A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married over 10 years. Before marriage had a very active sex life. As soon as we were married, it became less, and less and kept getting less until it was 3 years. I brought it up to him, then we went to counseling, then I brought it up again. I haven't cared for a long time myself, tired of asking. I called an old lover the other day, one I have not seen since before I started dating my husband. I have never cheated, though the opportunity has been there before. I think I might, I know it's wrong, but all I am risking is losing an unsupportive nice guy. I am interested in all opinions, and suggestions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): Why CHEAT...just have the balls to tell the truth and walk free...not that difficult really better than been a cheat.
spunky monkey
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Lack of intimacy and you've tried to rectify the situation in counseling together, he won't take his meds, then I'd say yes that's a good reason to divorce.
No sex would be a deal breaker for me as well. Like Cindy said you're roommates at most.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 An excellent reason. You are husband and wife only in name. In practice you are just friends, or roomies.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 September 2011):
OP, sorry I missed your follow up. Well it's not up to me to decide if that's a good reason to divorce. But if you're really considering cheating and you've tried to fix the issue, this relationship is doomed anyway. Especially since there has been no change for 3 years. Might as well abandon ship.
All that said, be wary of the "gras is greener on the other side" syndrome.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 September 2011):
Why not cheat? Because that would make you a lot worse than your unsupportive husband. Why not get a divorce and after that hook up with that old lover? Then you won't betray the person you pledged love and loyalty to, you'll be free as a bird to do whatever you wish.
The only reason I can come up with why you would cheat is because you can't part with the money and convenience your husband provides. And if that's the case you have sunk as low as you can go.
Make a decision and stick with it. But make sure you can still look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (4 September 2011):
I've got to agree with your other respondents - if you've tried counseling, and he won't take his medicine, and there's no physical intimacy then you've really got two options.
Option one is to lay it on the line for him, and ask him to allow you to get these needs satisfied elsewhere.
Option two is divorce.
Personally, I wouldn't recommend option one. It's bound to be fraught with emotional problems before logistics even get involved. However, if you're really at the end of your rope, and feel that other than this one issue, you don't want a divorce, it does have a slim chance of being a positive path.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 September 2011):
Lac of intimacy? Yes, it's a good enough reason. Being a good guy isn't always enough. There has to be more to a relationship that just that.
He's a good guy, and you get along. But that seems to be it. In my opinion, lack of sex at this stage, and given that you've tried to fix it, will be a good enough reason for you to move on. And if nothing else, it'll be better than cheating.
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male
reader, Dreamland  +, writes (4 September 2011):
The right thing to do in the situation is to end your marriage and move on. If you can only have an exciting and active sex life by resorting to being deceitful then it's obvious that you're doing something wrong. Your occasional sexual tryst here and there will eventually escalate into a full on affair, and you will get to a point where you become completely numb and detached from your actions due to the compounding effect of feeling guilty for deceiving your spouse year after year. Just ask my married lover....she feels like she's living someone else's life living on autopilot all these years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I will re phrase the question.
My husband is a pretty good guy, we enjoy doing lots of things together. There are very few arguements, and we even get along with each others families.
Since the honeymoon our biggest relationship issue has been sex. We had plenty of good sex before and talked aboout how much we would have after. Since it was an immediate issue I asked, and he said he did not think I would really want 2-3 times a week (it was every time together when dating). Then aggreed to once a week, still a problem, then once a month, not happy but could deal with it. Then not even that! He has been to the Dr.'s and was prescibed medication, then he just would not take it. Yes there has been couseling.
Now it has been three years!
Is this a good reason to divorce?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 September 2011):
If you can't stay committed, then why stay married? Makes no sense to cheat. It'll only make you look bad, and then everyone will point at you and blame you for the inevitable divorce anyway.
Doesn't really seem like there's anything left in the marriage to stay for anyway. Don't waste your life lying and being deceitful when you can just move on.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (4 September 2011):
"all I am risking is losing an unsupportive nice guy."No - that's not true at all.You're risking not only losing him, but destroying him. You're also risking incredible depth of despair, agony, and guilt yourself, after you realize the seismic nature of the agony you'll have put him through. Typically around a year after all the drama dies down, it'll hit you like a ton of bricks.Think about who this man is, to whom you are married. Try to remember why you married him in the first place. Now remember the sorts of things you used to do together, and the sorts of things you used to do for him. If you want your sex life back, you'll have to start doing the same sorts of things, both together as a couple, as well as for one another. If you start, he will catch on.In the meantime, if that's too much effort for you, and the marriage really is dead - then be upright about it and have a divorce! That way, you'll keep your self respect, you won't have the looming devestation that will come later (and it will!), and you won't rip apart the man you married.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 September 2011):
Why not simply divorcing, then.
It would have been more of a dilemma if you had written : I still love my husband with all my heart, but we don't have sex anymore, what shall I do ?.
But it sounds like you are not particularly worried about losing him, since all he is for you is just a nice guy - and unsupportive too.So, if the feeling is lukewarm at best, and the sex absent, does this marriage has a real reason to last ?...
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 September 2011):
The number one argument in a marriage is lack of intimacy. Then comes the affairs..
I know that sex declines after marriage, even more so after you have children. Where's the excitement in having sex with the same man for the rest of your life? You run out of positions, bought all the karma sutra and tantric sex books at Barnes and Noble, you've nearly put the sex shop out of business buying so much porn and couples toys, and that naughty maid costume isn't a sexy surprise anymore. Then it's down to," wham, bam, thank you ma'am". Lastly, you find yourself unintentionally practicing celibacy.
You try marriage counseling because no sex is an issue for you. For some it's a deal breaker. Marriage counselor can't tell you anything but it's very common in married couples. To try to spice it up and openly communicate. Yep, tried that doc.
But why go thru the trouble of cheating, sneaking around with your secret lover, waiting to be caught by your husband? Is it the thrill, and adrenaline rush?
Why not just cut the crap and ask for a divorce...split everything down the middle or get a lawyer so you can get what you want. Part ways, maybe as friends then have sex with whomever you please. That is without the worry of being caught for adultery and getting not a cent in the divorce he slapped you with.
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