A
male
age
51-59,
Anonymousmale1
writes:Every woman on the planet that has ever been involved with a man that was not worthy of her has asked of herself these questions..."Why can't I find a decent guy, Why do I always meet the wrong men and When will I find a man who really loves me?" There are other questions that are asked of ones self as well and they all equate to the same issue. You've once again selected a man who is unworthy of you and treats you like shit. Regardless of how much you love him or how many promises he makes, you know in your heart that he'll never ever change.What are your alternatives? You can get rid of him and find another man but past experiences have shown you that after several months you'll be right back in the same situation. You'll still be miserable, unhappy, unappreciated, unloved and insecure about his possible motives.In the end most women tend to adapt the attitude that all men are the same. They become bitter and cold hearted to love because as with everything else in our lives when we continue to lose we stop wanting to play.For many years I felt that women were simply attracted to men of little worth. I thought that a bad boy was what all women wanted. The type of guy that keeps you on edge and puts excitement in your life is what I assumed you all wanted.I thought women loved being with a man who was a smooth talker that kept you waiting and wondering if he really cared. I felt that you ladies enjoyed being taken advantage of and that you enjoyed all the drama that these men afforded you, by cheating, lying, stealing, disappearing for days on end and being worthless.After writing this blog for more than a year I have learned differently, thanks to all the women that took the time to write to me and to teach me. I've found out through readers like you that what women really want is to be loved. You want romance, security, passion, friendship and a partner that will stand by you through everything that life throws your way.You know what? It's everything you deserve and every woman should have and can have if she can only recognize why she ends up with less than a stellar mate. Do you know why you are attracted to men that are unworthy of you?You are attracted to them because you failed to keep a promise that you made to yourself as a child. There, I said it! You broke your own promise to yourself and now you suffer for it with every bad relationship you enter. Every time you select a man based on the same criteria as the last you broke your own promise and broken promises are on the same level of broken hearts, they hurt. However, this time you're breaking your own heart, by not being true to yourself.Now, before I tell you what that promise you made was I really need to prepare you that what I am about to write will possibly hurt many of you and anger some. I am counting on it, anger and frustration are the means to make you see the truth and if it's directed at me but helps you I welcome it.The Promise:As small children we are influenced by everything that enter our lives, this includes parents, the boyfriends of parents, girlfriends of parents and their ideas of love and relationships.This is how we learn as children, by observing the good and the bad. If your mother had a bad relationship with your father because he wasn't a worthy man you observed it and learned from it.If your father wasn't around and your mother had boyfriends or you had a step father, their relationship influenced you and still influences your relationships to this very day.If their relationship wasn't a positive one you learned from it. You also picked up your habit of selecting wrong men at this time. Any man who was not a good man in your adolescent life left an impression on you that you carry to this day.It is said that women tend to seek out the qualities of their fathers (or men performing the father role) in the men they date or possibly marry. If these qualities weren't good, then you are seeking someone today that you do not want or really need in your life.If that man was uncaring, unloving, untrustworthy, abusive, selfish, worthless, mean spirited, a cheater, lazy, shiftless, or worse these are the traits you could be looking for in the men you select today. Why? Because you are familiar with this type of behavior and you accept it as normal. It became normal to you because you had nothing to compare it with when you were in the most influential stages of your life.To make matters worse, if your mother accepted these bad qualities as well, it possibly made you feel that this is the way all love is and although it is not it's all you knew.I often wondered why some women shy away from good men, and I always suspected it was because they never trusted true love. When a woman finally meets a man of great character, she spends most of the relationship anticipating when things are going to go bad. When things don't, she unconsciously begins to sabotage the relationship because for it to be this good it didn't feel normal or natural to her. This is basically because she'd never been exposed to how real men treat women in her earlier life, therefore making this type of good behavior seem more like a ruse to get her to let her guard down. By accepting this good relationship experience for what it really is could be more heartbreaking in the end if she doesn't prepare herself for the problems she anticipates will surely come. In her mind, these issues such as jealousy, arguing, cheating, lying and abuse are a real part of the relationship process. The absence of them signal that the man is pretending, and eventually they will show up because to her all men are the same. When the drama fails to arrive, she begins to create drama herself in an attempt to make him show that she was right all along.The promise as I stated above was this: As a young girl, you promised yourself that the man you chose would be nothing like the one you observed growing up. Have you kept your promise?If you had then you probably wouldn't have suffered heartbreak, verbal abuse, being cheated on, being lied to and maybe even being physically abused.Can you change this cycle of selecting unworthy men? Absolutely! However, the first step is to forgive yourself for breaking your own promise. Then you may want to look back to the types of men that you were exposed to in your youth and then try to remember what it was that you disliked about them to begin with.Once you have determined what faults they possessed that you hated to begin with, take a look at your former boyfriends and your current one and see what they all have in common. If they possess the same traits you'll know you were right as a child. The only thing to do after that point is to keep your own promise and steer clear of these types of men, looking rather for men of higher character and standards.It will not be easy I am sure, however the first step is to be honest with yourself and look deep inside of you. If you cannot be honest with yourself, you cannot be honest with anyone. So ask yourself, is this situation a possibility?As for me, what I wrote may have some merit. I am not a psychologist, I am simply a realist. Some of you may read this post and say I am wrong, it's OK. However, you will also have to entertain the thought that I may just be on to something. If this is not a possibility, then the idea that boys whom grow up witnessing physical abuse in their homes tend to become abusers themselves can not be a possibility as well. However, we all know that this is accepted as fact.I see no other reason that beautiful, caring, intelligent women continue to attract unworthy men. Women are much too smart to be doing this out of need, for as women you can have any man of your choosing especially decent, god fearing men. How else are we to explain the cycle of women whom constantly date unworthy men? The response of, "All the good men are either married or gay" is simply unacceptable. Now, remember the guy that you observed as a child? The one who made your mother cry, verbally abused her or worse? He's the same guy that you may have allowed into your life on more than one occasion. You are an adult now, you make your own choices. Shut him out of your life for good. Allow only men of great character to have an opportunity to be your partner in the future. dispel all the beliefs that a nice, gentle, caring, passionate man is myth. They are not, they really exist and when you meet one, let the relationship take it's course. It may feel unnatural at first but if you give it time you'll grow to understand that what you were used to having was really unnatural and this time it's the way it was meant to be. Before I go let me remind you of something. "The girl is the Mother of the Woman." You are now a woman, take the advice you gave yourself as a young girl. Never date a man who does the things you disliked then, just as you dislike them now. If he reminds you of your childhood, avoid him and seek out a man of better character. I hope this helps, I really welcome any feedback on this issue. Please let me know if you feel this could actually help you or even if you feel it's B.S. I really want to hear what all of you have to say.
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insecure, jealous, shy, unloved Reply to this Article
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Another Recommended Article.
There are no finer distillations on Players than those distilled by the Magnificent Uncle AnonymousMale1
Thank you.
Abella
A
female
reader, just a female  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 a really good article! there is just one thing i have to say and that is i have had very bad relationships in the past and well somehow now i have found a perfect one.
ok well my dad was a very loving perfect dad, so no problems there, but i did have an unfortunate thin wih my cousin..he took advantage of me when i was 7. would that have the same affect on em as a father? i had a hard time trusting by bf like i do now and like you said i always found i was looking for something to go wrong.
i thought i could trust my cousin and i couldnt would it havr the same affect?
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reader, Zahir_is_burning  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 Every man has bad and good sides of personality but I am afraid to say that women just don’t understand men despite the fast the spend years together. All men need a loving partner and who has the ability to bring the best out of them even when they are raging on because of some issues. Women are nothing but a constant tension for men on this earth.
You just cant please them and their mood swings are just too much to bear at times. My advise to every body over here would be to avoid being any kind of relationships just go for arrange marriage done by ur parents and begin the journey of true love once get married.
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reader, Edi  +, writes (1 October 2009):
I am not saying you are wrong. In fact, you made so much sense I felt compelled to respond...What would you say, then, to someone who has always been drawn to guys who are totally UN-like her father? I'm not saying I don't have Daddy Issues...I do. But my father was a cold, remote, demanding person (Air Force Major) who was impossible to please. And the guys I've always been attracted to - for the record, I don't CHOOSE whom I like :: either there is Chemistry, or there isn't - are completely different. They've all been passionate, affectionate, and adored me. And completely unlike my father, in that my dad is successful, disciplined, wealthy...whatever.But tho I've tried my best, I haven't been able to find my Man. That person you put up with - and who puts up with YOU - for the REST of it. lol And you love them for it:)...and that's all that I've ever wanted.Does your theory still hold true? Am I missing something? I'm not being silly. I read your piece, and I was moved. I'm hoping you might have some Insight.Edi
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Dear anon, this is an excellent thought provoking article. I have seen this also, but could never have expressed it so well. You have a gift. I have no doubt it will help someone.
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female
reader, unorthodox.philosopher  +, writes (20 September 2009):
Well first of all, I regret that I'm not qualified enough to provide a response with more reliable knowledge in the psychology field. However, I've read that the relationship between parent and child has shown to be a low correlation factor to adult relationships. The correlation has demonstrated to be overrated in empirical work. Although a person's self-esteem is highly related to childhood experiences. In other words, if a person has tendency to choose the "unworthy" type of partners over a long period of time,then this pattern is to do with the person's self-esteem. Those people tend to subconsciously think that they are "unworthy" for good partners, so that even if they found one who treats them with care and love, most of them found it overwhelming and inadequate. That's one aspect for a chronic history in regards.
Although, people who fancies "mean" partners are not restricted to women according to my observation. Have you ever thought about why men loves sports so much? They like the idea of competition. I recommend you to read some more information about the Distancer-Pursuer relationship pattern. I hope that answers your question, don't forget to tell me what you think.
All the best
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (20 September 2009):
 From the reverse perspective, I have been in relationships where the three women I dated went from me to a guy that turned out to be low-grade to no-grade trash.
I used to think I was cursed! I'd love them, care for them, treat them with respect and so on. Everything a man could do to be caring and loving.
Then each time, I ended up shot in the heart! These girlfriends would each give me the breakup line: I was a nice guy but ....
Then years after high school and college, as each of them filed back into my life through their own web searches and class reunions, they all complained about how horrible their marriages turned out. Some had several marriages, each one with a partner who ignored them, took them for granted, or abused them emotionally, physically or through affairs.
The point that I'm getting at is that each of these women that I had wanted to marry in my youth, married someone who was basically some kind of trash. One guy dropped out of college and became a professional criminal. Another guy was a drunk, gambler and womanizer. And yet another one mistreated his children and his wife.
So for those three I have to say karma got them. Its ironic because in each of these three serious relationships, the parents were upper middle class to wealthy, and were all very well-respected professionals in the community. No hints of substance abuse, cheating, gambling or philandery.
In that respect I think some women are just put off by a guy who's good, responsible and cares. Its just that simple.
Its a surprising phenomena. Yet these are the same ones that say they want a nice guy.
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female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (18 September 2009):
 Too right! Though, I think that The Brady Bunch also has lot to answer for in my case. Those smug, perfect shits skewed my vision of a happy family forever! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Perspective*
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Wow I think this is very true. From a younger persons perespective, I have not yet had to say those lines, but I have heard it many times from older and more experienced woman. Unfortunately the family I live with is dysfunctional, arguments, verbal abuse and just lack of love, really. I can see that my mum isn't very happy, and I recognise that the relationship between her and my half-brothers dad is an unhealthy one. I know this has affected me and my brother because that has had an enormous impact on their relationship with us. I don't and never have done got on with my brothers dad, at least for the most part. I wish they would at least try and sort out their problems or go their seperate ways because it would make every one under this roof a lot happier. You're very right, I have promised myself that I won't let myself be in this situation. In future, if I have kids, I won't just stay for them, because it actually does more harm than good, even though it is an unselfish act. Thank you for sharing this with us, it's a great article.
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reader, Illithid +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Oddly, I've seen a backwards form of this in my last relationship. I was engaged to my ex after three years together, and noticed that she was becoming more and more like her mother, and was pushing me to be more and more like her father. When we ultimately broke up, she dumped me in a manner similar to how her mother dumped her father (that the mother eventually went back to and married at a later date). As she and her dad were on better terms, she was kinder to me. As her dad and she grew distant, she grew distant from me.Not only did she want someone like her dad (and she mentioned early on in our relationship that my humor reminded her of his), but she was actively allowing her feelings for him and for me to overlap, and she was trying to make me MORE like him as time went on.
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reader, Anonymousmale1 +, writes (17 September 2009):
Anonymousmale1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Deliawood,
Thanks for the nice comment. Your children are very fortunate to have a caring, intelligent & honest mother whom was strong enough to make a break from a bad relationship for their sake as well as her own.
I can only hope that other women are capable of seeing the damage their children can and will endure by observing a disfunctional relationship in the most influential stages of their lives.
Hopefully many more will muster the courage that it took you to remove your children and yourself from this type of relationship.
Thanks for sharing your story with me and I wish you much success in the future.
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female
reader, juliaash123 +, writes (17 September 2009):
wow wow wow this is a very good article and it is so true! it really is.. you promise yourself something but the second you do it you contradict yourself because you break it in the next minute or so but not consciously
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): I failed to say that in time I realized how much my husband was like my father.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Dear Anon,
As a former English teacher, I have to say that you a great writer.
I totally agree, and studies have been done in this area. You did a good job of summarizing points and informing people who might not know.
There are a couple of things I would like to add:
1. Most people are not aware consciously that they seek out someone like a mother, for example. They don't start putting the pieces of the puzzle together until later in the relationship. They choose these individuals because that's what they learned and felt comfortable with.
2. When I divorced my husband of 35 years, I kept telling myself that I was hurting the children. At the same time, I felt that I was setting a good example for my daughter (and sons indirectly) of what NOT to tolerate. When it comes to my daughter, she doesn't put up with any nonsense in her relationships.
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