A
female
age
41-50,
*ngelpie
writes:I was wondering if i could get a second opinion on a situation that has just happened to me.I told my boyfriend i was upset that he was staring at a girl and asked him to stop. He got very angry at me saying that he had not. I remained calm and thought it best not to say anything else. But he remained angry with me and when we got home he started screaming at me saying that i think he is scum. i tried to speak but he screamed over me. He started screaming millimeteres from my face and waving his hands agressively in my face , his hands just stopping right in front of my face. I was sat down and he was leaning over me and being very scary . I got scared and slapped him. Now he is saying i am an abuser. I am so upset as i have just separated from a 10 year relationship where i was abused and i dont want to be labelled the same as him .Was i wrong ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Kama  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Nope, then in my book, you are not an abuser. The label doesn't work.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Oh one other thing.. this punishment.. no.. do not give up.. if your unhappy of course you must say something, just like you did here.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 June 2010):
And sorry, the laugh is for myself, for my own arrogance and my total misreading of your particular situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): Wow, you think you are completely recovered after only 2 years in a 10 year abusive relationship?
It doesn't matter the "reason" your ex abused you, the fact remains that you were traumatized and broken down over time....two years is nothing, and you are NOT recovered, you have another abusive man, accept it, see it for what it is and get out and get help.
You focused on the detractors here who came on here to give you advice, you chose to get defensive...and you "explained" your ex husband and accepted that your new boyfriend has anger issues, and all you get out of this is to redeem yourself ......You are so used to doing that aren't you, having to defend yourself?
Please get back into therapy and end this current toxic relationship, you aren't ready to be in a relationship and you don't want to waste 10 more years or even 10 more days in an unhealthy relationship....it really does have to do with YOU and your reasons and choices of men....you need to break that bad decision cycle and you can do it with some help.
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female
reader, angelpie +, writes (7 June 2010):
angelpie is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni also want to mention that i didnt mention my ex for sympathy , i was trying to point out that i know violence is wrong as ive been on the recieving end, and i labelled him and thought i was better than him and to all ends i wanted to know if i am the same as him or if what i did was forgivable.
i hadnt made my mind up that what i did was right before i asked my question. i think it was wrong , i just wanted to know if i am bad in the eyes of society and if i need help.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 June 2010):
lol.. so I was totally wrong.. understood and accepted... so what happens now..
slapping is abusive, just like screaming is.. you didn't actually say you smacked his hands, you said that you had slapped him.
More questions than anything else, questions you have answered...
"i am calm and i dont provoke my boyfriend.
once i woke up to him shoving me in the head because i fell asleep on the sofa and not came to bed , how could i of provoked that ?"
Is this what your boyfriend does to you...
Then yes, the other aunts were totally right.. and I apologise, I saw things that wasn't there, based on my own "faulty assumptions" of human behaviour.
I stand corrected and apologise again.
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female
reader, angelpie +, writes (7 June 2010):
angelpie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow! erm well im a little taken aback by the assumptions made. and even more so at the depth of fire made at me based on those assumptions.
where to start , ok well first i dont constantly acuse him of looking at other girls. i get upset if i think i see him doing it sure, but i rarely say so, twice now max, and im most unlikly to ever again after today which i feel i have been conditioned not to by being punnished now.
erm, the way ive told it is pretty much how it happened, im not sure why anyone is assuming i got angry or called names. i simply moved to his side and whispered to him please stop its hurting and embaressing me. that instant he shouted at me and i backed off...i walked home in silence and went for a lay down, he came in angry and asked me what the problem was, i tried to explain why it hurt me but i had not managed 2 words (in a calm voice as i dont have energy for anything like screaming and i dont think it gets you anywhere and more to the point why would i scream at the man i love and also i am ill at the moment) before he started screaming at me .
he was saying i think he is scum because HE thinks that looking at other people is bad and says i should not. he hates men looking at me. the word scum came from his own standards on the matter.
to clarify , when i said i have just ended a 10 year abusive relationship i meant just as in 2 years ago , and the divorce has just came though. i am completely recovered. he didnt abuse me for acusing him of anything. he abused me because he had mental health problems and a drug addiction. he would abuse me for trying to hug him, and by abuse i mean he tried to violently kill me 3 times and he sexually abused me and let his friends sexually abuse me. the man was having sex with other women so i had little cause to acuse him of something like looking at other women.
im not sure why it is presumed that i have a temper and a bad nature and that he must of been reacting to that.
i am calm and i dont provoke my boyfriend.
once i woke up to him shoving me in the head because i fell asleep on the sofa and not came to bed , how could i of provoked that ?
all i wanted to know was if i can now be labelled an abuser after reacting to him screaming in my face and smacking his hands down in my face and bearing down over me. my boyfriend is a big man and he didnt just back off when i slapped him he shouted even harder into my face and shoved me on my chest.
i dont understand about the comment saying i shouldnt come on here and ask for advice , i thought that is what this site is for.
i have spoke to my boyfriend and he now says he has temper issues. im just glad to see there are people out there who understand my reaction and im happy that i dont need m y head seeing to
thankyou to those who gave advice without assuming things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): Right on last ANON poster, I agree whole heartedly with everything stated here....certain aunts in pissing contests instead of putting their own "issues" aside, like wanting to be right instead of actually listening to he poster makes me want to scream as well. There are many advice givers on this site who are mentally off and should just shut the f up and go home....Pay attention to the rational ones here who are the kind of people who never think that behaving irrationally to a person no matter what the situation is the way to go.
Perhaps your slapping was not called for, but my gut tells me you were intimidated and frightened, and damn sick of it....
This is not going to be a healthy relationship for you, it is clear.
The only person you can change is you. Ditch this guy, he is toxic for you, and then work on YOU.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 June 2010):
To the aunts that blame the poster, shame on you (I've read your views in other posts and it makes me want to scream, you are so far off the mark, but you continue to dish out your diatribe in a nasty and vindictive way).
Anon... I'm not here to please you or make you pleased and happy... I'm not here to become miss popular and get awards for the best sympathetic non-advice on the board....I'm here to solve problems, on what is supposed to be an advice line.... if my advice in anyway helps the original poster or makes people look and change their behaviour, then my time is not wasted and I am well pleased...
If I'm wrong about what I say, then please dear caller, come back and tell me so... since anon and the other aunts are not in your situation, their opinion of what is going on means little to me....
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 June 2010):
Manipulative... yep, that needs more explaination for why I said that....
First, I am very aware of what happens when women get abused, and how they act and react...
You lived with an abuser, and this guy is (supposedly) abusing you by screaming and shouting....
Funny.. most abused people I know, when they are scared as you said you was, do not do anything to provoke the abusers temper.... you were scared because he was in your face and shouting, that's what you said.... well where did you get the courage from to slap him, wasn't you afraid that he would beat you badly for attacking him....
Your scared, but you show a hell of a lot of bravery with this man...
"99% of women who are in abusive relationships stay in those type of relationships and pick a different abusive man."... (RhythmnandBlues)
Really don't know where people get their statistics from... many abused people, men or women, learn to manipulate to survive, they become very adept and using the little power that they have....
The problem comes when they find a person who loves them and wants to treat them well.. They are so used to being frightened, they don't trust and they don't think they deserve love.... Abused women or men can misunderstand normal behaviour and become very sensitive, looking for signs of abuse or rejection....
They also become very good at learning how to hurt people, how to push them away, how to reject love which frightens them because they wish to be alone and safe...
You aunts and uncles do this lady no favours but trying to convince her that this man's normal human reaction (anger) is abuse.... I don't think she'll be back, she wasn't wanting that answer... but you have given her ammunition to stay single and alone whenever a man tries to love her...
Your sympathy and kindness and (for me) bad advice, will leave this woman alone and starved of love...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): Sorry, I agree with all the posters that label this guy an abuser, get out of there and don't look back. To the aunts that blame the poster, shame on you (I've read your views in other posts and it makes me want to scream, you are so far off the mark, but you continue to dish out your diatribe in a nasty and vindictive way). NO MAN (or women) should scream in your face like that, over a seemingly minor incident. There was nothing in your post to suggest you had contintually accused this guy of eyeing up other women, so where they got their justification from that you clearly had overstepped the mark is beyond me. Communication is the key here, not shouting and waving his hands in your face. He clearly has issues and an inability to express himself properly. If he is truly sorry and willing to talk about it, then see how you feel. Personally I would ditch his ass.
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A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (6 June 2010):
Celia and Miamine,
It is very true that there are a lot of people who don't quite understand gender on this site, those who can't see that if the gender roles were reversed, they would behave and judge differently. If you ask me, they should be smart enough to stop agonizing the rest of the aunts. I just want to point out that there are two issues at work here; the accusation and the mild violence it caused. Each should be dealt with by this couple by communicating extensively about how they feel. Right? Being jealous when your boyfriend looks at others is it's own vice. Looking at others is its own vice. Hitting people is it's own vice. Yelling and pointing at people is it's own vice. And each one of these things is caused by caring for another human, and each one can be turned from vice to a shared, communicated experience minus the yelling and violence. But get serious all you people down there, we've all lost our shit every now and again, and so by your definition, we are all losers and abusers. This is the kind of crap that doesn't help anyone. If the scenario that the poster describes happens all the time, if he has hit her, if she is often scared, I completely retract my statements. However, based on what is posted, I'm sticking to them.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 June 2010):
Lets walk in the guys shoes, lets turn this story around, and see if you still think her behaviour is wrong.
(story) I'm a woman dating a man. Everytime I walk down the street he accuses me of looking at other men and wanting to have sex with them. I can't even lift my eyes, he's always accusing me of some type of unfaithfulness.
I can't take anymore, he makes me feel like a "whore/scum".. One day, I just loose it and start screaming and tell him to stop treating me like this. He slaps me across the face...
mmmmmm.... who is right or wrong in this similar case?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 June 2010):
Man shouting = wicked abusive person
Woman slapping = fine, you had cause for violence
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 June 2010):
Is shouting and loosing your temper abusive.... is everyone on this dear cupid board a saint, who manages to keep their voice calm no matter what the provocation?
Don't listen to me, yes certainly, listen to only people who agree with you. But then again, it's not me or the people on this board who you have to live with.
Rather than come here and ask us to be judge and jury, (a waste of time) go and communicate with your boyfriend about what upsets you and why.
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female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Umm DO NOT listen to the person below 'Miamine'. Totally off and rather unsympathetic.
OK, I have a non abusive boyfriend who I have have caught looking at other women. I called him out on this. I got upset and angry. He got upset.
However, unlike your boyfriend he wanted to 'talk' about it. He did NOT shout, did not threaten me, did NOT scare me. Simply gave me a huge hug and reassured me that I'm the best for him. This is what a HEALTHY reaction is.
The man you just picked is ANOTHER abuser...whether you slaped him or not, his reaction was way over the top. Take it as a yellow flag and act immediately. Work on yourself, seek counseling, take up hobbies and spend time with family and girlfriends. After 10 years with an abuser I doubt that you are fully strong and healthy. Naturally you might attract abusive me.
What he did is very abusive. Your action was simply a REACTION to the fear of him verbally/mentally abusing you. Please look after yourself ok hun?!
Big hug.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 June 2010):
*You know the difference between the abuse you suffered and this normal guy who was provoked and had a reason for loosing his temper and shouting.
You mention the abuse in your last relationship, because you are manipulative and you want sympathy for your bad behaviour.
Behave more reasonably, or no matter what we say, this guy will walk away. You might win the argument online, but it's what happens between you and your boyfriend and what he thinks of you that really matters here.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 June 2010):
Your wrong, and you were not as calm and reasonable as you make out. You have jealousy issues and probably accuse your guy of all types of things. He is not your last boyfriend, he sounds like a guy who lost his temper because he has a distrusting accusative girlfriend.
You know the abuse you suffered and this guy who lost his temper and started shouting. You had no right to hit him, he did nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 He probably stared without realizing his actions.He should not have screamed at you and in the process intimidating you .It was a natural reflex action.
You were provoked and under those circumstances, I think you were not wrong to slap him to stop those provocations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): I agree 100% with Caring Guy. 99% of women who are in abusive relationships stay in those type of relationships and pick a different abusive man.
Unless you are willing to remain single or AT LEAST a year after ending a 10 year abusive relationship and go to therapy and try to work on your core issues, you will forever repeat this destructive pattern.
You have had your spirit broken and your sense of judgement and instincts for self preservation broken down over time. You need to get some professional help to rebuild yourself. Anytime you build a house on sand, it will eventually come crumbling down.
Put your focus on you, dump the loser and get busy rebuilding your life as an independent single woman...and then and only then are you ready for a relationship, a healthy one that is.
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A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (6 June 2010):
He was scaring you and didn't back off. That's not good. He may be abusive, but it's hard to tell from this. Slapping him was a bit of abuse from you, but you were also being provoked, and we scared. If he or you repeats this behavior a lot, get some help or leave him. If you don't then don't worry about it. Everyone has been through a bad fight before where it almost got physical. But if you're scared all the time, get away from him .. .
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 June 2010):
Ah. I think I found the problem in your last sentence. You've been abused by an ex boyfriend for ten years. That's a long time. And I think rather than come to terms with what has happened and spend time alone building your confidence up, you've gone out and picked another abuser as a boyfriend. I'm sorry, but no self respecting boyfriend who cares for his girlfriend screams millimetres away from his girlfriend's face, remains angry and almost hits yo,leans over you and then labels you as an abuser. Granted, you slapped him, and though that was wrong, I do understand it. His reaction shows how guilty he was. You've picked another abuser, and you should end it now. Spend time alone with friends, with a counsellor and really get your self esteem and confidence together again. This guy is the same as your ex underneath it all. End it no, or it will be another then years of abuse.
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