A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hi, I was with supposedly the "love of my life" for 32 years. In 2008, I found out he was having an affair. He left my son and I for 2 months, and then returned, stayed for 3 months, kept seeing the other person and then left again. I have not seen nor spoken to him since he packed his bags on the 29th October 2008, he is dead to me, I divorced him. I lost my husband, my son, my family, my family business, my job, my income, my car, my house, some so called best friends, my self esteem, my identity, my will to live, everything. It will be 3 years on April 2011, and I still grieve. When will the hurt, pain, grief and anger disappear? I cannot keep living like this, it's slowly killing me. Has this happened to anyone else? I need help desperately as I cannot keep going on like this. Thanks for reading my question.Lace
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affair, best friend, divorce, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): Hi Lace! my name is stacy, I just wanted to say that i've experianced the same thing! several times in our marriage my husband has had affairs then returned. I lost every thing, children, family, friends,all the above! right now I have a baby due in may, and he decided to walk out!! His reason is because he doesn't want to support me and a baby! but he can pay some other woman's cell phone bill! It hurts really bad, BUT.. life will be much better once I get over the grieving process. The only answer I've come up with is.. God knows his plans for my life better than I do! He walked out, therefore he was never supposed to be a part of my destiny! Jesus is the way the truth and the light! Seek him and he will direct your paths. We were not put here to suffer, Jesus did that for us! God has another man planned for your life! Mine to! I will pray that God gives you wisdom, strength, hope, and courage. God bless you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): Lace,I am so sorry for your multiple losses and I really do understand your immense pain and suffering. I have "only" lost a portion of what you have, and I still feel much grief, after my husband left 4 years ago, and we divorced within a year. Nothing is the same as before. I am a very positive person, believe in God and have had a lot of counseling, and believe me, you are perfectly normal to still be grieving after that many years of marriage and that much loss. Don't believe any different. I read the book that was recommended below called "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher and another author, while attending a group workshop where we all went through the book together, with an excellent counselor who was trained personally by one of the authors of that book. It is a very good book and I highly recommend it. I actually should read it again myself as I know how much it helped. I think you are right that you likely lost your identity. I know I did, and I am finally finding a new one, but it does take time. It was either in the book mentioned above, or in another support group I went to, where I learned that the "experts" said 2 or 3 to 5 years was "normal" for being able to start really moving on after a divorce, for the person who did not want their marriage to come to an end, so please be patient with yourself. You have lost a lot, and you likely, like me, and so many others, have probably not had half of the support that a person who loses their spouse to death has had, yet you grieve just as much as they do, if not more. Even the counselor of the "rebulding" workshop told us he did not know what was worse, but thought that death was actually more merciful, because the spouse he lost through death did not choose to leave him, like the spouse he lost through a divorce that was not of his choice. I know it is very very hard to be proactive and try to move on, make new friends, find a new identity, but people do it, even if it is in tiny tiny baby steps, which I know for me it is. I have a long way to go, and I have taken big steps forward at times, and some backwards, up and down..., but that is normal too. The grieving process is not a progression of steps like a lot of people think. It is perfectly normal to go through the steps over and over and in no particular order.The only way through the pain is through it though, and you are going through it, and not just doing nothing. You proved that by reaching out to post your question here. You are worth the effort to try to let your caring self take care of your wounded self, and pull yourself along, encourage yourself even when no one else knows how to. I know how much it hurts if and when you don't have the support you need. People who haven't been through it, from inside of your unique mind with your unique heart just cannot understand how deeply you hurt, and caring people can have a lot of advice that actually hurts and makes things worse. Please know that they do mean well, but they just don't know. I know I am awful at asking for the kind of help I need, and even though I've tried to express to a few closer family members and friends, they still don't get just how much I just need someone to talk to more often than once every couple weeks, someone just to talk about every day significant or not even so sigficant things with, have a couple laughs with, even if it's just on the phone. It hurts a lot that even when I get brave enough and try to push my extreme self-consciousness away, I still didn't have the support I needed from people, except for from one person - and that is my mom. Thank God for her. Here she is, now 71 years old, and taking care of her older, dependant husband (my stepdad), and she is the only one who realizes how to be there.A big problem in this world is that everyone is so busy doing things that just take up time and add no value to anyone's lives, except maybe temporarily. People, including me at times, esp in the past when I was raising (my step-)kids, all get caught up in a whirlwind of business and forget to be there for the sick, the elderly, the grieving, and we don't have the patience to slow down and just be there for others in small but very meaningful ways for them, in ways that can be so healing. Try to forgive the people that hurt you by not being there when it seems they should care more, and should know you need them, who go on with their lives having fun with other couples, and don't ever even ask you to at least tag along, or invite you over to their houses or out for lunch, and you know how busy they are so you quit asking them because you don't want to bother them.Maybe that's not exactly your experience but for me - although I do love people and can be extroverted when I'm around people who are not opionated and judgemental people, a lot of the time I feel very self conscious and have a hard time asking for what I need. I think most people really are blind in this way, and have no clue how much some of us hurt because they are much more self confident, even after being rejected. It just doesn't affect some peole in the same way as it affects others of us, because of many different factors.We have to be proactive for ourselves though, and try to reach out and get the help we need. If people still aren't there for us, what I have finally figured out is that I have to just figure that I have gone through all of this pain so I can be there for someone else, and if I help just one person, I am going to feel good about that, and find my new identity in that way. I will not let all of this pain I've been suffering with be in vain. No way! Don't let yours be in vain either. You are obviously a caring person or you would not have tried to still make it work after your spouse cheated on you, and to me that says you are worth more than what he could see, or maybe what anyone else sees, besides God. I don't know if you are a christian, and if you believe God did create all of us with unique abilities, or at least to serve some kind of purpose - even if "just" to provide someone else the opportunitiy to express their unconditional love, but I do believe that, and it is the only thing saving me from staying in the deep paralyzing, overwhelmed, exhausted state I was in, and still can get sucked back into temporarily at times. I did not know until recently though, about my abilities/gifts, and found out that the same abilities - which can attribute to me being able to acheive more than I ever thought existed inside me, also contribute to my deep sense of loss over anything, esp relationships. I'm convinced for those of that who do care so deeply about people, also experience loss much more deeply, and must not get decieved into thinking we are hopeless because we have not moved on as quickly and effeciently as the majority of people out there, who may not have quite as much difficutly with that. I know this was very long, but it was so important to me to put this out here and I hope you see it. I also hope that other people see it and know that if they have anyone go through an unwanted divorce in their lives - no matter who filed the papers, if they didn't really want it to happen, please understand that some people greive very deeply and need a lot more support than others. Just be there for them, ask them to go do things to get them out and not by themselves too much, let them know they are worth your time, even if it is just to talk on the phone a couple times a week - not just e-mail, or texting... Invite them to do things with you and your other half or even your family on or around the holidays - holidays are very very painful for some of us in so many ways. Again, I am a very positive person, yet I have been in a lot of pain, and the worst thing you can do - no matter how good your intentions are, is to give advice that may make a grieving person feel there is something not right with them. They were already left behind, are already scared... they need to know you believe in them.Lace - I believe in you even if I don't know you. You can do this, one day at a time, one step at a time. Even if you backslide - and people always do - keep gettng back up and you will get there. I know you didn't want this, but it might help too, to try to think that this might be a good chance to be creative and re-invent yourself. It helps me to see that. When I'm tired though, I can be very cynical and not think that at all. That's OK though, because I know that isn't the real me. After I get enough sleep and rest, and listen to God's word - on tv, in praise and worship music(really upbeat stuff - like Chris Tomlin or Mercy Me), I start to feel better and more positive again, and know that the cyncial thoughts aren't coming from who I really am, but just the lies of the world, the lies we are much more prone to believe when we have rejected by someone we gave our lives to. Laci - take care of yourself and get the support you need, whatever is healthy and works for you - the unique person you are. Sorry this turned into a book but I hope something here helps. Bless you as you continue to hurt, but as you are also healing - going through the pain - to get through it. You will get through it and it will get better.Sincerely,~ Your Sister in Suffering (and Healing)
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reader, DeadEyeDick  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 32 Years is a helluva long time, that's as long as I am old, I can only use my common perception and common sense to try and help you out, you never mentioned if you were still in love with him? or are you more scared and hurt at the fact it was an affair? look I don't suspect you have even the first clue about what to do next, you haven't been available for 32 years, haven't met anyone, haven't felt the touch of another mans hand, the kiss of another mans lips, truly do not think you will start to feel better until you realize the passion and worth of another mans love! the betrayal is something entirely different, that is what I believe is plunging you into an abyss of depression, and that is what I believe you should really go get help for, but trust me, we have all felt your feelings here, that is kind of why we all band together and try to help people like you, I found that is what helped me get through my loss of a girl I was with for 10 years, was getting on here and trying to help other people get through the phase of feelings that I had just barely gotten through myself, we feel your hurt, your pain, your agony, and your misery, that is what has all brought us together, now you are a part of the rest of us, but you really need to whip this in the ass, and quick before your mental state deteriorates even worse, take action now, please!
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (31 January 2011):
 My heart goes out to you! I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. The other agony aunts have given you some excellent advice.
I am very concerned about you. By the tone of your question, you seem to be severely depressed. Have you received any counseling and have you been prescribed antidepressants? You definitely need to work with a professional counselor (psychologist or psychiatrist). If you don't "click" with one counselor, try another. And you need to talk to your family doctor or a psychiatrist about antidepressants.
Have you looked for any support groups for divorcees? I think this might be a great way to vent some of your frustrations and meet people who have been down the same road you have. It's comforting to find others who are dealing with the same issues you are. Plus, this can lead to some new friendships.
If you don't mind me asking, why have you lost your son? Do you have joint custody, or visitation? Or is he an adult now?
Please keep us updated. My heart goes out to you! Good luck!
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female
reader, smilieegurl +, writes (31 January 2011):
 A divorce is, to me, like a death. It's the death of hopes and dreams. It is the death of a secure future. It displaces you and your mind, your heart, your soul. For 32 years you were entangled with this man and he not only left you, but he betrayed you beforehand. I found a very interesting article on the internet that I definitely think you should check out:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-takeIt gives a good explanation about how long it "should take" someone to "get over" a divorce, as well as the Top Ten Do's and Top Ten Don'ts to help you get over your divorce. It does mention the following:"I will add a note here also to those may be beyond the time it "should have"taken. If you are three or four years post-divorce and you find that you are not letting go, my best guess (without assessing you personally) is that you are practicing one of the top 10 "don'ts and that you don't have adequate emotional support."Personally, I truly think you could benefit by seeing a counselor. There are also some excellent books out there on the topic of divorce:1) Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends by Sandra S. Kahn;2) Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition by Bruce Fisher; and3) The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson.Above all, I hope you get the help that you need soon! You deserve to move past this man and on with your life. I truly believe that there IS a new life waiting for you out there. This is the time in your life that you must prepare yourself and be ready for that new life when it does come along. I know it feels awful right now, but you will survive this!
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reader, Godchild +, writes (31 January 2011):
I been separated for over a year I still grieve, im bitter, im surely not the same person I was going in. I started getting counselinh from my paster and a dr. Im not done still have a long way to go. I wish you luck on regaining your life. You desreve the best and you still have a life to live.
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reader, dearkelja +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Hi Lace,
I too have gone through a divorce. Though I did not have the additional esteem killer like an affair. But it seems that what you have lost is your identity. You want to get better and that is a great start. It's time to rebuild. Even if the job isn't what you thought you would be doing, get one. This will give you a purpose in life and perhaps some new friends. Home is where your heart is so be kind to your heart and be at peace in your new surroundings.
Get some professional help, a good counselor has been through this with many people and I know he/she will help you. You have got to get back out there and take one step at a time. Grief should not be consuming you after this long. There will always be some sorrow even 20 years down the road but there should be some sunshine filled days by now.
Is your son lost to you forever or do you think he's avoiding you because it's just too painful to be around you?
It's time to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. Take care and all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): 32 years is a very long time compared to three. It takes a long time to "get over" 32 years. However, like mystiquek said, you shouldn't still be feeling so depressed about it -- you should feel better, at least a little.
I highly suggest you talk to someone about this and seek help. If you can't afford a counselor, check into programs that provide counseling at low-cost. If you live in a town where there is a university, their counseling programs often have discounted rates for you to see a master's or PhD student doing a practicum. You might also see if a woman's organization in your city can connect you with an affordable counselor.
Please invest some time and money into yourself. You'll feel better emotionally and physically and be able to move on with your life. You are worth so much more than your husband has made you feel.
Best of luck.
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reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (31 January 2011):
 to quote a famous author "the time and place are of no importance" what is important is that you are. you need to appcreciate that fact and work on making your reality meaningful to you in a positive way. we don't need other people or possesions to exist. you have to train your mind to focus on the good bits in your life and expand them. it doesn't take long. counselling would help.
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I am so sorry for the pain that you have experienced and are still experiencing. Divorce is a horrible, horrible thing to go through. I have been there. Basically it is a death. Your husband was unfaithful so that makes things all the worse, and then he left, and came back and left again. So of course you felt devastated and still do. But...you have to try to go on. Have you went to a counselor? A doctor? Yes, you do have to grieve, but after 3 years sweetheart..you should be starting to feel at least a little bit better. Its horribly unhealthy for you to still be feeling like you have nothing to live for! I'm assuming your husband has moved on, but you haven't. Why??? Have you even tried? You know, there is medications that could help you, there are programs you can go to, where there are people you can talk to who too have experienced losses. You need to start living again, sweetie. You really do. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you've got to TRY. The past is the past, its done and you can't go back. But you can go forward. One baby step at a time. But sitting around doing nothing is not going to help. Trust me, I have been there. I walked away from a marriage of almost 20 years. I had NOTHING. 6 years later I am in a very good place, and am much happier than I was. Please please...seek out help ok? Its out there..just reach out, like you did to us on DC. Please..do it for yourself. Let us know how you are.
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reader, TEM +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Experts say it takes 3-5 years to grieve a major loss, such as the death of a spouse or a divorce. Things are supposed to slowly get better as you move through the stages of the grieving process.It sounds like you are not making progress. Rather you have added to the loss, because of your inability to function. If you've lost your will to live that is serious. Have you seen a mental health professional? It seems as if you are in a downward spiral and are quite depressed. Please make an appointment to see a qualified doctor. I'm sure there are people in your life that will help you if you ask. This is the time to lean on them.
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reader, AbscentMinded +, writes (31 January 2011):
 MMMM k here is the deal. As a guy it is our natural instinct to sleep with as many women as often as possible. It is common for a man to see other women and lust for them, OK that being said we are also given the common sense and wisdom and most of us self control to say hey I am married she is off limits.
If he was born that stupid then he will never change and you are better off telling him to go f himself. That being said it is not you. I am sure you are a beautiful, intelligent woman. You do not need a stupid MFer like that. You can always do better. He's out there just keep looking and forget the drama of the past. move on and give him the finger.
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