A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in a place where I am afraid to take what is likely the next step. Not sure what to do. Have been married for 10 years, no children (we can't have children and Husband is against adoption). My husband was raised in a verbally abusive household. His Father is quite disrespectful and verbally abusive to his Mother - to the point that they no longer have friends and much of the family just does not come around any more. My showed some signs of this early on, but never like it is now. No, I do not consider myself abused, but it is certainly heading that way. He has stated that he is not attracted to me as I have put on a few pounds in the past 10 years (10 pounds to be exact), so we have not had sex in an embarrassing amount of time. If I try to initiate, he is always "not feeling well" or "hasn't showered". We have very different sleep schedules, I go to bed around 10:00 and he comes to bed around 1:00, I have tried to stay up longer, but he is not willing to meet in the middle and come to bed any earlier as he says he will not be able to sleep, so he sits in the garage drinking beer until he feels tiredenough to come to bed (yes, I realize that is a problem as well). The verbal abuse? He is not always horribly abusive, if one can put it on levels. Mostly nit-picky, treating me like a child, "why are you doing that", "why would you do it that way" at the slightest thing. I suppose if he had anything nice to say to me to occassionally counter the constant badgering, it would balance, but when I ask about nice things, he says "I am not going to make things up just to make you feel better". He cannot think of anything nice to say, that is not an exaggeration, he has been asked to an all he can come up with is that I am a good person and take good care of him. In the past he said he is not comfortable seeing a counselor as he would feel judged, I assured him that is not what counselors do, they help people turn the corner when they aren't able to do it themselves. I asked him again tonight and his response was "I don't know" and now he is sleeping in the basement (I do not ever tell him to sleep elsewhere, he does that on his own). He has promised me more times than I can count to work on his issues, yet I am always the one doing the work, trying to be patient, trying to be accepting, trying not to be a doormat... He admits his issues, I believe that he knows he has problems, he just finds it easier to turn away than to work on anything. He says marriage should not be this hard, and I am starting to agree. I feel like at a minimum, a trial separation is in order, but would that just extend this toxic relationship? Do trial separations work or is it just a way of putting off the inevidable? If I don't do something, I see us heading in the same direction that his parents are, resentful. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (7 July 2012):
 The situation you described is toxic for you. Your husband has been mean and demeaning towards you. It's sort of a downward spiral at this point. As it continues, you will become less of a person who lacks self esteem and confidence and the courage you have (right now) to leave the situation later will be reduced in time.
To answer your question, can a trial separation help? Yes, for you. For you, you need this time to remove him to truly understand two things 1) how are things with him gone (I agree with the other auntie-it will be freeing) and 2) how to sort your life out and move forward.
For him, the trail separation will do nothing. Yes, he might change to "win" you over but the change will be temporary. The pattern he has learned in life is deep seated and will take both a professional and his desire to change him. Without either of these, look into the window of your in-laws home-that's your future.
The alcohol makes the situation less "changeable" because this is another issue he has to overcome. If you stay, it's also an issue YOU have to overcome with him.
I am not you but looking in from my perspective, I would choose to separate while I worked out the details of a divorce. The separation will buy you time and also give him time to let the inevitable sink in.
When he "changes to win you back" I want you to recall the below words from your own post.
*He is not attracted to me because I gained 10 lbs.
*We have not had sex in an embarrassing long time.
*He drinks alone in the garage rather than go to bed with me.
*He sleeps in the basement by his choice.
*He can't think of anything good to say about me except that I am good to him-(self centered much?. He says he won't make up things to say just to make me feel better.
*He says marriage shouldn't be this hard-(but it does require effort!)
*He has promised me more times than I can count that he would work on his issues.
*No, I don't consider myself abused but it is heading that way.
I wasn't in the same situation as you but after my divorce I felt free; no more walking on egg shells or feeling rejected. Being on my own is comforting. It's scary and lonely at first but as time goes on and I have gotten hobbies and friends, I have noticed there is a peace and calm in my life that I never had in my marriage.
Do the trial separation but in your heart and mind, use the time to move on from the relationship so when the time comes for divorce you are ready. To one of the other auntie/uncle's response, I truly believe HE has already moved on. He's just taking up space in the marital home.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 July 2012):
 I am sorry for what you are going through. I've been there and its not easy to stay, and its also not easy to go. My husband became an alcoholic during our marriage and that is what put the final "nail in the coffin" so to speak. He was never physically abusive, but was very much mentally abusive. As many of the aunts/uncles have stated, to make things work, your husband has to WANT to change. It doesn't matter that you want him to, or a counselor would want him to. It has to be of his own free will. Would he be willing to change? I begged my husband to get help for his alcohol problems and to go to counselling for our marriage..and his answer was "I don't have a problem with drinking, YOU have a problem with me drinking". That was it for me. 15 years of marriage and it was over. Do you want to try and see if he'll change or just separate and have some space and some time to think? Do you love him? You don't mention whether you do or not. Even the strongest love can die when a person is mistreated. Do what is right for YOU. Only you know what you really want. I personally would end the marriage. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you unhappy. I won't lie to you, its hard to get a divorce but for me, it was the smartest move I could have made, my husband made my life miserable the last 5 years we were married. I was better off alone than to live with a drunken nasty bitter man. Perhaps you'll feel the same. Please take care of yourself sweetheart and remember that you are strong and you can do this. Please let us know how you are doing ok?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Honestly, I would go straight for the divorce. Like pulling off a band aid so to speak. Get it over and done with.
I do think if you go for a trial separation it will only extend the inevitable. He has already separated from you, physically and emotionally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): OP trial separations work when there is an issue that two people need to go away and think about, it's mainly a means of each figuring things out away from the marriage to get rid of confusion.
This simply isn't the case with you, you know the problems and being separate for a while is not really going to solve them. Psychological personality traits like the ones your husband has are deeply ingrained to the point where it would take years of hard work to overcome them, a separation may just lead to a false sense of change brought on by him missing you and changing temporarily to win you back. But his pattern will remain OP and quite frankly as a woman who has stayed there for 10 years putting up with it you're not really going to be the one who can help him change this as you too will fall back into the same pattern.
Do the separation thing OP just so you can spend some time with your thoughts and gain a deeper understanding of the situation from outside of it.
I don't hold much hope that you have a future and be very careful about any sudden change or effort he puts in. It will be temporary and it may even seem like the guy you fell in love with in the first place, that's how most people get caught in the revolving door. That's the trap of the whole on/off thing, two people who can't work that keep going back to start of the relationship because the progression in the relationship is always bad.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 July 2012):
 I think you are headed for divorce and I think that a trial separation would just prolong the inevitable.
But what it may do is get him to see that he's at the bottom of the barrel and needs to fix things in order to have his life back.
The question to me is that you may find that being out from under what is still abuse, is very freeing... and YOU may not want to go back after that... and yet he will miss you and your care of him and he will try to get you back.
If you are wanting to shake him up and try to fix it then yeah a separation is in order.
IF you just want to get on with your life and get out of a bad pattern, then just leave... and do not entertain the thought of going back...do not give him hope...
Hard choices... rough situation....
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 I get the feeling from what you have said that there is hope on both sides. maybe you should say you want a trial seperation unless he agress to counselling. then if he won't do counselling go to trial seperation. if that doesn't bring him to mediation then you need to stay seperated. I think relationships can be worked out usually but not always.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 I agree with Bondgirl. I don't think you really have any choice other than separation at this point if you want to move things along.
It seems you are making the effort but for some reason he is being very resistant. When things become immoveable and stagnant only actions will make a different rather than words.
Separation will do one of two things, it will either shake him out of himself and force him to work on his issues, or it will continue along the path you are on now, which is to end the marriage.
I am really sorry you are going through this, it does not appear to be your fault and as upsetting as it is, a lot of marriages do end like this because things reach a stalemate and resentments get deeper and deeper because people are afraid to act.
Now days women can and do support themselves adequately alone, in fact a growing number are making extremely happy lives for themselves post divorce, so it does not have to be all doom and gloom.
I would save some money and make plans to move out or ask him if he would be good enough to leave so you can both have space and time to figure out what you both truly want.
Good luck and let us know how things go xxx
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (7 July 2012):
 If you are afraid to a get a divorce, I would advise you to go with the separation first. This will give you the time you need to prepare yourself for your new life, if that is what you choose to do. I do not think a separation needs to be done for him, I think it can also be done for you...to give you time and allow you the opportunity to think. You need to make sure this is the best option for you. It sounds like you have tried to work on your marriage and your husband isn't motivated to do it. So, I would encourage you to go ahead with the separation, take some time to think things over, and prepare what you need to prepare for a possible divorce. I am sorry you are in this situation and I will be thinking about you.
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