A
female
age
41-50,
*ioness32
writes:hello im a 32 year old woman who has been seeing this married man for 7 years. i thought we had a really good relationship and we talked on the phone every other day. now for some reason i have not heard from him in a week. i know thats not a very long time but considering how we use to talk it is. i am hurt because i feel like hes pulling away. i never asked him to leave his wife and i never would i just wish i knew why hes been distant. i know i was wrong for messing with a married man i just wish i knew why all of a sudden he wont call. it really hurts
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): Oh I feel your pain, I am going through the same thing. My heart is literally ripping in two. How did your situation turn out
A
female
reader, lioness32 +, writes (9 January 2010):
lioness32 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for the responses. They really helped me, i now see how foolish and selfish i have been. Thanks Againi'm moving on!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Hi there. After 7 years he knows he has you pretty much where he wants you otherwise you would have dumped him and found someone available. What keeps you with him? Are you fearful of making a real commitment or do you secretly hope one day he will leave his family? You are young and wasting precious years of your life. We have only one life. Don't waste it on a cheat. If you were my sister I would seriously get down on my knees if I had to and BEG you to wise up & leave him. He is treating you like crap, just suddenly not calling. He is prioritising his family and many people would say he should be doing this. What he should not be doing is having a mistress and treating other human beings (his wife and yourself) in such a cavalier manner. What do you want from him? What do you want from yourself and from life? You are young pleeeaase don't waste this one precious life of yours, in your youth and prime, on a liar/cheat. My mother had a 6 year affair with a married man and it ended badly when he left her abruptly and I saw her suffer & it was upsetting for all of us and she says she will NEVER go there again, EVER. She's since re-married someone else thank God! At least try to meet other people there are guys out there who WILL call you and WILL make proper time for you, the time you deserve. The other people who answered you gave good advice. Have another read of the post by 'beingblack' - everything he says is right! Good luck Honey. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Think about how you are feeling now & then multiply that by about a thousand & that will give you a rough idea of what his wife might feel if she found out the man she loves & married is cheating on her & for so many years! I had an affair with a married man when I was 30, after splitting up with my long term partner. My married lover never stayed over in the 4 years I was seeing him, not once! He had 3 children & I have to say I am not proud of myself at all for what I did.
Anyway the moral of my post is that he dumped me over the phone very unceremoniously one day simply stating that he had been found out by a cousin of his (to make matters even worse we worked at the same place & his cousin came to work there as a temp)& she had given him an ultimatum to either dump his mistress or she would tell his wife. He said that one day he would own up to his wife about his affairs! (he had other affairs before me and no doubt has had some since, if he could get away with it). I later found out what a hard working woman his wife was who was doing the best for her family and that he was quite lazy & rude at home.
I don't know if what he told me is true (ie his cousin giving him an ultimatum) or whether he was just bored & wanted to dump me anyway but the point is that he had no qualms about doing it quickly & cruelly. I never saw him again after that, apart from once when we crossed paths at work and he leered at me with a strange smile as if to say 'i've had that'!. I was gutted and it took me months to get over it but then I met another guy who was not married, who made time for me, took me out, took me on holiday, bought me nice presents & would travel miles on his bike in all weathers just to come and see me & I know which situation I prefer!! And funny enough, my new guy went away on a work course and there was a woman there flirting with him blatantly and he admitted to flirting a bit with her but said he loved me and missed me and woudl not have cheated with her .. but still, it really really upset me .... Karma????!!
Being a mistress is bad enough and some women swear they can handle it and it's just an 'arrangement' especially if the guy is well off etc but there is still the question of a wife and children and how would we feel if we were them??! Being a mistress with expectations is a recipe for disaster. I have a friend whose current husband is with her cos he dumped his first wife for her and his children don't speak to him and it's all awful. It's just a big recipe for disaster. If you love him and believe he loves you, call him out once and for all and make him decide about his life.
If you are not that bothered, then you wouldn't be writing this post so I think you need to make a decision. I know it could be painful for you but really, after so many years, is he really going to change. He could cheat on you too. I think i can see where you are coming from ie you have him in your life, you are not asking for him to leave but as long as he calls and you can have regular contact with him you are happy. I was the same ... it is called 'settling for second best' and I realised it was my low self esteem that was causing it.
It is really really hard to have a casual arrangement with a man without getting caught up in feelings no matter how tough you think you are. I would concentrate on going out and about and making another life for yourself. There may be times when he can't call you at all and the longer this goes on, the worse it will be when/if he finally stops calling altogether. I am not saying this to be horrible but really, we all know dating married men is a lost cause and what sort of asshole cheats on his wife for so long, so shamelessly?
I am 45 now & I could tell you countless countless stories of affairs with married men that end in tears - I've lost count of the stuff I've heard over the years and it's so sad to see, often beautiful funny loving women wasting away with their hearts literally eating out because of their own low esteem, over a man who is basically weak and a cheat and a liar - because in order to have an affair for so many years he must be quite a good liar! Sorry this is a bit of a long ramble but argghhhhh i know how it feels and it just isn't worth it at all - trust me!! It's hard once you are attached to someone but this guy needs to know you are not his doormat and you have a whole other life waiting to be lived and after all he has been living two lives so it would serve him right if both his wife and yourself got yourselves a new man!! Take care & don't let him have so much control over you to make you feel so hurt because he really doesn't sound worth it. Try to put it all into perspective.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 January 2010):
Hi there lioness,
I'm a male, so I can explain this to you. Basically, he doesn't care one bit about you. He's still with his wife, and he has you on the side. He doesn't call, because he doesn't' have to. He might even be seeing someone else. Please stop wasting your time. You don't want to wake up one day and realize you've totally wasted your younger years a man who just doesn't' care, because if you continue,, that's just what's going to happen.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (9 January 2010):
 Why wont he call you? Why should he call you?
He is married after all. Seven years of seeing a married man. I guess that you feel he 'owes' you an explanation, or something?
What are you doing? Step back, and look at the situation. Why are you wasting your best years with someone who will never be yours? All that time, all those years. You can never get them back.
Yes, you may be hurting. But honestly, what did you expect would happen in the long run?
One of my sisters was like you, seeing a married man for nearly 15 years. I begged her, threatened her, and tried everything to try to make her see sense. When she turned 42, he dumped her like she was just some old rag he had gotten tired of. And what did she have to show for a life of stolen days, clandestine meetings, and lies, lies and lies?
Nothing. Not a thing.
Please do not end up the same, a broken, fragile, bitter woman with regrets. It really isnt worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): He won't call BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED!! Leave him alone and shame on you for having an affair with a married man.I know you want some response that tells you everything will be ok but I won't give you that. You should respect a marriage, no matter how big of an a-hole this guy is for cheating on his wife. You should have more respect for yourself than to put your feelings on the line with someone who will never be able to love you the right way.You deserve better.His wife deserves better. He sucks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): One of the things you lose when you date a married man is the right to ask questions - to him or to anyone else about him. Just like you can't pick someone's pocket and ask an agony aunt about it. Just like you walked into your friend's house for a party and decided to help yourself to her jewellery... what do you think people will say if you wrote asking about some stolen jewellery that you now cannot find?It's your choice to do what you do. The consequences of this one are that you get to live in some sort of isolation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Maybe he has realized what he has at home is more important
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A
female
reader, Blanket +, writes (9 January 2010):
Maybe because he has found someone else to occupy his time. Married men who cheat always have other women on the side-never just one. I hope you didn't think you would be the only one. Shame on you for believing you would be his only mistress....lol...
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