A
female
age
26-29,
*olly9945
writes:Hi, I was thinking today, why is it so bad someone my age has sex? I assure you I haven't but I was talking to my mom and she said as long as you are responsible(using multiple forms of birth control) and had sex with someone you trusted and knew you were ready to have sex then its okay. I'm not saying I want to, but really if you love and trust your partner and are responsible then it shouldn't be considered bad. Plus my mom said sex is a part of life, there's nothing bad about consensual sex, it's what we do as a race to survive and express intamacy and love. It's what any animal does, so why make it look wrong, and incourage our kids to believe it is a wrong or sin when it really isn't? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Yea. It does have to do with morals and stuff. Anyways, animals go by instinct and humans don't. Some species of animals need to reproduce because that's how they are "wired". Humans aren't that way. Also, some poeple who try sex out get addicted and they thought they wouldn't. You can't have the mindset that nothing bad will happen. Truth is, anything can happen. Condoms will rip, contraceptives will fail, and you can get addicted. Sex is like a tobacco. One dose and you can be hooked for good. The age-thing, well, it could be catastrophic if you wake up your sexuality at such a young age. It's about maturity. True, but you can never know you are ready for sex until your totally in love and your positive you're not infatuated. Love isn't just a fuzzy feeling. If you love someone, you would die in their place any second of any day. You would go through the most excruciating things for them. You would help them when no one else would. I may seem like I'm going overboard but I think this is how you know. Sex has turned to something that can be really x-rated and you wouldn't give some small girl and x-rated film would you? Let me tell you a story: I started masterbating long before I knew how to have sex. Then, I looked at porn and sex vids and I've had cyber-sex 10 times. I thought I was mature, but now I've screwed some stuff in my life. Everyday bad thoughts pop into my mind. Even some thoughts about my best friend in the whole universe and he's the most innocent man that I've meet. He means everything to me. He like my father/brother/best friend ever. I recently had an out break with my lust and now he feels so far away and I barely talk to him now (you know, a real long conversaiton not a quick hello/goodbye/help) because its kinda awkward (he knows to). I'm trying to get back to him, but it's kinda hard. I promise I' won't do it and then I do. And he keeps listening to my false promises. Listen to me, its best you wait till marriage. That's my opinion. So far it feels like its the undeniable truth for me. Btw: listen to the people who want you to wait. Maybe they know the censeqenses and care enough to warn you about it (look at me! I haven't had real sex and it cost me to just "dabble" in sex.) Don't see them as unreasonable. They are trying to help. If you look at all the possiblites you could see it. I've heard sex isn't that great anyways and when I had cybersex a few minutes into it my heart stoped racing and not one of them stayed for more than a few hours. Some people have sex to acheive some "high" feeling, but it's over soon (I guess that's why people have one-night stands). Keep in my if you are in love and you have a sexual desire for your partner, please don't yeild to these feelings. Btw: I'm 13 like you.
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reader, A Doctor +, writes (1 December 2010):
The total lack of even BASIC values in the text of most of these posts is saddening. You mother clearly has tossed even rudimentary morals aside by reducing a beautiful sharing between two people in the right (A MARRIED) setting to a biological act. ***Beware that most of these posters are simply rationalizing their own past or current behaviors. Someday, you will meet someone with character and conviction, they will not be as lax in their judgment of you inability to postpone these acts.
A sign of a mature personality is the ability to delay gratification, the problem with most of these "advisors" is that they DO NOT have your interests at heart. Sex IS a sin before marriage. That is a consistent thread through all the world's great faiths.
Molly remember one thing from these posts, valid psychological research validates a very old axiom: that the standards a young man sets for a girlfriend are consistently lower that he sets for an eventual wife...you do not need to descend to the level of bestial behavior for anyone. Here are some more facts (which most of these individuals chose to ignore). The second lowest divorce rate in western cultures is in couples that worship together. The LOWEST is found in couples in which BOTH partners are virgins upon marriage.
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reader, Molly9945 +, writes (1 December 2010):
Molly9945 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry about my earlier post, I wasn't trying to attack you, I understand your wisdom, but I don't think being twenty, or thirty, or 100 can make a person under stand sometimes. Not everyone can understand, and some are fortunate to understand early on. It is rare, but it's not impossible, like with my grandparents. But really I don't think it's fair to say all people under 18 can't understand love, yes most, but not all. That is my opinion though, and I know better then to try and change yours.
And there are more virgin 15 year olds like myself. Most kids lie about having sex, and only a few really have. Actually today at school even someone I know (I guess if you were to class her as most teenagers do, people tend to call her a slut or a prep) said she may be pregnant. She's only my age, only been dating her "Fiance" for less then a month, and I know she doesn't understand love. You can't love someone that quickly, it's simply absurd, and her choice in sex IS irresponsible. These are the teenagers most adults hold all of us to be like, and it's unfair. So please don't think all 13-18 year olds in a relationship are having sex because they all think sex is love. Yes some, but really not very many, well depending on were you live too, but you understand, right? Anyways I'm rambling and giving a jumbled answer haha, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say :)
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 December 2010):
 If it is more power to you. Like I said not trying to knock you down or argue with you, but you will get what I mean when you're in your 20s. I don't expect you to understand me. But you are mature for your age..and it's nice to hear of a 13-15 not being sexually active.
P.s. What your grandparents have is rare.
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reader, Molly9945 +, writes (30 November 2010):
Molly9945 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Tennisstart88- No, I will have to disagree with you on that. I know I'm in love, I know what infatuation is, and I know this isn't it. I've been infatuated with people, and this is different. This is caring, trust, interests, differences, and a life we are currently sharing. I know I can feel love for a significant other at my age, it is not that everyone has or can, but I do know this is love. Albeit maybe not forever lasting, but currently it feels this way. And please don't say it will end, it is fake, it won't work out and we'll never make it. Sure we might not, but that doesn't mean we will not. I know this from experience, my grandpa asked my grandma out when they were in first grade, just innocent little kid love, but as they grew they stayed together and LOVED each other, real intimate love, and are together and happy 60 years later. I'm not saying their relationship is flawless, but no relationship is.
Sorry, I get defensive when people say kids or teenagers can't feel true love. I know some can't or haven't, but that doesn't mean all. And same goes for adults, because my mom has never truly loved someone, cause once someone got bored she would hop right on to the next guy.
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 November 2010):
There's a big difference between being in love with someone versus infatuation. At your age and limited dating experience, it's when you get a taste of the real world and the bigger dating pool is when you get an understanding of real love. Right now, it's what I call infatuation where you claim to be in love with this guy when you have very little experience with dating and men. Not trying to knock you down, but when you get older and more experience under your belt then you'll understand what I'm talking about.
You're right there are different ways to love someone, the love for your friends and family isn't the same love you feel for your boyfriend. That is a deeper, passionate, more intimate love you share with your significant other. It doesn't have to be expressed through sex, it can be expressed by other affectionate actions. Again you are right it's maturity over age, but at the end of the day the law is the law, and age does matter.
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reader, Molly9945 +, writes (30 November 2010):
Molly9945 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA couple notes- First, sorry it took me a while to reply I didn't have internet connection and this is a long reply. Second, not many people agreed with my mom purely because of law. I know of the law, I wasn't planning on breaking it, I disagree with it, but I guess I should of mentioned I wanted reasons why it was bad besides law, so that is my fault. And lastly, sorry if my answers to your replies stray a little off topic from what you said. I skimmed over all your answers mostly, but I appreciate your guys' concern and am thankful for all your guys' wisdom and advice.
Any just as a note to everyone, I am NOT planning on having sex. I feel I AM ready but I choose not to because I know of the consequences and unlike some posters my age I do not want a baby.
@Tennisstar88- You're right, a lot of teenagers do associate sex with love. I do not, if I did then I would be doing all my friends, and that's just plain gross. I do disagree that teenagers do not know what love is, I love my friends, my family, and my boyfriend. I know they are all different types of love, but I still express my love similarly through hugs, kisses, talking, and hanging out and having fun. Love to me is not sex. Sex is something you do when you love someone and trust them enough with your body, and they trust you enough. Right now I may be ready, I may be legal in a few months, but I know my boyfriend may not be ready because when he was young he was raped, and daily we talk about what we feel about our relationship, sex, and the future, so I think even though I am young I have a good understanding of love and trust with my boyfriend.
@janniepeg- I talked to my boyfriend about birth control. He said he heard it wasn't as pleasurable but he said that he could care less. Sex to him isn't about pleasure, it's trust. By now everyone must be thinking of saying all a boy is out for is sex, but that's not true with all boys, and surely not mine.
I also understand the stress on my hormones that sex would cause, the risk of STDs(which I don't think you can get from other virgins unless their parents had an STD when they were born, right? I can't remember haha) and of course pregnancy.
@Hawkeye- Thank you for your more positive answer towards my question. I think as long as you are educated, understand the consequences, and are ready and with someone you won't regret loosing your virginity to then it is okay. I know I've mentioned him a lot, I probably will more, but I decided that if I loose my virginity to my current boyfriend by consensual sex then even if we do someday break up I won't regret it because it will be my choice with someone I trust, which is some peoples problems I think. They have sex with just anyone just to do it, that's wrong I think, but otherwise I think sex is a good natural thing.
@Cerberus_Raphael- Wow, 11-12?! That's crazy! I do know people who think sex is cool and they should do it just to do it. Same with my druggie friends, or my friends that drink/party, but I need a reason to do things. I was raised in a house of druggies so I steer clear of them, I've witnessed how bad they are. I know sex can be made a bad thing if done for the wrong reasons. But I know what I want, a relationship, even if it doesn't last my life, but I don't want a meaningless hook up. My boyfriend is a boy, and there are times he does want sex, and I want sex, I won't lie. We are teenagers with hormones, but I think we have better control then most teenagers, and we both want more than sex.
@pinktopaz- I agree that some adults are not responsible. I have read questions on her by 50 year old that makes me think "Come on! That's ridiculous, I'm 15 and I know that's wrong!" but likewise there are just as many if not more younger people who ask just as ridiculous questions. But I agree that every age group has someone with maturity issues with sex. So even if more teens can't handle sex more than most adults, adults also can't always handle sex, so that is why I don't think sex should be an age thing, but a maturity thing.
@BoyBlue- I do read the stories, they sicken and sadden me, and some are, like stated earlier, even posted by people as old as 50. Gosh when I read stories of kids wanting to have a baby I think "Wow, is that kid stupid, they are not ready for a kid" Yes, of course I even have a maternal side and fantasize about a family in the future, but a baby now would ruin all my dreams of culinary school! :(
@soon567- Thank you for calling me responsible, I get that a lot, but it always touches me. Your opinion on my mothers answer is also reasonable, and I am aware of cervical cancer, birth control, STDs and my Mr. Right. I believe I am with him, but many state that they loved someone they thought they would marry but then they broke up, so I understand that could happen. Anyways I talked to my Boyfriend about birth control, and he agrees it is number one important! Both of us are virgins, we are not worried about STDs from each other, but we talked about them and the possibility if one of our moms had an STD. We know nothing can prevent the passing of STDs completely, but since we agreed on birth control, which includes condoms, we know that is the best prevention. As for thinking it's wrong, my religion has nothing against it, just my whole communities general religion because I live in a Christian/Mormon community and I'm Pagan.
@Anon Female- I understand the consequences coming from my peers. I trust my boyfriend not to tell anyone if we were to engage in the act. I won't tell anyone either if we do. I don't understand the emotions because I'm a virgin, and I won't understand the emotions till I am no longer a virgin. I have always read that "you can't understand the emotions of loosing your virginity" when people reply to young girls or boys. This is true because you'll never understand till you loose it. It's an experience that is different for everyone. My sister lost hers and cried for hours. My mom lost her and she said it was a fun experience because she trusted the boy she was with and loved him. I think it just depends from person to person.
@Odds- Ugh, if I got pregnant I would be so angry! I do have a future planned, and babies don't come in the picture for a long time. But I decided if I were to get pregnant early on my baby would be put up for adoption. It would be hard, but I know it would be better for my baby and myself. Having sex does have consequences, but if they happen I'm not gonna be selfish and keep the baby. I know better. But like I said, I am not ready and will do everything in my power to stop a baby from happening, which means abstinence now and multiple forms of birth control later. As for STDs I've already mentioned what I think of them in my current relationship.
@Anon- Ugh, getting my license is sucking right now, especially in the snow. It's definitely important, and so is getting a job, and school, and planning for college, and my relationship. Juggling life is hard, and I agree I don't want to complicate my relationship. That would make for juggling for me haha
@zombiefan- The laws are reasonable, but like I mentioned I think it's maturity over age in this case. No 13 year olds shouldn't be having sex, there is hardly ever a responsible 13 year old if any, but I see people my age you are very responsible, and though I don't know about relationships, are probably mature enough to have sex. I am sorry for your misfortune though, but sex is a decision, and I know you regret it, but you need to learn to forgive yourself. It was a mistake you made in the past, and luckily there were no harsh consequences like STDs and pregnancy, so be happy for that. For now just live your life, look toward the future and not on past regret.
@CindyCares- I understand your concern, and I'm feeling repetitive but I want to answer everyone individually, but I think if you are mature enough and can be responsible enough to make the right choices you should be fine. I understand your concern about the law and going to juvie/parents going to jail. That's why I'm waiting. But in my state girls can go and get abortions, they don't have to give names, age, or anything. Parents don't even have to be present. I would never do that myself, but it's the truth here. I will practice abstinence for my moms sake though.
Thank you EVERYONE! Thank you so soo much. I appreciate all your feedback. You are all intelligent and honest people who gave me great opinions. In reading these I've made decisions and am thankful for your answers. Sorry if any replies are jumbly, I wrote all my replies on a whim because I have limited computer time, so forgive me.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 November 2010):
 Talking about animals : I remember-vaguely so maybe the dates won't be perfectly accurate - something interesting that my vet told me.
The reproductive apparatus of a female cat is ready and complete when she is 6 months. But, - the cat won't go in heat right away, that happens a bit later and in some races even much later, up to 18 months later. Nature makes sure that the cat is not only physically apt to conceive but also that she is , in a way, "psychologically " mature and street smart enough to take care of her offspring.
Sex is an adult activity and entails adult responsibilities. Birth control is one, for instance, and for optimal result must be practiced constantly and accurately.
At 13 people in general cannot even be trusted with doing their homework in time or watching their diet- imagine with practicing perfect birth control.
Then, even the safest possible birth control method has a little tiny marge of failure, it's small but it's there-
if an "accident" happens to an adult she will know how to deal with it- and how to financially care for the baby if she decides to have it. If the same thing happens to a 13 or 15 years old, she will have either to get an abortion at such an early age which disquieting psychological consequences , or to have the baby and fob off the expenses of its upbringing to her parents or, even worse, to the taxpayers at large.
Another good reason to abstain from sex at your age is that it is against the law. You are not supposed to have sex until you are 16 or 18, according to places. With all due respect for your mom, she is telling you that it's ok to break the law for your convenience and I do not agree. If you don't like a law- campaign for changing it, write to your senator or something, but until the law is there you MUST respect it.
These are just two practical, social reasons- I skip all the emotional,psychological,relational implications of starting sexual activity too early, because really this would become not a post but a book.
For the moment, I think what I wrote is more than enough to help showing why underage sex is not such a good idea.
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reader, zombiefan +, writes (30 November 2010):
People consider it bad because at that age, you really haven't had enough experience in relationships to make a mature decision about sex. And older members of the opposite sex(mainly men, i know it's sexist) are almost always trying to take advantage of you. Parents are just trying to protect kids your age, and i agree with them.
I lost my virginity when i was 13, and i regretted it for a long time, i still do. I was taken advantage of. Yes, i knew what i was doing, and i thought i loved that person, but in the end, when we did have sex, he pressured me into it. He was alot older than me, it was illegal, and i did it mainly because i thought he'd move on to someone else if i didn't do it. It also created tons of relationship and emotional problems for me, i just thank god i didn't get pregnant or any STD
I don't think kids that age should be having sex, mainly because of my personal experience with it. It's been almost 8 years since it happened, and i still don't like myself for it. At that age, kids/teenagers are not emotionally ready for sex. Like many others have said, they created these laws for a reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): Its not wrong, but it complicates everything. It ads to the pressure in a relationship. Honestly I lost my virginity at 21. That was late...most are 18-19 where I am from. But I have had friends who have had sex earlier and though none of them got an std (very lucky) some got pregnant and the guy stays for a while but in their case they split. I know at your age I was just concerned about getting a drivers license and getting into college. Having the pressure of birth control and dealing with the gossip (because it will get around that you are sexually active) is a pressure I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. Girls and guys will gossip and you will be the topic. Just think about if you can deal with everyone's judgment of you.
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reader, Odds +, writes (30 November 2010):
 People your age have a harder time planning long-term. The risk of babies and STD's are more abstract until you've seen a few friends end up with them. Not to mention the emotional aspect of it.
Additionally, the earlier someone has sex for the first time, the more likely they are to have a higher lifetime total of partners. This can cause problems later on, especially for girls (whether that's fair or not has been ocvered on other threads). Until that lesson really sinks in, it's better to wait.
Lastly, for underage sex, any mistakes generally fall upon the parents. It's unfair to your mom to have to use her as a fallback if you end up pregnant, for example.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): You bring up a very good question and it's hard to see why sex at such a young age might not be a good thing until you are older and understand it more. Heck, I lost my "v-card" when I was 17 and I still wasn't mentally prepaired for everything that came with it. First, I don't think a lot of kids much younger than 16 have a firm grasp on who they are yet or even what true Love is (trust me, I thought I was IN LOVE with my bf when i was 15 and going to marry him someday. Now looking back, I can't believe I even dated a guy like that!) Also, there is a lot of emotions that come with having sex which i don't kno why any kid in middle school would want to add to their already raging hormones. Next, when ppl who are in school (even high school) start having sex, peers start talking: boys will be more likely to try to take advantage of you, while girls will judge you and call u bad names. Gosh, I keep writting and keep thinking of so many other reasons... I guess when it comes down to it, why rush things? Enjoy being a kid. Plus, the longer you wait, the more special/meaningful it will be to you and your partner (in most cases).
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reader, soon567 +, writes (30 November 2010):
You done well for yourself and went to your mother like you’re suppose too. Congrats on that it shows you’re responsible. Now her reply was nuts in my opinion and I just like to say this in hope you rethink your action.
Cervical cancer:
https://health.google.com/health/ref/Cervical+cancer
It’s not necessary that you will get this from having sex, but it linked to girls that start having sex around your age. It mainly caught or found during your pap smear. If you’re sexual active then you as a female need to be checked.
Birth controls:
None of the birth control method is full proofed. But at your age it’s a must because it’s a safety factor for you as well (strangers) as unwanted kids from your lover. Do you understand how your cycle works? That to will help you from becoming pregnant.
Sexual transmitted diseases:
Here is the government website on STD”s and you need to learn them when you start sleeping with people:
http://www.cdc.gov/STD/
We don’t need to say more, but think about this, if you sleep with one person then you have sleep with everyone he has slept with. Did you know HIV can live within a person for 10 and they never show signs? Bad thing about that is he still can affect others. I was stationed at Fort Hood Texas and they brief us on this (15) year old girl was sleeping around with men. She had HIV and wanted to pass it on to others people because she was infected.
Mr. Right
You can wait for Mr. Right or you can settle for Mr. Right Now that choice is yours. Let’s say you sleep around and on day you meet a guy you really care for and want to be with, yet when you tell him of yourself he needs a drink. A lot of guys would walk on a bed hopper. Every time I say this people get upset. So here goes…
If a guy ask you of your past and he can visual see an image of you on a street corner, your relationship is over. Every time you fight or argue the names would come, you know them whore, slut, ect.
Take a look around this sight and see female asking why is he been such a jerk about her past and why can’t he accept her. Guys look for images of their mother as potential life partner. They know their mother want be sleeping around with men she’s not married too. When you give into a guy, you get a mental strike against you.
“sin when it really isn't?”
Do you believe in the bible?
http://www.godrules.net/articles/mat5.htm
It’s a sin if you believe, but if you don’t then it’s not.
Legality
“Plus my mom said sex is a part of life, there's nothing bad about consensual sex,”
You cannot say yes to sex with anyone, you have to be at least 16 and most states that I know of:
http://www.avert.org/age-of-consent.htm
They can put you in juvie if they felt like it and for a girl, if you become pregnant you would be carrying the evidence. It would be kind of hard to hide it. If both of you are under the age than the judge can place you both in there. Most likely they want not enough room for all those kids.
If your mother knew you were having sex they can prosecute her as well, make her pay child support, and the judge (believe it or not) can have you supervised until you turn 21 not 18. With that I say happy humping.
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reader, Boy Blue +, writes (30 November 2010):
Technically speaking we aren't animals so no need to try imitating them. Indeed society has a way of describing things to be worse than what they really are. If people don't want others to do something we are quick to amplify the story by making it sinful or comparing it to a worse situation. It's like getting a new sharpener for your pencil because the old one was dull and someone tells you "How could you do that? How would you feel if your bf left you for another woman just because you cook good enough?"
The thing is that many many many teens engage in sexual activities and parents are having a hard time to keep their kids safe. It hard to believe that teens do listen to their elders since we are always hearing and reading stories on this very site. If you looked at the hundreds of questions by teens about their situations you'd be surprised. Parents and other people just dont want to see the younger ones making the same mistakes. Your mother is wise and speaks to you in a very clear manner. Sadly much of your generation will not have this mentality growing up and will not even question as to why it is so bad.
At the end of the day its hard to convince teens with mature words. So some adults just..make it sound worse than it actually is.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 November 2010):
Sex at your age is considered "bad" usually because you're not responsible nor mature enough to handle the consequences. Many adults aren't even mature or responsible enough! Responsibility would include taking the right precautions as far as protection from STD's and pregnancy as well as the means to care for a child. Maturity ties into it as far as how you will feel afterward and as to whether or not you can handle taking care of a child. As a young teen, I'm pretty confident that 99% of them can't handle the consequences that comes with being sexually active.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 November 2010):
 There is a clique in my little sister's class (11-12 year olds) who literally think that drinking makes them cool. It is that kind of immaturity that leaves them all in a constant state of emotional ignorance. What will/do they think about sex? They think that in order to be in love, sex is required. When the opposite is actually true. Children are not ready in so many ways. Sex, even for adults complicates things. Think about it, you are a girl, and (this may sound sexist to some boys) it is a fact that the brains of a girl develops and matures much earlier than boys. Whilst both develop the urge to have sex at around the same age, neither of them know what to do next. The boy is ONLY looking for sex and nothing else. The girl probably does not even know what she is looking for. A relationship? To what end? After all the rampaging hormones subside, what will be left except the gross realization of a terrible mistake.
The laws were set for a reason.
I hope that helps.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 November 2010):
 It's good that you are educated about sex, and the protection. Many people know about condoms and pills but still don't use them in the heat of the moment. A lot of guys don't like condoms. Some desperate guys would rather risk an STD than go without the excitement, because they thought if they rejected the offer they would never get a chance again. It's that pathetic. Some teenagers feel that pregnancy would never happen to them. So that's why parents are worried. When kids act like kids parents treat them like kids.
What your mom said to you was a very good explanation of what sex is about, but she is not going to tell your cousin the same story. In society parents are still pressured to do the "right thing" and just do whatever to discourage kids from having sex because in your age bracket it's illegal. Teachers can get fired for being intimate with a student. Teenagers' bodies are ready for the sex act, but emotionally they may not handle the consequences of a break up, a disagreement on where the relationship is going, being used, etc. Being a teenager is challenging with changing hormones and the stress of school. It's better for them to focus on school, career without all the drama a relationship may bring.
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 November 2010):
Sex isn't wrong nor is it a sin. The reason why someone your age cannot consent to sex is because of the laws intact. Legal age of consent is 16-18 varies per state. At your age you are considered a child, a minor who's parents are held responsible for you. Kids your age aren't mature and responsible enough to understand the emotions, risks of sex. Sex is often associated with love, sorry but teens don't know the meaning of love, and often think you have to sex if you love someone. That's not the case, if you love someone then you will wait till you are BOTH of legal age to consent to sex or perhaps till marriage. It's the irresponsible ones who have unprotected sex that contract STDs and teenage pregnancies that ruin it for everyone else. The law is there to protect you.
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