A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met up with this guy and concented to sex...then during sex I decided this wasnt right and asked him repeatedly to stop....he didnt, I even tried moving but I wasnt strong enough, when it was all over I just let it go and stayed the night....I have also seen him on a few occasions afte rthis and said nothing is this rape? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 It was rape. Period.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): He should have respected you nevertheless and stopped when you asked him to. Nevertheless, perhaps you could have said something a bit before the penis went in?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): I said it was not entirely a rape and my post did not appear. Perhaps there is some "editing" going on here by the moderators . . .
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male
reader, called Steve  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 To be honest it makes you seem shallow and superficial... you obviously didn't give that much thought to your actions before you slept together. Technically it would be classed as rape but you would be hard pushed to find:1. A Lawyer to represent you.2. Someone who would believe you were not a consenting party.I'm sorry for you, but IMO it would be laughed out of court if it ever got that far. You most likely feel hard done by but you must accept that you too made a wrong decision and as such have to accept that you cant really expect him to stop to initially consensual sex. Put it down to experience and move on, but learn from this that you need to take longer in your decision making process (which are a tad immature).Good luck and be more careful in future!Steve
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): Anytime you say no and sex is forced on you it is rape. You need to know that and do what you feel you need to do with that information, but I will agree with many others who have posted... if you fight, it will be a long, hard battle, and one you may not win. That being said, you need to do what your heart tells you is right for you.
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 I'd let this one pass through to the keeper and just learn from it. Because of the circumstances, if you were to try and press rape charges you'd have about a 99 to 1 chance of it succeeding, and definitely not in your favour. Lawyers make mincemeat of women in your situation, and the scars left from that are often worse than the experience itself. Try to direct the energy generated by the anger into putting it behind you. Good luck and take care of yourself. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): Does it matter what you call it? This tells you more about you than about the guy. You need to look at your reactions to situations. If someone is forcing you to do something why are you with the person after the event? Why are you seeing him again? Yes, he should not have continued. If he were decent he would have stopped. But no one knows his side of it. And if he is such a troll, he'll now think this is how women (or at least, you) are - she says yes, then she says no, you force her, you get off, she turns around and goes to sleep and meets you again as if nothing has happened. To me this speaks volumes about you that you are debating this with yourself instead of registering your protest and discomfort with what happened with the man himself. You need to take stock. And decide what you want to do next... or what you could have done differently. Let this incident go.. but if you are going to have sex again with this man or another you need to establish boundaries before hand.
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male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (9 October 2009):
Yes, it qualifies as rape. It's a bad situation for both when something like this happens. As a technical matter it's rape. As a practical matter, I wouldn't try to bring charges.
1. The defense attorney will ask "Did you try to scream to get help?...No?....why not?"
2. "If it was rape, why did you stay the night?"
3. "If days and weeks later your not sure it's rape, why are you judging him for not knowing it was rape 5 minutes before his orgasm?"
4. "Why did you wait so long to come forward with the charges?"
5. "Do you think it's fair to get a man excited and out of his normal state of mind then fault him for not stopping on a dime and switching his emotions off in an instant like you did?"
6. "Do you think it's reasonable he just assumed you had an orgasm and were being selfish and not allowing him to orgasm as well, maybe he thought he was convincing you to let him finish too?"
And so on and so forth and so on. I think you have a right to feel violated. But I wouldn't go around calling this man a rapist either. There are bedroom negotiations that wouldn't survive a court of law very well. This is one of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): I agree with parts of most of the posts here. Yes, I believe it was rape - if you remove consent at any point and make it clear that you want to stop and he continues, then it's rape. I don't believe that a man (or woman) can be THAT into the moment that if their partner is telling them to stop and trying to pull away that they COULD NOT stop. I do not think that's a valid excuse. Yes, sex can be good and you can get caught up in the moment, but there's a time where you need to stop anyway - self-control is important. The fact that he didn't stop, means that yes it's fair to call him a rapist. I appreciate Replacement's input on all this, I felt it was good advice.I disagree with pinktopaz because I feel that there are times that men and women make a choice to consent to sex or any sexual activity in the heat of a moment, or if they are persuaded into it in some way even if they are not entirely certain, but then realize that it's not what they want and they'd like to stop. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we change our minds, it happens, that doesn't give the person you're doing stuff with the right to continue against our wishes. Also, as for him (and you) not taking her seriously, I honestly believe it's a very poor excuse when a rapist says they thought the person was 'only joking' about something like this. Telling someone to stop, pulling away, these are all things that show unwillingness and should be taken seriously. Personally, if I were doing anything sexual with someone and they showed hesitation or disapproval (especially if they vocalized this approval or pulled away) I would want to stop. I would have to have them say "I want you to continue what you were doing" for me to want to keep going and to know that it was okay.Also, try to understand that situations like this are always complicated, especially when you have feelings or a certain perception of the person you are with, that could be why she didn't leave and stayed the night. She's asking if it was rape, which means she wasn't sure then either, so it's likely that she didn't know for sure if she had the right to be upset with him at the time so she figured she should just let it go and stay over. There are many instances of even husbands and wives who are raped by their partners just letting it go or still staying in the same bed because they don't know how to feel at the time. Trust can be broken easily by something like this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still take a bit to get thinking clearly again, so I can understand why she stayed.To the original poster, I'm sorry that this happened to you, but I would agree with q1605 and Replacement - rape is often a hard case to make and is incredibly unfair even to the victim. You could make a case for it, and it also depends how long ago this happened, but I feel that it would be a very difficult situation for you emotionally as well. I almost always advise people that they should press charges so that this doesn't happen to someone else, but that doesn't mean that the case will always be easy to make or that the charges will stick. I know this is a hard reality, and believe me I wish it were different. If you need someone to talk with, I suggest you could find a professional counselor to speak with about what happened, and I am sure no one here (as well as myself) would object to you messaging them just to vent some. I hope things work out for you.I'm sorry, I am apparently very long-winded. :\
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 October 2009):
Replacement-you're right, I guess I can't relate because I wouldn't agree to have sex with a man unless I knew that I wanted to...so judge all you want as to what's weird. Personally, I think it's weird to have sex with someone and then in the middle of it decide that it doesn't feel right and then spend the night with him after he supposidly violated you.
If I tried to seriously imagine myself in the situation, I would be doing a lot more than repeatedly asking to stop and trying to move. If I was literally being restrained by his body weight and he wouldn't stop because I was truly feeling violated I would be screaming and trying to hit and kick him. I also certainly wouldn't share a bed with him that night, I'd haul ass out of there.
I'm not saying that most men wouldn't stop...but he didn't. But I don't think that it's valid to call him a rapist, when he thought it was okay to start and didn't stop in the middle, he may not have taken her seriously, just like how I'm not exactly taking her seriously either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): You shouldn't have initiated it then if you weren't going to continue, legally, it would barely be able to be brought to court.
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male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Pinktopaz- So, if you were in the middle of sex with a guy and you decided you didn't want to do it anymore for whatever reason, and he refused to let you get out from under him, and kept going and going, even though you were yelling at him to stop and trying to push him off, and he just held you down, ignored your pleas, and went ahead until he got off, you would think that was a good example of consensual sex? You wouldn't feel violated? You wouldn't feel raped? You have a weird view of consent, and a weird view of men- my mind, when I am having sex is not "elsewhere" it is focussed 100% on the woman I am involved with, admiring her reactions and her body and getting pleasure out of her pleasure. If she was in pain (emotional or physical) or begging me to stop... I'd stop. Most men would. Rapists wouldn't.
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male
reader, Replacement +, writes (9 October 2009):
Yes, this is rape, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
I have been involved with a woman who changed her mind halfway through (once) and I immediately stopped. Men can stop during sex. I for one would find it incredibly UNAROUSING to have sex with a woman who was saying "stop" and trying to wriggle away. If he kept going it shows a complete lack of respect or interest in what you want. The fact that you tried to physically push him off and he wouldn't let you shows me that he's violent and aggressive and dangerous. Stay far away.
Unfortunately legally speaking rape cases are hard to prosecute even in the best of times, even with lots of evidence, that's just the (messed up) society we live in, so I'm not sure I'd advise you to press charges or take legal action. But I would definitely stay away from him, and perhaps have psychological counselling to help you work through your feelings about it.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 October 2009):
Why? Do you want to go to the authorities about it? Sorry, but you stopped a guy DURING sex...that's a bit late to decide that it didn't feel "right." Yes, he should have stopped as you requested, but you consented to begin with--I wouldn't consider it rape. Some might.
Just think ahead of time in the future if you really want to sleep with someone. I'm not saying that he has no self control, but when a guy is in the middle of having sex with you, it's probably not the best time to change your mind, considering his mind is elsewhere.
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female
reader, Knight_in_White_Satin +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Well in the UK legally speaking consent can be revoked at any time and he MUST STOP.
I don't know what the American Law is but i'd imagine that it's the same. So yes this was rape. Report him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): Yep that's definitely rape. You are legally allowed to change your mind whenever you want and he has to stop otherwise he's having sex with someone who has withdrawn their consent. Without consent, that is rape.
I have no idea what kind of man would want to keep having sex with a girl who isn't into it- he must be a real creep, loser or asshole, probably all three. If I were you I would avoid him from now on. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (8 October 2009):
 Even though you consented to begin with, you withdrew that consent and he kept going and therefore, legally speaking, it could be rape. What do you want to do about it? If you want to press charges you need to see a lawyer, tell them everything that happened and get some advice. It doesn't matter that you stayed the night or that you have seen him since.
See someone about it as soon as possible. Good luck.
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