A
female
age
36-40,
*onicchick
writes:Recently I found out my partner has been looking at porn and signing up for online dating sites. I had confronted him about this and he said the only reason he is on the dating sites is to look at sexy photos of average women. I asked him why it is that he feels the need to go on these websites and he mentioned that he is bored with our sex life and he has a high libido so needs more. Since then I have been trying hard at mentioning different things that we can try in the bedroom although I do not get much of a response at all. After sex the other night I asked him what he thought of some of things I mentioned and whether he would be keen. He just said I don't want to talk about this now, I am tired. I have asked him about what his fantasies are although he just says that he doesn't know. (Which I know is crap!!!) I don't mind him looking at porn but it upsets me that he is sharing his fantasies with these other women but won't open up to me. We are a very open couple about everything except for when it comes to sex. I am very open to what ever it is he wants to try and he knows that I am but I just do not understand why he won't tell me his fantasies! Can someone please give me their opinion on how I get him to feel more comfortable and open up to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): First, did he really say that your sex is boring in those words? If so, he needs to be a bit diplomatic about it. If you are paraphrasing his words then OK.
Some guys don't have much of an imagination and some women don't either. I have an active imagination and high sex drive, but my wife doesn't have much of an imagination and has a lower sex drive than me. I'm always the one to think up new things to try and she is happy to try them. I fantisize a lot, while she seldom does and never has much.
Some people fantasize about movie stars or porn stars. Some fantasize about faceless people, like one woman who I know. Others, like myself, fantasize about someone who they have known in the past, like a former friend or sexual partner. My wife knows that my fantasies are detailed and that I do this after I wake up, while I am lying there waiting for her to get awake. She will sometimes ask me who I was screwing this morning. I'm sometimes embarassed to tell her who it was, as she knows who the women are and has talked to one of them several times in the past. She doesn't mind and just teases me to embarass me. She doesn't mind because she knows that as soon as she is awake that I am all over her and totally forget about the fantasy women.
I have also been on dating sites for the same reason that your partner says that he does it. To see actual real women looking for partners or sex, not fake porn stars. I have only done this a few times though, as, like cherriepie, I like amateur porn sex. It is more real, like what we do at home. My wife knows all of the things that I have looked at, as I have no reason to keep it a secret.
So, after all of this babbling, what I am trying to say is that I don't think that your partner is all that unusual. I dated a woman many years ago when I was still shy about sex. She suggested things to do a couple of times and, although I wanted to do them, I was too shy to actually take the initiative to do it. I eventually grew out of that and now am the one to suggest things with my wife.
A
female
reader, love-him  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Hey hon, give him some time to see if he opens up to you, like the others have said, he could just be embarrased about this certain bit of the topic.. let him feel comfortable about opening up to you about it.. I agree about the dating sites, i found some on my boyfriends PC and he blamed them on his brother and dad.. he hasnt been on their since.. I think you should say you dont like him on dating sites, but porn is great idea.. Let me no how you get on.. feel free to mail me at any time xx
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A
female
reader, Cherriepie  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 He might be telling you the truth and you can't accept it. A lot of guy have no imagination even with sexual fantasies. some porn juat has no imagination at all period...its just straght sex. and thats cool too. i like watching gonzo or amatuer porn..which is sex without the dumb plot, but its still a turn on even if it lacks a story.
I dont know what you are expecting from him. instead of sugesting these things...just do it. Maybe you want to try something different like bondage....you can just relax your guy and pull out the cuffs and surprise him...something like that. you probably have a bigger imagination than him...use it, and don't wait for him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, red1982 +, writes (8 February 2008):
It can be really embarrasing sharing your fantasies with your partner, he may feel that what he desires is somehow 'odd' and is worried about your reaction. It can be much easier to open up to a stranger especially one that you won't have to see in the flesh ie these women. But I don't blame you for being upset. I would be too.
I don't think there is very much you can do to help him to open up other then what you have already done and you'll have to be patient with him and hope that he will tell you one day. Have you tried telling him what your fantasies are and acting them out? Once he sees that you are willing to be open with him about the things that you like you may find that he does the same.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 If he likes you or love you , he will open up to you. You have to make him like or love you more..
If what he sees or feels stale about something , there is nothing much you can do except to take a break.
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