A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are very happily married. However, in the past she was involved in very emotionally abusive relationships in the past where she put up with a lot of cheating and verbal abuse. She told me that she always tried to give more of herself to her former partners (emotionally and physically) in the hopes that it would stop their ways, but it never did. It only got worse until she left the relationships. She told me once about things that she did for them as she wanted no secrets between us in that area. As our relationship progressed, I had to work hard to earn her trust and show her that not all men were the same. Like any couple we have our ups and downs but we are always there for each other and always share the workload around the house. We have a large family (6 kids - 3 each from our previous marriages) and life can be hectic. The one major stress in our life is the slow down in our sex life. At one point we were having amazing sex at least 3 times a week - minimum, however over the last 8 months we sometimes go 3 weeks or more without it. My wife is the one who has lost most of her interest. She either states she's tired because of work, or stressed out because of the kids, or states other reasons (we like to be loud, but really can't be with the kids home obviously). This frustrates me to no end because as I said before, we used to have an amazing sex life and I want us both to enjoy it to its fullest. She has acknowledged that she has neglected this part of our relationship and says she's sorry, and I do believe her. What truly bothers me is the fact that I know that she's done a lot sexually in the past to keep a partner who was cheating in the hopes that they would change, and they would be happy. However in my case, I am a faithful, dedicated husband to her and pretty much have to beg for sex. When we do have it nowadays, it's quick and she's not into it. She tells me she is doing it to make me happy. I try my very best to not get upset and I am as patient as I can be with the situation. I guess my question is how is it that cheating partners from her past had all their needs taken care of even though they treated her poorly, while a dedicated husband has to patiently wait until the mood strikes. I just want the passion between us to return.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): People normally say a man in your shoes has no right to expect more sex from her than average just because of what she did with past men. She is supposed to have a fresh start with you. But the problem with this kind of advice is that it's usually one-sided. People say you should not carry her past into her present. But by holding out on you SO MUCH, she is probably doing that herself. If her past was REALLY not factoring into the present at all, then would she withholding sex from her husband (you) so much, now that she finally can? Doubtful. If her past was not a factor, if she did not have this troubled history with trying too hard to please men, then she would probably be doing something in the middle. That is what she owes you. Something in the middle. A compromise. That is what healthy relationships do.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 June 2015):
 I think Cindy and WiseOwlE explained it REALLY well from a woman's view point.
And I think you have a bit of a skewed view of her former sex life. As you honestly have NO idea what it was like. And it really doesn't matter as she is NOW married to YOU. This is not about what she did or didn't do with her ex. This is about you two making it work in the HERE AND NOW. HER sexual past is irrelevant.
PUT forth an effort to have date-nights (no kids) make her FEEL special and I bet you... she will return the favor.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2015):
 The glib me wants to say: Start cheating on her, so that she'll go in to her "whore" personna in an over-indulgent attempt to keep you home..... BUT,
.... the sensible me says: Why bother?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2015):
 I think you got the answer to your question loud and clear already, only... you weren't listening.
1) She was so compliant and adventurous with her previous " bad " partners because she thought that sex was a way, maybe the only way, to KEEP them around. It was a tactical erotism, finalized to obtaining a certain result. If then you want to know why she was so messed up that she was ready to go to such lengths in order to keep bad , cheating, abusive partners, - that's a good question, and it probably has got to do with low self esteem, or childhood trauma or who knows what, but it's a question better asked to her shrink.
Then, luckily, she found you and a secure, stable, loving relationship in which she can just be herself and be valued ( she hopes ) for more than the services she provides, including sexual services. She is free ( she hopes ) to say no when she is not in the mood , and yet still be loved and cherished.
2 ) She is tired, physically and psychologically, in fact make it exhausted , depleted and at times fed up, from having 6 ( SIX ! ) kids underfoot to take care of, and a life which probably becomes " hectic "... way more often than the average woman has to face.
While I am sure she loves her kids, and yours !, dearly and all your extended family is also the source for her of great joy and comfort- I still have to know, at my ripe age, a stay at home mother of six who feels like playing Dita Von Teese and goind around in see-through lace corsets.
So she gave you two objectively very reasonable answers to your question- but apparently, neither was good enough for you....
I have to add, and that's totally my hunch, unsupported by any evidence, just some vibe I feel from what she says about her past- that maybe she was never naturally passionate and sexual to begin with. She sounds more like the kind of woman who " gives " sex to get something else- love, romance, stability, intimacy.
So, have you been swindled by the old bait-and-switch ? All lusty, passionate, feisty until the target has been reeled in, and then just the bare minimum ?...
No, not really, or not intentionally.
Simply, there IS, biochemically speaking too, the honeymoon stage, and an initial phase of newness and discovery which makes every encounter very exciting.
Once this is over , and a couple has set in a comfortable, secure routine,- then it's up to individual personalities. Some women will be more " carnal " than others , and maintain an instinctual, physiological appetite for sex per se, in itself (...but more into a lower age bracket than your wife , if she is in your age bracket she coud be perimenopausal ) . Others ( and I think perhaps they are the majority ) will feel amorous only more sporadically, when they are in right mood, frame of mind, physical condition etc.
All in all, I feel that maybe you got married with somewhat unrealistic expectations . It's hard to maintain intact the initial sparkle- and a lot of people, men included, feel it's not a MUST to keep it intact along the years, when there are, or there should be, so many other things to keep together happily a couple.
Of course there's always room for improvement, and for compromise, and you can try all the old tricks, from a romantic getaway without the children , to couple therapy if needs be, and anything in between.
But whatever you do, please tread lightly, and without the sense of entitlement of one who discovers he made a bad bargain, and he is not getting his " dues "- otherwise you'll push her to a repetition of her old patterns, when she was giving sex only to keep her customer coming to the shop , so to speak. Which, would solve your problem about the quantity of sex, but I doubt would feel fulfilling or gratifying for either of you.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (17 June 2015):
'She tells me she is doing it to make me happy. I try my very best to not get upset and I am as patient as I can be with the situation.'
I think you need to be careful here, as she's falling into old patterns and having sex only because you want it. This can eventually lead to an aversion to sex which basically means the woman gets to the point where she feels physically repulsed by the act (google it for more info). I understand that sometimes it's necessary to have sex for the benefit of a partner but it shouldn't be like that all the time.
The sad thing about your post for me is, you are acting as if the other men had it better. As if her feeling almost forced to have sex is a preferable option than you having to live with a little less sex. Do you really want that? For her to hate every minute of it but do it because she's afraid you'll leave? Dude she told you she was miserable then yet you are suggesting you want her to go back to that?
I think everything in your post explains why she has gone off sex. She's working and raising 6 kids - jeez I have no kids and there are times I have a tough day at work and don't feel so hot! Are you helping her as much as you can? Are you taking time to make her feel special, rather than only taking an interest when you want sex from her?
As others have suggested, why not take a holiday or go away for a night? Despite the fact we say it all the time, men struggle to grasp that we are different from them. That seduction for us is a 24 hour thing, not a 'oh I'm horny, where's the wife' type of thing! Men often don't seem to realise how transparent it is when they are nice to us purely because they want sex, and honestly, it makes us feel a bit used. You need to work on making her feel special all the time without having a hidden agenda.
And finally, you MUST stop thinking that she owes you sex for whatever reason. Even if that requires counselling to get over her past. Thinking you are entitled to as much sex as you want because you are a nicer guy than her exes doesn't make you much better for her than them to be honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): I agree with others here that you do NOT want to recreate any of the unhealthy dynamics that existed in her previous relationships. Abuse like that can be very difficult to recover from. However, I do believe that a good marriage is about COMPROMISE, and that your sexual needs are important, too. E.g., if one person wants sex every day, and the other wants sex once a week, it would be nice to have sex every other day. I do think it would a good idea for the two of you to see a therapist, it may help fix some underlying issues so that your wife "wants" you the way she used to!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (17 June 2015):
 You answered your own question. "She always tried to give more of herself to her former partners (emotionally and physically) in the hopes that it would stop their ways, but it never did."
Which means that this was something that she did not by choice but by compulsion. Whereas with you, she's in a family life and has a loving husband who cares for her without harassing her emotionally, mentally and physically for sex. She knows that she has the option of saying no to you, not because she doesn't love you but because she knows that you will understand that a woman isn't always up for it. Its also understandable she was very sexually active with you but its slowed down over time. As time wears on, life gets in the way. The initial excitement and the honeymoon phase wears off and if she's close to your age, then she wont be in the peak of her sexual prime either.
OP if you want the passion between you to return then you just have to sit her down and talk to her about your concerns. Maybe take a vacation without the kids. But keep in mind that what you're hoping for might never come back. Sex wears off sooner or later, the intimacy stays. Which to you is more important?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 June 2015):
 Think of it this way: she was in prison with her abusive partner snd she was forced to do things she didn't really want to do. Now that she's free, she can pick and choose her sexual interests.
Why would you want her to revisit abusive sex acts?
I'd encourage you both to go to counseling and perhaps work toward finding a specialist in sexual abuse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): Reasonable and feasible explanation number #1..."She either states she's tired because of work, or stressed out because of the kids, or states other reasons (we like to be loud, but really can't be with the kids home obviously)."
Explanation that goes without saying #2..."We have a large family (6 kids - 3 each from our previous marriages) and life can be hectic."
If you're not a stay at home father; I wonder who does the bulk of the child-nurturing? Fussing with homework, sickly kids, keeping track of birthdays, making it to games or recitals, appointments to the dentist or pediatrician, keeping track of where everybody is day and night, listening to whining and complaining, inter-fighting amongst the brood, scheduling meals, rides, clothing and shoes shopping, responding to issues at school, keeping up with parental-participation demands from their schools, etc., etc., etc.?!!!
What part of any this don't you understand? If you were as involved as you claim, you would!
As for what she did in the past? There weren't six divided by 2-batches of kids, an abusive-marriage, divorce; and who knows how many years in misery trying to recover in-between? How do you expect her to feel, and do the same thing she did when she was years younger; and in another segment of her life? An abusive and unhappy time in her life, may I remind you!
People change. How she relates to you, is different from how she related to people she used to be with. Under stress and duress, she did things out of desperation...did you miss that too? She had to recover and heal herself; for the sake of her children, and now yours!!! She'd do everything and anything it takes to make you happy, but sometimes you can't perform on-demand! Sometimes only a few days suck so bad; that it takes weeks to get over them, and get your groove back. Been there and done that!
My dear sir, you are a very dismissive person. You didn't listen to a damned thing your wife said to you. Then there is the major contradiction you've made that you have a happy marriage. Not if you don't listen to what your spouse is telling you. All goes well, then things taper-off. There are highs and lows, peaks and valleys. You're not new to the game! The honeymoon-period tends to come to an end, my good friend! If that isn't normal in the majority of relationships, I don't know what is.
This seems to be a popular site for men to vent their sexual-frustrations about "retro-active jealousy." Never mind the fact the things they're complaining about were ages ago with other people. I would think you would be considerate and supportive; and want to help her to forget those times.
I don't know anyone living over a decade without a past.
Most of which will be forgotten, savoring a few precious memories; and carrying a few scars that never really heal.
She was making a comparison to how terrible things were then; as compared to now. Now you want to drudge-up that part of her sexual-past that are buried and painful memories. She was bearing her soul to you...her partner, her lover, her man!!! That's pillow-talk between spouses. It's stuff you get off your chest. It's not to be thrown back in your face later!!!
Again, remember the part where she explained she did them because she was desperate to hang-on to her relationships? That might mean she wasn't happy doing them then; and she would not be now!!!
Why is it that I get it, and you don't?!!!
I bet you my BMW to a coin in your pocket; you can't sexually perform with as much intensity as you did in your twenties or early-thirties. I mean until she reaches her orgasm too! Not the few minutes it takes you to get-off! You might claim you can go the whole nine-yards; but it would be purely anecdotal, with no historical documentation or videos to back it up. You may not even care to do some of the things you did back then, or can't. If you're forced do things you don't like to do sexually, it isn't pleasurable. It's a chore, a trauma, or an exploitative situation. DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? It brings back bad-memories, and will lower her sexual-desire. How can you sexually-perform while scenes from a traumatic experience are playing like a movie in your mind?
You don't chase around a bunch a kids the better part of your day; and have to hold down a full-time job to boot! You've had wives to pick-up the slack! If you did, you'd be as dog-tired at the end of the day as she is.
How about saving-up a wad of money and your vacation-time, dumping the kids on their grandparents; and taking your woman on a romantic-vacation, to bring back the romantic-mood and give her some well-needed rest? She's got to put-up with YOU, and six kids?!! Poor woman! I wish she could read my words. You'll delete them for sure; if you read them at all! She'd print them out, and tape them to your head-board.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): How about the perspective of a single woman who is currently having an affair with a married man that I have amazing sex with in order to keep him? Previous to this, I also was in a "happy" marriage for 18 years, where the sex dropped off in time. Yeah, it was amazing in the beginning but as in most marriages, life gets in the way and the spark slowly burns out.Let me tell you the difference between a husband and a boyfriend.I had a good husband. He was loyal, dedicated to me and made the earth move for me. He was a GOOD GUY. Husband material. But the fact he did everything for me and was always too available to meet my every whim made him into a doormat of sorts. I got used to him. Became comfortable. And eventually he became like my brother. He took care of me. But he was not fire in the bedroom. He became boring. Mr. Nice Guy. You know what? Yeah, most women want a nice guy to marry but the problem with that is that eventually they get bored and want a bad boy in the bedroom. A good guy who takes care of them, is respectable, a life partner, somehow just loses his appeal. It is funny because women marry a guy cause he is good but then try to change him into a bad boy. And if they hook up with a bad boy they try to change him into a good boy! Seriously! That is the truth! Can you be a bit of both? Especially the bad boy?The sex is amazing when it is forbidden. When it is wrong. It is just naughty but so nice. The bad boy takes care of our sexual desires. The good boy takes care of everything else. So if she is like me, she got off on the drama. On the whole fantasy of it all. Sexual pleasure and desire is heightened by fantasy. Not real life. You are her real life you see. Not a fantasy. She does not have to work for you. She already has you. Right where she wants you. You do not make her work for it. Perhaps you need to be aloof and distance yourself a bit, pull back but not too much. Just enough that she might have to chase YOU. Works all the time. When men pull away, women chase them. If men are too forward or all over a woman, women run away. Strange psychology but it works. Works for PLAYERS. Very well!I know it sounds bold but it is true.You might need to put on your bad boy pants tonight. Seduce her. Just take her. Just do it.Women like a man who can take charge.Stop talking to us and go and have a good time with her!It may just kick start that passion again!Once you stop you get into a rut and get used to not having sex. WHY STOP? Initiate and get into the routine of having sex again. That is what increases the desire... DOING IT! OVER AND OVER!You have already talked to her. She knows how you feel. You know where she stands. But talk gets you nowhere. It changes nothing. You will talk in circles!Time to take charge Mister. Seduce her tonight!Keep us posted!
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (16 June 2015):
 Two things stand out to me about the situation you describe.
1) She was married to one (or both) of these losers from the past. She had children with at least one of them. I don't think you should look at it as either of them being better or more worthy in any way than you are. Since it sounds like both were horrible people to be around (cheating and verbal abuse obviously make for miserable relationships), you can pretty much assume that anything she did or did not do with these guys was done for the sake of her children. She likely didn't know you then, and she couldn't possibly know that one day she would have a life with you - that there was any kind of future in taking her kids and getting the hell away from the abusers. I bet she tried like hell to keep her marriage(s?) intact so she wouldn't find herself a single mom raising three young kids with no father figure in their lives, and sex was part of that desperate attempt. And I bet if she could go back and do it all over again she'd take the high road and not lift a finger for those jerks, sexually or otherwise. She understands now that she's met you that life can be much, much better than what she once put up with.
2) While it may not be currently getting you the sex you want, take it as a huge COMPLIMENT that your wife loves and trusts you not to cheat on or leave her instantly over a lull in your sex life. Clearly she never placed this kind of trust in either of her exes, and you have something with her that they never could and never will. Do not let this issue become about jealousy of things you perceive the exes as having that you don't have.
As far as a solution goes, I'm wondering how long you've been married. It is natural in any relationship for some of the spark to wear off over time, more so if life is stressful or hectic like you describe.
It sounds like you both do quite a bit around the house. Would you say, honestly, that the household workload INCLUDING parenting/child-minding is split evenly between the both of you? If, despite your best efforts to help, your wife is still doing more of the work in this regard then it may be legitimate cumulative fatigue on her part that has dampened her sex drive. Six kids is a lot! Can you two afford to hire a sitter one night a week for a "date night," or perhaps leave the children with a relative so the both of you can enjoy some alone time somewhere romantic?
If responsibilities are split right down the middle (or you're doing the lion's share) and your wife is still too worn out to be interested in sex, consider suggesting to her that she see her doctor for a checkup. There are various imbalances (hormones, nutrients, etc) that can result in feeling tired all the time and it's quite possible that her body chemistry is off. She may be assuming that work and stress are CAUSING the tiredness when in reality there's something else going on too.
The only other thing I can think of is that after three kids of her own and with the daily stress of raising six she may not feel as attractive as she once did. Maybe she doesn't have time to go to the gym or fix her hair the way she used to, and she looks in the mirror and feels ugly and the last thing she wants to do is take her clothes off and be intimate. Make sure she KNOWS that you find her attractive and desirable just the way she is, that sex for you is about wanting and desiring HER and not just an orgasm/release.
Above all, try to be patient with her. From the sound of things she walked a tough road in life to make it into your arms. Know that she is grateful and happy to be there.
I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 June 2015):
 I think she gave you the answer but it could be hard for you to accept. She had sex to keep her partners, to stop them from being abusive, basically to survive. That was a horrible reason to have sex. She was not a whole person to begin with. Her sexuality was not healthy so you can not expect much from her. Sex does not come from being a dedicated husband. I am afraid to say true desire only comes from childless parents who live a fantasy life of leisure, and vacations several times a year. It's also unrealistic to get married thinking you would get stable, regular sex. It's just that you are considered lucky if you get to have sex a few times a week. Most long time married couples with children and career have sex to make the other happy, not because they are in the mood. It is important not to compare her with her ex partners. She did not think she was rewarding them with bad behaviour but in fact it did.
As to why can't women just open their legs and receive you? Some women say that the experience can be so rough that it feels like being poked in the ear for the whole duration. You could imagine how horrible she felt with her ex lovers just to keep peace.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (16 June 2015):
Your wife is the type for whom emotional drama is the competitive spur to sexual performance. No marriage is as exciting as a love affair, and I have a lot of experience with both genres.
You two have achieved 'the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-longue' as Victorian actress Mrs Patrick (Beatrice) Campbell put it, and I fear ashes cannot be rekindled to a fiery blaze.
But talk to her and see if she'll meet you halfway out of friendship, providing more of what she used to do out of
lust.
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