A
female
age
41-50,
*myxavier
writes:this is probably a strange thing to be dealing with but i dont know what to do it all started about 2 years ago me and my husband was in bed going to sleep when he recieved a text message from his friends girlfriend (whom he doesnt know and has never met )it was very explicit and dirty tekking him to do all sorts of things to her at first he lied and said it was his freind talking about food so i asked him to have a look and reluctantly he showed me saying dont take no notice he is fucking around so i rang him and spoke to him and his girlfreind they were laughing and saying it was only a joke and that iot would not happen again however the "joking" carried on between my husband and his friend they would send each other crude messages and i hated it my husband would lie and say they were not doing it any more but i never knew if that was the sort of things men joke about you know like school boys do and as far as i was concerned they had stopped involving the other girl however 3 months ago a found lots of messages that my husband thought he had deleted and they were the usuall filth between the men but he had started to tell his freind all sorts of filthy things that he would like to do to the other girl i kicked him out but have since spoken to the man who says its only messing around and that its just freindly banter while they are at work (they are scaffolders)my husband has never cheated we have 3 kids and he is saying he is so sorry it was just messing about he says he lioves me and is so sorry that he has hurt me he says he knows it was wrong but he didnt think about the consequences and that he was a dick head and it will never happen agian and hell never hurt me again i dont know what to do or if i have over reacted is this what blokes do or am i being to sensitive help please i dont know wether i am throwing away 13 years of marriage for nothing
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male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (25 October 2010):
Hi,
These guys are scaffolders.(some office worker mates of mine are as bad) The language I hear on building sites is much worse!! You should hear some of the things that go on on Rugby/Football pitches to wind each other up.
I really wouldnt worry about it at all. Its just male banter.
Take a look at this
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/men-is-dirty-texting-to-your-mates-normal.html
A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (22 October 2010):
 To Male anonymous reader, no they do not, not the good ones, I would consider this a form of cheating as would many other women. She has every right to look at his phone in this situation, talking about f**king your mates girlfriend is NOT a joke. He is a dissrespectful loser. I would also kick him out, I would also not trust him, you are not overeacting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): sorry, i meant to say you CAN have a laugh with your friends in other ways.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 From the way you describe things it seems to me that these co workers have a very crude way of talking to each other and they have very misogynistic attitudes about women and treat them as if they are just objects and the fact that this one guy's girlfriend is just as much of a bonehead as they are just gives them more fuel for the fire.
It's trashy behavior, period.
I don't think you overreacted since you were offended the first time and the second and you asked him to stop and he didn't.
Tell him that you would prefer that he be a man who lives his values and stands up to that kind of trashy talk and behavior with his buddies, they may give him a hard time about that, but they will respect him more for telling them to knock it off especially around you, and to quit sending texts to his phone. He also has to change his behavior in that regard as well.
I think you are throwing away a marriage and family over a non issue, I don't think boys will be boys, I think you ask him to be the man you know he is and let him live up to your standards and the standards you want for your family. Put it to him that way, he is representing your family, you, your kids and how does he want to be an example for them? And then take him to church.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Guys joke like that all the time. If it offends you then stay off his phone. If your willing to throw him out over this he'd probably be better off without you.
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (22 October 2010):
I found this a little confusing, but from what I gathered this 'joke' hurt you the first time round and he continued on with it, I don't think you're overreacting. Maybe it's just me, but I find this a very strange and dodgey 'joke' to be playing, I don't care what proffession you're in, texting your friend and saying what you'd like to get up to with THEIR girlfriend, is not something you can joke about in a relationship. Personally I wouldn't be tollerant of this, I don't see how this is a joke, anymore than it could be a sick friend of his getting off on the idea of your husband getting dirty with his girlfriend, do you not think? I don't know, I wouldn't be so sure that this is a joke it seems very strange to me, be carefull.
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A
female
reader, amyxavier +, writes (22 October 2010):
amyxavier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your answers you may have helped a lot
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): and another thing, if they want to " joke ", why does it have to be explicit ?. why can't they joke in another way ? you cant have a laugh with friends in other ways.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): i dont think it's right for men to " joke " with other women in an explicit way. Yes it's a joke- they are taking the p*** out of you. That's what kind of a joke it is, and that is not on at all ! . You deserve so much better. I would never, ever, want to explicitly joke with someone that wasnt my boyfriend or husband. That kind of talk should only be between people who are in a relationship or married. Them saying it's a joke is a way of trying to get out of getting in trouble for what they have been doing. The fact that your boyfriend lied to you at first sounded very suspicious too. And , people would only send those kind of jokes to people that they fancy and want to get with as well. Get rid of your husband permanently and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (22 October 2010):
 It's not unusual between guys in that profession. I'm not saying your over-reacted, but my recommendation would be to take things easy. If his track record indicates a good, faithful man, it isn't worth throwing away for banter.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 An over reaction to something that is a little childish but essentially harmless. He's only joking with his friend not actually doing anything.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Sounds like normal tradesman pranks to me, an almost daily occurance in my experience working with them. It just escalates and pranks get bolder and riskier- clearly they didn't think about what "could" go wrong, but it really does sound innocent. I doubt he would even show you the msg if it wasn't- surely he could have acted defensive and deleted it before you could see it as a better alternative than being caught out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Hello. you done the right thing first of all. Guys are like this they think its all fun and games but dont realise who they are really hurting.
Men are blind to the most simplest things but if it was only texting and he said he was sorry i think you should give him a second chance. you have kids and i think he would put them before anyone. x
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A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (22 October 2010):
Maybe you didnt overreact throwing him out but he says he's sorry for hurting you, so i think you should give him a 2nd chance, also considering that he's never cheated on you the past 13years you've been married. I think everyone deserves a 2nd chance so forgive him.
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