A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a situation which could have serious ramifications for other people, not just my wife and I.My wife and I are married for 7 years now, have 2 great kids, and are timing out having a 3rd child. The issue is, when I was younger (18-19), I had a thing with this woman from work (I was an intern while in college, she was 24 and out of college). She was engaged to a guy who lived about 4 hours away. They were getting married and she was moving up to live in his town. Well, she got pregnant. She confided to me that according to the timing, it was my child. I know that pregnancy isn't always 9 months, my wife was 8 months and about 3 weeks for each of ours. But this woman I was involved with insisted that she hadn't see her fiancée in 3 weeks and it was mine.I was just a kid and she was engaged and getting married, I didn't want to ruin her engagement, so I agreed to just stay out of the picture completely. They went on and got married, she sent me some pics of 'their' son in the first few years of marriage. Her husband thought of me as a cute immature kid who just worked with his wife (then fiancee when we worked together). I havent' seen or talked to her in years and years. I got married, and we bought a house and moved on and never kept in touch with her again.I have told my wife this whole thing, and my wife is the problem now. She thinks I should look up this person and see about getting visitation so our 2 kids can get to know their 'half-brother'. I think this is a completely terrible idea. This is a dead and buried part of my past. I was honest with my wife about it, and I'm sure that this woman and her husband would never ever want to hear from me. It could break up their marriage if he found out he wasn't the father. For all I know they have 5 more kids and have a great marriage, I don't want to ruin that for the sake of seeing a person to whom I was a sperm donor, not a father.Am I right, tell my wife to drop this stupid idea?
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male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (31 March 2009):
 Hello,
You said, “If my wife all of a sudden told me she had a kid with some other guy but gave it up or had an abortion, our marriage would be over.”
Fair enough. However, I ask you to consider this; what if your wife felt the same way? What if she thought, “if he slept with another woman and got her pregnant before he met me, I’d just rather not know about it.”
Your wife has been put in the position of confronting information she may never have wanted to know. You are now in the position of dealing with her response, which is to advocate honesty. She may claim that she wants the kids to know their biological half-sibling, but I get the feeling that she may be telling you she wants a full and honest disclosure. People don’t always say what they are saying, if you get my meaning.
I think you need to do the right thing by this man and child. I know people who found out years later that their dad isn’t there biological dad. It happens more and more frequently these days. Most blood-tests can raise Red Flags, not to mention a (more and more common) DNA test. Now more than ever such deceptions have a way of coming out in the open.
I’m sorry if you may not like this response. I hope that you will not simply dismiss it.
I think it is better you initiate the honesty, rather than receiving an angry knock on your door one day down the road. Can you really live under that shadow? You are not protecting a marriage. That is just a convenient way to justify your continued participation in this deception. Please stop phrasing your actions in altruistic prose.
Good luck in doing the right thing.
A
female
reader, SweetSerendipity  +, writes (29 March 2009):
We have only heard a fraction of the story from your perspectives only. Your wife's perspective has only been - based on what is written here - what just what your wrote: ".....I think she thinks she is doing the right thing by wanting our children to 'know' their half-brother ...".
So right now, of the four adults concerned, we have only heard from one and a quarter maybe. We don't know whether you have discussed this with the woman (and her with her husband) so all the answers right now are based on fragmented information.
We could all be saying here "YES you are absolutely correct in leaving it alone", but all these opinions could be redundant if the facts are (a) she and her husband have agreed to do the "right thing" - at least medically -, or (b) she in fact is no longer with her husband (divorced or passed away), or even (c) the child looks nothing like the father that he keeps asking "why" - which brings back to point (a) before.
So if you came back with an update on what has transpired between the mother and her husband (regarding this son that you allegedly fathered), you may [or may not] get the same type of [previous] answers then.
Either way, since you have already mentioned this "alleged son" of your wife, until it is clarified by a DNA test, your wife will continue to think about this for the rest of her natural life.
There is actually a middle ground on this. A sworn avit davit (not to pursue the matter except for paternitiy test only) and involving the husband (DNA sample can be sent by post to a lab that you agreed to, and that results only sent to your address). Plus, an agreement with your to leave things alone after that paternity test is done. Irrespective of the result.
Jas
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): If you can't convince her on your own that it is a BAD IDEA, let her read these answers! The majority here think that it would hurt too many lives, and should be left alone!
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (29 March 2009):
 Why does your wife so want to do this? It seems so obvious to everyone else involved how much hurt this will cause- and how SHE has no right to do this (or anything to gain, since your attention will have to be shared with a child you fathered outside of your marriage).If anyone has the right to say anything- or anything to gain- contact with your child; it would be you. You have already consented to let your child grow up being raised to believe that her husband is his dad. To change this now would hurt their whole family- and your son may end up with no 'dad' to grow up with at all.I can only think that she is actually doing this to try and regain some control over the situation- or at least to take some of the control away from the other people involved- feeling hurt that she has been kept in the dark for so long, (or just feeling that she is not a part of this history- i'm not sure how recently you told her) or just feeling the need to thrash out her emotions, either to hurt you, herself or everyone involved. At any rate, I really can't understand how she could be so blind to how much hurt this could cause. Has she really just got rose tinted glasses towards trying to gain a half brother for your two children together?
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female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (29 March 2009):
 Oh me... Please just leave it alone. You may be this little boys "father" but you are not his daddy. He has a dad. He has a mom. He has, more than likely, bonded with his paternal family. This could very well ruin lives. Even this little boys life. No one is thinking of that fact here in the aunts. He more than likely wouldn't be that welcoming to you or his step mom, half siblings. He has not a clue who you guys are. I think you wife has seen one to many lifetime movie network movies where long lost families are reunited, and they all live happily ever after. That's not going to happen. I understand what happened between you two years ago. Yes, you two had sex, she got pregnant by you, told her finance it was his, asked you to please play along. Ok, yes its wrong, but what's done is done. Years have passed, relationships have been built, etc. Your wife believes this will have a wonderful out come, but she has no sense of reality in this situation. To the point that its ridiculous and sad.
Leave it alone. If someone from that side contacts you guys, then welcome him with open arms. If not, let it go. Think about him. That would be devastating to find out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): It seems that a lot of the answerers here have confused the theme of his whole question! This is a very serious question, that has nothing to do with you being a dead-beat dad...it has to do with a family, going on with thier lives and someone about to throw a bomb right into the center of it! What good can come out of it? Your wife and kids will be aware of another member of thier family? What about the other inocent family? LEAVE IT ALONE! It could cause so much pain and destruction, that obviously, your wife isn't thinking about. Tell her to imagine if It was the other way around and she was the one living with this knowledge that one of your children were not actually yours. Would she want the other man to come barreling into her life upsetting the lives of you and your children? I wouldn't give in to your wife...she is wrong on this! Respect the privacy of this family!
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, Johnnyboy03 +, writes (28 March 2009):
 Just because some of them had advice you don't agree with or didn't want to hear doesn't mean they should re-think it. If you only wanted people to agree with you, then you should have stated as much. What you do is, obviously, your own decision. To be honest, if I put myself in the other man's shoes I would want to know. Regardless at the personal cost to me. If my father was not my biological father, I would also want to know. It's better then living your whole life on a lie. That's just MY opinion. A marriage based on a lie isn't all that great of a marriage anyways.I do understand it is embarrassing for both you and the women that had an affair with you. (more so for her.) It's a hard situation to confront, and it would take a lot of guts to do so. The choice is really up to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): I read a couple of these responses and in truth got bored with people grabbing hold of the wrong end of the stick. I'm with you on this one. Leave this 'son' well alone. You do not know what damage finding out the man he believes is his dad, isn't. Tell your wife you understand what she wants and in an ideal world it would be lovely to believe you could all be happy and not cause any damage to anyone.
Say that if, your son should ever look for you guys your happy that she is prepared to be welcoming but, for now can she just leave things alone. I hope everything works out well xxxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): OK, now this has turned into stupid nonsense answers. The one poster doesn't even get that it is my wife, not the 'ex-fling-thing' that is pursueing this, she doesn't even know about this.The latest poster doesn't have a clue. I didn't shirk my responsibility, the girl was engaged to someone else, so I let it go. If she didn't marry the guy and him thinking this was his kid, I would have stepped up and taken care of it. I would have provided for him and everything, you totally missed the point of my question.I did the right thing then by letting him think this was his biological kid, and they now have a happy marriage (at least as of about 4 years ago, I lost contact). I would agree ONLY if there was a medical reason to be involved, but otherwise, I stand by my opinion that I shouldn't ruin their marriage. And, yes this would ruin a marriage. If my wife all of a sudden told me she had a kid with some other guy but gave it up or had an abortion, our marriage would be over.Re-think your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Do NOT get involved this other family, in any way. Tell your wife no. I hope that she doesn't take it upon herself to contact these people. It could ruin a marriage, and many lives. I can't imagine if someone told me that I wasn't the father of a kid I raised; the impact would be incredible. Too much time has gone by. This would be cruel on so many levels. Just becuase your wife wants her children to have a relationship with a 1/2 brother -- is she insane to complicate not onoly their lives, but your lives, too? Does she hate you? Is she trying to punish you in some way because she is angry with you, and may not even no why she is making these decisions to contact this other family? She has not thought this through, and, if she has, she is very selfish to inflict such pain on so many. Aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbours, business associates, etc etc, would all know -- tell wifey to keep her mouth shut, but do so in a way that she doesn't end up contact the family herself -- you know, a woman scorned....
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (28 March 2009):
 Did you ask the other woman why she suddenly wants you to know that the said child is yours? The thing is, if you were to drop this now, there is no stopping the mother to continue telling the child that you are his biological father.My suggestion is, if you feel strongly about your role as only being a sperm donor only, then get a lawyer to draw a legal statement that she needs to sign [that she would not seek financial nor psychological support whatsoever]. Then get a DNA/paternity test. If he is not yours, case closed. Permanently. If he is yours, with the legally bound statement, you need not worry about the potential sue or claims in the future either.But your wife does have a point. For medical reasons at least. Worst case scenario - even if the probability is one in a billion - one of your children may or may not meet and fall in love with the boy in the future .. only to find out later it is incest. On the positive side, you and your children are the closest blood relatives for medical reasons [or medical history].If he is indeed of your DNA, just because the son knows he has half siblings, or your children have a half-brother, it does not mean that they have to visit each other now. Your children can do that when they are older if they want to do that themselves. But at least they too, know. Again, since your wife thinks that you did nothing wrong in the past, it should also be not a problem telling your children about this either. As for her own husband or other children, right now you don't know their situation so there is no point in speculating. Unless you know the facts already, which you can do after your discussion with her (or your wife can do the discussion with her over the phone)CatPS. Though the situation was different as I was an adopted child, but knowing my birth siblings was a great help medically for me and my parents.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Hi, Thanks for the answers so far. I'm glad to see that you all agree with me, just let this one die.
As for the most recent poster, the laws in USA wouldn't allow her to sue me for back support since she's married and he is on the birth certificate. If they ever got divorced, then she could try and find me, get a dna test and then sue for support from that point forward, not for previous/back support, so no, I don't think that is the issue at all with my wife.
I think she thinks she is doing the right thing by wanting our children to 'know' their half-brother. My opinion is that I'm not the kids father, never will be, and at most was the sperm donor. End of my story.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 March 2009):
 I think you are right, it would hurt too many people to just re-appear in this child's life after all this time. And you have no concrete proof that you are the father to this child - the woman may have told you that you were the father but you have no idea if she was telling the truth.
If you were to try and get rights to this child, I am pretty certain that her husband would want a DNA test. So you would have to go through all of that - and could come out at then end that her husband is the father - so you would have brought all this heartache and pain for nothing.
I cant see why your wife thinks this is a good idea - no good would come of it! Your children would be confused that all of a sudden daddy has another child with someone that isnt their mummy - they may feel threatened that you will love this other child more than them. And as for the child in question; he wont want to have another father, right now he will have a happy life and you showing up would just make a whole mess of his life.
You need to explain to your wife that too many people will get hurt if you do what she wants you to do - right now you have a happy life and this other woman with her child has a happy life; there is no good reason to make things complicated.
I hope she understands and drops this idea - she clearly is not thinking about the implications of all of this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Good heavens, I'm completely with you. Some things are better left, and this sounds like one of them. Do not interfere with these other peoples' lives on the basis of a questionable allegation from years and years ago, and for no good reason. What a terrible thing to do! Who cares if your kids have a half-sibling out there?
Ask your wife how she'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot. I can't imagine she'd like her life disrupted like that. It's a dumb idea, and should be dropped and forgotten.
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