 1 year now, and doesn't even want to have "family "conversation.I started to get a little worried. She is our only child. I had her when I was 20. Agree, time changed. But at 25 not even think of having a family one day? She has her own bussines , very busy, travels a lot, but just for pleasure, probably visited 40 countries. Every time I start conversation about babies, she said she has so many things to do before that. She looks at having a baby like it's a prison with a life time sentence.I have quite a few girlfriends who either never had kids or having a hard time getting pregnant as they waited for a long time. One is 40, one is 36. All they talk is how bad they want to be mothers, but it's just not happening. They all smart, beautiful, independent women who were having lots of fun for years, but now when they felt it's time to settle down look what is happening.I think women these days forget that we have a very limited fertility period. They wait and wait and wait, and then they are having issues.Now my daughter has this little device that they came up with that you don't get pregnant for 10 years. She can always take it out, but for now she is happy that she doesn't have to worry about birth control and so on.I don't know may be I m over worried, but I see so many lonely people that never were brave enough to have families, wanted to have it all before they think about kids, and now they are all alone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): "What age do you think is people should start having a family?'
At the age when they are ready to start having a family, but only if they want to have a family.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (21 March 2012):
 I understand you care about your daughter and want her to have a full and happy life. I think you believe that this must include having children, because this is what you believe as a woman, means to have had a successful, full life. This is YOUR view on life, which is shared by many people in many societies.
However not everyone wants children or has children. And not every person who decides not to have children will regret this decision in later life or be lonely because of it. Some people do have children, but for many reasons lose touch with their families and end up alone in later years anyway. Conversely, some people choose not to have children but lead full, happy lives in other ways, by fulfilling career dreams and travel the world making many friends along the way. It is different strokes for different folks!
A part of your concern may stem from your desire to have grandchildren, as you may have always wished for this to happen one day. Again, this is your personal wishes, which as much as you are entitled to have them, this dream depends upon the choice of another human being, so you cannot pin your hopes too much on this dream, if it is not something your daughter also wants. It may be a disappointment for you if you never have grandchildren when it is something you always hoped for, but if this means your daughter has the life she really wants, isn't that the most important thing? You daughter is your baby and is already on this earth, shouldn't her happiness and life dreams come first?
I know you just don't want her to get to 40, panic and spend all her savings on treatments to have children that she wishes she had had earlier. But she is an educated, intelligent woman who has achieved a lot in her life so far. I am sure if having children is important to her, she will make this happen, when the time is right for her. You just have to trust that she is capable of making the best choices for her own life. So far she has done very well, hasn't she? Anyway, even if she does want to wait until later to have children, medical science will have even more ways of making this possible and easy in 10 years time, and there is always adoption if she is for whatever reason unable to conceive. i know people have strong views on this. But I personally believe you don't need to be a biological parent to be a parent. I am 26, and have decided that although I don't wish my own children, I would like to adopt because there are so many children who don't have parents who are able to look after them. Our population is greater than it has ever been so I simply don't feel the need to reproduce to continue the survival of our species as this is clearly not a problem! And I don't believe I will be lonely if I don't have children, because if you lead a good life you will have good people around you. Life has ups and downs whether you have children or not.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 March 2012):
 To the OP herein: I think you can readily see that the preponderence of opinion is that YOU - and only you - have some sort of "problem" with the life your daughter is living.....
I hope you are taking in our responses and deciding to back off and let your daughter live her OWN life, on her OWN schedule.....
Pressure from a young woman's Mother (to bear children according to HER schedule) is very likely not welcome......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): I think it should be around 34-35 years old. Until then a person should have fun, experiment and get to know her/himself better.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I thing the "right" age is when you are ready to do it and when you think you have the partner you want for life.
As for a # *shrug* I think the actual age means nothing. I was 28 when I was "ready" but, in honesty..... I would have been fine not getting married and just lived together.
You daughter sounds like a bright girl who has her priorities straight, let her follow HER path and be supportive her it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): Guys its mother sharing why are you over reacting and behaving as if our poster is doing a crime by worrying bout her daughter? And its true that evrytym we cant go against mother nature. Shes not forcing her kid to make babies. Shes just sharing her worries so chill
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): What i certainly didn't e?pect here is hostile and angry responds.
Which I got plenty. Some of you are attacking not giving your opinion. Some responds were in really bad taste. Dissapointed....
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male
reader, eek +, writes (20 March 2012):
 Im 26 and would love nothing more than to start a family. But everyone is different. Give her time she will get to it when she is ready.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I am 52. I want my GRANDs too… my mom had two grandkids by the time she was MY age. I am resigned to having no real grandchildren. My oldest son is going to be 28 but is emotionally disabled and will never marry or reproduce.. My younger son is 25 and says he wants no children…. So I resign myself to no grandchildren…..
MOST of my adult friends have no children by choice…. And sadly for you, that is your daughter’s choice…
My dear girlfriend just had her first baby she’s 33 and everyone is healthy happy and whole.
Just because a person chooses not to have children does not condemn them to a life of being all alone…
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I don't think there is a "right" age to get married. That is for every individual to determine. People who get married "because it is time" often have bad marriages.
You also have to check the assumption that people who don't have families are not "brave enough" to do so. You know, married life entails commitment and sacrifice, but it also entails a way of life that is not for everyone. I am sure you know this if you have a 25 year old daughter.
Many women in many countries think of having children as a "prison". I'm not sure whether it's a prison, but it does limit your options and, unless you're very irresponsible, it does shape your life. Women are more constrained because men don't take that much care of children. Many women see children as an obstacle to a career, and they feel that they didn't study that hard all those years so they could change diapers. This may sound selfish, and sometimes it really is, but, anyways, this is still a personal decision.
Also, the comments you "jokingly" make to your daughter are not that funny once they are, say, 25 "joking" comments or so.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 "Every time she calls me and says "mom, I have some news, and no, I m not pregnant" we both laugh about it."
Well, she's only telling you that joke to stop you from asking the question. And why would she assume you'd ask that question if you haven't already been asking it over and over?
You might not see it as nagging, but coming from someone who has a mother just like you: it sure does feel like nagging and putting on pressure. It isn't any fun!
"About her having a boyfriend just for a year. I think a year is plenty of time to get to know a person"
Well, thats you isn't it? You're not her. And most of us don't feel the same way as you do when it comes to that. I think a year is the bare minimum it takes to get to know someone. Sure, some split up after 20 years of knowing each other, but a heck of a lot more couples split up after just one year, and finding out what a mismatch the other person is. If you've been together 20 years I dare say you had a pretty good relationship for it to last that long...
You are right, you can't plan life. So why do you have this need for her to start planning a family right now? She isn't the one doing the planning here, you are. I think it's a pretty bad idea to start having babies just because your mother wants you to, and because you are experiencing social pressure (from you among others), and then have kids with the first and best that happens to be available. And then in 2-3 years time that person is probably going to be out of your life and dating someone else. Are you adamant she should become a single mother just because that suits YOU?
You had your child young and continued to study and move around with that child. Not everyone is like you and not everyone will see that as ideal. Your daughter among others. Try to respect that rather than judge her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): Thank you all for answering.
It was interesting to read some of the comments.
I read the word " nagging" several times. There is no "nagging" here. We jokingly talk about it. Every time she calls me and says "mom, I have some news, and no, I m not pregnant" we both laugh about it.
May be you right, may be I do wAnt grandchildren, but also think about her taking her carrier to far into her years and not having a family. I see women like this all the time around me. And now at 40 they spend all their savings just to get pregnant. You can't go against nature.
I went to college and got my master already having a child. Well it took me 10 years, little by little. I manage a succesfull family bussines. And all this happened with already having a child. She was a part of everything we did. She was not deprived of anything. We travelled together since she was 2. I m the person I m today because I had her .
About her having a boyfriend just for a year. I think a year is plenty of time to get to know a person. Some people live together for 20 years and still
get divorced. She has boyfriends since she was 14. The first one lasted for 6 years. Then second one came alone, another 4 years. Now present boyfriend another year. As a mother of course I worry. She says she is not a dater, she is a relationship person, that's why all these long term relationships.
Of course she will make her own decisions when. She has a loving family and We know she is not "stupid" . It was just mother talking.
Another thing in wanted to add. We can't plan everything in this life. That's why this life is so much fun because things sometimes just happen, we risk and we win or we loose. We can't calculate every situation and be sure that this is what it's going to be how we plan it. I have girlfriends who planned their life from age 14. Now they don't know what to do with this planning. They still looking for that special one, that they planned to meet at 25, and have babies with him at 30.
This is what I m worried about these 5-10-15 years plans that rarely come to life. Things happens, it wouldn't be life if they didn't.
That you all again for answering
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): Thank you all for answering.
It was interesting to read some of the comments.
I read the word " nagging" several times. There is no "nagging" here. We jokingly talk about it. Every time she calls me and says "mom, I have some news, and no, I m not pregnant" we both laugh about it.
May be you right, may be I do wAnt grandchildren, but also think about her taking her carrier to far into her years and not having a family. I see women like this all the time around me. And now at 40 they spend all their savings just to get pregnant. You can't go against nature.
I went to college and got my master already having a child. Well it took me 10 years, little by little. I manage a succesfull family bussines. And all this happened with already having a child. She was a part of everything we did. She was not deprived of anything. We travelled together since she was 2. I m the person I m today because I had her .
About her having a boyfriend just for a year. I think a year is plenty of time to get to know a person. Some people live together for 20 years and still
get divorced. She has boyfriends since she was 14. The first one lasted for 6 years. Then second one came alone, another 4 years. Now present boyfriend another year. As a mother of course I worry. She says she is not a dater, she is a relationship person, that's why all these long term relationships.
Of course she will make her own decisions when. She has a loving family and We know she is not "stupid" . It was just mother talking.
Another thing in wanted to add. We can't plan everything in this life. That's why this life is so much fun because things sometimes just happen, we risk and we win or we loose. We can't calculate every situation and be sure that this is what it's going to be how we plan it. I have girlfriends who planned their life from age 14. Now they don't know what to do with this planning. They still looking for that special one, that they planned to meet at 25, and have babies with him at 30.
This is what I m worried about these 5-10-15 years plans that rarely come to life. Things happens, it wouldn't be life if they didn't.
That you all again for answering
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2012):
I like this phrase in your submittal: "...I don't know may be I m over worried,"
Let me help you validate yourself. YES, you ARE "overworried".... because there's absolutely no reason why you should give any more than a random, stray thought to YOUR DAUGHTER'S life!!!! IT'S HER life!!! Let her live it!!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): "I think women these days forget that we have a very limited fertility period. They wait and wait and wait, and then they are having issues."
I don't think women forget, it just isn't a priority for many of them in their 20's. They would rather travel the world and experience life, and many also want to establish a solid career before even considering a family, let alone marriage. As a guy who reentered the dating pool at age 33 I saw this a LOT!!
The way it plays out many times is that a woman can get so focused on other things, this aspect of her life takes a back seat. Many of these women still find themselves single in their late 20's, or early 30's, or even their mid 30's. At that point it becomes a four alarm fire to "find a man", settle down and start a family. (this last group of women are usually, but not always, the ones who also make partying and "sowing their wild oats" a priority in addition to the other things).
The end result is a significant number of women out there who are in a big hurry to get married and pop out a kid. As someone who went through a failed marriage, that was a HUGE problem for me. I was not going to rush into anything. I found this to be the single biggest obstacle in dating. I can't tell you how many times a woman would bring up the subject of marriage or kids as early as the first or second date.
I'm not saying that your daughter will necessarily fall into this pattern, but it wouldn't be a surprise. My sister didn't get married until she was 29. She's now 31 and still has no immediate plans for a child, mostly because she's not content with her current job.
Finally, I wanted to address another poster's comment about men. It is patently false that men don't think of children until age 40. Many are perfectly willing to get married, and start a family, before then. That said, sure... there are a LOT of guys in their 20's who don't want a serious relationship, let alone have any thoughts of children. There's also a bit of a trend, though it's still a minority, of men who choose at a young age to undergo a vasectomy. I have know three or four guys under 35 who have never been married and have no children, and yet have had a vasectomy. They just decided they never want them.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I am 25, and have been with my boyfriend who is nearly 29, for just over 6 months now. I work full time and have no plans to start a family any time soon.
Why? Well I havent known my boyfriend long enough (just like your daughter hasnt known her boyfriend long enough either), we are not married and we do not own a home together. I have spoken about the future with my boyfriend, and we both want a family one day - but we know this is quite a way off in the future.
I havent 'forgotten' about the issue of fertility, it is in the back of my mind as we are all well aware that once you get over 35 that is when you are going to struggle to get pregnant. But quite simply I am not ready for a child, my relationship isnt ready for a child and that is why I am not going to be getting married or having babies yet.
I'm sure your daughter has spoken to her boyfriend about the future, she wont tell you about every conversation she has had with him, it is private. Clearly you already talk about babies and it will more than likely frustrate her because you are being a little overbearing and trying to force your views on her. So she wont want to even mention any conversation she has had with her boyfriend because she will know you will latch onto it and never drop the subject.
Trust in your daughter, she isnt stupid and she will be aware of her own biological clock. She has already been with her boyfriend a year, so chances are within the next couple if years he might propose if they do stay together. That would make her what, 27-28, give them a year or two to enjoy married life so she might start thinking about kids aged 30. Is that really so bad? Millions of women have kids in their early 30's, one of my friends has had all 3 of her kids between the age of 30 and 35, without any problems. Ironically when she was trying for a child in her 20's with her ex partner she had lots of miscarriages, but now she is in her 30's she has been far more sucessful!
Times have changed, we all live a lot longer and now women have more to life than being a wife and mother. She has her own dreams and ambitions which she needs to achieve before she can settle down and become a mother. Being a mother isnt a prison sentence, but it does mean that you have to be responsible at all times for another person and it does mean that you have to make compromises. If she dreams of certain targets for her own business, or dreams for her personal life that she wants to achieve in the next few years, you have to be realistic - she simply wouldnt be able to do it with a child.
Her business will have to take a back seat throughout pregnancy and obviously after the baby is born because you just dont have time to be a mum and a full time business woman. She is being realistic and making sure that she has achieved her dreams before she moves on to a new stage of her life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I personally am hoping to get married maybe when I am 27/28, and then have children within a year of getting married. That is the norm these days, not many women have children before this anymore.
You just have to keep in mind that your daughter is smart, she knows what she is doing and she is not going to be stupid enough to leave it too late if she does want kids. The longer she is with her boyfriend the more likely they will be to start talking about the future in more depth, so give them space and time. Dont nag her, dont even mention the subject, just leave her to it and I'm sure she wont let you down.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I am roughly in the same age as your daughter, at 28.
Why are you so concerned about your daughters family planning? Is it that you want HER to have kids, or because YOU want grandchildren?
That probably sounds like a strange question, but it makes all the difference. You cannot force your views or wants on her, just because you are the Mum.
She is 25, and doing a masters degree. I can relate, I've almost finished a PhD, and I can tell you now, that IF I was to get pregnant any time soon, everything I have worked so hard for would be totally wasted. I have taken time to get a good education, worked hard and gone without to benefit my future career. To have kids within the next 5 years would ruin any chance I had of establishing that career. Once pregnant, or a mother, women in the workplace end up on very fragile ground. Jobs are at risk, contracts could go elsewhere, you lose the edge. All my hard work would be for nothing, as the career I have chosen to be part of would have moved on whilst I was on maternity leave.
Being together for a year is a very short period of time. It is not enough to base the creation of a family on. For that you need security, commitment (marriage) and a more long term relationship.
Thankfully my mother has not started on the whole 'granchildren' warpath yet, but I know she would like them eventually. I think you need to back off. Having grandchildren is not your choice, and you need to accept that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): My daughters always been adamant she doesn't want the responsibility of children. She is just starting out on her career after Uni. Her views have been the same since she was 14 or 15.
I am lucky as I do have grandchildren, but have to say I don't make myself available on a regular basis for babysitting. I prefer to surprise them with a day out.
I don't think theres anything wrong with not wanting children, or having them in their 30s, at least the feeling they have 'missed out' isnt hanging over the relationship.
I would rather my daughter had seen the world, developed her career before settling with a family - if ever she does. If it makes somebody feel trapped then its the wrong atmosphere to raise a family anyway.
Enjoy her as she is, be proud of her achievemnts, thats all you can do. Love her.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I do understand where you are coming from. I have a 30 year old daughter who has been happily married for 10 years. Neither her or her husband show any signs of wanting children. They both graduated college, have a nice car and home. Their "Children" are their 2 huge great Dane dogs! Sometimes I worry about things, but I've been told very politely that they will have their children when and if they are ready. There isn't much you can do mom! I was so different than them, I wanted to have children before I was 30 and I did, I had my 2nd child at 25 and I was done (LOL). Times have changed so much though, now so many people don't even consider having children till they are older and when you see women having children over 45..well, what can you do?? I guess you have to just be like me and hope that someday the time is right for your daughter and she'll be ready. Isn't it much better for her to have a child when she wants one than to bring a child into the world when she doesn't? I know its hard..but hang in there.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 March 2012):
"I think women these days forget that we have a very limited fertility period."Forget? FORGET? How are we supposed to forget when we got mothers and the rest of our society hanging over our shoulders shaming us for not producing and popping them out. Trust me, we haven't forgotten. My mother has been on my back since I was 19 pestering me for grandchildren. It's making me FREAK OUT. To be honest. I'm stressed out and nervous because of all the stupid completely unnecessary pressure that people like you put on young women. We KNOW what time the biological clock runs out. Ok? Trust me, we KNOW. So please do your daughter, and every other young woman out there, a huge favour and stop going on and on about this. You sound more like you want children for your own sake, and not because you actually think about what's best for your daughter. My mother has such a craving for grandchildren that she, not too long ago, suggested I should go out and have a one night stand with a random dude just to get pregnant. Listen, their relationship has been a year. After a year you MIGHT start to think about having a future and a family with a person, because it takes that long to get to know someone. Let your daughter sort out her own life, because she knows what is best for her and what is best for any future children she might have. And to your information, the reason I haven't had children yet at 26, isn't because I haven't had boyfriends, or because I didn't want them, or because I want a career first or bla bla bla. The reason is very simple. I want a stable and good relationship before I ever start to plan for children. I want to be married first. And finding a man to marry does take it's time, because not all of us meets our prince charming at first try. If I am to have children I want it to be with a man who is mature enough to deal with the responsibilities of a family. And sorry mom, but that man hasn't arrived just yet. I'd need to be with a man at least a couple of years before I felt comfortable even taking that step. Not just that, your daughter, like me, isn't finished with her studies yet. Doesn't future children deserve a home to live in, and not some tiny student home? Don't they deserve a mother who wont have to go on welfare to support them? It all comes down to priorities. Someone has them young without thinking about who the father is, or if they have money, or what future they can provide the children. Some think a little further ahead. Your daughter clearly isn't there yet where she feels she can bring a child into the world and give it all it needs. The time isn't right for her. And I think she's smart to let her OWN mind decide when she should have children, rather than give in to your pressure and then be stuck with her boyfriend who might just up and leave her.Please leave her and her womb alone. Or start nagging at the boyfriend instead, for all you know HE is the one who doesn't want kids yet. Men often think they don't have to have kids until they are 40, because they don't have that biological clock. But not all 20-something year olds are interested in dating 40 year olds...
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I am sorry that you are so worried about your daughter...mothers cannot help these things, but they also cannot do anything at all to change this particular situation.
I think choosing the right moment (if at all) to have children is a very personal thing, it is either something a woman thinks about her whole young life, or a sudden revelation...or not at all.
It's very hard to step back and watch our children make what we percieve as 'mistakes'. Of course if it's dangerous or they ask for our help them that is the time to offer opinion, but where starting a family is concerned, it's your daughters choice alone.
What if she had a child under pressure and couldn't cope, or felt trapped or unfulfilled? This does happen and can leave some women feeling devestated.
Your daughter obviously knows you are concerned and has given you a clear signal that she does not intend to start a family at this moment in time...but, if left alone, it doesn't mean she won't change her mind in the future.
Love your daughter (because she is YOUR baby) respect her life choices and be there for her...because that is really all you can do.
xxx
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