A
male
age
51-59,
*exmex
writes:I'm totally freaked out. My wife of 13 years just admitted that a few days prior to our getting together she had a one night stand(drunk) with a high school friend of ours who she barely knew. She has NEVER told me this even though we dated for 4 years prior to getting married and I made it abundantly clear that her previous sex life was important to me. Plus, she claims she loved me at the time and we had slept together a few weeks before the 1 nighter. I feel like this is false advertising and I am pissed off as hell. I can see if I didnt care but she knew very well that I did and lied anyway. This is the ONE that I most deserved to know about as well.. What should I do???? The trust is gone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Hey Buddy,
This might have been a surprise but women can cheat, be visious and even try to kill, when the hubby comes to know. I have an ex wife who after 23 years of our wedding, went about into a new lifestyle. She started dating, sleeping with others adn when she got caught, she blackmailed me with some secrets of family, became absolutely in human, took away my children, robbed me off my property and sent one of her boy friends to threaten me! Having lost heavily emotionally, financially and became ridiculed, I am trying to lead a quiet life and I still have headaches with her blackmails and using the law to her benefit.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): It's typically feministic to deprive the male of any compassion while lavishing every bit of it to the female and affording (if not supplying) her with every excuse to disrespect or disregard the opposite sex.
TexMex, if your wife expects respect and trust from you (rightly so in the union that is marriage), then you deserve the same. BTW, the union is between her and you, and no one else!
If something is important to her, dutifully, it would be imperative that you appreciate this and resolve any issues together to ensure the love and understanding in the union. Likewise, if something is important to you, it is equally imperative that she appreciate how you feel and work together for the same reasons.
Time is irrelevant in the union, irrespective of whether this irrelevance works for or against your wife's or your needs. As it always has been, love and respect are two foundations in marriage all too often conveniently overshadowed by feministic needs.
Best of luck for the future.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (7 October 2007):
Thats an interesting and thoughtful response Eddie. I would have been with my future wife either way. I find your story about the party very interesting. I wonder how this husband of the woman you were with in high school would have felt if you had had sex with her a matter of days before you she got with him, you had never talked to her again and then he asked her about it again and again only to be lied to and then was put in a position where(without any choice) he was around you with no knowledge of what had happened. You think he would have been happy about that situation??? Would anybody? Its also interesting that the hostess asked if it would be ok with him. Sounds like she was aware of the possible sensitivity of the situation and let them go in to with their eyes wide open. I know some of wifes previous partners and have been around them with out any problems. Thats because I knew and had at least some choice in that situation. I was stripped of that in this situation. I can understand if it was someone I didnt know or ever have to be around. But to lie about someone we went to high school and occassionally see is unacceptable. Strangly, your response does more to support my point of view than my wifes but I appreciate your thoughts anyway.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 October 2007):
 I think some counseling would help you two. She may not have told you what she did but she really wasn't your partner yet. I can understand that you made your desire to know her personal details clear to her, that was your mistake. Her mistake was allowing you to feel you had the right to know. You put an unreasonable burden of truth on her and she should have called you on it then. Since what happened was her business and she didn't care about it, she saw no point in telling you. She knew she couldn't tell you because of your attitude.
Why is it so important to dig into your wife's personal life. What if she dissected yours. You can't make your desires acceptable just by making them known. It's like if you tell you fiancée you're going to be a wife beater and she still marries you, she should have known better. It's still not right.
I've been married 21 years. My wife and I went to a party last night. There was a couple there. I knew the female because we had sex while in high school, first time for both of us. Her husband knew who I was. He was a gentleman. I don't know how he felt but he sure acted great. This was the second time I'd met him. Before my wife and I were invited to the party, the hostess asked them if they were OK with it. Nobody seemed to mind.
In the end, you set the bar very high. Yes she didn't tell you what happened but that was becasue she was afraid to lose you. If you set the bar to high, you'll never find anybody who meets your standards.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (4 October 2007):
It was before we got together(3 weeks). She was 18 and according to her she had barely any recollection(just a flash in the middle, nothing leading up to or after) because she was so drunk. Because of the unsusual circumstances she wanted to block it out completely and according to her this was as much about self preservation as it was hiding it from me. I would have been with her regardless. Sh'es terrific. She was my best friend for a couple of years before we dated. I loved her before we were even a couple as a friend. It may seem irrational to some but this lady is my life and I believe this is why it has affected me this way . Its up to me to get over it but some times its hard to control your thoughts. I suppose I just need time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): What can you do It was such a long time ago, I would be furious? But why tell you now? I feel for you as you probably fell like your whole relationship was a lie, would you have stayed with her a the time if you knew? If you do decide to stay with her it's up the her to build your trust up again . If you can't trust her there is no point?
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reader, Asexy +, writes (4 October 2007):
 I'm sorry you feel that way, Houston/TexMex. I think it will make any reconciliation more difficult. But I disagree very strongly that "most men" would feel that way. I certainly don't.
(And before you get all nasty on me for having an opinion that is different from yours, no, I don't lie to my Spouse, and no, I'm not pussy whipped.)
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reader, Houston +, writes (4 October 2007):
Past relationships are private even if you have to be around the guy in question, you know him very well, and it occurred literally day before you got together. If it was anonomous MAYBE but not when its part of your immediate social circle. Most men would feel EXACTLY like I do.
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reader, Asexy +, writes (3 October 2007):
male anon said: "Sure. Your wife could be a crack whore in her previous life and that's just none of the hubby's business since it's in the past. No worries Tex, these girls just hate men."
You realize that's ridiculous, right? Houston/TexMex said that other than this she's been a wonderful wife and the love of his life. She's been absolutely faithful. Past relationships, as long as there are no STDs and no children, are private.
Are you sure that you're not actually Houston/TexMex trying to get some sympathy?
And "these girls" don't hate men, they just hate someone who starts piling abuse on them for giving their opinions, when the opinions were ASKED for.
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reader, stina +, writes (3 October 2007):
 Hello Tex,
Another view from a staunch feminist, here.
From reading your posts, I can tell that you're obviously very angry. (That's one of the reasons I'm not going to address your ignorant outbursts anymore than this one note.)
Okay, back to your question and enough with the accusations and comments that are spiraling out of control and have nothing to do with the problem...
I would like to seriously ask you, have you considered going to couples counseling with your wife? I think it might be able to help the both of you provide an atmosphere where you can let all of your feelings out without going ballistic at the same time. Having a professional in the room that will allow the both of you equal time and fair opportunities to tell the other what is on your minds could really help you work out the current problems in your relationship. With a professional helping you both, it would probably limit the number of angry outbursts so that the core issues could actually be worked through.
If I were in your position, I could care less if my husband slept with someone 13 years ago, BUT I would most likely be angry, hurt and upset that he would be able to lie to me for that many years. So in that sense, I can totally identify with your feelings.
You have to remember, though, to try to keep your cool. I'm mainly saying this because if you keep going over the top and exploding, it's really not going to be healthy for you! Perhaps you should try some techniques to stay calm. Take deep breaths, count backwards from ten, close your eyes and just have a blank mind for a moment- whatever will help.
Also, getting angry all of the time is probably not going to lead to anything but arguments between you and your wife. And most of the time arguments don't lead anywhere, right? So if you and your wife seem to not be able to do anything but yell at each other, then I have a suggestion: write all of your feelings down. Everything you can think of - how you are feeling now, why you're feeling the way you do, what about her sleeping with a friend bothers you, etc. And write down questions you'd like the answers to, as well. Then later, when you're in a better mood and can look at it without seeing red, go through and organize it. Make sure that everything is written out clearly and can be easily understood. (Your wife should also write down her feelings, etc.)
At this point, when the both of you have written everything out, you could sit down and read what each other has written. If I were you, I would do that one at a time. And I would read the whole thing without stopping. Then, at the end, once you have read EVERYTHING, that is when it should be discussed (not argued about). Ask each other questions about why you both feel the way you do, etc. Have a CONVERSATION and be HONEST with one another. The bottom line is not to rip into each other, but to figure out how to fix this relationship. What steps will you take TOGETHER to form a strong bond again?
Look, trust issues are some of the worst situations to deal with in a relationship. But it's obvious you two really do love each other , so isn't it better to try and set aside your anger for now so that you can actually concentrate on the relationship?
I would also like to add, you say that your wife is a pathological liar. What else has she lied about? Are you just saying this because you're angry? If it is, then you might want to knock down the sarcasm a notch when you speak with your wife because that does nothing but irritate people. Your wife already probably feels like crap (as do you, I know), but as I've mentioned that sort of behavior will not get a relationship anywhere. Think with love, don't act with hate.
Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): I feel your pain hunny trust is the foundation of any good marriage and this was obviously an important issue to you from the beginning. Find it in your heart to forgive her and know that there are penty of woman who know that honesty IS important no matter what you read here.
XXXXOOOOO
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Sure. Your wife could be a crack whore in her previous life and that's just none of the hubby's business since it's in the past. No worries Tex, these girls just hate men.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): What? The ladies were throwing stones and judging him right out of the gate. And it sounds like she lied to his face, not exactly an ommission. I'd be mad too if my wife lied to my face over and over and I think most men would also. Pretty natural. I suppose this is a place where normal guys can't ask a question. Too bad. As for name calling I quess there'll be a lot of people not welcome back.
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reader, Asexy +, writes (2 October 2007):
So is every female who disagrees with you a "feminist pig?" Wow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): It's all about you, isn't it. On one of your posts you think maybe your wife was taken advantage of or raped, and yet you still think she's a deceitful person (overall) for one omission. Maybe she didn't want to think about it at all, because it was hurtful to her, and yet you just made her marinade in it. To you, this is more about your "right" than her "hurt."
People here didn't start calling names until you did. And being able to understand WHY someone would choose not to level with you (like your wife couldn't), doesn't mean that the responder would choose to lie to their own partners. Slandering them is pretty nasty, and uncalled for when they're giving their honest opinions, which you ASKED for.
You don't like the answers, don't come back. No need for name calling.
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reader, Big Johnny +, writes (2 October 2007):
Looks like someone called this poor guy a jerk and narcistic for being upset that his wife lied about sex for over a decade and somehow those name calling reponses made it through and somehow his didnt? So much for even handedness. Not everybody with a a marital issue sees the world through female eyes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Tex, it's one thing to disagree with other people's thoughts and opinions. It's quite another to come back and slander/demean others. (feminist pigs, liars, decietful women blah, blah) With the exception of a couple answers, I thought most of the postings below, were very mature and well thought out. Funny how you just'pegged' the females Aunts. I did note that a lot of males disapproved of your actions, as well. Do I detect a hint of misogyny here? I don't know-you tell us? I just moderated another answer from you and I disapproved it. It was highly uncalled for. I have also voted to strike this most recent answer, off the site. You attitudes do truley bespeak of what type of person you are. Like suggested, I think you need some counseling. There is something wrong with a man's mindset and thinking when he comes back on this site and behaves in such an immature, childish way. I am done here...I'm moving on, to help nice people who appreciate input and have something intelligent to say. Take care, Tex
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reader, Texmex +, writes (2 October 2007):
Texmex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionExactly. It's ok though, my wife isnt a feminist pig and understands how truely wrong she has been. I feel bad for all these poor men that married the deceitful woman here who think its a ok to lie their way into a marriage...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Temex, you're asking the wrong place to get sympathy.
Women aren't genetically programmed to care about their mates' past partners to anywhere near the degree that men are. So that means that men's feelings aren't justified since women don't share them.
See, when you have a feeling because you're male, that means it's immature and not valid or acceptable. It must be the result of your out-of-control ego.
You're surely not angry because you've been lied to for 13 years, by the person you trusted most in your life, on the specific subject that twisted the knife in your back the worst of all.
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reader, Texmex +, writes (2 October 2007):
Texmex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell well well. Another feminist has spoken. I gave her plenty of opportunities to tell me in a non-confrontational way and if she hadnt been a bald face liar we wouldnt be in this position in the 1st place would we? She has a one night stand with a high school friend, keeps the lie even after we have to be around the guy, through an engagement, a wedding and even having children and that Im ticked makes me narcisistic??? LOLOLOL. Ladies most wives dont have their guy strapped to a tree in their back yard like you do. this is the real world we're if you had sex with someone you both know well a couple of days before you "fell in love" the other person has EVERY right to know. But yea perhaps counceling would help with her pathological and irresponsible lying, the likes of which have killed many a relationship. She knew where I stood on the issue and chose to a be a liar anyway. And Im to assume ths is the only such lie that is out there?? With some of these responces I can see why the experts say that to get the accurate # of womans sex partners you take what they say and then double it. good luck with that strategy "anonymous"....you pathetic coward.
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reader, Texmex +, writes (30 September 2007):
Texmex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is how it came out. I always suspected it (remember seeing her the next day) and had asked many times through the years. A few months ago we saw some High School friends and I asked her again about it. She denied it once more. I acted as if someone told me what happened and then she said "I coulnt remember"(blackout) and then "I suspected it" and then "Im fairly certain it happened" and then " I know it happned". I think it took a while for her to retrieve the information. She said she remembered almost nothing because she was so drunk(Ive seen her in this state so I believe her, they were playing a drinking game). OK ladies hate me if you like but I told this woman I loved her a few weeks after this. Makes me feel pretty cheap. If it didnt happen within our social circle I could understand but I knew the guy very well and have seen him several times since not knowing what happned(this makes me angry). She was 18 years old and made the decision to lie back then(i dont think she told ANYBODY). I think she just wanted it to go away and I can understand that. Anyway I appreciate the help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Think of it this way: if she hadn't lied, you'd have missed out on all those wonderful years. She did you a favor.
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reader, Texmex +, writes (30 September 2007):
Texmex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIncredible answers. Thanks. I got bused asking the same questions!! (LOL) Me and my wife were best friends when we were 17 yeras old. I adore her more that I thought I was capable of. I was there for these things and was part of her life and knew ths guy we're talking about very well. People are wired differently and from reading this site I know woman who feel the exact same way I do. IMy wife was ashmed and wanted it to go away. She knows me and Im sure lied because she knew it would kill me. I think it will fade with time but I now question many other things too. I appreciate everybodysthoughtful replies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): You're acting a bit insane in my opinion. You keep asking this question, but before as "houston" now it's tex-mex..so what I think you need to do is go seek counseling. DearCupid obviously hasn't helped you the 1st 3 times you asked this. Are you sure you love your wife & aren't using this as an excuse to leave or cheat on her? Go to marriage counseling if you want to get over this please.
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female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (30 September 2007):
 Dear Texmex, I'm sorry that you are holding this grudge against your wife for the mistake she had done 13 years ago. Lets be totally frank no-one in this entire universe is perfect, we do all stupid things and make mistakes that we regret later (Its called being a human being). So please go easy on the poor woman, and concentrate on the present and the future you have with your wife. You must have sown a few wild oats before you were matromonially connected surely,and if you say you did'nt I would find it very difficult to believe. Put the boot on the other foot, say if you confessed to a drunken one night stand that you had years ago to your wife. Do you honestly think she would be as bothered as you? I think you may have to answer that question yourself my dear. So please swallow your pride and find it in your heart to move on, I don't understand these silly petty male bruised egos. If my partner held it against me about my past liasons, I can guarantee we would never made the aisle, as I would be always wondering that if we ever did have a row, whether he would throw it back into my face. So stop being such caveman about this situation and grow up for god sake, otherwise you stand to lose this lovely lady. Dusky x
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reader, jodain  +, writes (30 September 2007):
I know this has upset you. Its understandable that it would. Don't listen to these other answers putting you no a guilt trip and saying she has done no wrong. Yes she did the wrong thing. When you think about it it was considerate not to tell you all these years and shows she didn't want to lose you. You will get over it and forgive her (soon I would recommend). This is tiny in the scheme of things
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): TexMex, if the trust is gone, than she's better off without you. This conversation should never have taken place and it served no purpose, did it? And what's with all this 'territorial' crap, anyways? Where on earth in your life did you learn to treat females like objects for your own convenience and desires. You don't own her-she's not a prized possession and she's most certainly not tainted goods, dear...so quit treating her like that. Your wife took a chance and told you something she didn't need to tell you. The sad thing is she needed a man who loved and has accepted her for the woman she is today. We have all made mistakes, we have all forgotten those mistakes and moved on into the future with people we find and build a live with. The most important words from you that your wife should've heard when she has shared something, from her past that she was not proud of, was, "I love you, irregardless of your past. It's over and it has nothing to do with 'our' present or 'our' future."
The reason I asked how this conversation got started was I didn't want to hear that you brought it up. Because if you had initiated it, it was horribly unfair and unjust of you to make it seem safe for her to share her past with you, and then now, become pissed off and reject her for being honest. What kind of man does that? Look inwards and you might find the answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): I guess I don't understand why she has confessed at all. I mean why now? She must be going through something very emotional or something very important to make her feel like she needs to bring this up 13 years later. That concerns me more than anything.
Well obviously she didn't tell you then because she didn't want to lose you. But I understand your grief. That would totally piss me off too. And it would definitely make me question everything I ever thought about the other person. This is why I don't understand why she brought this up.
I guess once you get over the initial anger you have to think about your marriage and how it has been for the last 13 years. Has she been everything you ever wanted?? Loving, caring?? Dependable, always by your side?? Can you imagine your life without her?? You may eventually realise that you love her way too much to let something she did when you guys weren't even yet a couple, destroy this wonderful marriage.
But for right now I understand that your grief is way too much to jump ahead and think about that right now. So just take time to yourself and let yourself heal. I see nothing wrong with that. Hopefully she will give you the space you need. But please don't go out and get revenge. Just be mature and think about this all very rationally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): You say she "admitted" to this? How did this subject happen to come up between you both, by the way? What were the circumstances leading up to this conversation and her admission?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): who gives a rats butt...if you love her and are in love with her and are with her now who cares. i wouldn't it;s no big deal.
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reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (30 September 2007):
You are making a big thing out of nothing. It was a long time ago and if you have a happy marriage let this be. If you pursue this you will loose her for sure.
It is easy to see why she kept it from you - just read your question and the answer should be obvious to you like it is to everybody else.
If you are interested in saving your marriage then LET IT DROP - FORGET ABOUT IT.
It was a long time ago and it is NOT important.
What is important is the future. Your are holding so much crap from the past in your arms you are unable to open them and embrace the future because to do this you will have to drop all of that rubbish.
Have you thought about that?
If you cannot let go of something this insignificant then maybe this marriage is not right for you.
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reader, rcn +, writes (30 September 2007):
 Let me ask this. From the time of saying "I DO" how has 13 years been with your wife? If you would have found out about the drunk night, would you have gotten to this point with her, or would those first few weeks been all the history you would have had with her?
I understand it was not a good choice on her part to keep this from you. But knowing "abundantly clear" could she have been afraid at the time to tell you.
Before you said I Do, you were in one chapter of your life together, after you did, you start a new chapter. Has she been faithful in your marriage? Have you loved the experiences you shared together? Looking back, could you see yourself spending the time you've had without her?
If I was in that situation, I'd talk to her without getting upset. It may help to see why she didn't mention it, and look at it from her view, not your own. Have her do the same with why you feel betrayed. Sometimes we don't understand because we only see it from out views and not from the views of the other person.
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reader, rcn +, writes (30 September 2007):
Let me ask this. From the time of saying "I DO" how has 13 years been with your wife? If you would have found out about the drunk night, would you have gotten to this point with her, or would those first few weeks been all the history you would have had with her?
I understand it was not a good choice on her part to keep this from you. But knowing "abundantly clear" could she have been afraid at the time to tell you.
Before you said I Do, you were in one chapter of your life together, after you did, you start a new chapter. Has she been faithful in your marriage? Have you loved the experiences you shared together? Looking back, could you see yourself spending the time you've had without her?
If I was in that situation, I'd talk to her without getting upset. It may help to see why she didn't mention it, and look at it from her view, not your own. Have her do the same with why you feel betrayed. Sometimes we don't understand because we only see it from out views and not from the views of the other person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): You wouldn't happen to be "Houston" in disguise, would you? Same EXACT questions.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-trust-my-wife-after-she-kept.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/was-my-wife-the-victim-of-sexual-assualt.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/was-my-wife-overly-promiscuous-or-fairly-normal.html
You're spinning out, man. Get over it. If you can't forgive her, you deserve to lose her. Get a counselor, either for yourself or for both of you, before her question to DearCupid.org is
"My obsesesive husband kept badgering me for a 20-year-old mistake; should I leave him?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): She's NOT a car you bought. She's a woman, with feelings and needs. She is not required to disclose every accident she has before you buy her. This happened before you had any commitment, and she didn't owe you anything, not even an explanation. Her past is her own, and if you can't get over it, you have no future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): yes she lied but get over it-to let something like this have a bad impact on your marriage is silly. she obviously loved you and still does. this is certainly not the same as an affair had recently. it will take time to get over but the trust will return
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Have you never told a lie to your wife, especially when you two were just dating? Have you ever lied by ommission, leaving out some details that you knew would upset her? Think long and hard about that one....I bet you can't honestly say that this isn't somewhat true about yourself as well.
A drunken one night stand can happen for all kinds of reasons for a woman, she may have felt rejected or hurt or angry at someone else and did it for revenge, even if it was in her own mind, or she may have been wanting to cut loose after feeling repressed for a long time, or she was just drunk and uninhibited and it happened without her better judgement being in place....She obviously learned something about herself from the experience, chalked it up to being single and dumb, and did not internalize it as part of her makeup, she knew this was woefully out of character for her, would be my guess, or she wouldn't have married a guy "who cared about her sexual past".
Please don't use being male as an excuse to justify your anger at her over something that happened before the two of you got serious and got married....men have a mind set about their women that women don't even understand, and sometimes feel it is better to say nothing than to hurt you for no good reason.....now if she was carrying on with someone else steadily and two-timing you without telling you about it, that would be something to really get steamed about, but this one little indiscretion is just that, water under the bridge.....if you want to go on a right fight then you lose.....why don't you just decide to be happy and love your wife for who she is, warts and all, I am sure she has a lot that she forgives you for every day as the last perfect person they made was called Jesus, and I don't mean HayZues, the Hispanic fellow you work with (sorry, I used to live in Dallas)....
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reader, Texmex +, writes (29 September 2007):
Texmex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionInteresting answers. My attitude is definately part of the problem but come on. She lied to my face again and again. Yea i'm territorial for sure...I'm a male!!! Any thoughts from the guys?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): I personally think you need to take a chill pill....this is your problem really, not hers....if an admission like this is all it takes to destroy 13 years of trust, then you have a problem with respect for her as a human being and my guess is it is tied up in your male ego, and your territorial feelings about your wife.
I personally don't know why she waited this long to tell you, but not telling you when it happened was her choice. I am sure that you were not a virgin when you met her, and like you, your wife has a sexual past....at the time she had her one nighter, maybe there was something else going on in her life. Maybe she wasn't sure about you or your feelings for her....maybe your questions about her sexual past bugged the shit out of her and she thought you were being judgemental and possessive not to mention controlling.
I can see if she made a habit of this kind of behavior, sleeping around and being promiscuous and did not tell you, but she may have decided that her basic values are in line with yours, and that she screwed up and made a mistake once, she has forgiven herself, why can't you?
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reader, flower girl +, writes (29 September 2007):
 I can understand why she did not tell you, 13 years later and you are livid about it, she probably thought if she had told you at the time she would lose you for good.
Have you never been drunk and done something you regret that you do not want anyone to know about?
Do you really want this admission to ruin the 13 years you have had together already?
If she has not done anything while you have been together to make you think she has been or would be unfaithful to you, you are really going to have to try and forget about this or it will destroy your marriage.
It really should not be a huge big deal.
Take care.xx.
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