A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for several years. We live together, and have for the past 3 years. After years of being together, I cheated on him. I am not going to make any excuses. I know what I did was wrong. I knew it when I did it. I was not drunk. I am not blaming anyone. I did it and I regret it. I know it was wrong. I feel tremendously guilty and I will not do it again. I am not looking for judgement. I am planning on telling my boyfriend what I did. I know this will not go well, nor do I think it should. I know this will hurt him. What I want to know is, is there a chance he will forgive me? Will he ever be able to trust me again?
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male
reader, catfish777 +, writes (4 August 2010):
The statistics say that he probably won't forgive you and you two will split. Since it's been a nearly a year, what did happen? Did you tell him?
My own advice would be to never tell him if you want a chance at a serious relationship. He will never look at you again without seeing a slut.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): THINK ABOUT THIS before you unburden your soul and ruin his life... people dump this kind of shit on the most important person in their life, feel better and GUT the other person... Why transfer the pain? You did it, you own it... keep him out if it. You need to grow from this, and become a better partner. Shower him with affection, be a better person to him... treat him like a saint... and for God sakes, stop cheating...
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A
male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (9 October 2009):
There are some basic reasons why women cheat. Heres the big three in my opinion.
1. You don't really love him and are looking to sabotage this relationship to get out of it.
2. You sabotage relationships when you feel things are going too good because you have a fear of true intimacy. Likely caused by childhood abandonment or abuse by the father. It causes an addiction to chaos.
3. Your just not strong morally and your weakness resulted in an affair.
Only you can really tell if you love him and want the realtionship to continue. If it's over, don't bother telling him and break up.
If you have a history of sabotaging relationships, start a healthy relationship with a counselor or psychiatrist to get to the root of the real problem. Don't tell your boyfriend, it's your cross to bear. If your dealing with the problem then that's what's important. Telling him unburdens your soul but burdens his. Let him be happy and learn to live with what you did.
If it's a moral issue you should tell him because this may reoccur and he has a right to know your true nature.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 We can't really tell whether he will forgive you or not. It is a difficult thing to forgive, however, and your telling him will change the relationship between you two, maybe forever.
Have you stopped to think why you cheated?
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Actions not words....
only through actions can you ever hope to regain his trust, because when you SAY it will not happen again, you cant be sure of that...
Frankly, you should have felt that guilt before you spread your legs for another man.
All that BS that SFT is peddling below me is good when you read it in a book (which I guess you are peddling that too?), but impractical in application
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 The answer lies with you. What would you like to happen? Do you want forgiveness? How would you regard him, if, knowing that you blatantly cheated, he forgave you?I think that deep down, you already know that your relationship is finished. Only you know why you cheated, and you know your boyfriend well enough to know more or less how he is going to respond. Reading between the lines, you seem ready to accept whatever fate throws at you - there seems to be an air of resignation in your question.You did it, it was wrong, you knew it was wrong as you did it. Yet, you still did it. That, to me, is the crucial part. Now, after the event, you have regrets, feel guilty and say you won't do it again. The question you need to ask yourself is if you mean you won't do it again with that man, or you won't do it again period? There are many, many ways to 'spin' an affair. You have chosen to tell the truth in plain and simple terms, which is laudable. But you have totally destroyed his trust in you, a thing which takes so long to build, and is gone in an instant. Only you can decide if he will trust you. It will take many years of hard work from you, and you might never really regain it. One thing I noticed in your post was the number of things that you don't say. You don't say you WANT to be forgiven. You don't say you WANT to be trusted, although I assume you do. But most important of all, you don't say how you feel about your boyfriend. Being with him and living with him for a few years is one thing. Loving him is something else. He needs to know that you do, or he needs to know that you don't. Only you know for sure.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 October 2009):
 The answer to this question really begins with how deep an emotional commitment the two of you have towards each other.
His reaction is going to be that he's going to feel betrayed and hurt by your affair.
However, he has to know that this is hurting you too. In fact, it tearing you up inside. That's why you want to tell him and you want him to forgive you.
The only possible solution to something like this is that he has to be in a place, mentally, where he has to know that you're both in agony over this incident. That is the two of you need to be able to be close enough, and open enough to acknowledge that it happened and that the two of you need to overcome this and heal together.
The fact that you're telling him about this, and that you're opening up about something both personal and shameful to you, should open his heart towards forgiveness.
It also helps rebuild trust. Perhaps that is the key right here. If he knows that you're hurting over this, then he will be more open towards trusting you again.
Some men and some women will want to "check up" on you constantly to make sure that you're not out there running around,but from what you've said, its not going to happen again and so that's probably never going to be an issue.
All I can recommend past working on overcoming this together as a couple, is that the two of you also spend more time together as a couple.
There's virtually no clue in your question about what led to this incident, but if he was neglecting you or ignoring you, its very possible that this contributed to what happened. I'm not saying that's what happened. I can only speculate.
But that's usually the reason why these things happen. And the loss of intimacy coupled with being ignored or neglected is usually the cause of infidelity in a relationship.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
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