A
female
age
41-50,
*nowey55
writes:Dear all,I quite confused over my relationship I am currently having a LDR with a 28 year old man who I met online in December, He is currently in the military and hopes to stay in for possibly another 10 years,I am his longest girlfriend to date and I was in a 10 year relationship before I met him.We meet up every few weeks due to both our commitments and things have been great we meet up have fun and text daily when were apart.Recently I decided to bring up the subject of feelings and he went cold. This is where im confused!He wants us to stay together and take things slow and see where it goes as do I, but he also said its a casual relationship.Now to me casual and taking things slow are two different things casual is on the basics that he just meet up go out have sex and thats it whilst taking it slow implies to me that there is a chance we can develop this into something serious. So how can I bring it up again just to get it straight?I'm also upset as his work colleauge is actively pursuing him and when I have asked him about certain things I noticed he doesnt reply and change the subject!We have never had the exclusive talk I just took it for granted because he states Im his girlfriend.I know that I dont want to commit yet fully as I still dont know him well enought but I like him enought to consider building on what we have.So do I just ask him what pages his on and take the risk that he might be honest or just tell me what I want to hear or leave it and see if things progress naturally? If I chill out about it and do see how it goes will this give things a chance to breath and develop compared to discussing it again and bringing back up bd feelings? Things were so tense between us before and Im meeting up again with him soon after a month apart. Thank you very much in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): Obviously not ALL men are the same. Just the majority of army guys,that is what they are like. I am pretty sure some of your boyfriends army mates have had girlfriends who they have messed around behinde their backs. Why don't you sit and ask your army man he will tell you. You seem a bit neive sorry to say. But well done for going 6 years and still solid.I rate you sweetie.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): Some of the answers are so bad and judging all military men,no I don't agree with that. My boyfriend was in the army,he saw me all the time when he could and we are still together,made a lot of effort and told he's family about me straight away when we met and I met them very soon after a few dates. Still together after 6 years. I guess you really need to ask him things if he's actually serious.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): I've done enough online dating, to say, cut your losses. I'm not sure what site you met on, but the majority of people I've talked to on there are on there for a reason, and not a good reason. You said you were in a long-term relationship, so was I. This dating stuff after getting out of a long-term relationship is no fun. LDR rarely work out...been there done that. I know it tends to be an emotional rollercoaster as you don't really know what's on. My advice to you is to just go about your life/business, and at the right time, the right man will come along. A man who isn't afraid to talk about his feelings, and who is not afraid to commit. They are out there, but if you look too hard, you tend to attract the wrong ones. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): Big words of warning. I was seeing an army man for 5 years and i have a clear view of the in's and out's of army life both from a civiys view (mine) and a soldiers view. If your looking to get your heart broken then by all means carry on with what you are doing. I know many of the men that are even married and due to loniless and being away from home when they are posted abroad, they cheat.They lie. They intimidate. You might think that hes being faithful, but no hes not and he will find excellent ways to cover his tracks. People in the army live in a very different world from us, once you see that you will understand fully what im trying to explain to you. You say you only see eachother every couple of weeks, go out, have sex. Thats a military man in his glory.Guarded and secure and keeping you on the fence, so for you to even mention feelings? Really? im putting it blunt to you because some times thats what we need. You are one of many "hook ups" he has. What do you honestly think he's doing for the week he's not with you. Working?? Yes of course he will work but not every single hour of the day. TRUST ME I KNOW FOR A FACT. And he avoids the subject about this other girl because why would he tell you the truth and risk losing you as one of his hook ups? Sweetie you where in a very long relationship before hand, so im guessing youve had your fair share of heart break and know when not to drag something on that is clearly a dead end road.All the best x Bee Bee x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): OP you're ready for the talk and that's what you need to do. Sure you can sit there and hope but then you may end up waiting a long time just to see that it was never going to go anywhere anyway.
OP december is months ago, he'd know by now if he had feelings for you. The fact that he doesn't (he would have said he did if he had them) is a big red flag. He also told you that it's casual so you're not exclusive and you're not his girlfriend regardless of what label you put on it, girlfriend is never casual, girlfriend is a commitment to be in a relationship with real ass feelings. Casual is just a buddy you have sex with really.
"I know that I dont want to commit yet fully as I still dont know him well enought but I like him enought to consider building on what we have."
Then why are you calling yourself his girlfriend then OP? Girlfriend is the full commitment the only thing more committed is marriage.
Look you need to have the "where are we going with this talk" but first you need to figure out where you want this to go and OP if you have real feelings for him and he doesn't for you then you're in big trouble.
If you want him to be exclusive then you need to state that clearly and yes that is implied in the the term girlfriend but even you have warped that term to mean something else as you won't fully commit.
Look figure out what you want, what's possible and where you want to go with this. Then just ask him all those things and lay your heart on the line.
This relationship is not even a relationship if you can't talk to him about feelings and stuff. I mean come on you say you're his girlfriend yet you're scared to talk about your feelings with him? really? That's how boyfriend/girlfriend works where you're from? Because I can tell you, here in Ireland it goes like this. I have a girlfriend and as soon as we titled it that we were fully exclusive, fully committed to being a loving relationship with each other, we had very real feelings for each and where both willing to let it progress. There is nothing casual about being a boyfriend or girlfriend there is no possibility of pursuing others and above all, the biggest and most key thing to all this is that being my girlfriend means she can tell me every little thing without fear, all her feelings, thoughts, wants and needs because you know what? If I can't fulfil those or we're on a different page we need to be able to discuss those things or it will never work.
You have none of those things, you're not his girlfriend OP you're his fuck buddy, sure you may have nice talks and even have dates etc. but at the end of the day you don't meet any of the most basic requirements of a committed relationship. You're too scared to even tell your supposed boyfriend how you feel, you're too scared to even ask if you're exclusive. What kind of boyfriend is that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): I suspect he likes to have a girl friend but doesn't want any of the hassle of a full blown relationship. Being in the military etc gives him a good excuse not to want commitments, but he can't expect you just to be there for when he is around. So sort out your feelings, are you prepared to say goodbye if it looks as if you are basically a Friend with Benefits even though he calls you a girlfriend. The fact that he gets annoyed at the mention of 'feelings' is ominous. Maybe that's why you are his most long running girlfriend - others have got tired of hanging around for him.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 If you are ready to do it, I would tell him that you are interested in a long-term relationship. If he isn't interested in long-term, and he just wants you as a "friend", then I would break it off before you get more emotionally involved. It is hard enough having a long-term relationship, but if he doesn't have his feelings involved as much as you, it won't be worth it for you.
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