A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just feel in pieces.I am 23 years old. I did it again, after my last relationship,that went crap, and my ex turned out to be cheating on me, and at the end just dumped me .I walked away and met someone else.This time I thought it would be differentIn the course of 3 months, I became deeply attached to him.I told him, that I have been really hurt in my past relationship, but he said he knows how I have been hurt and he wont do the same to me.He said he love me and showed grand gestures, and pursued me actively. We saw each other all the time.It took alot for me to let my guard down and felt in he short space of time, that I could trust him. He told me he had a really rough childhood, and he was angry and bitter alot of the time. His parents were physically abusive to him, all throughout his childhood and because of that he had repressed anger. He was always angry , it was like he was a time bomb waiting to explode. Everything , every emotion it was always because of his horrible childhood.I tried to understand him and sympathize. sometimes he would snap at me, and everything is my fault. Anyway i thought my love could change him, but it didnt work. But He wasnt always angry he was kind to me, we had really good times. Yesterday , we had an argument, it was something silly, but he said he doesnt want to ever see me again. I was shocked.That he will never forgive me for what I did, I am not sure what I am supposed to have done. I said to him that I am sorry but he refused to listen. He started shouting and raising his voice at me, it took me aback. This was over the phone.He made me feel so worthless of myself, he even called me slag in not so many words, even though I didnt even sleep with him, which is beside the point.I cried myself to sleep, I trusted him and now I feel shattered. I thought I loved him. I dont know how to regain my esteem back and my confidence, His words made me so worthless ,and its wounded me.I feel so cheap. I know deep in my heart I am better than that. I feel hurting him the way he hurt me. I showed him my weakness , he even heard me cry when we broke up. I feel torn . I feel so much emotion angry, really angry, for letting him hurt me this way and disrepecy , I want to pick up the phone and curse him but it took all my strength to hold back. How do i get over the weight of his words, and move on from this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am writing to express my inmense gratitude to all of you.This break up for the last few days just affected me badly in all areas in my life and the only source of peace and suport I had were your toughtful and wise answers, which I re read over and over again to make myself strong.I have acknowledged each answer and thanks to your different opinions I feel relieved and stronger to move on and do my healing.He is actually a very cold man, and is a head_***ker and clearly has a mountain of issues… that thankfully are not mine to deal with through his games, lack of integrity, compassion, empathy .I will be honest – this has been soooooo HARD – so gruelling but also such an essential challenge in self love and respect which was way over due.I realised I need to BE STRONG – MOVE ON –and self-love is the key . I am young, I got the rest of my life ahead of me, I have decided to take this time out, and just concentrate on my career and become the independent career orientated woman I always wanted to be. I will definitely be wise , and take my time next time before I even think about entering any more relationships. I know I am worthy and to the op female person, your right my heart is precious so I need to be careful and need to take my time , I am worthy and I do deserve respect. :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): Hi sweetheart. I’m so sorry to hear you are hurting. This is not your fault. You are young and beautifully idealistic… you want to believe in love, but you didn’t see the warning signs. This man had a horrible childhood that left him with deep wounds and major anger issues. Of course you can try to understand and sympathize, but you cannot “fix” him or save him or change him. These are his issues, and he has to be the one to figure them out and heal them. What is so important to understand is that this is NOT about you. You said it yourself, he was a time bomb, and he exploded all over you. Of course you are hurt and angry. That’s natural. What you need to do now is give yourself what this man COULD NOT give you. He could not listen to you, but you can listen to you. You can be witness to all the feelings. Let yourself feel what you feel and just be with it. Don’t judge it. Don’t try to push it away. Just allow it and tell yourself it’s okay. Everything you feel is valid. Deep in your heart you know you deserve better. Be angry… but don’t lash out. That will just perpetuate the cycle. Use your anger to motivate you to take better care of yourself. To be more cautious before you let any old cute guy steal your heart. You need to move more slowly get to know a man and be sure he will protect you – even from himself. When you meet a man with a troubled childhood and anger issues, realize those are red flags that are telling you he doesn’t have to maturity to be a good partner to you. Anger is about not getting your needs met. And this man could not meet your needs – for love, for kindness, for listening and seeing another side – because he CAN’T. He simply doesn’t have the maturity or the emotional resources, because of the wounds from his own childhood. Understand that, be compassionate about it, but also protect yourself from it. You don’t have to be a victim of every guy’s unresolved issues. Love… real love… is about loving yourself enough to protect yourself from those kinds of relationships. Go slower in the beginning. Be less loving to them and more loving to you. Test them. Make them prove to you they are mature and emotionally healthy enough to be trusted, make them win your beautiful heart. Don’t just give it away. Because you are NOT worthless or cheap and your heart deserves to be treated with value and respect.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): "This time I thought it would be different""In the course of 3 months, I became deeply attached to him""he said he knows how I have been hurt and he wont do the same to me.""He said he love me and showed grand gestures, and pursued me actively""It took alot for me to let my guard down and felt in he short space of time, that I could trust him.""He was always angry , it was like he was a time bomb waiting to explode.""i thought my love could change him," I'm sorry things ended so badly, OP, but above excerpts could have been taken from almost any DC post about a controlling, verbally abusive boyfriend. You don't say a word about about any compatuble personality traits, shared interests or admirable qualities that attracted you to him, your account was all about what he did to make you feel good and the baggage he brought to the table.I suspect if you described how you fell into your previous crap relationship it would be very similar to how you fell into this crap relationship.Controlling, verbally abusive men use charm and flattery to lure their intended victims in and earn their trust in order to exert control and gain power over vulnerable, insecure women who lack self-esteem and crave any kind of affection and attention. "How do i get over the weight of his words, and move on from this."You need to understand that the hurtful wotds are a manifestion of HIS pathology, HIS way of expressing HIS anger and bitterness towards HIS parents; you were just his most recent convenient target. YOUR pathology is that you are very likely to allow HIS words to revert you back to your "poor pitful me" victim persona, and as a result in short time you are very likely to allow yet another charming manipulative sociopath to walk into your life and walk all over you, as you appear to lack the insight and perspective to learn anything at all from your previous disastrous relationships.I suspect you have your own long-term deep-seated issues that are influencing and behavior in ways which you cannot consciously comprehend. Please seek counselling in order to get the help, information, and support to understand why you keep falling into unhealthy dysfunctional relationships and avoid perpetuating the same pattern in the future.Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Well, it seems to me that you dodged a bullet. Don't pick up that phone to call him and if he calls you, don't answer the phone. The Gods it seems have given you a blessing!!!
This man was bound to hurt you. He has severe anger management problems. Had I been you and he went off on me on the phone, I would have been trying to figure out how to "dump" him without him retaliating.
How do you get over him? Realize it was his anger talking and that if you stay with him, that's about what the relationship would be. His anger had NOTHING to do with you. You did nothing wrong. DO NOT GO BACK WITH HIM!!! He will probably call and apologize and ask you to forgive him but it is a trap and this relationship has a pattern of escalation. IE: this is the tip of a very dangerous iceberg.
How do you move on? Quickly and without hesitation.
I am patting you on the back telling you how very lucky you are to have found this out so early in the relationship. So put that smile back on your face and thank the Gods who were looking out for you.
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