A
female
age
41-50,
*otperfectjustforgiven
writes:I am a 28 year old woman with an extremely promiscuous past. I slept with 70 guys. I had committed relationships too. I came clean with my boyfriend and told him the extent of what I had done. He continues to ask me for every detail and I respond. He says he can never commit to me because of my past sexual promiscuity. That is not who I am anymore. Every day I live with the hurt, pain, shame and regret of what I have done. My life seems hopeless. I don't know how he can ever forgive me. he was with only 20 women and calls me a whore, used tire, dirty slut, and more. He said he tried to get over it but he can't. How do I convince him that I have changed? We have been together seven months and I have never flirted cheated on him or flirted with other guys. I am what you would call a reformed whore. I know my past is disgusting and despicable. I don't think any man will ever accept me as wife-material because of what I have done. I think I should just give up hope on ever having a husband or a family. Do you agree?
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male
reader, kpak +, writes (6 June 2015):
The responses in this thread is off the wall insane. I swear, i only saw one reasonable answer. The men on here that are saying dont worry about it wants another thoroughbred for the slut stables. Either that or they aren't real men. At least the type you dont want to have a serious relationship with. They are most likely a manwhore themselves. They are trying to make themselves more appealing to women like you because they are probably some major beta chumps.The number of partners in your past does matter. Men who are serious will care about your past because its the best indicator of the future. A slut before can easily turn slut again. Your bf (im assuming ex by now seeing as this is 5 years old) has a right to feel the way he does. Men are wary of sluts and rightfully so. Being with a slut increases the likely hood you will raise someone elses kid. Men avoid sluts when looking for serious relationship. This stupid "sexual revolution " you women fell for was only a manual of how to live a miserable life. Girls like you are just starting to realize this.There are ways you can still attract a decent man but it wont be comfortable for you. You'll have to unlearn a lot of nonsense that was drilled into you while you went to school. But never hide your past with someone you want to be serious with. It leads to more harm in the long run.
A
male
reader, Kosmos  +, writes (30 November 2012):
Obviously there is never a perfect answer. If the answer was "zero men" in the past then your boyfriend might start being worried that now that you have enjoyed making love with him that you might start getting curious about other men.
If it is 3 then he would be even MORE jealous of those three men than if there were 6.
The more men in the past there were, the less meaningful any of them were to her. This can all be built on as it only matters what you did SINCE you met your new man. Your lifestyle in the past was a lifestyle you led BEFORE you had met this new man who has changed your life and you love him so.
I think its clear that your boyfriend in this story doesn't love you. Because I know love now and I would have forgiven her of everything of her past as it was a past where I did not exist, as we grow and learn and find we change. We change as people every second. What hurt me too much and made me realise that I had to lose her NOW and not in the future when I had wasted more time was that she cheated on me, how many times I don't know. Funny question I see everywhere is "My girfriend/boyfriend cheated on me , should I break up with them" - My first thought is always, "Your partner cheated on you once that you KNOW of. How many times is ONCE enough?" kkkkkk
Its a difficult probability for two people to be in love at the same time with each other. I think most relationships are unbalanced in this - one is the loving one and the other is the taking the love one.
It hurts yeh. I think it hurts more than there is joy. But I noticed when I had the joy in my arms, for substantial period of 4 weeks at one time without feeling threatened of losing her, well my whole body and skin and mind and everything became so clear and stronger. And without her my body starts to suicide itself, to age, to be tired of that longing.
Yeh. Thats that.
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A
male
reader, Equality  +, writes (23 December 2010):
Sod him. Im a man who is married to a woman who also had a seriously fun past. This guy a prick. He using wat he deems right as amo against u. Nothing to forgive babe. Dont even believe him he says it ok now. It will come ur time and time again from his shuttered brain. Dump him and get a secure man.
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A
female
reader, womensmag +, writes (21 October 2010):
Hello! I work for a major American women's magazine and we are looking to speak with a woman JUST like you. We'd like to speak with you (anonymously) as part of a story about the number of sexual partners women have, and their positive and negative feelings about their number, to get a conversation going about this taboo subject. It would be completely anonymous. Please email me at [email address blocked] if you are interested. Thank you so much! --Jen
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A
female
reader, LaPointe  +, writes (6 January 2010):
I agree you need to leave him. You do not deserve to be abused by anybody. Don't beg him to forgive you, there's nothing you need to be forgiven for. He's the one who is being a bad person, for more than one reason. He's abusing you, and he's telling all his friends about something you told him in private. Dump his ass now.
Imagine if your best girlfriend were in a relationship where her boyfriend was calling her such awful names, and spreading her business among all his guy buddies. Would you tell her she needs to beg for forgiveness? Or would you tell her, this guy is being a total ass and you need to get out of there and find somebody who'll treat you right?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Thankyou for all of your responses.
There are a couple of things I should elaborate on.
First, I slept with a married man (one time) 5 years ago. He knows this.
I also slept with a younger guy (a teenager) when I was 26 one time.
I had friends with benefits.
I met guys online.
The guys I was with in the past, some of them were what he calls "low quality" or "desperate."
He says that he is hurt by what I did in the past. I can't change that. I tell him this all the time, and ask him to forgive and forget and see me as the person I am today. Little things seem to trigger him and he starts to be verbally abusive, calling me a slut/cunt/whore/used rag. He tells me I enjoyed sucking all those cocks, thats who I am and all I'll ever be. After these episodes he says hes sorry and he loves me but then the cycle just repeats itself. I don't know how to heal this relationship or if it can even be healed. He says all his guy friends agree that I'm used and he can do better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): I wouldn't forgive her because i'm conservative, but i would give her sound advice, so listen up.
1. He's right to feel this way and most men will. Being a promiscuous woman is like being a poor, homeless man: you can be hot as hell but nobody wants you. However, you shouldn't let him call you names. Don't stick around hoping for forgiveness. If a guy can't accept your past from the beginning, he never will.
2. I'm not going to lie here. It will be VERY HARD for you to get married to a non-promiscuous guy. Women nag all the time about the notorious double standard: how men get to sleep around and they don't. As you're about to find out, only a small percentage of men actually adheres to this stereotype. And those that do not (the vast majority) will probably never settle for a woman who has slept with 70 guys.
3. You have limited choices here.
The first one is to outright lie and say you've slept with 5-6 guys. This is very risky and it will most likely lead to a broken home if your past is revealed. If you follow this road, your past will be hanging over your head like the sword of Damocles. I don't know if you could live like that.
The second one is to be honest from the start and hope for the best. However i can tell you right now that you're in for many very painful rejections if you go down that path. Then again, you may get lucky.
The third one is to refuse to discuss your past altogether. Just tell them that you were promiscuous or that it's your own business, but don't give numbers. While this option seems relatively safe (as some guys refuse to talk about the past), it has the disadvantage that you, too, are no longer entitled to ask the guy to reveal his own past. And he can have some pretty big skeletons in his closet. It's pretty much like playing the roulette.
There is no easy choice here. I'm sorry that it took you so long to see that real life is not like "Sex and the City". Whatever you do, take care of yourself because sometimes marriage can be worse than being single.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): You don't need to be forgiven for sleeping with 70 guys. But if you had been lying to him about it before you came clean, then it's up to him to decide whether or not he wants to forgive you for that breach of trust. Regardless of what you think of your past, good or bad, this is his life too. Nobody, including him, gets to decide whether or not this is a serious problem for him. It's just an incompatibility between you and what he wants in a woman that he either accepts (unconditionally) or he doesnt. Truthfully I don't think this is going to work between you and him. Because retroactive jealousy just doesn't ever go away for most people who have it bad. There are questions on this website all the time from people still trying to deal with ancient stuff from 10 or 20 years ago. A lot of guys get into big emotional problems because they tell themselves "I'll get over it with time" and they just don't ever stop feeling bad about it. There are plenty of guys happily married to women with long partner lists. A few guys even like it. The best advice I could give you is don't lie about it with future BFs. Either tell the person that you dont want to reveal your past or tell them the truth, but don't mislead or lie about it. The trust issue with this is HUGE for most guys.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 January 2010):
I'm a guy, and I can tell you there's nothing he needs to forgive. You weren't with him when you slept with those guys. And let's face it, to then go on and call you a whore and a slut when he's slept with 20 women his pretty hypocritical. And do you really want to be with a guy who thinks of you like that? Not really. You can do better. All right, so you slept with 70 guys. Now you're grown up and you're ready to commit. So find yourself a decent guy instead of a hypocrite. You didn't do anything wrong at all. Find a nice guy instead.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 January 2010):
 If he says he can't get over that, don't push it, because he won't. Listen to him. I'm sorry, but you need someone with a more open mind. This man you can forget about.
By the way, he slept with many people, too. Not as many, but he's not a virgin either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): How do you KNOW how many he has slept with-he could say two how do you know. Its none of his business what you did before you met him and in future keep your trap shut!!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, LaPointe +, writes (4 January 2010):
I have a boyfriend about 4 years younger than you who has slept with 30 women (and if I hadn't come along, I'm sure could've slept with 70 by the time he got to 28.) I know it's true that sociologically, men and women who haven't slept with anyone else or not many other people before their long-term relationship (in this study, marriage) seem to last longer and have happier relationships. But I don't think that means that people who have done a little sleeping around are bad people who can't be good partners and love their specific partner. Obviously, you want to have a serious relationship and when you are monogamous, you are monogamous. Your past is not disgusting or dispicable, it just is what it is.
So, I am going to say you are probably a fabulous woman who deserves to have somebody who will accept you, past and all, and nobody - nobody ever - deserves to be with someone who is calling them a slut, whore, or anything else. This is abusive behaviour and you should get out and find somebody who will treat you right.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (4 January 2010):
 Two things:
1. NEVER tell a man how many people you have slept with. Your past is YOUR past and none of his business; you have a right to decline to divulge this information when asked. Understand that this is a question where there is no answer that will make a man happy. If you say 3, you're a liar, if you say 6, you're a slut. You can't win, so keep this information to yourself.
2. Why do you need to be forgiven? You didn't kill anyone, you just screwed a lot of men. You should not feel guilty or shameful, nor should you tolerate being called names by this man. He is being abusive and he is not someone you need to spend your life with unless you enjoy being mistreated.
Please do not give up on finding a husband and having a family. You are not "damaged goods", and there is a man out there who will love you without conditions. Since this man can't fully commit to you, end things so you can find someone who will.
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A
female
reader, Miss Karma Louise +, writes (4 January 2010):
you say that thats not the person you are today right?
so whats the point in telling people about the old you..if shes left in the past? forget her.
you are who you are today and dont forget this saying
"everybody has a past".
wheather its drugs,booze or being a bit of a slut.
its all gone.
if you got our leg in yesterday and your leg in tommorrow your shitting all over today...
the next man that comes into your life,make it a habit of not telling tjem about the old you,show them who you are TODAY.
you cant turn back time.
just look onto the future!
good luck,karma x
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