A
female
age
41-50,
*motional1980
writes:Boyfriend constantly texting and calling another woman....Please help, i have been with my partner for 4years and to be honest it hasnt been easy, after the 1st year he dumped me as he had feelings for a female friend.we got back together a matter of weeks later and he eventually stopped talking to her(his choice) for nearly 2 years,As we all tend to go in the same social circles we have both started talking to her BUT now they are texting/calling each other EVERYDAY, i have told him how i feel and how much it is hurting me and our relationship and he says he is sorry he doesnt want to hurt me and he will stop being the one to make 1st contact, that goes out the window the following dya until we had a huge bust up and i asked him point blank if he had feelings for her(he said no) they are just friends, i have tried explaining that you dont just text/call someone to ask how their dinner is at 1245 at night!! there is nothing sexual/graphic in the texts its banter as he has shown me once or twice.he doesnt text/call ANY of his other friends male or female as often.the last 3weekends he has been out till gone 5am and i find out he has been with her (as part of a group) but he says i am over reacting!!i dont know what to do, he says he loves me and i should trust him. how can i trust him though when he is prepared to hurt me and potentially our relationship just to keep in contact everyday?
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 I agree with SVC. The writing is on the wall. You can only take a relationship so far when one partner is not willing to make changes or help the situation. If you want to stop hurting, you are going to have to leave.
Just look at how much time you spend discussing her. This should not even be happening. The time for talking is done and the time for action has arrived. You have to find the courage to leave him. Then, if he is serious about not communicating with her, you could consider other options, but right now he is playing you and getting away with it.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 September 2012):
 This whole 'first contact' thing is nonsense, if he really loved you and cared about how upset you are over this, he would have already said to her 'this is causing problems in my relationship, please can you cut down the amount you are texting me/stop texting me' etc.
He seems to think that he is some kind of saint because he doesnt text her first, so that makes it all ok. It is not ok, at all, to be texting and calling each other this much, regardless of who starts it first. He is being so childish "Oh she started it, she text me first" - its utter crap! He should have told her to stop it, hence putting an end to this whole business.
I honestly cant see a way for you to be happy again with this man unless he stops talking to her altogether and only speaks to her in public when out as a group. And that is not an unreasonable request - you are not banning him from seeing her or speaking to her ever again, you just want them to stop acting like a couple by talking to each other so often in private, and that is not a massive request. If he cant do that for you then I would really question his committment to you, if he cant do something so simple then he clearly values her over you.
I hope you get closer to a decision pending on tonight's events, you cant keep living like this and something needs to happen soon.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 September 2012):
 Not making first contact is only part of it.
NOT replying is also part of it....
if you are hurting and he's not responsive to your requests and needs.... well the writing is on the wall.
you have to do what you need to do to make you happy.
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A
female
reader, emotional1980 +, writes (21 September 2012):
emotional1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just want to stop hurting, he tells me its me he wants and that they are just friends, he has agreed that the amount of texts has got stupid recently(he hasnt made first contact for the last 2days).
its now friday but we ( him and i) are going out tonight just the two of us, i just have a feeling she will try and get him to go clubbing tonight.
i think his answer will be the make or break choice im just tired of crying all the time.
i love him but he is slowly destroying me
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (20 September 2012):
 I'm pretty sure he's already cheated. Well he's definitely emotionally cheating, but I think he has physically as well. Of course when asking him he will say all the right things.... That's what these guys do! You watch their ACTIONS and forget the words. He cares about you so he goes out with this woman until 5am...? And they go out alone while you are at work, and even when you are home and available apparently they go out without you. It's right in your face and you are ignoring it because he is telling you sweet things. It's all bullshit. Stop being a doormat. I think you won't tell him to stop talking to her altogether because you have no confidence and know who he will choose, her. And it's sad you have resigned yourself to be manipulated and treated this way rather than being alone without him. You need to realize you can do better and have self respect. Only then will you not deal with such blatant inappropriate cheating behavior. If you allow yourself to be treated this way, you will be. He's taking full advantage of you and you are letting it happen. Stop listening to his bullshit and set some ultimatums. If he really loved and cared for you more she would be gone. He's cruel, yes. But putting up with it any longer makes it hard to feel bad for you.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 September 2012):
He can claim all he wants that his feelings for her are in the past, and yes they didnt actually get together - but he still left you with the intention of getting with her, so that is equally as bad. Dont let him off lightly just because they never actually got together - for all you know he was desperate to get with her (hence why he left you) and she was the one that decided it wasnt going to work.
In my original post I suggested that your boyfriend shouldnt be calling/texting her, but it is fine to talk when you are out with mutual friends - that wouldnt upset the rest of the group and it would still keep your friends happy, because in public you would still be talking, its just the talking privately between the two of them that needs to stop.
When you say they meet when you are working nights, do they meet just the two of them? If so, that is even worse than I originally thought!
Talking obviously is not working with him, hence why you need a calm conversation where you lay it down on the line. Either he stops meeting her just the two of them, and stops texting and calling her (he did this for 2 years, so there is no reason why he cant do it again) and only speaks to her when you are out in a group - or you leave. There is no middle ground, no more arguments, no more discussions about this, he can either choose you or her and that's the end of it.
You are not overeacting at all, you are 100% justified to ask him to stop this weird friendship that is going on, as I said before they have gone WAY past the normal boundaries of friendship with constant calls and texts, talking to each other late night etc.
Stop listening to his excuses, they are not good enough anymore. The arguments will stop if he stops talking to her privately, that is the easy way to fix this. If he loves you and wants you as much as he claims, he will be more than happy to do this for you. If he refuses you have to walk away as this will eat away at you forever.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (20 September 2012):
 I think you need to be prepared to leave this guy and never go back to him. I think you may be here hoping for a more positive answer, but I cannot think of one.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 September 2012):
 'I'm just hurting and he says all the right things when I get upset over the situation'
(This is manipulating. I bet when you ask him to NOT see her he doesn't say the right things)
'He says that his feelings for her are the past (they never actually got together) and that they are just friends, it makes it harder as all our mutual friends say its so much nicer that we all talk now'
(This is also manipulation, he may not have gotten with her in the past but he sure is trying now and using the 'our friends think it's better this way' tactic is a really shitty thing to do...do any of your friends really know what's going on with him and her?)
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 I would leave him. He can't be trusted. He still has feelings for her and obviously she's more important because he's putting way more energy into those texts than into you.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (20 September 2012):
You are not overreacting. You are the one being reasonable. He obviously still has some kind of feeling left for her if he is constantly texting and meets her when you are working.
You have two choices. You can stay and continue to listen to all of his lame excuses, or you can leave and start the healing process.
The relationship he has with this other woman is not healthy and neither is the one he has with you. If he is not responding to reason, then I would tell him it's either you or her, but you need to be ready to leave if he chooses her.
In my view, if you choose to stay, you are letting him disrespect you and belittle you in the worst way. Not to mention walk all over you. Behavior means more than words. Look at his behavior NOT what he says.
Many of us have been through something similiar and know how badly it hurts. But if you stay, that hurt will just deepen even more than it already has. If you leave, you can at least get back into a world that makes sense. Having mutual friends is hard, but I doubt all of those friends would want you to stay in a situation that was hurting you. And if they do, they aren't real friends anyway.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (20 September 2012):
 To be frank, it looks like you're simply a filler until he finds someone else. He already broke up with you to be with this woman. Do you know why the two of them didn't work out? Did he break it off with her once he realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side or did she dump him?
In either case, they should no longer be in touch. You let him hang loose and on his own free will he chose her over you. And after that slap in the face, he is once again spending an inappropriate amount of time with her.
Even if they didn't have a past together, their relationship would not be classified as appropriate. The fact that he broke up with you to be with her, well, that makes the "no contact policy" even more favorable. The fact that he is still talking to her should clue you what type of a person he is. It's a huge slap to your face and the longer you continue to be with him, the more you will be disrespected.
The second you have to ask any man to choose between you and a female "friend" that he treats as a romantic interest, you have already lost. There should be no competition. A man that loves you will choose you. Always. It's just a matter of time before he cheats on you or breaks up with you again. The sooner you accept that this man is not for you and he is not yours, the better off you will be. From what you write, he is single at heart and most definitely not committed to you. To trust him would be foolish and to stay with him even more.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (19 September 2012):
Break up with him. If he is spending this much time on another woman, he isn't interested in you anyway. I know that is harsh, but behavior says more than words. If he cares about you and only you, he should be using that time to work on the relationship with YOU, not someone else.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (19 September 2012):
 You need to tell him he must stop contact with this person altogether. Their friendship is too close now and because if their history would be too close at any level. It's as simple as that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): Honestly, you are wasting time with this guy....leave him already and do what it takes within reason to get over him...to get him out of your system. If he left you within the first year to be with someone else,that speaks volumes! I highly doubt he will ever fall in love with you in this lifetime my dear. It's best for you to just move on from this relationship and not waste anymore of your precious youth on this guy.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (19 September 2012):
You have two obvious choices. Talking to him has not helped. Option one you tell him hes lied because he didnt keep up his end of the bargain. At this point give him an ultimatetum. He cuts all contact with her. If he doesnt, leave him because clearly there is no respect, but if you stay together go to counselling to help your relationship. Option 2, dump him all together. Be done with him. You cant trust him when hes doing what he swore he wouldnt. He isnt showing he loves you by constantly going out w her. Hes crossing lines and you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, emotional1980 +, writes (19 September 2012):
emotional1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm just hurting and he says all the right things when I get upset over the situation.He says that his feelings for her are the past (they never actually got together) and that they are just friends, it makes it harder as all our mutual friends say its so much nicer that we all talk now.I feel like I could be over reacting but it just niggles that they always meet when I'm working nights and I'm not involved even on my days off.I've told him I'm sick of arguing all the time and he replies so is he and he loves me and his future is me.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 September 2012):
If he believes that what he is doing, by maintaining his 'friendship' with this woman, IS NOT damaging to you...then he is a complete jerk and it speaks volumns about his personality.
Don't let him tell you it isn't a big deal...it's on par with mental torture.
Would he tolerate you having cosy late night chats with someone you once left him for???
UMMM...NOPE!!!
He has totally abused and manipulated the fact that you haven't walked over this, to make sure he can keep the 'friendship' going.
The only way you can teach someone that this sort of thing is NOT ok is to leave them. There are not many people who would put up with this kind of thing, so why are you?
Your gut is screaming!
If it looks like bullshit and smells like bullshit...you can bet your arse IT'S BULLSHIT!!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2012):
IF it bothers you then you have to tell him that he has to make a choice.
BUT be advised that the last time someone told me to make a choice I chose the person not making the demand... so you have to decide are you willing to lose him over this (i would be) and if so then you tell him... her or me... and let the chips fall where they may...
the person that made me make the choice.. is someone i see now and again still and we are civil and friendly but not friends any more...
I would not be happy if my guy was out till 5 am all the time with friends in general much less with friends that are probably in some way trying to split us up.. once in a while (gaming cons come to mind for me)... is ok but not weekly or regularly..
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 September 2012):
He dumped you for this woman years ago, so you have every right to be upset about this.
You need to get tough with him - he has to stop talking to her and only see her as part of a group, or you are leaving. Simple as that. There is no need for him to find out what she had for dinner at 12.45am, that is WAY beyond the boundaries of normal friendship and you should not put up with it.
He is completely disrespecting you and showing you how little he cares about you. He lost all rights to be trusted when he dumped you for this woman, and now he is completely taking the piss by talking to her like this. This is not a normal friendship, they are talking way too often for this to be a simple friendship. As you said, he doesnt talk to any other friend like this, yet this happens to be the woman he left you for.
He obviously values her friendship more than he values your feelings, he doesnt care that he is huring you - she is more important than you at the moment.
You need to put an end to this - I think an acceptable situation would be that he never calls her or texts her, but they talk when they are out in a group. They cant go out alone, but talking to each other when they are out with mutual friends is fine. There is no need for him to call her or text her, he managed 2 years without her and if you really are the woman he wants to be with this wont be a problem.
If he refuses and wont do it, and goes with the old line of 'you should trust me' explain to him that he lost the right to be trusted when he left you for this woman. Explain that you trust him around anyone but her, and this 'friendship' has gone way past the boundaries of a normal friendship and you will not tolerate being disrespected like this. Tell him you are sorry but if he is choosing her over you then you are walking away and want nothing more to do with him.
You can do better than this, dont put up with it for a second longer.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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