A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a male virgin who turns 30 this summer. This bothers me a lot, only because it makes me feel “nervous” around my friends.I don`t have any past experiences i can narrate to anybody. I didn`t think much about it when I was younger as I was an “emotional” guy, but now I just wish I`d gotten it over it, instead of it being a major problem for me today. Inspite of being a decent enginer , i feel like a loser.I need to try to do something with this issue, because it makes me real unhappy and I don`t see it changing any time soon if I don`t address my “problem”. Happy for any advice, especially from females. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Hey my man!
Look, having been 25 and just completed the act for the first time I feel good. I exhausted my options with dating, relationships, etc. and in the end after counseling it just made sense for me to do just do it and get it done with regardless of who it was with. My confidence was shit beforehand in fact I did have a few anon posts on here about it and if u look close you can find them lol. Forget about this garbage about "Feeling when the time is right" and "do it with someone you care for"...dont attach an emotion to such a natural, casual act. Why? Because of emotional risk. If Id banged the two women Id been with I would be on a rope hanging from a damn bridge cause Id been so depressed from the outcomes. If sex makes SENSE for you in the head then just do it and do it with anyone. PM me if you want details on my encounter cause cannot detail it here. It was very pleasant, satisfying, and yeah the woman was shocked lol, but like in a strange good way and she'd probably been with well...lets say she's a promiscuous woman.
When you cant sleep at nite and you constantly think about it and you feel alone and all that down bullshit, you know its time. Take the bull by the horns man, weigh your decision, and take some action. You have my support whichever you do. Good luck :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Hi! From a female virgin to a male virgin, I gotta say it's just one more thing you have to find in common with your future partner, just as you look for similar backgrounds. I'm sure there can be some experienced women who would also feel attracted to guys like you, but you should talk to them about it before getting serious in the relationship and finding out they aren't into virgins. Personally, I'd pick a virgin because I don't want to worry about STDs and stepkids hehe
So, stop saying it's a problem because it's got its benefits! The only problem is the people who are not capable of waiting for their better half because if it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be having this conversation!! lol
I also think sex messes things up, like my nephew, who had sex with his girlfriend and she told him she was pregnant to convince him to get married. They did, but a couple of months later, he found out she lied and divorced her. He has legal issues now, he's unemployed and he still has to pay lawyers and a monthly fee to that girl because it's the law. Who's here to blame? The answer is both, for engaging into sexual relations before marriage. If I tried that with any of the guys I've been out with, they would have thought it'll be another immaculate conception because otherwise, it wouldn't be possible. Don't ruin your life like my nephew and get to know who you're with before doing something stupid. I'm Catholic but I don't believe I'm a virgin because of that, but because I'm convinced it's the way to go. I never let guys lead me into it and I've got some serious proposals, but I believe we're not animals, cuz that's how they're acting like. Think of it as a present you shouldn't open until Christmas/Birthday/Graduation... By the time you get to open it, you'll enjoy it even more because you've been waiting for it so bad it took some effort for you and now you have it to do with it whatever you want! Watch the 40 Year Old Virgin movie and you'll see what I'm talking about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): I agree with Cerberus that if you're not meeting anyone, you need to go out and make some new friends. Be nice, friendly, your charming self. Women like a guy they can talk to, who can be funny and make them laugh. It won't matter that you're 30 and "inexperienced" as it sounds like you're intelligent and well educated -- that is more appealing to women than some guy who thinks he's a stud and can have any woman he wants (total turn off!!!)
The other issue that I've seen is - don't put all your cards on the table at once, keep an element of mystery. Girls go crazy for that. If you're too quick in confessing your emotions, you lose your appeal to a lot of women. (The same is true for women.) If you meet the right person though, and you know it, don't be afraid!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Thanks a lot , friends . it really helps me maintain my sanity.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Are you in a relationship at the moment? If not, of course that's the first step as I agree that these things don't just happen, you have to make relationships happen.
If you are with a more experienced girl who doesn't really love you, she might be a bit put off by the fact that you are a virgin.
But if you are developing a nice relationship where you both like or love each-other equally, I doubt it will be a problem.
Don't approach things like you think you have to make up for lost time. As long as you meet somebody, that's the biggest hurdle over with. The rest will follow when you are both ready and happy.
Things have to come naturally for you, rather than fulfilling a contract, something to tick off before the end of the year or whatever.
Things are only a problem if you make it a problem. The more it's built up, the more it becomes a problem.
You also need to be confident and sure of yourself as a person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Hello Dear! Well I don't see virginity as a problem, but I guess as a single man, you might have other ideas.My husband is Indian, but he was not a virgin when we were married. I think if he was still living in India, his parents would have tried to make sure that he was married off long before 30 and then virginity would not have been an issue.I have the impression that it is fairly easy to secure a wife via a traditional marriage. Is that something you have considered or are you not heading down that path? I think in that situation, your new wife would probably be expecting and hoping for someone sweet and innocent, just like her.If you are seeking a romantic liason outside marriage, well then everyone is giving you good advice, so smile, get involved, be friendly and don't stress over it unnecessarily. It will happen when the time is right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): I think the others have given good advice but they kinda failed to address the issue. No offence to the other posters but destiny, fate and just waiting around, believing someday it will happen is not going to work for you, because you don't believe that, you can't force yourself to believe it and having that kind of attitude is going to make sure it doesn't happen. Because at our age, as men we have to go out and actively pursue women, woo them and date them. You have a mental block about this due to your lack of inexperience, when in fact most women don't really care about inexperience.
The big question is do you date? You say at 30 you haven't had any notable past experiences so I presume you haven't dated anyone that seriously, if at all.
Well it's time to change that. You wanted a females perspective and that's what you got, but you have to remember from a female point of view waiting for that someone special to come along is valid, because women are the ones that get approached for the most part. All they have to do is dress to impress, be happy, confident and wait, because a guy will come along and make the moves. Because it us guys who have to do the chasing.
It's better for you look at things from a mans point of view, because I bet you money that if you asked Gabrielle Stoker, TasteofIndia, reader anon (who I'm guessing is female) and female anon, what the best chance a man has of getting with them, is if he approaches and makes an effort to get to know them. Even a guy they might not necessarily find immediately attractive can have a chance if he's well groomed, confident, happy and can hold a decent conversation with them (with similar interests) and above all is true to himself.
I was similar to you in my teens, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20 because I didn't really care about it that much. I cared more about being respectful and treating women nicely (too nicely as it turned out). I lost my virginity by chance, a drunken mistake with a friend on my 20th birthday.
I'll tell you what I learned that night:
1. Virginity is a bullshit concept, there's nothing special or amazing about it. It's like the first time you jump into the sea, at first you build it up in your mind as big thing but once you're in you wonder why you were so nervous about it.
2. The best way to achieve anything in life is not to think too much about it and just go do it. Nothing is as hard to achieve as you think it is. If being a virgin is a problem then just go out and solve it, you know how to. You just go out and date, you don't let nerves stop you, you don't let inexperience stop you, you don't let your mind stop you, you just do it.
Truly the only way you're going to get over this problem is by forgetting your inhibitions and just jumping into the sea, it might be cold at first, you might want to get out but if you stay in there and keep flapping your arms and kicking your legs eventually you'll be swimming. You just have to stop thinking about it and go do it, you have to keep trying and keep talking to women and getting to know what they want, and how they like to be treated. It's the only way.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 I believe being a virgin till marriage is not very unusual in India (or so some of my Indian friends/acquaintances have told me). There's certainly nothing in it to make you feel awkward around your own friends.
The time will come when the time is right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Im a 21 year old female and a virgin. I'm dating someone but I just don't feel ready. I'm alot younger that you but being from the UK people act like it's the weirdest thing ever. I have to admit sometimes I feel quite embarrassed about telling people but sometimes I feel really proud. It makes me different from others and we have to remember that we are not all the same. We all have our own minds, lives and experiences. It is our choice how we act in life. People try and make us feel weird because we are not in the 'majority' but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Just take your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Its ok....i see you are from India. Most Indian people prefer waiting till they are married ( atleast that's what my Indian friends told me) before they have sex and frankly speaking ; there's nothing lame about it - infact its nice to wait for your better half. :)
And you are definitely not a loser so don't worry. When the right time comes - you'll be glad you waited. :)
So relax!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Hi there..
I can understand what it feels to be a virgin. Even though, i am younger than you.. yet i know virginity is scary. I am 19 yrs. Old girl. I want to help you to the best of my ability. So i'l suggest you not to worry about these silly things.
Infact you should be proud of yourslf that u were able to hold it so long as men like you are rarely found.. Who keep themselves reserved for their better halfs..
There is nothing about to worry and u r not a loser..:)
infact when u'l love some1 special & it wil not take efforts to do so.. Let urslf flow in that motion..
Trust me.. It will worth waiting for..
If u r nt a gud human being first, u r nothing.
Have a happy life ahead.. Love urslf first and keep smilng..:)
hope this helps..:-)
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Hi, sweet. I wouldn't be too nervous around your guy friends. I really think that most guys in their 30's will have calmed down the wild sex talk. That seems so frat guy to me. Really juvenile. Despite the odds, most guys do eventually grow up (kind of).
I don't think you're a loser at all, I think that you're going to make a woman feel really special one day. Have you dated in the past? Have you tried online dating, or getting involved with more activities? If you really want to try something fun, try out theater. You could volunteer to build sets, usher for a night, anything. There are tons of available women hanging around there and hardly any eligible bachelors to speak of! I'm just saying, it's an under-appreciated avenue where there are lots of women looking. Also, yoga. But if you're not that adventurous, just try getting into new situations and meeting some people. Bowling, Volunteer Work, taking a class, anything new for you. Seems like you're really unhappy right now... maybe getting involved in something for fun would help bring a smile to your face. And chicks love smiles. Go easy on yourself, relax and just be you. Your virginity makes you a catch and a half. :o)
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