A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a specific type in guys and I don't think this is wrong (geeky looking, glasses, skinny, short, well dressed, metrosexual ish). I tend to be very attracted to guys I see who look like that though they are quite rare where I live.However, whenever I do meet guys like that and get to know them better, they're either gay or shallower than I had hoped? I'm decent looking, in great shape etc. but all the well dressed/metrosexual straight guys I know (at least) are often quite vain and judgmental to the point that it's rude. Of course everyone judges others to some extent, but I mean stuff like judging people based on the labels they wear and being gossipy and so on. I want someone who is down to earth, not petty etc.I get attention from sporty/muscular guys who seem less into their looks and more into health, as well as just normal looking guys, but my physical "type" is more geeky and "pretty boy". Am I being too shallow here though? Should I pick boyfriends on personality instead and give up my "type"? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 June 2015):
Thanks for your follow-up, OP :)
The way I see it, a type is basically what would roll out of the factory if dating was a build-a-guy-workshop, where you just tick the boxes of your prefs and press enter. But you've also noticed that those prefs have shifted over the years. What you would have fallen for when you were younger is not what tickles your fancy now. So your prefs are probably a lot broader than you think. People surprise themselves all the time. So try some new flavors. And if a guy you date has a type seems to be the opposite of what you are, don't let it make you insecure: he probably already found out that having a type doesn't mean you should limit yourself to it.
Also, people change their looks throughout their life. 6 years ago I looked like the fairy of death. I was very thin (eating disorder) had very light (dyed) blonde hair and I have a sort of innocent looking face naturally and...a pitch black wardrobe. I never knew what colors went with what so I just bought black.
Now I'm fit instead of just really damn skinny, I have grown out my natural haircolour (which is light brown), my hair is up to my butt and I regularly wear colorful dresses and shirts and regular jeans (though yes, I also still wear dark leather jackets). Anyway, right now I probably sound like I look like a boho hipster (and on some days, I probably do) but what I'm trying to say is that 6 years ago I would have fallen into a completely different category, a different type, than I would now. I'm still me.
Same goes for guys. You can see it really well with some actors. Check how some famous actors looked and dressed like ten years ago and with quite a few of them the difference will be markedly different. For example Tom Hardy. Whether he's your type or not, he looked a lot different when he was younger than he does now. Now, he looks like he could beat you up without breaking a sweat, to the point where interviewers specifically asked him to talk about masculinity. To which he replied: "I'm about as masculine as an eggplant." Anyway, appearances tell a story, just not a complete one.
What I use as a rule of the thumb is that at the bare minimum, a guy should look "okay" to me. No use dating guys who already turn you off physically the moment you lay eyes on em. Especially in the beginning, because with such a narrow pref, bending over backwards to include everyone will just backfire. So basically broaden your horizon one step at a time and see if you get more compatible guys that way.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (19 June 2015):
 I have to agree with Chigirl on this one, right now being a "hipster" is cool. You look down the street, on the TV (adverts are full of them), and clothing shops are full of hipster-style clothes. It is bang on trend for this year. The fact that beards are so popular at the moment is a statement to this. The only reason these men are dressing like this is because they want to be popular and "cool". The irony is that they are trying to be individual but just end up looking like clones of one another.It is a very carefully crafted image. And that takes time, effort and a lot of self interest. Craft beer, vintage bikes and tobacco pipes. The man-bun. Seriously, who invented that? It is all a bit... fake. All done for image.These people are not "geeks" - believe me, real geeks would never dress like that! They are far too wrapped up in their work/hobbies to even consider fashion (experience of teaching at university has shown me that). From your question, there is no way on earth you would tolerate a relationship with a real geek. These hipsters are very fake in that respect, pseudo intellectuals, playing at being some highly academic cool type, with highbrow tastes. Next year, a new trend will be in fashion and the bush beards and dodgy glasses will go in favour of something else! They are dedicated followers of fashion, and that is why you see them as vain. Looks are everything. Go to London, Oxford, or anywhere with a high student population, they are less common in the countryside, although I see teenage versions every day in my village. You will be literally falling over them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone :) Sorry for replying late I was away.-maverick494: yep, I'm trying to be more open-minded. I guess it can't hurt to go out on a few dates with someone even if they're not "my type." I hope it's not unfair though as I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a guy to later find out he was more into blondes or whatever..-janniepeg: I guess one's personality does reflect in one's attitude yes. I've known some "jock" kinds of guys who had a decent attitude towards women though but they're physically not my type for some reason? I'm quite small so I'm not sure if I find them intimidating lol. -chigirl: Really? I'm not sure what hipsters are like in Norway but in the UK they're not the popular sort, though they definitely seem shallow. The popular people here tend to be the rich/sporty kids (from what I've seen :P)-Cindycares: Great answer, thank you for writing that all out :) Yep, I think my tastes are quite unusual lol. Oddly enough when I was a teenager I did like the standard model looking guys, but then I feel like now that I'm in my early 20s I'm subconsciously looking for a more reliable partner? Maybe I associate being too traditionally good looking with being less reliable as the guys I knew at university who were like that were quite shallow and objectifying.I'm actually quite sporty and conformist myself (though I do like to dress well sometimes) so I guess the guys I like are kind of my opposites. That poses difficulties sometimes even before I started liking them (a lot of the guys I used to know like that were quite pretentious/judgmental about things like musical or art tastes which just doesn't matter to me.)I haven't actually dated any guys like that. I've had them as acquaintances, liked them based on their physical appearance but whenever I get to know them better they never seem to "click" with me? I'm quite laid back about some things which they seem to care a lot about and vice versa (I care a lot about my career for instance.)Heh, true. Maybe I just need to meet more guys who look like that. I'm not ridiculously fussy about it but it is a preference I guess. :P
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2015):
 Let me begin with saying that you and I must have two very different definitions of " pretty boys ",lol... I can't say that I'd call a skinny short bespectacled guy
" pretty "... but hey do not mind me and do no take offense, OP :). There's no accounting for individual tastes .
I tend to agree with Janniepeg and I would stick with the hipsters. Never judge a book only by the cover, true, but also remember that the cover is integral part of the book. The way a person dresses, what they spend their money on, the objects they like and use, the places they patronize... all the " external " things are not so external after all, they are just the physical expression of a person's attitude,inclinations, mentality and preferences, and it's important that they are reasonably aligned with yours. While opposite often attract- on a biological, chemical, sexual level , - they seldom LAST together ( and that's supported by a lot of psychological research ).
After all, we are widely generalizing here, and we do not have the numbers to say that what happened to you was not just a coincidence.
How many rude and judgemental hipsters you have dated, OP ? 3,5,10 ?
Well, and have you tried also dating 3, 5, 10 "Stanley Kowalski" types ( for the youngest and the clueless, go Google Marlon Brando / Streetcar named Desire ) to see how many of them were rude and judgemental too ?
I don't think there's a moral flaw that's inherent to one specific category of males.
While it is surely naive assuming that just because a guy wears a suit and a tie he must be a morally upstanding gentleman - it's equally naive assuming that because someone is the no frills , salt of the earth , scruffy blue collar type, that makes him automatically better ,kinder,more sincere... One can wear a wifebeater and tracksuits bottoms AND also be a great son of a bitch.
So, might as well continue your search for a decent human being within the category which visually appeals to you more. After all, we like what we like, for a myriad of subconscious or barely conscious reasons which we have accrued since our earliest childhood , in our pre-dating years. Tryng to unravel this web of likes and dilsikes may be difficult- and only useful if we see that it always brings us to repeat the same WRONG choices.
I think the trick, of course, is not becoming obsessive and maniacal abaout our wants and needs. A bit of flexibility is always reasonable and appropriate. There's nothing wrong in preferring, say, blonde guys, but surely if you turn down a man just because he has not got JUST that shade of ash blonde locks that your Prince Charming should have, eh well, you are doing self sabotage. Or, if you prefer tall guys , and you meet someone who is cool , interesting, a barrel of laughs, but is 2 inches below your standard and you turn him down... ( And no, don't tell me that there aren't women who reason like that ; unluckily, there are !). In short : common sense is required foe everything, including the choice of a temporary, or for life, partner. But, other than that, ..just follow your personal preferences, you are entitled to them. And if they call you shallow for preferring something, or some type of person,... counter with what Oscar Wilde said :" Only superficial people do NOT judge by the appearance " :)
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 June 2015):
 Oh, you like the hipsters... They are the popular ones. Of course they are shallow, they only dress that way to follow a trend.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 June 2015):
 I think you like the metrosexual type because they are cerebral and more refined than the usual beer and sports kind of men. Even in metrosexual guys there are the petty kind so you just need to pick through them. Young people are trying to fit into a group, any group that they overdo it. I believe you can have that look and personality at the same time. I tend to feel that your personality comes through in your appearance so the two are not that separate. A good match comes unexpected so it's not like you could predict who you would end up with.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 June 2015):
I struggled with this a lot when I was younger. I'm basically a demisexual, which means I don't fall in love until I have formed a really strong bond with someone. Even then, the attraction has to be there or it never goes beyond friendship.
So I figured I'd start with attraction. Turns out I have a very specific type and the guys that fit it were hard to find. And when I did find them we were not compatible at all. So I had to learn to let go of that. Try to be adopt a more open attitude. When one of those guys that aren't your type ask you out, say yes for once. And see if there's something of interest there. You're in charge of yourself; if it's not working you can call it off later.
Right now I'm dating a guy who doesn't fit my type at all. He's smaller than I am (I'm into tall guys), he's got dark hair (for some reason I'm into light haired dudes) and his dress sense is basically skirting the edges of looking presentable enough with a dash of not-really-giving-a-crap at the same time.(I like guys with a solid fashion sense). But he's thoughtful in a way I don't encounter much, we share the same interests and he has a beautiful smile that reaches his eyes.
That counts for something. And I'm finding that I'm really attracted to him, while when I met him, he barely registered on my radar. You gotta give ppl a shot. They might surprise you. And if they don't, well, you can always call it off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@celtic_tiger - Not quite. "Looks" in our society tend to mean tall muscular handsome types if anything. Oddly enough, I do attract conventionally attractive guys but don't find them interesting. I do go for a particular type of guy but it's more "geeky" if anything and TBH not the kind of guy most girls would pick as their first choice.I agree that I'm being shallow to a certain extent, and I obviously wouldn't complain if a guy held similar standards (in fact, the guys I go for are like me in the sense of dressing OK and so on). It's just stuff like being judgmental and being vain (there's a difference between that and taking care of your appearance/being into fashion) to the point of being *rude* that I can't stand if you see what I mean, as I stated in the OP. I personally like to dress well (attractive in a guy) but I wouldn't criticise others for how they dressed unless it was really inappropriate (unattractive in a guy)
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 June 2015):
You are still very young, and this is reflected in how you are looking at the guys you fancy. For you it is all about your "type"....
Yes, you are being shallow. Physical attraction is important, BUT to have a successful relationship you need more than just looks. You need compatibility, and emotional attraction. Looks fade. Personality stays.
If you had a line up of guys. short, tall, fat, thin, pretty, sporty, geeky.... out of those guys, there could be nice, sweet, grumpy, arrogant, selfish, aggressive...
You assume looks = nice guy and average/sporty/ugly =boring/useless
Sadly, the guys you seem to want, are only concerned with their own looks, their own needs, and are pretty self absorbed. They are your type because they are VAIN. You like the look of vanity.
The guys you are rejecting might be thinking exactly the same thing about you.
You might be overlooking the nicest, most wonderful men, purely because they don't fit to your type.
Men are people, just like you. There are far more things to enjoy than just how they look.
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