A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl exclusively since the end of October 2009, she's 25, and was previously married to her first ever boyfriend, whom she has a daughter with. They divorced nearly a year ago, and I am her second relationship since. When we started dating she told me that she never knew she could get those feelings again after her divorce, and about a month in she told me she loved me. Now, she says that she still has all of those feelings, including love, but she doesn't know what she wants out of us and doesn't want to be fully commited. She wants to date me, and remain physically exclusive with me as far as flirting, sex, even just holding hands, but she wants to be able to date other people if the situation arose. By "date" she means just hang out, no physical contact whatsoever, that would still be considered cheating. If she found someone else she did want to hook up with, we would probably break up because this would tell her how she really feels about us. She wants to make sure the next fully exclusive relationship she is in lasts so that she isn't in her 30s and still looking to get married. She sees potential with us, but she is "not sure to what extent" and "if we're supposed to be together we will end up together exclusively after this." Her sister apparently did this to her husband before they got married. Any suggestions/input?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 What was the lies you told her and she told to you?
Lies in a relationship are a deal breaker, this thing dosen't look like it's going anywhere.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 January 2010):
She's keeping you very nicely on a string isn't she. Fact - if she loves you enough, she'd be with you. You're just being kept like a comfort blanket. Get rid of her. Never allow yourself to be treated this way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I messed up and lied to her, it was a fairly decent lie that i continued for a few days. When she finally called me out on it i fessed up. She then said "well we'll call it a wash since i lied to you and i'll forget about it." then she said "if you were to ask today, if today i had to give an answer as to whether we'd get back together or not, i'd PROBABLY say no more than yes." but she still will not end things with me. she wants me to be around and to date me, but she still wants to date others. What does this mean? i've been on a few dates, unfortunately not with girls that i see anything with after the dates, but i am close to just ending it with the original girl. i cannot tell if she is stringing me along or really just wants me to step up to the plate and show her why she told me she loved me. she has another guy she is dating some right now, so i am not sure if it is her keeping me just for the sake of having someone. any suggestions?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 January 2010):
And it's only been 3 months, much too soon for anyone to committ to anything. It's still so early in your relationship, see how things go, and if you can't wait, or can't stand it, then maybe she's not the right girl for you. I think you should wait, and see how things develop. But right now, your not dating her, your thinking of not sleeping with her, your just two friends, and she can form a stronger relationship with a guy who offers her more.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 January 2010):
From where I'm looking, she's doing what she said she will do. She's dating, and she's meeting new guys, but none of them match up to you. She's starting to realise that your the right guy. Give her some time, and I have a feeling that she'll stop with this "freedom" nonsense and throw all her eggs in a basket with you. The no sex rule is a good idea, and no, dating dosen't mean that she'll be having sex with everyone she meets. Only thing is, if you pull away too far, if you cut intimate contact, she may think that your bored of her and have given up, and just might choose to be with someone else because she feels lonely and rejected.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 January 2010):
Buddy, I just think you're wasting your time. I know that's not what you want to hear from me, but don't be second best. You're either and item, or you're just not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe first week has been rough. I haven't really talked to her unless she's made some sort of contact first, and the only time's we've hung out is when she asked to. She has been on a date which she said she had a "pretty good time" but in a less than convinced voice, and said they "probably will" have a second date, again in a less than convinced voice. His friends did kind of throw him under the bus when talking to her, but she's not sure how to react with this. Today, I told her we could hang out as friends, but we needed to extend the "no physical" rule to us as well and that I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as her at all until we figure this out. Am I doing the right thing?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Either you're seeing each other exclusively or you are not. Don't let this end up in any kind of middle ground where you are waiting and she is shopping around. And be aware that sooner or later (probably sooner) she's gonna be dropping her drawers with one of these other guys, so don't hold back saving yourself for her if you two end up calling it an open relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 January 2010):
Do you really want to wait all that time, knowing she is seeing other men, just to see if she might want to be with you in six of seven years time? She's in a dream world where she's waiting for someone better to come along. and you don't know that she won't cheat if she's seeing other men. How long until she can't quiet help herself? I just wouldn't waste time over someone who can't commit. If she has commitment issues, she needs to sort them out by herself. And if she loved you, she' be with you so don't fall for that either. I'd move on.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 January 2010):
Yep!!! Heard this before, and I know it hurts, but is her way of making sure she dosen't make the same mistake again.
Look at it from her position.. She met a guy, fell in love, got married and it didn't work. Now she meets you, your the first guy, she hasn't had time to shop arround, maybe she's on the rebound, maybe she's with you for the wrong reasons, maybe it'll be the same again, another mistake.
But if she shops arround, if she sees what's out there, if she gets more experience, then she can be sure that what she feels for you is love and your the soulmate she's been looking for.
Many people who have come out of a relationship feel like this. I would agree to her request, but I would add some pressure, so she knows that she can loose something and it's not all her way. Tell her to date with no sex, but tell her you'll be doing exactly the same. I bet she won't look for long, and experience with other guys will seem borring and won't be pleasant, because she'll spend all her time worrying about loosing you, and wondering if you like the women your dating while you wait for her to make up her mind.. lol... :) Good luck, she's just nervous, and trying to be practical and scared to be hurt again. Play her at her own game, be faithfull, date women, be honest about the fact your in love with someone, and have fun.
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